Support thread-trapped in an unhappy relationship and can’t leave/can’t leave yet

[Idontkowmyname]

I thought I might start a thread to help those of us trapped in unhappy relationships over the stressful Xmas/New Year period. Have a moan, have a rant, debrief and hopefully feel less isolated/alone when it appears everyone else is playing happy families.
Ironically saw something on Facebook which said stop comparing your outtakes to everyone else’s highlight reels which I thought was quite apt given the time of year.

Reading everyone's stories there is a clear theme of guilt. Which is ridiculous really as all of us have put up with a heck of a lot to get to this place where we are contemplating or have decided to separate.
My husband continues to talk about me destroying the family. Well no, I'm not destroying the family. I am finally saying no to your behaviour.
When I tell him that were separating he tells me that I must tell everyone that I am separating from him because he isn't and doesn't want to separate.
Well nice to know how important it is to say who did what eh?
I tell him that we are separating because of his atrocious behaviour.
I do feel an immense amount of guilt, but I'm trying to quash it because it wasn't my behaviour that got us into this position. I didn't cause this.
For me it's been like a gradual dawning as I look back and realise how controlling it's been. But at the time he's always had a "good reason" why things go or have to go a particular way. It's all plausible until one day you look back and realise you've been a support act to this person. Enabling his life in every way to the expense of your own.
Karigan mine does that too. I couldn't possibly make a cup o tea, shove washing in etc and listen to him at the same time could I?! I feel it's because he likes to hold court. Have an audience hold on to his every word because he is so very important. There have been times in my life when I've thought that he's a bit like a toddler. You know when they say mummy listen and get their little hands and turn your head to them! Like that!
OEJ def go for option 2. I look back and have had opportunities where I ought to have gone. That was 10 years ago. Who knows what my life would have been like over the last 10 years if I'd gone. i know I couldn't fail to be more happier than now.

@PressToChange I get you 100%! Are you leaving? I could have left last year but decided I couldn’t go through with it but now I feel I have to - as I’m worried I’ll look back when I’m 60 and regret so much (I’m 50 now). Kids are young though (6 and 8) but they don’t deserve this life, when I leave their lovely spoiled life will be over though, they won’t have the lifestyle they have become accustomed to. But their mother will still be alive and happy and surely that’s got to count for something!

It's also just so ridiculous. Who cares exactly how I do things? It's certainly not something that bothers me about other people. But he constantly.reflects that if only I had done it his way then there would have been no need for the argument/unpleasant atmosphere.
I don't think I've ever in even a single occurance been off with someone about how they washed up, arranged clothing a wardrobe, told me information. Yet apparently it's totally normal to be that incensed all the time by tiny things if people aren't doing them 'properly'

I'm not sure whether he genuinely believes the above or whether he's just been controlling as another way of grinding me down. I went to a therapist on my own in September (laughably on his insistence to 'sort out my shit' And in the second session she said to me "Who exactly does he think he is to speak to you, make demands of you like that?" Totally opened my eyes.

@Mollychambers @PressToChange
I have to do something.
I’m sure this is has lighting what he is doing...correct me if I’m wrong.

Today’s antics have continued with over the top affection..lying on top of me while trying to watch tv with the kids.
Oldest shouting this does my head in arguing then kissing. I’m not. I’m just laying there.
He lied saying we didn’t have a summer holiday because he was looking for work. It wasn’t. It was because I was too fat and hadn’t given him enough blow jobs to be rewarded!
He is blatantly trying to make me look the bad guy in front of the kids and that’s all me.
Now he is sulking.
Had way too much time in this house over the holidays. I so wish he hasn’t quit his job.
I think this is my chance. I am here for another 10 years til the kids leave otherwise. And then I just don’t think I can live 24/7 with the man. He is so needy and demanding and fucking controlling and manipulative.

I do wonder if I even love the man anymore. I don’t like him right now for sure.

@OEJ1979 - definitely gaslighting to me. I’ve attached (I think!) a poster about it. At the very least it’s unreasonable behaviour. This is definitely your chance! Don’t wait another 10 years. Imagine how bad it will be then (please can I take my own advice!)

