Support thread-trapped in an unhappy relationship and can’t leave/can’t leave yet

[Idontkowmyname]

I thought I might start a thread to help those of us trapped in unhappy relationships over the stressful Xmas/New Year period. Have a moan, have a rant, debrief and hopefully feel less isolated/alone when it appears everyone else is playing happy families.
Ironically saw something on Facebook which said stop comparing your outtakes to everyone else’s highlight reels which I thought was quite apt given the time of year.

I don't know anyone whose given in at the slightest difficulty. I know women who stayed too long. I know women who are still in marriages they should have left a long time ago. I'm probably one of the later, yet I've clung on and destroyed my health trying to make it work because I believe deeply in those vows I made and because I love my husband. But you can't fix other people, you can try your best to support them in the hope they will realise and seek help, but you can't force them to do so. And at some point if it gets too much and threatens to destroy you or your kids you have to make the painful decision to leave, to protect yourself and your kids.

Yes, sw05, DP (no vows!) is desperately unhappy. Do not try to shame me for expressing myself on a supportive thread. I have already said I feel very guilty. You may not realise it, but comments like the one you made in response to my post are not constructive, and will stifle sharing.
DP is also someone who, despite the patience and support of a loving family, is not able to sustain the kind of emotional resilience required to function healthily in said family. We, his partner and DC, are, while just trying to live normal lives, too much, too intrusive, to triggering for him. Laughing at the dinner table, being spontaneous, bickering, playing musical instruments; not his fault, and not all the time, but we tip-toe around, in case it is a 'sad' day, or something tips the balance. What DP needs is tranquil consistency without the disruption of having to consider other people's needs, a family he can dip in and out of. Many would call this particular dynamic codependency, and point out that all I have been doing while trying to help for close to 20 years is to enable it. And they'd be right. Not his fault or mine, just a really unfortunate set of circumstances for everyone involved.

Thank you, ToBreathe. My last post took a while to compose, so I didn't see your message until I posted mine.
I do love DP, he is an amazing and beautiful person. He has many great features; a great domestic goddess and DIYer, has a great sense of humour and, on a good day, fun and adventure. But his individual needs, and the material reality of the family, of which I must be a champion, are poles apart.
He said the other day that, if money was no object, we should build a 'sad dad annexe', so I know he gets it.

ToBreathAgain that sums it up for me really. Staying too long in a damaging relationship. Even when I was attacked by him just over a year ago I stayed trying to protect the family when any sane person would have walked. The free pass comment really hit home too as at the moment he's better and in his words putting things right. However has brushed aside the last four years saying he wasn't very well. It's just excusing every behaviour and taking no responsibility for it or it's impact on me or the DCs
There really should be simultaneous support offered to the other half as soon as GPs diagnose or when counselling/treatment is given.
When I phoned up to book my own counselling and explained my situation to the lady on the phone she said to me "so you've been his carer over the last years". At that point I sort of woke up, realised that's exactly it and was so appreciative of her recognition that it's all consuming. Packaging up information to be conveyed to him in a way that he'd find acceptable, making the dc behave in a particular way so that he doesn't either sulk, shout and scream, throw a tantrum.
There's only so much I and the dc can and should be expected to take.
Warmth sorry to hear your story. I found hearing everyone's stories on here helpful as I know I'm not alone. Please continue to post.

Hi @WarmthAndDepth
That is such a tough situation and it sounds to me that you are dealing with it far better than I imagine I could. My H is not suffering the severe MH issues that your DP struggles with, but the eggshells regime I can really identify with. It's exhausting for everyone.
Such a difficult path to tread but you are showing kindness and being so dignified. If you separate then your courage and care will see you all through. I wanted my DC to have an environment which was positive and calm and not tainted by anger and strops and his daily meltdowns. He has been better with them since we have been living apart.

I’m sorry my comment offended anyone I guess being in a relationship where I’m fighting to make it work at every opportunity falls on deaf ears and a cold heart is affecting me in a way that makes me feel annoyed at reading some comments. Really sorry to all that I have offended.

@Sw05
Sometimes a cold heart is a form of protection.
I know I come across that way.
Sometimes I'm disappointed in myself because I know how I sound...& act.
But my heart is broken.
I can't give it to him anymore.
I took my marriage vows seriously
but I am. not responsible for another persons actions.
I fought , from day 1 for my marriage.
Its good to fight....but maybe you're only just seeing now, that you have to. Please forgive me if I come across as offensive.
I know for me personally , it was just too little too late.
I was hurt, that for so long, he knew I wasn't okay.
It was only when it directly affected him , that he thought some effort might be required on his part.

