Support thread-trapped in an unhappy relationship and can’t leave/can’t leave yet

[Idontkowmyname]

I thought I might start a thread to help those of us trapped in unhappy relationships over the stressful Xmas/New Year period. Have a moan, have a rant, debrief and hopefully feel less isolated/alone when it appears everyone else is playing happy families.
Ironically saw something on Facebook which said stop comparing your outtakes to everyone else’s highlight reels which I thought was quite apt given the time of year.

Finding things really hard, he's gone away for a weekend that we were both meant to go on with friends, I asked him to still go to have some space, which has been nice. I have missed him or his presence around the house, had a bad day Fri as he had woken me up at 3am for a chat again so I was tired then a bad day at work followed by coming back to an empty house. Just needed one of those big hugs where you can snuggle in and I think if he had been at home Fri eve I would have caved.
I just know I can't take him back, he has been 'caught' messaging other women at least 3 times now as well as being vile about my weight and I need to respect myself and do this.
But I do love him and am feeling so sad that we had this lovely life mapped out and he has spoiled it yet expects me to 'give him one more chance' 😔
Sorry for the rant ladies.

yommyMommy I’m sorry to hear your story. although I have been finding it difficult myself to gain momentum and end my relationship, I am absolutely done with my H. So I know it’s not easy.

Please remember that he doesn’t get to say.
His response that he wants you to hop back into bed, have sex and carry on is astonishing.
It says a lot about his feelings for you. You are there to please him. Where has he considered what you want?
He’s had 19 whole years to prove himself and chose not to.

This is something I should have asked myself years ago, do you feel like an equal or are you just a warm body for him to use, with the added benefit of childcare thrown in?

I think most of us posting on here and posing the question already know what we need to do.
Then it’s a question of finding the strength, getting legal advice, financial advice. Getting support.

I can honestly say that I’ve shared more about my feelings/situation and had more support from the lovely individuals on this thread than I’ve ever had in RL. It’s become a life line of sanity and warmth for me. Thank you all.

@BellaBicycle
He doesn't get angry, but I can tell it pisses him off when I don't want to.

I just don't know how to get him to accept that I want to leave. He begs me to give us a chance. Says he doesn't know what hell do without me and he can't stick around to watch me move on with other people. He is literally begging me, cry etc 🥺🥺

@Presstochabge i definitely do not feel like an equal. Never have really. He is lazy and has no zezt for life. I prefer doing things without him, everything in fact.

@Zazu44 your situation sounds aweful 😔😔

So not heard from DP (Ex DP?? Who knows??) for three days...... he's good company alot of the time but it all goes wrong if itry to tell him that he's upset me in some way. He won't listen, he will not ever admit he is wrong, he definitely won't apologise. But otherwise things are good. I told him he'd upset me last week, now he's gone silent treatment....I find myself missing him and also feeling I'm at a crossroads, walk away? Contact him? (I haven't contacted him either so he may feel I'm giving him the silent treatment?!?)

@YommyMommy that sounds so hard. He has to accept that you want to leave. He can not make you stay

I'm here now.... Married 23 years this year, together nearly 18...2 DCs, 4 and 9...
Various issues g or years, him not pulling his weight, sex never amazing, never really particularly attracted to him sexually, but physically I can see he's a lovely looking man. He's a good dad, although distant and quite uninvolved, works hard, but long hours, is kind and generous but can be thoughtless and selfish. Doesn't talk about emotions, we never really have. On paoer it's a fine marriage, wonderful home, both have good jobs. But, I have no respect left, and I fell in love with someone else 6 years ago. I ignored it for years, then had a short affair.

I got slaughtered on my own thread for not leaving right now, and I know I could have done better, but I'm gradually getting to the point where I've come to terms with it having to be me that starts it all. He's very passive and would have continued as we are, probably for years.

DH has a birthday next Sunday which we will do our best to get through as a family , then we have counseling booked for the end of the month. I'm going to gently suggest that the counselling isn't going to fix us, but should allow us to talk and for me to be able to be honest with him. Then once we've started and hopefully he's started to listen, I can tell him I want to separate.
He's known there are issues, he's unhappy, but just continuing along as he does, head in the sand, he know I'm very unhappy, I've brought it up several times, with little to no response. He's in denial and I have been too. Because I'm scared, and because of the guilt, I felt like I should just keep trying, fact is I don't love him, not sure I ever really did.
He deserves to be happy and as o do I, so do the children.
I feel more clarity now than I have for months, possibly years. But he's nowhere near the point I'm at, which I feel terrible for.
So, next few weeks are going to be massive.

