Support thread-trapped in an unhappy relationship and can’t leave/can’t leave yet

[Idontkowmyname]

I thought I might start a thread to help those of us trapped in unhappy relationships over the stressful Xmas/New Year period. Have a moan, have a rant, debrief and hopefully feel less isolated/alone when it appears everyone else is playing happy families.
Ironically saw something on Facebook which said stop comparing your outtakes to everyone else’s highlight reels which I thought was quite apt given the time of year.

Thanks for that reminder feeling free I've just logged on and bought a fistful of lottery stuff... I won't hold my breath but you never know!

Sorry the Cat jumped on me as I was typing and pressed too soon!

OEJ thst really is appalling. I'm so sorry. He is a duck not to see your tears. I mean really? He didn't see or didn't care to see. That is sexual abuse I'm sorry to say but he wasn't thinking if you at all. It's about him and his pleasure. I'm
so sorry to hear that.

Mollychambers our finances are very complex too. Although high earner he pisses it away so not much actual cash although we do have assets.

Does anyone find it hard to look the H in the eye/face. I really struggle. He shave his moustache off and it took me about a week to notice. Although when I stopped wearing my wedding rings it took him 3 and a half weeks to notice. Once he did his question was "what did people say at work" as though anyone's looking at my bloody fingers. Really the question is why does it matter what other people think m but what do you think but I wAx too slow to say that.

Shit hit the fan today. Had the day from hell with dh and one of the dc. Blurred out that I wanted a separation. He says he loves me and wants to make it work. I said you don’t emotionally abuse and control the woman you love. Not sure where to go from here

@PressToChange Good luck! We are all deserving cases, so let’s all have a weekly lottery dabble. Who knows, one of us could actually be doing the walk of freedom - free from drama, blame and gaslighting!
And can I just say your sentence “it’s all plausible until one day you look back and realise you’ve been a support act to this person. Enabling his life in every way to the expense of your own” This really resonated with me. Thank you - this thread is so good

I really wish someone could wave a magic wand (like lovely Glinda) and we would all be safely out of these toxic relationships, kids settled, finances determined, and free to live uninhibited at last.
I am living separately from DH, but the real struggle is just beginning. I now have to cement it so that he knows it is truly over. I am bracing myself for even more bullshit..🙄

I have worked in family law so I know the facts. But am moving on in spite of the legal position, which will effectively leave me with little support from DH (he has no income) and trying to fund two homes. (And hoping that the no fault divorce private members bill is resurrected pretty quickly!).
Question to all the brave women (and men) struggling out there..
If you were required to toss a coin just once, for a final outcome, and I mean 'that's it -decision made no going back'..
and heads would be stay, and tails leave...
and then the coin came down heads....
how would that make you feel?
I have been using that as my guide.

@Sheddingskins I think I would feel very flat. Maybe numb. The thought that the option was taken away from me.

@feelingfree17 If that €170m Lands in my account I’ll be able to speed it wisely! Although my parents may have to win it so he doesn’t go for half!!!!

@Idontkowmyname
I think maybe this is your opportunity. If you know deep deep down leaving is the right thing this is your chance.

Take the opening. It’s been said now.
Wishing you a restful night sleep xx

@OEJ1979* Ha ha - great minds think alike! I had already considered that too. Most definitely a lucky win for those parents! 😉
Sleep well!

@OEJ1979 I always felt I couldn't bear it. Even if the leaving left me so fearful as well. Staying would have been worse. A slow death of me.
@Idontkowmyname you are nearly there. That's a huge step. Hang in there. Deep breath.
Good night all..and fingers crossed @feelingfree17...your numbers are coming...or the equivalent of...😉

@SoTiredTonight Reading your response to me made me well up, just because you affirmed and validated my experience. That’s how far things have got, feeling understood by and allegiance to strangers I’ve never met, just because they offer more support and compassion than I’ve known for years.
flowers to all of you ladies. Wishing you heaps of strength!

