Support thread-trapped in an unhappy relationship and can’t leave/can’t leave yet

[Idontkowmyname]

I thought I might start a thread to help those of us trapped in unhappy relationships over the stressful Xmas/New Year period. Have a moan, have a rant, debrief and hopefully feel less isolated/alone when it appears everyone else is playing happy families.
Ironically saw something on Facebook which said stop comparing your outtakes to everyone else’s highlight reels which I thought was quite apt given the time of year.

Zazu44 I hope it goes well for you. I had counselling and she told me to keep it brief so he can understand it. Not more than a sentence at a time as he wouldn't hear clearly enough what I was saying.

OEJ1979 I don't think that I'd like it at all. It's all a bit wet, sloppy and (in my opinion) odd. Sadly my H would say stupid stuff about a melon squidgy for cheap laughs with 2xds. Something like "it's just like mummy's booby" would have them rolling around. I would be rolling my eyes and my oldest dd would be shrieking daddy you can't say that.

@OEJ1979 @PressToChange the watermelon squishy thing is just way too much. I mean, really? Planet puerile.
And the ear sucking thing, well....
@Press I would have metaphorically slapped him and said stop nibbling/slobbering over me you old goat/pervert. But then I'm not one to hold back...🙃

Sorry, meant to tag you @OEJ1979 on the ear encounters.

Evening all!

@Sheddingskins I told him over the festive period for the first time but he refused to accept it and so I backed down. But I need legal advice to establish what my position is if he refuses to move etc. What can I do, how often can I expect to see the kids.

@OEJ1979 sorry that all sounds more revolting than arousing to me!

@Zazu44 oh goodness - fingers crossed for you - hope you are ok.

My H came home early tonight - completely threw me! He’s a good man and father, but I can’t live like this for the rest of my life. I will die of boredom. I’ve had a particularly low day today, cried most of it in absolute despair about this shit situation I’ve found myself in. Sometimes I really don’t know how I’m going to survive this whole ordeal.

I’m pleased I’m not the only one that finds it revolting. I’ve put up with it for 20 years. I can’t anymore!

@Molly you will survive because you knows it’s what us women do. We are much much stronger than these men think.
You say he is a nice man and a good dad....someone on here said to me...does a nice man abuse the mother of his children? No. And if he abuses you the at some point the control will move to the kids also so that doesn’t make him a good dad.

Once you have tour advice I’m sure you will have the confidence to move forward.

@Zazu44 please let us all know how you are doing.

Hi, well I did it! Asked him about the messages, he was blasé about them, saying it was a bit of fun, and just lied and lied. I took his iPad and he didn't like it, things got a bit heated and in a scuffle he now has a bump on his head and I have a bruised arm. Not good. All intentions of being calm went out the window when he started being verbally abusive.
He says he was bored and there is nothing wrong in having a bit of fun on messenger. Told him he can have all the flirty messages he wants now, I'm done.
Have now had endless texts saying I have anger problems and I need to face that. Always turning it round to being my fault, I'm not thin enough, I don't give him enough sex and so on.....I am done, I deserve better.

@Zazu44 Are you ok? I assume he’s no longer at yours if he’s texting you?

I posted recently about feeling trapped and unhappy. The unhappiness has abated but this marriage is just living reasonably amicably with a (much older) companion. I feel lonely, much of the time. When I’m alone I never feel lonely. And I resent the lack of freedom to go out and meet new people without him (very much frowned upon).

I wondered if any of you long-suffering, strong and stoic women ever have this dream, which I’ve been having more and more often? The dream is of being fulfilled (not so much sexually, but maybe that too), with a partner who seems to be - pardon the pun - a ‘dream’ partner. The dream is of a wonderful man who makes me feel very deeply content. The details are hazy and vary each time. The dream is more about the feeling of deep-seated happiness and contentment (more so than details or action). It’s very obviously a wish-fulfilment dream, borne out of feelings of loneliness, boredom and discontent.

Anyone recognise this?

Oh @Zazu44 what an evening and I really hope you are ok. You have totally done the right thing, and it’s never easy to stay calm even when you just have to give them the message let alone dealing with the verbal abuse.

So he’s now turned it around on you which is classic, my H did that when my dad died in August and I went slightly mad. You are right and it’s made your decision so much easier hopefully although of course still very difficult for you. Sending lots of love and support!

We live together so both here. And it will have to be like that until we sell the house, but I have good support x

@Zazu44 you should be so proud of yourself.
Take care and try and rest if you can.

Please someone tell me this has to be the final lightbulb....speaking with dd this evening. It sounded like my h.