@Sametimenextyear I’m relieved to hear words that mirror my feelings.
I took my vows very seriously and never in my life did I think I would be feeling the way I do.
For the most part our marriage was happy and I still daily question if I’m over reacting as he tells me I am. It has flipped from him being the nasty one having the mood swings and never knowing who we get, to me. Not being nasty but cold hearted as you put it. Protecting myself is exactly it. My heart has been totally torn apart by a man that I thought loves me unconditionally. And as much as he says the conditions that caused our issues (weight, sex and family) don’t matter any more there are more.
Signing the post nuptial
Moving back into the bedroom
Being kind and doing things with him.
Going back to his normal.

I don’t believe that the issues can go that quickly.

So he is still totally in control of me as a person while he expects me to continue pampering his every need.

I was due to go out today with my mum. I was made to feel guilty as there was no food in the house. I didn’t go and am sitting in the supermarket car park. Pampering to a man child as another MNetter said.

Marriage should be a team. Yes he went out and earned the money but I gave up all my aspirations for him so we saw each other and I could be there for our children and nurture them into good people.
He has been fun dad. But not a parent. He has taught them to be lazy. So zero as mum will do it. Talk to mum like shit she never answers back. Don’t ask mum tell her.
With him not working it should have been my chance to fulfil some of my dreams. It wasn’t I was to be at his beck and call. Still.

I do wonder if we are now a lost cause. three months of counselling and not once has he walked out believing he needs to work on himself. The only one trying is me. But I remain cold hearted because I can’t cope with more pain.

I read and chat on here a fair bit now and know a lot of you are in much worse situations than me which actually doesn’t help with the over reacting side. Fear is what stops me leaving.
Days like today when I feel so down I wonder what’s the point of trying.

I’ve never been allowed to make a decision and now have the biggest one in my hands....

21 years, I've cried, I've begged, I've pleaded.
Always fell on deaf ears. Or worse, would tell me what I needed to hear, but NO action.
As soon as the words left his mouth...the backsliding began.

I had to buy my own wedding ring, because he wouldn't get a job then.
I worked when I was pregnant with baby 1234&5 because he wouldn't get a job then.
I took the babies to work with me (housecleaning) ,so he could have "head space" , because that was what "he needed".
Everyone.... If they ever knew the truth , would say I'm an idiot.
But I loved him. I believed him. I supported him.
I married him.

He always wanted our beautiful children, & so did I.
But that was it for him....that was all he wanted.
The fact children need to be supported is something that, to this day... Does not enter into his mind.
So who does that then?
Me.... Praise God.
I remember my devastation when he wouldn't get out of bed.
To not get a job to help me, well OK.
But to deprive our babies?
To not lift a finger & work me to death?.

I couldn't afford to buy my baby a 2nd birthday present..... Honestly there was nothing.
That didn't motivate him either.

That baby is 16 now.
I tried....2 decades proves that.

Yesterday my fil tells me " you need to fix this"
Wtf...
That's my cold heart.
A woman who has never told them No.
As long as the picture is pretty & everyone else's needs are met....
Well you can just suck it up.

I'm cold, & ....I was angry.
Not anymore.
I didn't make a mockery of our marriage vows.....hence until last week I was still here.

I was crying tonight, because its sad. I'm sad. For him, for my kids & for me. He sold me a fairytale but what we actually got , was a fractured fable.
I'll not let that manipulative bastard see another one of my tears.

A smile would tell him ,its okay.
I forgive you. We can reconcile, & you can resume your standard practice.

All I have left for this marriage is a bucket of secret tears...
& a cold heart.

Forgive my rant.
Marriage is a covenant.
....it takes two people to make one of those.

@OEJ

I'm sorry....I don't think I'm finished ranting.
What is this bullshit of driving someone so completely insane.... & then going....*well you're insane"....
Pardon my French but fuck....
Do you think?

& what is this bullshit of acting like a single man who just "happens to have a wife & kids"

& why is it that everything will be fine as long as you continue to behave as is instructed & service me & my needs?

How about a fleshy version of Rosie from the Jetsons.
Yes sir, no sir, three bags full......but I'm quite sure they're your bags sir...

. Actually , I just read what I wrote.
I might still be a little bit angry.
On the inside.