Me too. I've felt more support from this thread then from H for years. If I reach out for support he makes it all about him and how I should be giving him more support. I feel so sad whenever anybody cares how I am, because it reminds me how little he cares the one person in life that is supposed to care even if no one else does

@OEJ1979 *I dream of having someone that does the little things. Puts a cup away. Empties a dishwasher. Cooks me dinner. And yes shows affection but in a genuine loving way that doesn’t make me feel like I’m being groped.

I need to breathe again. So desperately just want to breathe peaceful air. and 51OEJ1979

My lasting memory of our marital bed is lying there while he had sex with me crying. He didn’t even notice.
Not rape as I never said no but the worst experience I can think of.
Can I ever get emotional attached to a man that made me feel that way again?*

I could have written all of this. I just want space and peace. I can't imagine ever wanting to be with someone again after everything. Not crying during, but 6+ months where everytime after he'd fall asleep and Id go and cry in the loungeroom, for 2-3 hours. I felt used and worthless. Even if he fixed all the other stuff, I can't imagine ever getting past this. The thought of sex with him makes me want to die.

@Idontkowmyname - I hope you are ok. It’s probably good you told him, although where you go from here is the question. I told my H but have ended up backing down much to my regret. I hope you can make some progress..

@PressToChange - I can’t look at my H in the eye or even at all any more. What does that say about me? I’m thinking of taking my rings off. He will notice immediately.

@Sheddingskins - have you actually moved out? How has that all planned out? At least you have made the first (if very painful) move. I’m still treading water.

Hi @Mollychambers, your situation sounds very similar to mine. Yes we have been effectively living apart for a couple months, taking turns to spend a week in the family home. It was his idea after he refused to move out and I agreed as we had been sleeping apart for nearly two years. He is not happy at all and wants it all 'the way it was'. Which is what I am trying to escape from.
It's not ideal and I know this year is going to be very tough as well as I want to cement the separation and move forward. But I have to do it in small stages as he is a long way behind me processing it and I want to keep it as amicable as I can for the kids. The fear is still there, but after a rotten 2019 and the exhausting battle to get this far, I just could not go backwards...
Am I right that you have gone back once to try and make it work but have just told H again that you need to separate? Have you talked about how you might effect a trial separation?

@SoTiredTonight I could have written your post.
I feel like I have just disappeared, and I am just so tired of being a non person.
This is really my driving force behind leaving, I need to matter to someone and I need affection. I honestly feel like I've died inside.
It's just so difficult. I get on great with DP most of the time. We still have a laugh, but I have also suddenly woken up to the way he treats me sometimes. Constantly talks over me, won't listen to my opinions, has no interest in my life. He doesn't join in with anything with the children, it's like he just lives alongside us.
I don't know if I want to stay or leave. There's moments when it's ok, but I'm deeply unhappy right now. Dreaming of that lottery win, I'd be gone like a shot. That says it all really.

I went for a run this morning and happened to go via a friend that is a divorce lawyer. Handy one to have.
The more I spoke the more I realised what a waste of time this all is.

She was round our home will both families having fun. She asked if I was dreading her leaving...yes was the answer.

I asked if she ever saw a women come back from this. In all her years one couple reconciled and this morning three years on she’s had a call. So the basic answer is no.

Even she knows he has done nothing I asked to help things. It will all be me. I can do that.
I need to find my way of saying I’m done.
Finances will go fairly close to 50/50 maybe a little more to me to cover fees and decorating a new home as it will be me to leave.
He will contest the kids and I need to have my armour ready. He is emotionally unstable and I will need a bloody long list to prove it. I would never stop contact but 50/50 won’t be right for the kids.

I think I’m there.

I’ll probably be back later a confused nightmare again. But right this moment I feel there.