When I first asked him to leave I told my dd I was doing it. She seemed to understand why. Anyway when he didn’t go he told me via his solicitor that under no circumstances was I to discuss the issues further with her. As much as this isn’t legal I have honoured that request. Little chat but nothing in depth. The fucker has told her everything. That I said he couldn’t see the kids or speak to them. That he has done nothing wrong to hurt my family. That he won’t leave me alone with them or let me look after them as I always have done because I’m trying to show he is no good.
My god did I do well remaking dignified. I said he had twisted things. That it’s not all true. But I’m not going any further than that.
She also said if this is all because he said I’m fat then I’m the lamest person she knows.
That he is showing me by the kisses that he is just putting the love back.

He is a crafty shit.
He has got into her head. How the hell so I get him out?
How do I get out?
She said my ds was crying at us arguing earlier. He is creating them in front of the kids.

@Mollychambers it always throws me when H comes home early. It's like I need to prepare mentally to cope ok with him being here.

@OEJ1979 I'd definitely say weird and would make me so uncomfortable. H has always been a random grabber, which I hate. I don't want someone to grab my arse when Im doing chores, it's just so out of place. But nothing like yours, I feel claustrophobic reading that.

@Norwegianleatherindustry I dream the opposite, no guy. Just me and the kids and peace. I'm all touched out from the kids, I don't want anyone else, so unless dream guy is happy to share all the chores, support me and keep our relationship platonic then he can bugger off.

@Zazu44 I hope his reaction has made you feel how right your decision is. And I hop e you're OK? Will have to stay under one roof once I tell H too, unless he moves out. No way I can.

I'm really sick. Everyone else in my life can tell when I'm struggling physically, when Im getting dizzy with exhaustion, when the pains agonising. H I have to be at the collapsing stage before he notices and then it's "what's wrong with you?", but his tone very much adds the silent again, I can hear he's pissed off, how dare my health inconvenience him. Had DC school concert a few weeks ago, ran into a mum I kinda know, she was really concerned by how sick I was, could see I was struggling. She wanted to make sure I was OK, so we talked for a bit. DH reaction, pissed off he'd had to for once deal with a meltdown from our DC who has SEN on his own. I was struggling not to sob from pain and he was lecturing me about how long I'd been. He just has no idea, he just does not get it. And it makes a very hard situation much harder knowing he doesn't have my back, just sees my disabling health conditions as an inconvenience. I never would have gotten this bad if I hadn't pushed and pushed trying to do it without any help, trying to be the person he wanted me to be.

My councillor that I saw in the summer said that he didn't think I would need antidepressants if I got rid of OH and that he is emotionally abusive, also he won't change but I can change how I deal with it. So true. I'm laying here feeling guilty and sad and lonely but I know I have to mean it this time. He is an arse.
Dreaming of a little home for me and maybe a dog, where I can have my children and grandchildren over when I want and sing and dance around the house, watch crap on tv and go to bed with a good book, ON MY OWN!

@Zazu44 that little house sounds so amazing.

@OEJ1979 what a jerk, can see clearly who he's putting first and it's not his DC like it should be. How old are your DC? Not sure what's age appropriate but I was thinking maybe something about love not being just the physical side of things, that it involves support and having someone's back and that name calling is never OK in a loving relationship. If he's telling the DC inappropriate things then if it were me I'd be having a long hard think that as much as you don't want to you might need to respond in an age appropriate non accusatory way. Mine are all little and the oldest DC is definitely very much on my side. Our SEN DC and the littlest are too young developmentally to understand, but it's me they all come running to when they need help or comfort. Nothing I've done, just the way their dad has been.

@OEJ1979 your post made my blood run cold. That is my worst nightmare. He is not abiding by his own (solicitor-couched) missives and rather, indulging in self-serving masquerades. Can you lawyer up and make the break soon? Put some clear water between you both with some ground rules that are adhered to by both of you if neither will leave and/or if necessary find a new place for you to share custody? So sorry. Well done on keeping so calm. You can fight back.

@ToBreatheAgain I can hear the pain and the exhaustion in your post. So sorry you are so poorly. I don't think he has an empathy bone in his body. Hugs to you and hoping tomorrow will be better.

@Mollychambers if you are in the UK the starting point as far as I am aware is the Matrimonial Causes Act 1973, section 25. Maybe have a look on line and then find a reputable lawyer and go armed with questions? Take care and rooting for you.

@Sheddingskins my blood still boils but why is it me that had zero sleep and feels sick with guilt. The thought of taking kids from their luxurious lifestyle.
Should I shut up and stop moaning?
Just for the kids
But the thought of her carrying on talking to me like her father worries me?

Why do these men do it?

