Support thread-trapped in an unhappy relationship and can’t leave/can’t leave yet

[Idontkowmyname]

I thought I might start a thread to help those of us trapped in unhappy relationships over the stressful Xmas/New Year period. Have a moan, have a rant, debrief and hopefully feel less isolated/alone when it appears everyone else is playing happy families.
Ironically saw something on Facebook which said stop comparing your outtakes to everyone else’s highlight reels which I thought was quite apt given the time of year.

@Minimamame welcome to the thread. Sorry things are so tough.

Thank you. It felt good to just write it all down to be honest. I wish I was a stronger person. I’ve tried talking to him but he just brushes it off saying everything is fine and I’m being dramatic. He hates talking about stuff but he knows I’m unhappy. I’m also on antidepressants.

I'm on ADs too, Mini - no shame in getting a bit of help at all.

You do what it takes... within reason!

Hello, I too am struggling. Like one ogf the other mums I am 45 and have been married for 20 years (together for 24). My husband over the last few months has been getting very disinterested in family life. He plays in a tribute rock band and now is awy most weekends gigging - often in Holland so he will be away for 3 or 4 nights at a time. We have 4 children ages 11,15,17 and 19 - all living at home and although they are older they still miss their dad when he goes away all the time, although he does not think they do. I work part time as a carer and work every other weekend so at least then I am kept busy. I have been saying to him for months that I feel lonely all the time and we never spend any time as a family (or as a couple), he just says we are doing our own thing (which is not true as he is doing his own thing while I am doing everything for the house and the children). He shows me no affection and has no interest in family life. Just before Christmas he said it feels like we are just friends and that he feels claustrophobic when he comes home. It broke my heart to hear that and I am currently having two weeks off work as I can't cope with everything. When I suggested counselling he just shrugged his shoulders (so took that to mean no!) he said it might be best for him to move out - but presently has not made any effort to doing so, so is still at home. I feel I can't be around him unless one of our children is in the room with us, and I can barely look him in the eye let alone speak to him. I feel anxious and uncomfortable in his presence and feel so sad around him. I have tried to get him to come for a drink with me, but he always says no. I want him to move out now as I need space from him to get my head together, but I don't think he can afford £400 a month to rent anywhere, what can I do?

@LittleRubiesRed I feel I can't be around him unless one of our children is in the room with us, and I can barely look him in the eye let alone speak to him. I feel anxious and uncomfortable in his presence and feel so sad around him.. That's how I feel around DH, anxious and sad.

I feel so heartbroken. Everythings such a mess and Im too sick to do anything about it at the moment. I just want to be far away from him with our DC. I don't want to not see my DC every day, they're so little.

Hello LittleRubiesRed. That sounds very painful for you.

I do now wonder whether a lot of men mentioned on this thread are just unhappy but don't have the courage to end it.

It hadn't occurred to me until I posted on this thread and a fellow suffer said they thought my H was waiting for me to end it so he wouldn't be the bad guy.

It does sound like you're doing everything family wise anyway, practically a single parent with him dropping in as and when.

I mention counselling a lot and would recommend it as a way to find out what you truly want. Not him. Not ultimatums. But what do you want your future to be.

I've had a crappy few days. Another solicitor appointment booked but as it's the busiest time of the year next week sounds a long time away.

This morning my H laughs at me - like indulging a small child - and tells me all this (because I've said this is all coming to an end and we will be separated) is ludicrous, ridiculous and when I say you've been a rapist and an abuser he says "no I've not" like it's a playground argument. Or there's a choice.

I tell him it's only his increase in meds that's helping him keep a lid on it all. He tells me "no, I've had three years of intense psychotherapy". I'm then left incredulous as I say have you any idea what an horrific ball of anger and fury you have been. Oh yes he says. But I don't think you realise how much of an angry person you were.
My chin is then on the floor. Shocked beyond belief if he thinks he can twist this around that we were mutually angry

I ask why he's going to pay my credit card bill, spent on kids and food when we had no money 2 and 1/2 years ago and interest but nothing else is paid off. . He is a high earner but we are in hock with everything as he makes all the decisions financially . I tell him was supposed to be be paid when we got cash from X and it wasn't. It was then supposed to be paid when you got money from your pension. Are you going to pay it.