Yes Molly we've been living separately in same home for over a year after an incident of domestic violence. I can't stand him but I've given it a bloody good go at being a family, really to my own detriment. I've been telling him since Oct I think that we need to end this and I want a divorce. Cue him trying and getting better (FFS)
After this weekend I'll be more proactive in sorting it all out but I don't think it's something that you can do immediately if you've been in a long term controlling relationship.
Telling few trusted friends in real life was good for me, I could t back down easily and settle back into the mire. Also their reactions were so interesting- one said he only really wanted a trophy anyway.
I'm only a couple of years behind you in age. I really can't take it anymore and I know how hard the split is it can't be more unpleasant than the left four years of my life.
OEJ mines also doing father of the year act. This Christmas was the first that he's done present buying and spent thousands. F()£kWit. He didn't do it equally though so one too young to notice and that's fine but eldest throwing daggers at her sister.
Yes it's definitely gaslighting. I have now learned to say back what things were. Even if it is (not in front of kids obvs) "no, you said no summer holidays because you thought i was too fat dear" I don't say it with any aggression but like pacifying a toddler. Honestly! I feel I've got nothing to lose so I might as well. It's just so difficult in front of the children as you then are the evil one.
I also write every strange incident down too. Like driving back through France and dd2 is badly behaved so he attempts to stop on hard shoulder because he is so f**king angry and wants to "chastise" her.
I think we just have to ride it out and long term continue to be the stable influence for the children in the hope they'll see though it.

Hi everyone, I have been reading along but not really said much, mainly because I am so confused about the whole situation at home. Yes, guilt about feeling unhappy is probably a massive issue for me, and questioning myself as to whether I am being unreasonable in what my expectations are.
I also find it difficult somehow to own up to things that have gone wrong here for so long, he is such a decent person on one hand and yet so neglectful and indifferent where I am concerned. @Sametimenextyear posted about DH not having her back with family, not walking with her; part of that post could have been written by me. But never being told that I’m beautiful or similar. I am late 40s but I know that I look younger and I am attractive both physically and as a person. I am not saying this out of vanity but I know how people view me, so for him to never make any comment is just so disheartening, because I really don’t think he even looks at me anymore. And I’m talking years here. He is a few years older than me and I have been with him since my early 20s and we have no children.
It has become second nature for me to just live alongside him, so if there is no actual tension originating from him, I am in a way quite happy to plod along. Until the next time, when there’s friction over something totally ridiculous. Or he doesn’t listen. Or patronises me. Or makes me feel unimportant. I just desperately want to be with someone who loves me for myself, who appreciates me as a person, who values me, my views, and even my achievements, no matter how little or small. Isn’t that what sharing your life should be like? I have been so starved of affection and attention both in words and in actions, that I no longer seek it from him, and in fact no longer feel that I want to be affectionate either which is totally unlike me. I am naturally a very loving person but I feel stunted here. I just don’t really see a way forward because I can’t see him changing. I am now at a point where my feelings for him are no different than those I have for a good friend, brother or cousin. And at times not even that when he’s being a dick to me.
I know this post is all over the place but I felt that I wanted to share a little, given that I am drawing comfort from all you ladies in similar shoes. Thank you for sharing your stories, it makes me feel far less alone.

@PressToChange, I totally get it, I’m not in an overwhelmingly bad relationship and H has never been violent but he can be a complete dick (a lot of the time actually) and he totally took me for granted until last week when I told him I wanted to separate. Since I backed down (I couldn’t bear it all) he’s been father of the year. Even cooked a roast today (never done before in 10yrs of marriage). But it’s too little too late and also when feelings aren’t there any more I can’t create them. We have to be true to ourselves. It will hurt a ton of people for maybe a couple of painful years but after that it’s done. The alternative is to live the rest of our lives (or for me at least 10yrs) in pain whilst the kids get more and more aware that we stayed with just because of them. I will be blamed by him for breaking up the family but then I always have been so nothing new there. And truth is this family life has been a sham for years. I’ve just been an extremely good actress. With the domestic violence issue it would be pretty straight forward petitioning for a divorce but it’s the money/kids side that is al so traumatic I’m guessing?