I keep being told anger is good @sametime
It again protects you from what they throw at you.
I’m not allowed any form of opinion and now am constantly being set up so he can try and prove he is the good dad and I’m useless.
Belittling me in front of the kids. It helps no one. I have a 13 girl who thinks it’s ok to talk to me like shit. Coping her dad. He is desperately trying to control her and if he is not careful she will rebel completely.

He has had his cake for 20 years. He would say not but at 42 he has never put a load of washing on. Even now just puts the bin outside his room and expects them clean and ironed in return. Every lads holiday he could want he has been on. I was due to go away with my best mate for her 40th. I got such a barrage of verbal abuse I didn’t go. My DH did work and worked hard and had provided an amazing life style for us all.
I’m very concerned about that being destroyed. the kids wanting him as I can guarantee he will still be able to afford it.
Do I have to take my happiness above these things?
Or just get in with it for the sake of the kids?
I’m 40. I pretty sure there are guys out there that do tidy after themselves and help out and have respect for women in general.
He really does think our place is behind the kitchen sink!

I can’t keep having arguments about everything. It’s draining.

Every day I wake up thinking today’s the day I’ll be clear in my head.
Doesn’t happen.

It's so bloody unfair. Years of being treated like a second class citizen and when you stand up and say no more, they are some how the victim.

I did manage to get a few weekends with friends but I would get hundreds of texts and calls. Calls from him where I could here the babies crying in the background or as they were older texts from them about Daddy is being so mean and then comments from him about how he's having zero tolerance with their behaviour. All equals me not enjoying time away and wondering if I should ever go away again. But I'm sure he knew that.

Him having a very flash expensive sportscar that he rented a special parking space, but when I wanted to do a course he suggested that we should do a cost benefit analysis to see what the family would get in return. Needless to say I didn't do that or any other course.

One of my teen dc told him no one liked him the other day at lunch. It was just a stupid throwaway comment not worth overreacting to, but he never knows when to leave it. He went round the table saying to each child "do you like me?" WTAF I mean how old is he?!?

I'm bloody angry too OEJ & Sametime I was going to do flowers but I'd prefer this!!

Just catching up from earlier today... @WarmthAndDepth, wow, what an eloquent post you wrote. You sound amazing trying to hold things together.
You mention depression and anxiety and you are most likely aware of this, but I’m going to say it anyway just in case. His need for order and rituals and the going off sulking when it doesn’t go his way sounds like severe OCD. Sometimes that gets missed and just ‘bundled in’ with anxiety, but the correct medication can make a huge difference! Not sure if that has ever been explored? Might take the edge off enough to make things more liveable for all of you! Sending hugs.

@OEJ1979
@PressToChange
Want to know something funny?!
he doesn't know how to fold up the ironing board.

I'm so moved by everyone's stories, and it is reassuring to know I'm in good company. Thank you for your kind words, Press and Shedding.
SW , sometimes, despite a great deal of effort, the capacity for change is not there. Like ToBreathe said, I don't know anyone who has just given up at the first sign of difficulty. Most women I know who find themselves struggling in challenging relationships have stuck at it for years, decades. At the expense of their DC, their relatives, their friends, their careers. In addition, they have been fiercely loyal and never let on that anything was amiss in their relationships, made excuses for their spouses and shouldered blame and responsibility.
Same , your posts really resonate, I recognise the desperation which makes you do things you never imagined, like bring your babies to work, pleading with one's partner to get out of bed, tell white lies to friends and relatives.
OEJ , you have mentioned a few times that you wonder if you're overreacting, or are being in some way unreasonable. Please don't think you are

@Sametimenextyear @OEJ1979 @PressToChange did our partners all beam themselves down from the Planet self-absorbed *rse? I can't tell you how many times I asked for just a little bit of give. But it never came. And so it is over after 20 years.
@Sw05 I understand. Hang in there and try to get your DP to engage if you can. You sound like you still want things to come good.

Oh believe me I want nothing more than to make my wife happy, I’d give her my last breath. I’ve never loved anyone nor would I do as much for anyone as I do and would for my wife. We can be a brilliant couple and when we were close it was the best feeling ever and I felt so strong and proud but feeling rejected and at times not loved does knock the stuffing out of you. It’s not like I don’t do things for my wife and I do as much around the house and bring her a cuppa before I leave for work in the morning or put the electric blanket on so the bed is warm when she get in it. I cook and do the ironing and the washing (yes I know how a washing machine works) she says she loves me and wants the Marridge to work but it’s just words and I don’t feel anymore from her lately.