The Fucker says he'll have to think about it. He says if I want to come back to him nicely and discuss it in a calm manner he's prepared to consider it. He then says he doesn't have any money....

I tell him he acts like some kind of God. He says he finds that very insulting.

And then I come back this evening with children. He's a completely different person to the one earlier sitting hunched, arms and legs crossed on the sofa like a troll.

He is now Mr, I've had a bath, put on clean clothes and I'm relaxed, sane, reasonable and jovial.

Conversations about kids glasses. Going to pop out and get cooking ingredients for one of the dc. Do I want a homemade burger and chips.
No.

This is how it goes with me and H. I dislike him immensely and in my mind an firm in my decision to split.

He tells me he loves me etc. But there is no evidence day to day as he is either one of those two characters.

Mr Nasty, Grumpy, negative accusing me of all. Or mr sane, reasonable, jovial who looks like he's just dealing with a silly toddler or school girl who is over reacting.

It's so stressful

I get this Jekyll and Hyde behaviour. It really mucks up your head.

Mine will throw a complete wobbly. Be rude, offensive shout etc and then come back 5 mins later to discuss something very trivial with me in a normal tone of voice. I’m like 😦. It’s absolutely exhausting. But I’m now detaching from it.

He will shout during an argument “Stop shouting at me”! I haven’t raised my voice at all. It’s called Projection @PressToChange

PressToChange my h always finds a way to blame me for everything or accuses me of doing the things he does. But then I look at some of the partners of posters on here and think, he isn't really that bad. I don't think your H is capable of getting it. I've been seeking that validation from H for years, I want him to admit what he's done, I know how much it hurts that he won't admit it. H refuses to see, he thinks the issue is my thinking not his actions. They wouldn't be the people they were if they were capable of seeing their actions clearly. I think it has to be enough to know in yourself that he's an abusive rapist. To know that others here believe you and maybe a friend or therapist IRL if you've talked to anyone about it. He's never going to admit what he's done. He wants you to be the bad guy. Abusive men blame everyone else for their actions. If he was capable of taking responsibility he wouldn't keep abusing you.

My H has been abusive on occasions, angry and scary, but very isolated incidents. And though I've gotten lots of he's abusive and LTB on here under a previous name, I struggle to think of him as even mildly abusive. He's a jerk at times and he doesn't care how sick I get he won't do more, but calling him abusive seems a step to far when their are men like your H who are truly abusive.

Even more confused now. He’s putting in the effort but I still can’t get over the fact he thought it was ok to treat me that way in the first place. Alleges he didn’t realise the impact of his behaviour. Any words of wisdom?
Hope everyone else is doing as ok as they can given the circumstances

@idontknowmyname
Confusion is a terrible thing. H is also making lots of effort. Attempting to tidy after himself...in the kitchen only. The bedroom is like a students. Hasn’t been properly cleaned in two months.
In comparison to many here I also feel like I’m over reacting. But what I can’t figure out is if his behaviour to has just resulted in me not liking the man anymore. I hate the way we are all expected to do what he wants when he wants it. From a cuddle to dinner to movies to concert loud music all day to pinball machines rattling the house (it’s like an arcade). Which I know sounds petty but sometimes you just fucking want to say no.

I now have the post nup. He feels we are better to deal with it now while we are civil but my point is that it doesn’t take the future into account if we stay married. And I can’t get my head round planning for a divorce if we aren’t...although I think it’s coming.
I think he wants to know if I’m just sticking around for money.

We’ve on the most part had 20 happy years. Odd few months which again make me feel awful and that I’m over reacting. But 18 months living together 24/7 hasn’t worked. The thought of 30+ more years terrifies me. He wants me to himself and in a way even says he does. I can see us ending up like his parents...no friends. Seriously they have 1 set of friends and that it.

We have decided to take some time apart from each other. Mon-thurs (2days each) and then saturdays. It will hopefully give me the clear space to stop my confusion and to see if I’m happier with the kids and not him. And stop him picking fights and yelling at me and making me feel guilty.
Is that something you could do?

It’s decision time for me. Limbo is killing us both.