@Stegasaurusmum it’s never as easy as it seems.

I’m so god dam scared I’ve fucked my whole life up and an about to do the same to my children. My husband. Both families.

His three problems with me were for my benefit. I know they weren’t really.

My actions from this fear has created no end of more issues.
He doesn’t see that the whole house revolves around him and his wants and needs. It drives me crazy.

He is finally wanting to help in the kitchen and round the house. Keeps asking. Is he turning over a new leaf?
He keeps asking me to go out with him. Coffee. Lunch. Breakfast.
Whenever we spend time we just end up arguing about the fact I won’t sign his post nup and he can’t understand why. From it though he wants to split everything now. So if I want to go away for a night with friends it comes from my savings not his!
That doesn’t work on things does it?
If we want to save a marriage everything should be treated as a marriage still which is together.

But should I try and give him this chance of taking me out?
I’m scared to as every time I spend time together I get confused again.
He is wanting to do family things but I’m scared this will confuse the kids more.
Do we try a family holiday? See if we can all be good together?
I always though we were.

My family despise him. I so scared if we manage to stay together I will loose them. I Don’t want to. My relationship with them is better than it has been ever.

He can’t bare that I won’t sleep in the same bed or let him hug and kiss me.
But when I feel low like I am right now I just want him to wrap his arms round me and tell me it will all be ok. Can we move on and be better than ever?

I know to do that I will have to forget a lot of stuff. I will probably end up having to sign some for of document.

But then I read back and it’s all about what I have to do.
The damage I am going to cause.
It’s my fault because I’m not letting him in to show me he has changed.

I’m so scared.
So confused.

Is there too much damage done?

Do I say like he did once before we need to forget everything. Tell solicitors to pause.
Take one step at a time.
Just try to be more civil show little bits of affection.

Am I just going to end up back in a relationship that is mentally abusive even though I can’t admit it or believe it?
If we stay will I end up totally isolated from family and friends that hate him.
Will I end up with two children that hate me for asking their dad to leave.
Will I have to two kids that think being controlling is normal?

If I talk with family or my best friends they say file for divorce. He’s a fucker that will never change.
But I keep giving him chanceS to show he can change.

I just want the happy family beck that we had. I almost wish I was blissfully unaware still.

Why does this happen?
I just need to find strength from somewhere to make a decision.

Let’s try but on my terms.
Let’s try but in your terms.
Divorce.

Never felt so scared in my life.

Sorry very long post. One of those down days.

@OEJ1979

So much uncertainty and that’s a normal feeling to have when you don’t know what lies ahead. Has he ever, is he now, or have you seen any evidence that he has the ability to see his faults and the ways in which he has mistreated you? Can he take full responsibility for these without excuses, understand how they’ve made you feel, genuinely try to change, without shaming or blaming you?
If the answer is no, then I wouldn’t give him a another chance.

He’s confusing you with his mixed behaviour, one way to manage this is keep a healthy distance, friendly, but apart, don’t do things with him.

Stay strong.

@ToBreatheAgain well last night in bed, he jokingly said something and then he said your not going to divorce me are you.....to which i replied Yes. Well that lead to a conversation about how unhappy I am and that the amount of sex is really getting me down (he thinks we should have it at least twice a day!) and the way he thinks I just want it and I don't. He asked me if I fancy him and I said no, not right now. I did say that I am still really upset over losing my dad and I do not feel right still and its going to take time (ie giving me some time) to his reply was - well why didnt YOU tell me earlier, why do I always have to guess what is going on with YOU (slightly my fault this as I do buckle things up), what am I going to do if YOU do not want sex with me, why dont YOU fancy me etc he made is all about him. I just quietly cried myself to sleep.

@PressToChange if we ever go to counselling it would all be about his childhood...dad left at 3, got past from pillar to post while his mum tried to work 3 jobs, being brought up in an unhappy household when his mum remarried etc its the same sob story every single time and I am sick of it. What about me? according to him I had a perfect childhood even though I was looking after my younger siblings while my mum was in a mental hospital and my dad worked full time. Oh well, he only cares about him.

