Support thread-trapped in an unhappy relationship and can’t leave/can’t leave yet

[Idontkowmyname]

I thought I might start a thread to help those of us trapped in unhappy relationships over the stressful Xmas/New Year period. Have a moan, have a rant, debrief and hopefully feel less isolated/alone when it appears everyone else is playing happy families.
Ironically saw something on Facebook which said stop comparing your outtakes to everyone else’s highlight reels which I thought was quite apt given the time of year.

@OEJ1979
Thank you, I needed a bit of perspective. You're so right.
I've been reading so much & so much has resonated with me.
Sometimes I find things easier if I can put them in a box.
The great advice , when I said don't ask why....I should have retaken myself.
What you write is so similar to here.
I have only reconnected with my mum this week.
Totally get the possession thing.
Its when it suits him, if anyone looks at me. Everyone thinks he's such a great guy. He is really thoughtful & kind & generous. Its just not the same here...behind closed doors.
We had friends that said...
" we've decided we want our marriage to be just like yours "
He sat smiling like a bloody king, & I just tried not to allow the horror show on my face. Actually they weren't friends.... Just acquaintances.
Thankyou...I really did need a talking to !

@Sametimenextyear. My sister keeps threatening to take a frying pan to me!
I feel I’m left with two options.

1. move back into the bedroom, sign a post nuptial which will screw me over and then brush all my feelings under the carpet.
   Let the Dc continue having a lifestyle that is extremely privileged with little reality of the real world.
   All while bringing Dc up in a home that is not happy and I feel now will always have a toxic vibe even if we manage to box what’s happened.

2. file for divorce
   Have a year of hell as he will fight till then end to protect his money and get the Dc.
   But then live knowing I can be who I choose to be and not his possession jumping to his command. Showing the kids that life can be awesome even without all the extravagant things.

When I write it like that I think I know what 95% would say.

I would love to hear thoughts to see if I’m right!

I feel that dilemma too OEJ for me it really is a very very similar choice. Our relationship has been thoroughly crap for years. I've managed to hide it from all, I don't remember the last time I bought a wedding anniversary card because I didn't feel there was much to celebrate.
Before I went on holiday as a "family" (prearranged) I was firm that it was the end after the new year. While on holiday I swayed a bit thinking it's not so bad is it. To be fair I've been pretending for a very long time. But Ive not been in close quarters with him for a good while either and it was so very clear I can't live with him any more. So childish in his attitude to everything and do controlling and won't take no for an answer. Do you want some wine. Do you want some wine. Do you want some wine....
Before Christmas I started to tell people in RL. For two reasons, to make it real and also do I couldn't easily change your mind.
There reaction has been interesting. One person said that he really did want me as a trophy. Others had no clue. Others really quite perceptive - and lots of offers of supper.
I haven't told any one that he attacked me and now has a caution for assault. Not really sure why, probably I protect the children being tarred by their fathers reputation.
The other thing I do when I wonder if I am right is remind myself if the time I went to bed with him. As in sleep together to try and get close and bond. This was very clear. And I woke up to him having sex with me from behind. I left the room. The next morning I said you raped me and didn't even say sorry. He said if I hadn't run off I'd have heard him say sorry. Before Christmas I told him he'd been violent (attack) and had raped me. He said he hadn't because he stopped when I dissidents stop. No where in these conversations is he wracked with guilt or begging forgiveness or desperately sorry.
The children of course are oblivious. How do I say that their daddy is not the man they think he is. Has done very bad things and that is why I don't want to be married anymore. I actually do want to tell them quite bluntly but that would not be fair to them.

Oh @PressToChange, your post made me so sad and angry at the same time. The rape would undoubtedly be a deal breaker for me too. Stay strong. Telling people in RL takes away some of that all-encompassing fear. You can do this. The kids will be ok no matter what you do or don't share.

@ OEJ1979 you have said it all really. Be the person you want to be and take the fight to him. You will be on your way to a new and better life.

@OEJ1979 without divulging too many personal details I speak from experience when I say all a child wants is to feel safe in their own home. A nice house means very little when it is not a safe place.

@Sheddingskins the answer I thought!

@PressToChange I’ve sent you a pm. My heart breaks for you.