@ToBreatheAgain I so wish I could wave a wand and make you better I really do.
You are so so strong to be able to keep going through this while unwell. I don’t know what you have but I pray you are fighting fit physically and mentally really soon. (I don’t often pray but you need one)

One big group hug for us all

Men can be very complex - I was reading an article about the male menopause and wonder if that is a thing - it would explain a lot.

Well, after our conversation Saturday night, H has kept physically away from me but the emotional side of things.....oh my! You think I have cut off his manhood from the amount of moaning he is doing. He has been moaning that HE needs cuddles, HE needs to touch me, HE is feeling lonely (when I am sat next to him), it is never how I feel. I let him snuggle up to me on the sofa last night, my skin was crawling but I didnt have the energy for yet another argument so I let that one go.

Then this morning, I got up to take DS to school, he stayed asleep. Got home, made my breakfast, cleared the kitchen, then went into my office to start work (work from home). About an hour later I hear him pottering in the kitchen so went to say good morning and make a cuppa. His reply - "I was waiting for you to come back to bed to cuddle me, I need you. Why didnt you come to see me?"
Firstly, he knows i have work, secondly, I didnt say I would pop up or anything, it is like he expects me to check up on him - dont I deserve 10 minutes between school run and work to have some breakfast? Is this part of emotional abuse? Its like he is guilt tripping me into feeling guilty.

Oh, he is currently 'off sick' from work this week as he is too stressed about our situation......

@ToBreatheAgain , i am very similar too you, I do not see my H as abusive, its only since I have had my eyes open I have realise that he is. If I am sick, I still have to get up and do the school run etc, he will not move a muscle, even on his days off. He works a shift pattern and often has days off in the week off and can easily let me have a lie in past 7am.....nope. HE has a lie in though as it is his day off.

@LittleRubiesRed That sounds interesting! Do you have a link?

Thank you so much @OEJ1979. Unfortunately while the severity of my illness can come and go it's not something lm ever going to recover fully from. I've been sick for a very long time and getting steadily worse for the past couple of years. I don't want to put too many details online. Mostly it causes an extraordinary amount of pain, along with muscle weakness which causes issues with everyday physical activity and makes me completely exhausted. It will probably end up degenerative in the long run, but luckily I don't have the more agressive form of my illness or I wouldn't still be here.

I've told H very clearly how much I'm suffering and that I'm hanging by a thread. He just doesn't care anymore or doesn't believe me, don't know which. I'm hanging on, because I can't trust H with the kids. He has very little patience, doesn't cope well with our two SEN DC, knows nothing about what support they need and gets angry and over reacts to normal kid stuff. He also believes our SEN DC would be so much better behaved if I let him smack them.

I'm getting worse because I'm doing too much. The two youngest DC will be in kindy 3 mornings a week soon, that will hopefully help. I'm just crossing everything it's not too late. I'm really scared I'll be stuck at a lower functional level. Sometimes with my condition the decline in functional level is irreversible. I honestly don't know how I'll be able to cope with this much pain and disability long term if I don't recover at least a little. I know I can't rely on H to take on the things I can't do or to get our SEN DC the support they require.

I'm just a mess, barely coping at work without crying, just sad all the time.
Only been a few days since yet again more contact with OM, just talking. Agreed to completely cut all contact, so I can figure out how I feel. It was so painful. I literally feel like I'm aching with wanting to see him.
But I'm focusing on the fact that I've seen what I'm missing, it's not necessarily him that can provide it, I need to see if DH is able to. If not then its completely unfair to keep on as I'm just hurting him, again and again.
Part of me is logical and thinks OK I have this..
Then part of me just wants to tell him now, end it and go to OM.
I know that would be stupid, it's over, has been for months, he's not a patch on DH in so many ways and I need to let DH make the decision if he wants to try.
I can barely stand DH touching me, I think I have to try to let him cuddle etc, but it just makes me flinch. He's really trying around the house but it's still the minimum, better than he was though. Just think he's still waiting for me to tell him what to do and when, plus I'm still doing all the home admin, I still have all the information in my head, I still run the house, it's like he's my employee.
He has no interests, only one friend. Used to have lots, even with children we had a social life. I stopped spending time with mutual friends because he didn't like them, so ended up with less too.
He's got no hobbies apart from working on the house, which then makes me feel guilty, because he's making a home I don't want to be in with him.