@Sw05 would you consider marriage counselling?

Same that's so funny. Mine would be able to fold the ironing board but would feel compelled to tell me how to do it properly and demonstrate how much better he could do it than me. Although that would be it then, he wouldn't feel like he would need to touch it again...!?!

I think you're right shedding definitely from some strange planet. Planet Right! We've just been out for dinner and he's just told my teenage ds how to eat his meal and in what combination. Eg why did you eat that first. Surely you should try x with y?
Oh my goodness. Finding a bit of laughter in all of this. Thank you !!

Yes I have said we should go to Marridge counselling

@Sametimenextyear @PressToChange @Sheddingskins

The really are. Mine can get the ironing board out (only as I’ve started to refuse when he screams I need that shirt) but it is comical. And he is so health and safety conscious I’m surprised he doesn’t wear a full fire proof vest. He never ever puts it away though.

He treats both kids like they are 4 still. DD today got an earful as she has done little over the holidays. She is now to read for 10 min a day which I agree with but out loud to dad. Nothing like making a dyslexic child feel even more stupid. Telling her she can read properly and need his guidance. He then turned on me when I didn’t back that up.

@WarmthAndDepth. Thank you. I don’t think I’ll ever stop feeling that until it’s all over. Which ever way it goes. When your 13yr old tells you that you have two personalities, one tense angry and snappy when dads around the other more chilled and fun when he isn’t you know there really is a problem.

She also admitted she finds him weird. He goes mad to her as she says no. He invaded her space. In her bedroom (admitted he has had a nap on her bed while at sch) wants constant kisses and cuddles. Yell when he doesn’t get. Shoves his bare chest in her face. I know nothing harmful is meant. Y it but it is weird. I now have to tell him to put some clothes on when her mates come round as he waltzes round in his dressing gown. Not right with girls walking about.

Their own strange planet.

I feel some comfort reading these messages and knowing I am not alone (although not happy others have spent the holidays suffering too) I just cant keep pretending things are ok. I worked so hard to make Christmas nice and he ruined the whole week with his mood. I think its probably just a bad patch not really the end but right now I feel completely empty.

Its madness isn't it.
Such a heavy heart.
Part of me feels better, part of me is so sad.
Could I have done more ?
What if he's really turning over a new leaf?
My house is so empty. Its gone from a family of 7 to just the 3 of us....till eldest D's gets back from his holiday.
Was I unreasonable with what I needed from him?
The not working was a huge deal breaker for me.
There were so many other things though too.
He wouldn't walk down the street with me.
He wouldn't walk anywhere with me.
He'd shoot off ahead & leave me for dead, wouldn't even look back to see if I was still there.
Never had my back with his family.
Always chose what was best for other people.... Even strangers needs were above mine.
Why am I feeling so sad & guilty.
He'd tell me every day that he loved me & that I was beautiful..... But why treat me like I don't matter?
His words said he did. But his actions were so hurtful.
Are they the actions of someone completely oblivious? Or is what I'm reading about abusive/narcissistic relationships closer to the mark.
I stopped asking why....I don't know why all of this is washing over me now.
So many lies.
I'm not sure...I think maybe he did love me ....albeit selfishly.
Another part of me wonders whether he just saw me as a mark.
If he was rude it'd be so clear, its the charming air that still confuses me.
It's stupid, I think I need someone to shake me.
I'm not wrong am I ? These things aren't good are they?
There's bad relationships, but would these things be deemed abusive?

@Sametimenextyear I really do struggle to accept the a shove side also. Parts of our Dh sound similar parts very different. He would always hold my had but that’s because I was his possession. I was beautiful until I put weight on and again once I lost it.
I wonder if you have to remove the word abuse and just think I don’t like the way I was treated. He’s done it for years and that’s it. You will long term be happier just keep saying that to yourself.
Because I never picked up on anything for the majority of our marriage I really struggle with saying he abused me. If you met him you wld think he was lovely.
You say about not having your back with family. He would say the other way for him. I had got to the point I wasn’t going to speak to my mum or sister again because he told me how awful they were. Yes I’ve moaned about them but I now realise that all cane from him. So when I eventually told him to sort the problem out himself and stop putting me in the middle thing erupted more. He hasn’t succeeded isolating me from them and couldn’t cope.
They are his worst kind of women. Strong confident hard working and not a stick!

So long and short of my message. Maybe don’t worry on the abuse word. Think on how you feel. That’s what matters more. Feelings can’t be denied. Believe those and you know you’ve done right xx