Support thread-trapped in an unhappy relationship and can’t leave/can’t leave yet

[Idontkowmyname]

I thought I might start a thread to help those of us trapped in unhappy relationships over the stressful Xmas/New Year period. Have a moan, have a rant, debrief and hopefully feel less isolated/alone when it appears everyone else is playing happy families.
Ironically saw something on Facebook which said stop comparing your outtakes to everyone else’s highlight reels which I thought was quite apt given the time of year.

@PressToChange I so wish I had.
A tuff and brutal day. Mum sister and best friend all have been brutal. Make your decision.

Again this evening his trying to be nice with kisses. Cuddles. Just everything in front of the children. So they see it’s me saying no. Even made a comment that he can’t recall the last time I kissed him.
I had to be brutal to him to stop.

It’s almost like I want me body to myself for a while. Not belonging to someone. Not having to let him touch me at his command.

Counsellor put something to me in a nice way rather than two options. I have two risks.
The unknown risk where I go alone. I loose the financial back up but I can build on my life and my values.

The known risk. Stay. Have two children bought up his way showing me and treating me in the same manner he does. So having three of them and ending up hating my life totally.

Which risk?

Where did the final inner drive come from?
I need it!

Oej1979 additionally, if you go for the known risk, he'll get to manipulate the dcs daily. He's already shown his true colours where that is concerned. They'll leave home eventually to, so you could end up really isolated (if they buy into his version) and possibly alone. Really sorry if that sounds horrible but it is a scenario that could happen.
The fact that you're in such a quandary suggests that the pull to go is strong otherwise you wouldn't be having such turmoil.
You've had what sounds like a really stressful day, you don't have to decide right this minute. Can you go to a gym to do sauna or swim or jacuzzi to sit and think away from it all.
And even if you do decide, you don't have to take action on it immediately. You can do the baby steps. Conquer one thing at a time one week at a time.
For example someone gave me the contacts for a financial advisor. Apparently they do lots of settlement work. I know a solicitor can advise on the fairness of a split 60/40 etc but you could see an advisor with rough figures to see what they say. See someone like that one week. Do another big thing the next.
I'm not saying I'm doing much better myself tbh, I am firm that it is over. I will be getting more advice as I think information is power.
Particularly with this type of man who are used to having every word believed as though it's the truth I need to know facts not his gaslighting blagging.
Not only to they not know our strength they underestimate our brain function too!!

@OEJ1979 I understand exactly where you are coming from in terms of that final inner drive, and @PressToChange is spot on. It's all about small steps. The reality of leaving, finally calling it a day, is simply too enormous to take in at times. So many what ifs, so much potential hurt and so many imagined pitfalls, especially when it comes to the kids. But if you listen to that inner voice and you find that you simply can't ignore it any longer, then you can just quietly and finally agree with it inwardly, and start to draw on your reserves for the courage you need to take the next step.
Then it can be done in stages. Start by making it clear when you are alone with him that you do not want to be pawed-at or kissed or fussed-over against your will any longer. That you need mental and physical space because you are deeply unhappy. That you have boundaries right now that need to be respected.
Get a break from him physically.
If he refuses then it's time to ask a relative or friend to step in as it will be assault if he continues.
Then set a time and place to meet without the kids around and set out your stall. I chose a quiet pub late afternoon last June. And set the wheels in motion. Tell him that you need time apart. However that can work for you in these circumstances. You will know how best that can be achieved.
The rest will flow in stages from there...and it will be rocky, but not insurmountable. I so feel for you.

Thank you @PressToChange and @Sheddingskins
Both calming wise words.
Baby steps.
I like the financial advisor idea. Also had going to an estate agent as one also.
He has no understanding of anyone’s personal space. Even watching tv with dd he comes in and starts talking and passing comment.

It’s just relentless.
Listen to my inner thoughts as you say. They are there. And at some point will snap.
I can’t imagine ever wanting to share a bed with him again. Rather enjoying one to myself without someone/thing poking me!!!

A frazzled brain this evening for sure. Good sleep a long run and I’ll be fresher and clearer tomorrow.