You say you’ve started to tell people in RL. That is the first of many steps for you.
The most important things to remember is this is your RL and you can with support of those you’re telling and your virtual friends turn your life into the one you truly deserve.

Can I join too?! Been married 5 and half years with 2 young children, We have been arguing a lot recently, he gets into moods very easily, I feel he takes me and the children for granted, I know it sounds silly but I don’t feel cherished by him, he’s always so grumpy. I’m quite an outgoing bubbly person and very much a peoples person were as he is introverted, and has no friends or should I say friends that he invests in. I have lost attraction for him with him gaining a lot of weight but also his boring personality l, I know I maybe sound harsh but I feel he is the one getting a good deal and yet he walks about miserable , I feel I’ve very little to say to him anymore and I’m just completely bored....help...

@Seekingjoy welcome to the thread. Does he accuse you of being moody? It’s horrible when you feel that your partner really doesn’t care at the end of the day. As many pp’s have said actions speak louder than words. You don’t sound harsh, you just sound well and truly fed up and understandably so.

I can't believe how many of us there are.
My situation wasn't great, but honestly , the lives some are existing in are truly heartbreaking.
@Idontkowmyname Thankyou.
You've done a wonderful thing in starting this thread.
I really hope, it gives the strength & inspiration to those who are stuck.
Not only to those who are so desperately unheard & unhappy but especially those who are in genuinely & seriously abusive/covert controlling, & dangerous relationships.
I am amazed by the secrets we keep.
How protective so many are....even in the face of such tragic circumstances.

to all of you amazing beautiful people X

@Sametimenextyear thank you so much for your kind words, they are very much appreciated. As a pp said it’s great we’ve got each other but it’s sucks we’re all in the same boat(very badly paraphrased)

Another one here. Two kids , married 10 years, live abroad, joint assets etc etc. None of my family live here, so I'd really be alone if we divorced. Also I could not face only seeing the kids 50% of the time.

No sex for at least a year, it's the last thing I want from him but I fantasise loads about blokes at work. There was an 'ick' thread on here recently and that's what my dh does to me - gives me the ick! He was making a cake today (rare occurrence) and just the way he was scraping the fucking spoon annoyed me.

He's not that bad, not abusive but the love has long gone. There have been a few killer moments in our marriage where he's been such a cunt that I could never ever forgive him. I regret our marriage, the only could thing is my 2 kids.

The only good, not could, thing

@managedmis I know what you mean. There are a few things I don't think I could ever forgive DH for. And the idea of sex, well I'm so sick I have no libido, but ick and I couldn't imagine sex with DH ever happening again. It's been 10 months but I expect at some point that will become a deal breaker for DH and I can't, I just can't. But the kids are so little and the idea of not seeing them every day is so heartbreaking. But in my case I think we're going to reach a point very soon where we can't be in the same house anymore.

@managedmis I completely get what you are saying, I’m only here because of the kids. I told him I wanted to separate a few days ago and he refused. So I’ve got an appointment with a solicitor this week to see exactly what my rights are. Then I will make a plan. I can’t carry on like this. We aren’t speaking, we share dinners as I cook and I’m not going to be that petty (although I’d love to but the kids would see) and we live separate lives. He hates my social group and in fact is absolutely hopeless at socialising. He left the table over Christmas Lunch without excusing himself from our guests (not family) and shirked off to the sitting room to watch tv by himself. He does that all the time, leaves a party without telling me. Friends can not believe it. Anyway I had enough last year and I’ve lived with it for another year and I now know I can’t continue like this. But yes an acknowledgment to a lot of you who have been through so much worse, I’m completely overwhelmed by what you have been through.

Why is it even after a blazing row in front of Dd last night I still feel guilty this morning.
He started being really rude about my family which is nothing new but this time her was lying. I stood up for them but would justify his questions with answers in front of her.
Eventually I walked off. I listened to him lie more from upstairs.
When she came to see me I had to explain he has spent 20 years trying to manipulate situations to the point I very nearly stopped talking to them.

Anyway. Why is it me that wakes thinking how are we here?
What can I do?

Option 1 or 2?