@OEJ1979 - he’s a complete shit. That’s awful, he’s playing games with you and pushing you to your limits. How disrespectful and how telling - you need to make changes ASAP. I firmly believe that the kids will adapt and love their new lifestyles, how old is your DD? Would their lives alter that much? Would you stay local? I’d move to the town near to us, it would mean a few years of commuting back to a school but ultimately they will go to senior school in the town where I intend to live so that makes logistics easier. I have a friend whose son is in DD’s class who moved and she drives in every day and then goes to work. It seems to be fine for her. Guilt is part of this whole thing, that’s what keeps us with them. Guilt sucks!

Yes take action before your DD becomes overwhelmingly influenced by H. You are of course ultimately saving her. She may not see that now but she will in years to come.

@Sheddingskins thank you so much. I’ll have a look.

I too dream of a lovely little cottage where I can do what I want when I want. I’m very comfortable being on my own but I’d like to be serviced once in a while - I still also want to have fun, one of the reasons that I need to leave is there is no fun AT ALL with my H unless the kids are there. We went away before Christmas and it polarised this point as we had nothing to say to each other and it was so dull (I’m afraid just like him). You can’t force that kind of fun, so I’d rather not have to and then I’m free to create my own without worrying whether someone else is putting on a show and doesn’t really want to do the things I want to. Sounds a bit pathetic I know but I’ve always craved fun and it’s part of my DNA. My parents had fun right to the end of my dad’s life and I desperately need to be true to myself and not just wilt away in the corner somewhere not being true to myself. Sorry rant over!!!!

@Mollychambers I should be able to stay in the same town unless he wastes huge amounts on court fees.

I literally want to throw up. I can’t stop shanking. He started again this morning in front of son about dd and her phone. She is 13. It switches off at 10pm normally. But he approved screen time at 9.55 and then blames me that she has snuck her phone into her room and I don’t know.

I should go to bed until she is asleep apparently.
My poor boy didn’t know what to do.

But it is still me that feels like I’m dying inside. I’m the one over reacting. I’m the one that should just forget. It wasn’t just once her called me fat...in an unpleasant way...it was months.
It wasn’t once he told me I was sit in bed...it was months/years with no thought for medical issues.

I know he’s an arse but why am I feeling like I’ve just got to get on with it. Exhausted and drained and my head is lost in thoughts.

Can someone do this for me????

@Sheddingskins thank you. I don't know if it's a lack of empathy or he doesn't believe me or just doesn't care anymore. Whatever it is, it hurts so much.

@OEJ1979 I think the answers probably because that's who they are. If they thought like we did they wouldn't want to act that way. I don't think it's likely to get better if you stay. It sounds like he's setting you up to fail (is his mind), like with the phone so he can blame you and make it look like you're the bad guy. H is like that, I always end up feeling guilty when we argue, even when I can see he's 100% wrong I still end up feeling like the bad guy. That's who I am, the person who feels to blame for everything that goes wrong, the person that wants to make everyone happy, who struggles to stand up for herself, who struggles to value herself, who feels if she could just do it better she could fix everything. We're pretty much the worst people for each other.

@ToBreatheAgain you’ve summed me up very well.

I’ve had individual counselling followed by a joint session today. I don’t recommend it!
To say I feel deflated And exhausted is an understatement.
I know I have two options.

But why even after hearing my Dd talking like her father can I still not say enough is enough.
It’s like I know I’m going to break him and feel incapable of doing it even though he has done it to me and that’s why we are here?

I just want this whole shitty situation over and it won’t be. Which ever bloody route I take.

Why can I not make that leap?
Why can I not see sense?

Both therapists have said the same. Make a decision....

Why can I not make that leap?
Why can I not see sense?

Because it’s bloody scary anyway, but even more so because he’s fucking with her head, saying one thing and doing another. Trying to turn DD against you. Being outwardly loving and yet having his solicitor make demands of you. Gaslighting both you and your kids, well certainly DD; blameshifting about screen time and stuff like that. No wonder you are all over the place. Your reality is being totally messed with. It’s terribly coercive and abusive.

Zazu44 I hope you can stay safe and it all works out now that you've called him on it.
ToBreatheAgain that's so unfair treating you like that and not recognising (choosing not to recognise) you being so very unwell. You just don't need it. It makes it so much worse that an almost stranger can see it!!
Norwegianleatherindustry at first I'd just like a calm and peaceful home for me and the dc. Where we can relax in our own space. Eventually I'd like to think I could have someone who would love me properly, and value me.
Mollychambers I hope the legal advice works for you.
OEJ1979 you are strong and you have got this!!
I also had a counselling session today. They're pretty hard going at the best of times. She keeps asking me - especially when I talk about what's happening with the children or H - yes but what do you want, what do you want?
I know what I want. I did ten years ago. Now I have the strength to do it. Really I had the strength 10 years ago but I just didn't know it.