After last night, he has sent me some horrible texts today while hes at work. Constantly phoning me and has just spent £550 on something we very clearly do not need. Argh.
In one way I am happy last night happened, planted a seed that all is not well and hopefully by the time I am ready to call quits on the relationship it will not be such a shock.
I was feeling happier today until I realise that he has spent 1/3 of the holiday saving money. We have no where booked yet thankfully but still, its money for a holiday. If we did split then that money would be split between us anyway but that is not the point!

OEJ1979

You sound like me, I have gone from one decision to another constantly.
However, when I started to think and say out loud that I had realised I don't live him, well, not enough and not in the way he deserves, for whatever reason, then I just felt relief.
I've made a point of writing a diary every day, how I'm feeling, what I'm thinking.
It's helped, because I can look back at it and see how many times I've written that I've felt relieved just thinking that I could live apart from him.
I've had the thoughts about encouraging him to change by laying on the line etc, but time and time again he's buried his head and not done anything.
I think it's a process, denial, anger, acceptance etc... Doubting it is part of that.
It does sound like you've made the right decision. I'm so sad that I can't live my husband, I just can't though. I could keep going, I could carry on as I am, sad about OM, who would move on, and eventually forgetting about him, then settling down to sporadic sex, date nights that were OK, holidays that were mostly OK... But when I think about retiring, getting old, just us two... Fills me with fear.
I'm only 42, I'm not dead yet. I could have a wonderful life alone, with my friends, family, children, him there too, parenting with me, or I might even have met or might meet another big love and be so happy.
I can't keep on with this half life though, not for another 20 years.

@BellaBycle thank you

He does say he accepts full responsibility for those things. But I’m not convinced. We never addressed them in counselling even before I asked him to leave and now it is almost irrelevant. He just blames me for creating ‘noise’ by asking him to leave, making things worse with family, talking to dd about it, talking to friends. I also stopped him buying a flat. I asked a number of times not to as he was wiping out 80%of our savings when we were facing divorce so I stopped it.
He now, obviously, doesn’t trust me and thinks I’m up to no good and am trying to steal from him.

I’m not there are laws.

I try to keep my distance which causes more issues as he says he can’t show that he’s changed if we don’t do anything together.
He also wants to do family things which he always asks in front of kids so I look bad guy if I say no.

My brain is totally exhausted.

I'm so sad. I just can't seem to shake it.
DH has been the perfect husband all weekend, cooking, doing DIY, interacting with the kids, offering to sort out little jobs.
So some of the talk sank in.
Then, I just feel guilty because it doesn't give me a reason to end things.
Except that I'm unhappy.

A term I’m sure I coined from another poster on here is that I feel the stuffing has been knocked out of me. Been a week since the separation chat and things are ok. Still not sure if they are salvageable. How is everyone else doing now the dc are back at school?

Well I’ve had a sh*te day. D in awful mood. He always is on a Sunday. Appalling behaviour and now that I call him out on it, he’s transferred his attention to DC.

We had 5 minutes alone mid morning and I felt suddenly full of resolve. I told him he will lose his family if his behaviour continues. We constantly come back to this subject and it’s always ‘I’m stressed about work ‘. We’ve had this for 20+ years.

He went off and had a think and has turned a new leaf. Temporarily, I imagine.

I’m just so DONE with all of this. My resolve still feels very steely and I feel strangely calm.

SeekingFreedom I saw your other thread and inc comments here, although I'm not a professional, I think it sounds like he is raping and assaulting you. He demands sex twice a day and he gets it or if he doesn't he punishes you by sulking. Do you want sex twice a day. If I understand properly you don't want to have sex with him but feel forced.
That is abuse.
Regarding counselling, for me it's almost comical. My parents are divorced and it was awful. All about themselves and money. Nothing like arguments about a child and money to make them feel valued eh?
Anyway. I am quite aware about how much this affects me. It's almost text book. Where as he told me I came from a NORMAL (damaged!!!) family. Wowzers!!!
My childhood poop is actually v straightforward (not nice but not rocket science) but scratch the surface on his non-divorced family then omg!! Non-divorced meant they were higher status than people who divorced. Laughable.
His Mother having nervous breakdown after deaths in family, father leaving the family to work away during beginning of his teens and throughout them. Her being practically comatose on drugs (prescription so that's ok) I could list more but I won't, it's bizarre and endless!! But they weren't a broken family...