Sotiredtinight I get what you mean about wanting to be in a loving relationship. I walk round the shops and see people walking hand in hand with a closeness. That's what I want too just be in a loving place with someone who accepts me as an individual with thoughts and needs of my own that are equally valid. In my relationship now there's no equality, I'm practically staff.
Mollychambers it's amazing how quickly they can change and try when they realise you're serious. I've no doubt that if I say oh it's marvellous, you've changed, it's last a month at best and I'd be at square one. I need to power through this.
Children and money scare me most. He is a high earner and I've been SAHM for 16 years apart from last 18 months now have crappy job which fits school hours. I know the courts should be fine and recognise how much my career was over both with children and also moving because of his job. But he won't think it's at all fair and will kick off. I'm happy for him to have relationship with children but there is no way that he's capable of parenting them in a shared role. They would have to be with me and then see or stay over with him. He's been violent and is just too volatile. He is also on medication to stabilise his mood but runs out or decides to cut down without medical help. He's threatened suicide three times in the last year too.
He's a narcissist and will not give up easily.
I have a friend who had a similarly awful and violent marriage. She had racked up £30,000 fighting her exH. I don't have access to that type of money. He on the other hand will.
Still. I just need to go this. Just about survived the holiday season and now onwards and upwards!!
Are you decided on what to do or weighing up the options?

Thank you all for sharing. I am another one, who although so sad to read all of this, gets comfort from knowing I am not alone.
Just gearing up for the drama which will ultimately unfold when I ask if he can bring in the Xmas decs box to pack everything away. (I am not allowed in said storage shed, as in his words, I would damage everything in there (boys toys) It will not be an easy straight forward exercise! Nothing ever is!! 🙄

@PressToChange I’m exactly the same, I’m finding myself permanently watching people - friends as well as strangers - and analysing their interactions. I’m finding it increasingly difficult to see anyone display affection to their other half. It’s like a permanent longing and I’ve started daydreaming about being with a yet unknown DP who really loves me. And here comes the guilt again...
Reading your response to me made me well up, just because you affirmed and validated my experience. That’s how far things have got, feeling understood by and allegiance to strangers I’ve never met, just because they offer more support and compassion than I’ve known for years.
to all of you ladies. Wishing you heaps of strength!

@feelingfree17 How patronising! Does he think you’re going in there with a fucking sledgehammer? Grrrrrrrrr!!!!!!

My Dh has always been great with affection. Too much for me. Like a teenager all the time. If he didn’t get it in return i was rejecting him. It wasn’t that I just didn’t need a tongue down my throat in public at 40 in front of the kids.
I dream of having someone that does the little things. Puts a cup away. Empties a dishwasher. Cooks me dinner. And yes shows affection but in a genuine loving way that doesn’t make me feel like I’m being groped.

I need to breathe again. So desperately just want to breathe peaceful air.

Does anyone else look at Rightmove dreaming?
Pretty clear sign doing that isn’t it?

Like many of you I will be blamed. Will loose a lot of his family that I’m very close to. But can I stay for that.

Surely I’d be mad?

He currently has ABBA blasting round the house...
Super Trooper...ironic.
Let’s shine likes stars
Smile have fun
And be fucking number one.

@PressToChange I’ve been chopping and changing - basically I need to have the facts before I make a final decision hence why I’m off to get legal advice this week. H is also a high earner. We earned the same when we first met (in the same team doing the same role) but I had kids and never went back so my career is basically over after 10yrs as it’s not something you can easily pick up again after all that time. Also it’s highly unlikely I could get a part time role locally. But H is refusing to leave or sell the house so I’d have to start again and although he’d have to buy me out (he won’t be able to but I have another property which we could sell - i owned it before I met him but we have been paying the mortgage for 10yrs on in) I would then have to find some way of supporting myself in a my smaller house whereas he will have this beautiful large house with huge garden. Also he doesn’t want to share the kids so I need to know if I leave will I still be able to argue I’m the main carer and we share the parenting (he can’t cope with being alone and wants to be able to see them every day and eve when he goes to and from work). Hence why I backed down because I couldn’t see a way out. I basically want to leave, set up home nearby and have my kids for at least 50% of the time. And be reasonably financially stable. Not sure if that’s going to happen though hence the legal advice. I’m in complete turmoil. I hate being here with every fibre of my being.