I need that bloody frying pan. Leave it much longer and he will fiddle enough that I truly am screwed.

Someone help

Definitely option 2 @OEJ1979. Definitely. Have you sought legal advice at all? I’m doing that this week. I can’t face another 10 years of this life. It’s such a waste and if it’s toxic now in my house I can’t bear to think how bad it will be in 10 years!

OEJ

I'm not sure why we end up being the ones feeling guilty, trying to fix things.

But I vote 2.

UnMumsnetty hugs.

@JanesKettle because men are inherently useless without women! They need us to survive. (Sweeping generalisation I realise and apologies to those men not in this category!)

Today I feel like absolute crap.

I was petting the dog today, and just randomly thought 'if I were a dog, I'd kick me.' Because how pathetic am I ? 20 years plus with an alkie, and no concrete plan for getting out.

Yeah, I gave H a stern talking to for bringing alcohol into the house, but there was no consequence for him, other than to endure a few minutes of me being firm. It's not enough. He needs to go, I know he needs to go, and I'm stuck here doing sums and can't make them come out so that I can tell him to go.

Sorry that didn’t really make sense. I mean that they stick their heads in the sand and hope problems will go away (my H is exactly this evening after I told him I wanted to separate). We tackle things head on because we aren’t so afraid of the consequences (potentially being on our own) of actually sorting things out. Hope that makes more sense 🤦‍♀️

@JanesKettle have you sought legal advice?

Molly

There's nothing to gain from legal advice. We're not married, but we're in a different country to the UK where de facto partnerships are treated like a marriage. He has no assets - well, a miniscule amount saved for old age, but I have the same.

He just pays the rent and a couple of other bills (with help from his enabling parents). If he left, he would be paying rent elsewhere, would tell me he doesnt have money to pay for two places, and his parents would not help me out (nor should they - they shouldn't be helping him out - it just makes things worse).

I work, and pay for food, bills, and everything for the kids, but I can't afford rent on top of that for my youngest two and myself on my own. I need a better job, but I was out of the workforce for a long time, and am lucky to have the job I have now. I'm only just starting to build up a work history.

I'll probably be able to move out once it's just me. That's still a way away though. But my kids aren't little ones. So that's something.

I'm just angry that I screwed my life up so badly. Dumb, dumb, dumb.

Yes I’ve sought advice. I know I will be able to get a house As we have v good equity.
From his attempt at a post nuptial I know what we have.
Their advice is not to negotiate through him but mediation and do as shuttle mediation. He wants to avoid as he doesn’t want to fill out form e.

It’s more the kids and maintenance is my issue. I think finances will go around 50/50. Maintenance is far too low that he wants to pay. I would never be able to continue the life style he has given to us on it. It would just about cover essentials.
The kids he wants 50/50. On basis of how incompetent he is I’m very reluctant. I think he will move his parents in.

The evil part of me wants to go through that not sign and then file but is it just wasting time?

This morning he is all hugs and kisses. Asking if I look at old photos of holidays ect. I’m mad. I don’t want to bloody hug you!
That’s where I feel guilty. As he makes me remember the good times and makes me feel like I’m the one destroying it.
I just can look after a child for the rest of my life.

@WarmthAndDepth Thank you for your kind words. They meant a lot. :)

Reading your recent post my husband does that too- his MH problems (which have since he found out about my debts become the root cause of them- never mind that he's been like that for more than 10 years) He'll lie upstairs on the bed or on the sofa playing sad songs and get irritated by our incredibly happy 5 year old making noise or just playing and say he can't cope with her. Then he'll suddenly snap out of it but the alternative is him being incredibly moody and starting arguments about the slightest thing. (that are always contradictory) We've argued every day since the 27th two days ago about how I don't do a proper job when I am cleaning. The following day he asked me to stop cleaning as he wanted to talk to me about something. We then had a massive argument that led to him ignoring me and slamming around the house for several hours because I finished wiping the sink, put the spray back in the cupboard and then went through to talk to him. Apparently what I 'should' have done was immediately put down everything and walk through. The difference between the two was 30 seconds. Yet led to a day of unpleasantness.

I'm fucking delighted to go back to work tomorrow. I get back my 8 hours a day away from him.