Well today has got quite interesting and not in a good way. I've had dc1, 16 on a day trip to do with school so four hours round trip.
On the way back she talked about funding for Uni, maintainence loans etc. So I told her that you know that by the time you're at Uni you know that I will be separated from Daddy so we are looking at low wage and benefits. I've spoken to her before so that wasn't a surprise.
This sparked quite a massive revelation as she said can you just get on and do it. We're all been waiting for something to happen for a year and nothing has. It's just confusing.
I said how/why because I've not really told anyone what's happening.she said yes but Daddy has. He's always going on about you're going to divorce him. He's saying he's turning a new leaf so you don't split up the family. He says it all our fault for being ungrateful and disrespectful.
I cannot believe it but This is what he does! He behaves so differently and badly around them when I'm not around. Then I find out as an after thought after the event. If I find out at all.
I tried to explain it's not black and white. Legal stuff has to be decided. . Living arrangements. Money. I said he'll ask you to live with him. She got quite upset and said that she couldn't say it to him but she could say it to a court that she didn't want to live with him.
We then talked about living arrangements and she thinks that if they don't agree to live with him, he'll go off somewhere and live without them and not see them. I asked whether that was adult behaviour. It's really interesting to hear that she thinks he'd do that because I've always thought he'd fight me. I still do but her statement has made me wonder.
What the actual f()£j though!!!! I'm so bloody angry.
I told her that yes you are all very trying (x4 dc & three of them are early teens will be!) but that's your job. That's what you have to do and behave at the ages you are. It's blooming draining and can make me sad or disappointed but the only person that has spoilt the marriage is your father.
I said that normally in these situations the adults have adult conversations and make a plan. Then they tell the children in a way that reassures them.
She said that he keeps going on about it (which I've mentioned before) but I don't think I'd understood the extent of it or how much he had blamed the children to their faces!!!
I had a long chat about control. Told her gently about abusive relationships and how a good relationship is a partnership. Not being told what to do. Told her how he had said that we don't need a joint bank account but had since sept stopped me accessing his, which was the agreed norm. Which is financial control. I used examples of how he'd gone ahead and bought major things without discussion. How recently he'd sold a large asset without telling me and the money had gone into his account. Probably 3 or 4 thousand. I can't cram a 2 hour conversation in here but you can get the gist!!
Please be assured that she is a very intelligent 16 year old and this was said in a very basic, kind and non inflammatory way. I do not want to scar my children or bad mouth their father.
So if I wasn't completely resolute before I am now.
Anyway, today while out I texted about evening meal, would we be back at 6pm etc. Said yes to plans but make sure you feed the children at the right time, I'll eat later. Got home at 6. He's out at the supermarket buying food for dinner. Youngest is 7 and evening meal for dc is usually 5:30. Dinner isn't likely now until 7-7:40 at best.
(I'm so fu£king sick of sending text reminders to feed the children when I'm out or away. He's only had children for over 16 years, you'd like to think he'd got it by now...
Within minutes of me getting home youngest had lost his temper. He's awful without food just like no 2 dc. H stomps off as part way through tantrum I highlight why youngest is vile - he's hangry
Fast forward to bed for youngest. We have sloping roof in bathroom. H bumps his head. I have done this before on my eye socket and yes it bloody hurts. He went down like a tonne of bricks shaking, gagging, grunting. All whilst youngest is getting off the toilet. I completely ignore and brush voungest's teeth telling him Daddy is fine. During teeth brushing H gets up and goes into his bedroom slamming the door.
As I'm reading the bedtime story H comes in, clearly waiting for me to leave. I say - say good night to daddy so I can finish the story. He glares at me. While this is going on I'm looking at his face for red marks or bruising after his dramatic performance in the bathroom. Nothing. He says goodnight and goes down.
What an utter prick.
This is just an example of my life on one day.
I knew I needed to do the divorce, I was ready to do this. Squared my shoulders and was ready but doing it the steady steady, slowly way, get advice etc. but now I think I am psyched and ready for war. I hate hate hate him.
So instead of prevaricating I have ordered my safe. It should be delivered on Wednesday. To work. On Monday I WILL rather than I might contact Women's Aid. I will get their advice and then I'll contact a solicitor. I will file divorce papers because this cannot go on a moment longer.
Sorry if this is a bit verbal vomit on a page but I was just getting it down quickly. So much was said in the car I couldn't get it all.
Is there anyone at all that thinks he is displaying normal behaviour.