Molly
Try and take someone with you. There will be a lot said and you’ll miss things and even a simple question be email costs.

Like you dh is high earner. Although now from business and in dividends so I’m not sure how it will work.

He wants to buy me out but I’m not sure he will be able to. He won’t cope with kids and threatens me with that. I gave up my job for kids. That will be taken into account.
Solicitor mentioned section 20...google it. Takes into account potential loss of earning and earning capacity things like that.

All of a sudden our money is his and even the kids notice as I either don’t take them out or it’s somewhere cheap. He takes them to London for shows and fancy lunches!

@OEJ1979 I look at Rightmove all the time, in fact it was the main sign for me that I was ready to move on as before I was so in love with this house that I couldn’t bear the thought of leaving it. But its bricks and mortar at the end of the day and yes it’s full of lovely memories of the kids but it’s not full of great memories of me and H. In fact my abiding memory of this house will be me going into the bathroom, locking the door, then ‘V’ing up at him and calling him a wanker with a towel against my mouth so he couldn’t hear me. Done that a lot.

Good luck with the legal advice mollychambers i hope that it helps you with the facts to make a decision.
OEJ yes! I'm constantly on Rightmove. What would work. What could be extended...

I'll also be going for solicitor appointment soon. I've had one so far. For anyone who has been for legal help, what was the best/most relevant question that you asked? Perhaps we could come up with a good list?

My lasting memory of our marital bed is lying there while he had sex with me crying. He didn’t even notice.
Not rape as I never said no but the worst experience I can think of.
Can I ever get emotional attached to a man that made me feel that way again?

And yes there are many that would think we are crazy for even contemplating leaving a big house and no money worries but is that a life? I’m not so sure...

@PressToChange I just wrote some questions out but deleted them as they seem a bit daft. Our finances are so convoluted the whole situation is quite ridiculous and I fail to see how I’ll determine what I could receive.

I’ve just gone to my room (been sleeping separately for years) and I felt a twinge if sympathy for him. He’s not a bad man at all, I just don’t feel anything anymore. So utterly sad.

@OEJ1979 - I’m afraid I would definitely not feel any emotional attachment ever again. I don’t with my H now. Life is too short - we need to move on!

Molly.
I think I’m with you.
A day of him trying to kiss cuddle or maybe just harass me is ripping me apart and tipping me over an edge.

He tonight tried to do things our counsellor suggested two months ago.
I’m now watching tv in one room with DD and he’s in another.
When she goes to bed I do. The thought of making talk doesn’t appeal.

I feel like I’m getting there.
Just need to find out how to deal with telling him.
I hope I don’t regret this.

@OEJ I felt awful when I told him but also relieved. However I changed my mind because of how devastated he was and I felt sorry for him. It was the wrong thing to do. I’m regretting it now. So it seems we can’t win whatever we do!

@OEJ1979 thank you 😊 the ending of your post really made me smile to myself whilst lying in the bath trying not to cry ♥️

@OEJ1979 sorry just to clarify in case anyone thought I was laughing at something totally not funny 😬😬😬 I meant this :
He currently has ABBA blasting round the house...
Super Trooper...ironic.
Let’s shine likes stars
Smile have fun
And be fucking number one

Oh yes! A constant visitor on Rightmove and a constant dreamer of winning big on the lottery! Could just up and go, without having to face the shit storm he would create with me trying to claim what is rightfully mine.
It could just be ....... See ya! Have a nice life!

@coffeeisaddictedtome I’m pleased it made you smile!