Thank you x

It’s like I know I’m going to break him and feel incapable of doing it even though he has done it to me and that’s why we are here?

Me too. Its really hard to break patterns of behaviour. We're so used to putting everyone else's needs before us, it doesnt feel natural to be to considering what's best for us.

And what @SoTiredTonight said, all the gaslighting and blame shifting it messes with your mind. Then there's the times things are OK, and you keep thinking did I imagine it, did I interpret him wrong, did I make it out to be worse than it was. Its so hard to hang on to that certainty when you've spent so long doubting your own memories because they gaslight and blame you. If it was easy to leave no one would be stuck in relationships like this.

I keep thinking if he'd just do something bad enough, or have an affair, or just walk out. Everything feels not quite bad enough to justify breaking up my kids family. The funny thing is though if someone else was telling me they were miserable in their relationship I'd be the first to say it's ok to say enough, to leave. It's like I don't feel I deserve the same consideration, someone else's misery is worth breaking up over, but mines not.

Spoke to my local women’s aid today. The person was really nice and confirmed what I already knew, that I am in an abusive relationship. Dh is wanting to make things work and is trying really hard to fix things but I’m unsure if we have past the point of no return.

past the point of no return

A thought I often have.
Has the brain just disengaged from him now.

He is still trying to kiss and hug. While trying to dish up dinner is the classic test. Will I stop to give him a cuddle.
I don’t want to be touched by him.

Once eyes are opened it’s impossible to shut them again I fear.

Although I shouldn’t fear it.

@ToBreatheAgain your last paragraph is exactly how I feel. Before Chtistmas I was certain I was ready to leave, now I'm talking myself out of it. Things are mostly ok right now, he does the odd thing which makes me remember why I want to go, but on their own they seem so petty.
I got a late gift yesterday, which he immediately snatched from me to look at and tell me about. It seems so silly to be upset about, but it is the constant taking over of everything that wears me down.
And I'm noticing more and more things. The negativity is a big one, he never says anything positive about things I achieve. I'm working a big project right now, I'm so proud of it, but every comment from him is just so full of negativity. Why can't he just say I've done well, instead I get weird comments or how he would have done it.
I lost 2 stone last year, not a word.

I'm reading all of the posts here, and feel like I don't have it so bad really. Is just being unhappy enough reason to leave? I know I'm in the peri menopause, that's been a big factor in my mood change. I feel like I've just woken up to how much of a shell I've become, and how much better I would be on my own.

for everyone having a tough time.

@DreadFull
I'm reading all of the posts here, and feel like I don't have it so bad really. Is just being unhappy enough reason to leave?

I read the posts on here and I think the same, that DH isn't so bad compared to so many of the men on here. But I think it's the wrong comparison, yes things could be so much worse, but they also could be so much better.

I know I'm going to have to talk to DH about seperating at some stage this year. Having him home for 2 weeks over Christmas, even though he's mostly been OK I can't be around him anymore. I don't see any way back to a place where I can actually be comfortable having a real marriage with him, its too broken.

I think being unhappy is a reason to leave, if it's been a while or you've realised you were fundamentally unsuited and unhappy together. I suppose with peri menopause the thing would be were you happy before? Is it a result of the peri menopause directly or has it just enabled you to see clearly what was already there?

OEJ1979 and all you lovely ladies on here. You will know when the time is right! Listen to you and no one else. If it takes a day a month or a year it doesn't matter - you will know, try and have some amazing friends to be there for you, ones you can ring when you're wavering, ones that don't judge but support!
My counsellor says OH is presenting classic Coercive control and to be aware of the pattern and what to expect.
Now on day 3, taking it one day at a time, it's bloody hard and draining but I haven't changed my mind. It would be easy to but I know this time I have to mean it. I keep thinking that if it were my daughters I would be saying " don't put up with this crap" I need to set an example.

He's trying everything to get me to change my mind even coming into my bed for a 'cuddle' in the middle of the night and felt very hurt when I said No!
Sorry for rambling ..... 😳

@Zazu44. Well done to you. Be proud you are still sticking to it.