Stegasaurusmum this is a support threat thankfully created by IDontKnowMyName. I'm sure everyone on here knows the complex thought processes behind decisions to leave or not to or not to right now. Be kind to yourself. It's not fun. It's upsetting. It's sometime guilt ridden, annoying etc. The whole gamut of emotions.

You are allowed to be happy. Just for you. It shouldn't be all one way. Just one person trying to please he other - unless that's what truly makes you happy.
I don't have this but in the future what I want is a relationship that is a partnership

BlueWater stay strong. It would be a shame to go one step forward and two steps back.

ORJ1979 in my mind mine and your H sound similar but a few year apart!! I'm so glad we are past the "mauling" stage where he wants to touch all the time.. He'd also call me "wench" which makes me want to vomit.
Whatever you want should be the basis of how you move forward.
Very personally it's taken me 10 years to get to this resolute position. I wish it hadn't. I knew this feeling ten years ago...
I'm Not daft, well educated and I still find rationalising what I need to do difficult!! It's always easier to advise friends than ourselves

I'd also like to know what is it a out there men that they can suddenly see what needs to be done to make people happy. Suddenly it's change change change.

Really? Or was it they really couldn't be arsed to do x, y,or z in the first place even thought hey could see if

So much valuable support and advice on here. Thread now hidden and I just switch it back twice a day for my update!. IF DP were to use my phone I don't think he would go lookingimt he right place. Good idea about using the browser though which I may do if I get more worried!

@OEJ1979 so much of what you have said sounds similar to things I have experienced and feeling I have. The long and the short of it seems to be that whatever a partner does, if things are shaky and they are focused on a pre-nup, surely all kind actions are pretend and calculated?

DP here, as a result of counselling, is trying to do much more (ie approaching his share) of the housework without it being in some sort of stomping tantrum and is attempting to do household administrative and financial tasks but the latter remain a constant piece of chaos and I still have to remind him of the things he is supposedly taking responsibility for. Cue payments for something having been paid twice for the last 3 months FFS.

A weekend of very tight shoulders and neck for me as despite his trying he is so bad tempered he seems to fuel arguments with the DC which is very hard to listen to. I'm the strict one here but somehow also the peacekeeper as we all walk on his eggshells. This the backlog of problems with his MH which peaked about 2 years ago and are better but not right now.

I have cancelled our appointment today with the therapist. Worrying because I haven't actually told him yet! I thought it would spoil the whole weekend if I did because of what it means I guess. But it's adding to my financial burdens atm at such a high cost and since he is more pro therapy per se I think she favours him despite the fact that she can see he is a useless partner... plus she seems to take 'my pattern of choice of partners' as significant - as I have emphasised, I have had two bad ones of note, this being the second. The first out of my naivety having generally dated good blokes and then a short post uni phase of playing with fire deliberately! The second, because of settling for less too quickly I think because my biological clock was ticking. Financial adviser booked but still don't know how to find the strength to actually say the words to DP and when. Was thinking of waiting until after DS1's exams but honestly don't know how he'd feel as it's not his dad despite him being in that role for 12 years and I partly feels he'd be somewhat relieved. It's just a risk...

Apologies for all the typos - I haven't got the right glasses on! Meant to say re the therapy I see little point grinding over past decisions and mistakes - it's the future that matters!

@marly11 he is so difficult to read. You could be right.

Sadly since he gave up work he lost a friends and had no focus bar me.
So I feel awful but at the end of the day it’s no excuse for what he did and how he made me feel.
It’s the fact I always had so much affection given that makes me feel even worse.
But it’s the niggley things that have added and made me realise he thinks I’m his possession.
The same with the kids.

@PressToChange
it is the rationalisation. When I’m alone and think clearly I know what is the right thing. But having him in my head makes everything so clouded.

Even last night he managed to make me feel like I’m now a terrible mother. He laid a full breakfast table with everything in the cupboards out for the kids to choose. We are to sit down and have a family breakfast every day. I agreed to try it and then the fucker didn’t get up and told kids it was because I said I didn’t want him to.

He also added that the kids evening routine is useless. They need army style time table to ensure they get everything done and properly.

I asked dd if she thought our relationship had changed since he gave up work. Yes cause he interferes with everything was the answer.
He sure does. I can’t possibly bring up the children properly. I’ve not been doing it for 12 years while he’s been at work.

Post nup will arrive today.
We have counselling so will find out if not signing is a deal breaker!

But even that. Is it a form of control again? I’ve said I won’t do it but he’s gone ahead and had it drawn up anyways.