DreadFull that's how I see my Hs relationship with us. Me and the children in one bubble. Him in a separate bubble and every now and again the bubbles bounce together.
Idontknowmyname so sorry to hear you sound so sad. If you've blurted it out it's because it's something you just can't deny to yourself any longer. I wish I'd listened to my instincts 10 years ago when I cried driving past solicitors, wondering how bad it has to be before you call it a day.
Feelingfree17 I think I've bought everything that says lottery in it for every single night this week. My Dad could be a very lucky man indeed too!!
Shedding skins id be gutted if the coin came down heads. I have decided it's over and I do intend to do this. It's taken every ounce of courage and resilience that I have to get this far. I know from other times when the relationship has been awful I ought to have gone l. I see this as my last chance. I'll be 50 in a couple of years. I'd like to think I'd be a young 50, I look after myself, I'm actually fun (although Ive been told I'm glass half empty for years!) I'd like to think there's a future for me still, one where I'm happy. One where someone might love and accept me for who I am.
OEJ1979 that's a good friend to have! Sending you lots of strength for what you seem to be deciding on. You only have to do divorce/separation once and then it's done otherwise you resign yourself to what is almost a daily punishment for the rest of your days.
I've chatted with my friends and described my life as living in a golden jail cell. From the outside it looks like we have a wonderful life but living it is like being in prison.

Update - I e just won the Premium Bonds!! £25 but that's a 10th if an ghoul with a solicitor so can't complain. It's looking up!!!

10th of an hour!!

@PressToChange. Golden jail cell. That is totally it.
He just went into one in front of kids. He pushes until he knows I’ll flip.

Both walked off. I said very clearly he lied about the summer holiday loud enough for them to hear...we didn’t goes as I was too fat and didn’t give you enough blow jobs.
Wonder what they thought of that?!

He is outrageous.

I know many of you are wanting someone to show affection but give me strength on this. He wants to touch me cuddle me kiss me nibble my fucking ears....constantly.

He has always been like this. But now when he knows where this is heading it is done purposely to show the kids his undying love for me.

I am loosing it rapidly and just want him to leave. Which he will not. Ever.

I hope this doesn't sound too blunt OEJ but is he doing this to show** everyone that you are his possession?
Mine is/was so OTT when out with others as though he was trying to demonstrate how much in love we are, how much sex we have etc. I think so people would be envious.

Decluttered stuff this morning. Old cards and things. I’m in bits seeing all the messages and remembering happier times...

Please can you all send me some strength, I think tonight is the night to tell him it's over but I feel nervous as he's so good at changing my mind. I can't take any more of his lying and messaging other women behind my back. Why do I feel bad though? He'll be mad I've looked on his phone ...again, but this is the 3rd time since June I've caught him and still I'm with him. Feeling shaky and want to put it off but think I need to tonight. 😔

@PressToChange I think he has always done it. The few friends I’ve spoken to all thought I was just happy being treated like it.
For now it’s all a show so the kids think it’s me that’s bad cop.
But even a 45min trip to the dentist I was different. It’s like I just relax. The second he walks in he is there.
@SoTiredTonight I cleared out dd room yesterday found lots of lovely bits. I’ve taken them out somewhere safe for me. Did the same with school pictures. Almost like I’m prepping myself. I keep looking round the house thinking what I would want to take....
Says even more than daydreaming on Rightmove

@Zazu44 thinking of you.
Big glass of whatever gives you courage. Xx

Thankyou x

Is this weird???

Sorry random one but bugging me and need to know again if I’m over reacting...
Does anyone know a man or a human for that matter that finds sucking on their partners ear like it’s a babies bottle for a good length of time a sign of affection?
Even arousing to him?

If fucking disgusting to me. Someone’s tongue in my ear.

Another annoying thing but is it weird????

We also have a large watermelon squidgy he has divided to call his replacement boob in front of the kids. Wtf????

@Zazu44 stay focused and remember you have the right to say what is in your heart. And to stick to your guns. When itou are done you are done. Good luck.