I do believe I’m there.
Will probably sound the most ridiculous thing to many, but he came to give me a cuddle while I was dishing up dinner. This is nothing unusual and in previous months I would oblige. I said no.
He went to reply with his normal response ‘there’s always something’

I realised there and then I can not give him the emotional attention he needs anymore. My kids require less attention than he does.
My body is expected to stop and be his whenever he says.

I have emotionally detached from him now. I don’t think there is any going back from that.

The nastiness maybe came from the fact I was already withdrawing myself from him. I don’t know.
But what he doing now to make me out to be bad cop is unfair.

I have booked a financial advisor as someone mentioned and I think I may go to an estate agent next week.
Baby steps.

Just need to figure out how to tell him. I suspect he will be broken

@Zazu44. That's great.

@OEJ1979 Im in the same place. I suspect DH will be broken when I can eventually tell him too. Though other times I think he'll be relieved, he's not acting like someone who actually cares. I don't think physical 'affection' counts, because that's just him wanting sex and something he finds easy. It's support and emotional affection he struggles with.

Hiya can I join? My relationship is over in my head it has been for a long time the trouble is my partner can’t grasp this. Saw a solicitor today which was good. Now reality has hit home house searching. Keep strong everyone!

@OEJ1979 Separating feels too monumental. I think baby steps are the way to go if there's no safety reason you need to get out quickly.

I'm having a complete dilemma. How and when to do it.
I've already said it's over (many times). He's in complete denial and said he doesn't agree.

It's been awful since four years ago. Bad since at least 10 years ago but spectacularly shit since November a year ago. His mental stability is up and down but since that Nov. When he attacked me and his meds went up 50% he has been more regular and balanced.

Because he's been up and down he's been a complete prat and already bandied the divorce word at the children. So there isn't a typical opportunity now to sit the children down and explain as they've been living under the threat of it for over a year.

Every time he does something stupid like buy something ridiculously expensive that we don't need and I get cross he'll say things like oh mummy will want a bad divorce. I'll want a good one but she'll want a nasty one. (what I actually think he means is it'll get nasty because she won't agree with me and my views)

Completely inappropriate I know!!

Over the past 14 months when we've rowed about separating he has flounced off to his computer twice, gone on to the Government website to file and said come on then. Let's just do it. We'll just fill it in and say we're separated for two years. (Interesting he doesn't think assaulting his wife is cause). I say well we haven't been separated for that time so I can't do that. He says it doesn't matter. I say I can't lie on legal documents, this has to be done properly.

So right now I want to do more solicitors to find out about his violence and whether I can stop him having the children. I'm not saying not see them etc. But just being responsible, because he isn't responsible. My youngest had to go to hospital with deep wounds after he fell on to garden tools left out. I don't mean in use and put down briefly, but out for a couple of weeks when I've been saying put it away it's dangerous!!!

I also want to go and see the financial advisor too to see what the assets could be etc.

So I worry if I take too much time doing that, that I'll pick up my mail one day and he'll have divorced me for unreasonable behaviour.

I'd find that pretty devastating especially after living in a controlling relationship, being attacked twice by him as he had a caution 14 years ago too, then 14 months ago. Plus shoving his cock into me when I was sleeping.

Should I just go ahead and go for divorce. That would be like pulling a pin and throwing a grenade in the room.

Do I stick to my plan of getting more information and then do it hoping he won't have had the brains to do it.

I have no clue what he does all day. Since returning to work after sick he works from home, so I go to work and he's in the house. I've no ducking blue (auto correct don't you love it. No fucking clue!!!) at all what he does. Who he speaks to etc. He could be on the phone to solicitors all day for all I know.

Argh!! If only Amazon prime did crystal balls.

@PressToChange you have got this. If you need more info or financial advice that is fine. Take your time and get armoured up. But your analysis tonight is so insightful. Rapier sharp. You see him and your relationship as it truly is.
For me the violence is sickening. I'm sorry but it is. I can't imagine what that must do to you and I'm so sorry you have had to endure it. It's just utterly shite and I am amazed how strong you have been.
He is a tosser for talking about divorce in front of the kids. I give him an arse academy award for that one. They just don't care about the collateral damage at all when they spout their bile and think they are being clever. It's all about them, not about our kids' well-being.
My H is the same. And always manipulating my DCs whenever he can. And I have no idea what the eff he does all day either. I just work full time. And come home to look after the DCs every night. Something I have done for the past 16 years. He on the other hand does not.
You don't need a crystal ball. Just the knowledge that this cannot continue. It just can't. So very soon you will call time. And then breathe. And stand still. Hugs to you.