I just feel such guilt, but holding all this in is actually driving me mad.

I'm just sleeping loads, keeping busy, trying to focus on mundane jobs, work..

Thinking of going to see the Gp and get antidepressants as I just can't stop crying, every day.

I have to wait till his birthday is out of the way, then I think in a week or so I can try to tell him how I'm feeling. He just goes silent though, I end up talking whilst he sits there looking angry.

I'm going to try to see if he wants to try to make it work, but fundamentally I don't think I've ever really loved him. I don't think, now I've felt that connection with someone, I can live without it for the rest of my life.
If I could find it with DH then that would be the ideal, but I font know if it's possible.

@Stegasaurusmum - why not write to him? Either to really vent your feelings etc (now...) and or maybe again when you're past his birthday?

Sorry you feel so sh*ite. AD's will certainly help you get a better grip - also DO allow yourself to feel like this. It's OK to cry.

Thanks, I did. It helped a bit. Felt like I'd clarified my feelings.
Thing is he's not a bad person, I'm the one in the wrong, he's just who he is and I need more. I think I feel like if we can't sort our issues out then I have to go, or I'll just keep feeling ever more miserable or treating him badly.
Birthday weekend to get through.
Not sure if it's best to talk to him before the counselling, to give him a proper hint to how I'm feeling, or wait till maybe the counselling opens up the communication a bit more.
When I talk to him about how I'm feeling he just goes silent and doesn't give any response. So then I clam up because I just don't know what to say.
Just got to get through this weekend, but the one after is empty, which is worse. If I don't suggest stuff to do, he won't.

I just read an old thread about people who were really really in love with their husbands.. Made me so sad, I thought, I want that for myself. Just can't picture it with him.

Can I join please?

Feeling a bit fragile about all of this as we've been together since we were 14 (19 years) so he is the only person I've ever slept with, lived with and we've grown up together but now I think it's fair to say we've outgrown each other.

No big things in particular but lots of little ones that just make me unhappy and as hard as it may be - life is just too short to be miserable I guess!

We rarely have sex, lots of stress at home for a variety of reasons and we don't really talk anymore unless he's had a few drinks to loosen him up a bit. He's also a selfish arse at times - I guess we're housemates with 2 kids rather than partners nowadays.

Sorry, I'm offloading but I can't explain why, this thread just grabbed my attention and it clicked. Yes, that's me. I'm in this situation and felt the need to come on and share.

I don't know where our how to start the ball rolling on this and I'm terrified of the practical implications but I can't let those dictate my life

This is why the great @Idontkowmyname set up the thread.
I’ve found it so positive and helpful.
Sometimes to rant. Some to ask a question and some just to give encouraging words to those in similar situation.
I’m sure @Idontkowmyname had no idea this would be heading for 500 posts.

There are many of us like yourself. I suspect your H feels exactly the same. A talk between you maybe a starting point. Or get some advice and research for you. The house what equity you wld have. A step at a time seems to be the theme.

My next step was 2 hours going through a post nuptial agreement. To get the confirmation of what I knew. It’s not fair.
Two nights ago we had a huge row because I had not signed it. He said he wishes he never married me and called me a . Can’t even type the word.
The this morning he comes into my room to cuddle. Bursts into tears with DS as I leave. All I want is kisses and cuddles with mummy.
We are telling the DC we are separating for two weeks today.
Is that manipulation or just him having a breakdown?
I look like I’m pure evil. I can’t cope with his emotional needs any more. Calling me what he did I can’t excuse. AIBU that even in the heat of moment that’s not right?
As much as it is breaking me the thought of leaving DC I can’t wait to have a clear head for a few days. I want to see if I miss him.

Sleep and clear thoughts. Something many of us need and want.