Do I have it in me to say I want a divorce in counselling??

How did you go OEJ1979? I can't see how the post nup could be anything but a form of control. I can't see a person who genuinely wants to try and fix his marriage insisting on a post nup.

@ToBreatheAgain it’s now due today!
I’ve said I will look at it with solicitor.

Counselling was horrific though.
I was really open and honest.

I said I felt it wasn’t helping anymore. It’s only ever me that has to work on things and none of them are to resolve the issues we first had.
But he has the counsellor on his side I feel. Both saying I need to negotiate and do this.
Better to do now than when we hate each other.

Told him that if I think alone and logically separating comes out as the best option. He didn’t get that.
He really does believe we can save this.

But later on that eve he just went into one. Loads of things. Ended yelling at me. Just really horrid.
Then I get text of a pic of the two of us from his Instagram...worlds best wife...I thought I was!

Going to try and figure a way to have some time apart in the week and see if it helps. Will absence make the heart grow fonder?
I have to cancel seeing my family at the weekend so we can tell the kids then...
Total nightmare and I’m still adamant if he hadn’t quit his job we wouldn’t be here.

Not sure if you’ve had counselling but am pretty sure you can bring up the Divorce word during the sessions.

Trying to get you to sign a post nup is outrageous!
Forgive me - I may have missed this - but have you been to see a solicitor about it? I can’t believe ANYONE would recommend you sign ANYTHING!

@OEJ1979 I can see no upside at all in your signing a postnup. What is that supposed to achieve? The only time I can envisage it being helpful is if you both have agreed to divorce, or to separate but not make it formal (for whatever reason), and you need to separate your assets to create two households. And/or you need to show the courts that you are separated but temporarily under the same roof for practical reasons (so that it adds weight to a later petition for the no fault divorce based on the two years separation in the UK).

Otherwise it's just a nonsense. And will I believe have no force in law/be contestable in any event unless you obtain independent legal advice.

@ByeByeMissAmericanPie. Yes I’ve seen a solicitor. Putting in a nutshell he was trying to buy a property in his name with 90% of our cash savings when marriage was dying. I asked him not to a lot he wouldn’t so I blocked it.
I needed to protect money that may be needed.

Due to that he thinks all I want is his money. We had none when we met!

So he wants this to protect him and know that I’m not going to try and get every possible penny I can.
I’m not like that.

So my solicitor thinks it potentially could be a good thing however there isn’t full disclosure and no thought in potential earnings. Little things.

Sadly if I sign with having had legal advice it could be held up in a court. As much as they aren’t legal here they are taken into account.

He doesn’t feel we can work on anything else until he knows where he stands should it end up as a divorce and feels we are better to negotiate now while we can still talk than trying when he hates me!

Basically another form of control and he won’t move on without it.
He can’t understand why I won’t sign.
I will not sign anything unless my solicitor says to.

I've talked with my counsellor today, basically said I think I don't love him anymore and it wouldn't be fair to make him jump through hoops, make life easier by doing more to support the family etc, because without the love and respect, we will keep coming back to this.
Booked relate for end of the month, going to start gently introducing what I'm feeling, I've already said no sex currently, I'm hoping by Feb we can be in separate bedrooms, to start with. No idea how he will react, how he will take it.
Not sure I will be strong enough to hold up if he keeps up his perfect father and husband thing he's doing now. Or begs, or guilt me into staying.
Counselling has helped me realise its a process, I've made the decision so now I'm feeling the guilt and grief for my marriage. He has to go through that now too. Horrible times ahead, but I think, I hope it's for the best.

I know I’m late to this but can I join too please? I’ve been married for 8 years but I am in love with someone else. He has feelings for me too but we both know it could never go anywhere. There would be too many people hurt by it. My husband isn’t a bad man but he’s selfish and isn’t interested in our children’s lives really. He is always cross with them and it breaks my heart. They often tell him they don’t like him. He doesn’t help me with anything so I work (part time), look after the children and do everything at home too. It’s exhausting and I resent him for it. He is obsessed with money. He comes home in the evening and sits down with the laptop on his lap until bedtime. He does work hard but I don’t care about the money. I’d much rather have his time, help, love etc. We haven’t had sex for 4 months. He knows I’m not interested so doesn’t ask. I can’t leave because I have nowhere to go. I’m very good at burying my head in the sand.