@PressToChange If you are worried about him filing first because that might have a bearing on assets and/or childcare, then don’t! It’s not taken into consideration who is at fault. So other than maybe trying to get to you by getting in there first, it would not give him an advantage. Hope that helps. x

Presstochange this is abuse and is a criminal offence. Call Women's Aid for some advice and get to a solicitor too to look at your options. He is probably just being a twat and threatening but there's no harm in being one step ahead.
There's a great lady I follow on YouTube called ' Stephanie Lyn' she talks about all sort of relationship stuff inc toxic relationships, narcissistic ones and how to deal/ escape from them. Have a look. Sending hugs to you all x

Hi everyone,
fairly new to the forum, I can not believe how many of us are in unhealthy relationships. I really want to leave my husband. If I didn't work from home, I would have gone by now. I feel like i am in a ticking time bomb. I am planning on leaving February half term as I have some leave then and it gives me a few weeks to get things in place. I know he will just call my bluff saying i am having a breakdown etc as I have just lost my Dad but I was planning on leaving before my Dad became ill. I even told him last night, but in a joking way, that he has a sex problem and he just said, oh it isnt my fault, its my d**k fault! How can you blame a body part....what a nutter. Sexual abuse is the main reason I am leaving and I can not wait to have my body back to myself and for no one to touch it until I am ready.

Thanks zazu44 I haven't yet spoken to woman's aid but I think I will give them a call. I'll also look at the links on YouTube.
SoTiredTonight, thank you, for me with filing the divorce it's being in control of the process so that if he delays I can take action and progress. But also it would be a final slap in the face after his behaviour if he said I was badly behaved.
SheddingSkins thank you. I'm fine. I've been under such a cloud of not knowing what was actually going on. Control etc blinds a person . You only know how bad things are in hindsight as it's a drip drip over years. I really do thank you for your kind words and support. I don't really have many people in RL that I can confide in. You are right it is and always has been about him.

@PressToChange I totally get that!

@seekingfreedom welcome to the thread. When I started the thread I never envisaged that we would end up with over 400 posts!
I’m so sorry to hear that he is being sexually abusive, that must be horrendously difficult. Irrespective of the type of abuse the default not taking responsibility or being accountable shines through. Yes it’s really his “manhoods” fault!
That’s great that you have a plan in place. Do you have any support irl or is this the first time you’ve opened up? Do you think you might feel able to contact Women’s aid?

@PressToChange - It’s very hard to be the one to instigate divorce. I’ve yet to do it, but know it’ll be me, and i’ll be the ‘baddie’. Trouble is, I’m realising that my DC, my family, and many of our friends will actually not be surprised at all.

Over the years, he’s behaved so badly that it’ll just confirm their feelings. My issue is that my boundaries have been set so low.

I am appalled at the way he’s treated you. Do you want retribution or just get out? I’d be inclined to go for the latter and then get counselling or therapy to unravel the abuse.

Sounds like he’s doing a number on the DCs, so the sooner that stops, the better.

@seekingfreedom - it was when my DF died, that my lightbulb was switched on. Something about losing a parent that makes us wake up.

I’ve started those baby steps.

Booked a financial advisor
Going to an estate agent

Just wonder how anyone finds the courage to do it.
My heart sinks every time I try.

Maybe I need to do in counselling?

For the first time ever he tidied the kitchen last night, laid a breakfast table and changed his bed sheet (2,5 months they had been on).

I know I just have to end this. I’m miserable. He is trying to act like nothing is wrong which makes me so mad because I had 12 months of him being miserable. The past couple of days he has asked me for lunch, dinner and to the theatre. I just say no so I’m bad cop again.

God I’m drained of all this