I felt the same blue I hadn't admitted it to myself though, not properly. Not till I started having feelings for someone else. And to my shame, it turned physical. I'm still in denial, trying to patch things up, but my actions have brought it to a head.
I look around at my house and think how can we give up all this, but then I am starting to think less about all the things, they've become less important. I've started to think and look seriously into financial stuff and realised its doable to live separately. That started to give me the feeling of relief.
That when I feel most clear, when I know.
Then I start doubting myself, feel guilty, think well we still had enjoyable ish sex, which was OK, sure it's not that bad..
We are doing counselling soon, I don't think it'll make a difference but I think it might help him to talk, or to come to terms with it, or to at least understand and make things amicable.
I know he's unhappy and actually I think if he admitted it, would have said he was for a long time. Who knows. He never talks, so I don't know
I know I can't carry on like this. I think it's a process though, of coming to terms with it all. Give yourself time. I've been writing down events daily, how I'm feeling, it helps. Saw a counsellor for 5 sessions, helped me to just be able to talk. We've been together for 18 years, it's the shared history, the children, it's all so hard to think about. I care about him but have no sexual feelings any more, I don't fancy him, don't want yo cuddle, I interact because I feel I should. Sometime there's a glimmer of who he was, we laugh etc, but it's not bringing back the feelings.
I kind of think I've started to look at all the history etc as what might keep us connected when not together, might keep us from being at each others throats.
I saw my parents interacting the other day and just thought oh my god, I cannot end up like that in 20 years. No affection, no care from my dad, no joy.

@OEJ1979 thank you so much for your kind words. Are you able to seek legal advice regarding the post nup? Apologies if this is something I’ve missed earlier in the thread.
I’ve had to put the tv on mute as he’s decided to come in and watch you tube on his phone without headphones. There’s no other working tv in the house at the moment. He’s meant to be trying at the moment but I just find it selfish to be honest. Am I being too harsh?
Ended up caving in to dtd as he was in a strop as it had been too long. No inclination to go there again and fortunately apart from being mardy he won’t force the issue.

@Stegasaurasmum the diary was a great idea. I’d kept one but more of the bad things. Then mental abuse. Now do more about me. While also keeping record of the comments.

It’s funny how you look at parents. As much as mine have little affection I can see the love with them. They have separate lives and a life together which the love.
My in laws. They have each other. That’s it.

H was scared I would end up like my mum...she can be hard work!
I’m petrified we will end up like his. And that is what he wants. Me to have no one but him.
We haven’t survived 18 months with him at home. How does he expect another 30+ years. It absolutely terrifies me.

@Idontkowmyname. Yes I have had legal advice. 2 hours yesterday with solicitor...dreading the bill!

There is no form E so no full disclosure. Many questions revolve around that and the business as everything hinges on the surviving as he doesn’t work.
It’s pretty horrid trying to negotiate a settlement when you should trying to save the marriage.
He won’t move forward without this.
I get my head round completing a settlement when we’ve not even started properly working on things.

What I realised typing the post at the same time as you is that I really am answering my own questions.
I won’t ever forget the amazing 20 years we’ve had. But 18 months has destroyed me and made me see him in a different light. And maybe I love him but am no longer in love.
I’ve heard that phrase a lot...I wonder if I’m beginning to understand it now.

@OEJ1979 he's definitely not being fair to you and not just with the post nup. Hes being very manipulative of you and the DC. Being angry is not an excuse for calling you horrible names. And if he really cared about your needs and not just his own he'd be apologising sincerely and giving you space to recover from the hurt. He wants to be able to unload his anger on you then no matter how you feel he expects you to be emotionally supportive of him whenever he wants it. That's not fair, it's all about his needs, which is what the post nup is about.

@Tobreatheagain it has been the most heartbreaking day. We had to tell the children we were having two weeks apart. DS ran off crying don’t do it. Please don’t do it.
And now keeps saying this is the worst day of my life.
DD has been silent. Although really good trying to make her brother laugh.
I’m lost. Totally torn apart. Because I am showing no emotion he thinks I’m being evil. I hide behind my defence wall. The guilt is horrific.
But the arguments today all in front of the kids have been worse. I’ve felt threatened. He picked up plates and bowls. Threw melon across the kitchen. Not at me. all in a rage.
He even told me that I’m the controlling one.
Am I?
Seriously questioning my judgement and I don’t know why.
Have I really got this all wrong?
Or is this what he wants me to believe?
I’ve made mistakes I don’t dispute that but this bloody post nup which he says is to bring stability will be the final nail as he can’t see why on Earth I won’t sign it.
I need to scream bloody loudly. Another skydive is due!