Urgh. Feeling frustrated and trapped. DP's MH is incompatible with family life. He was always prone to anxiety and depression, but since the DC he's definitely been not waving but drowning. His anxiety subtly defines our lives, despite therapy and medication; it's never not a factor in pretty much everything we do. I feel so guilty for wanting out. But I can see it so clearly.
I have just come back from taking the DC across the country to see his parents, as he couldn't face going and it's been quite a while. He was really looking forward to time alone after feeling overwhelmed by us all being at home over Christmas. Yet while we were gone, he was anxious and nervous at home alone. I decided to come home a day early (always scared he might do something stupid after a serious attempt some years ago), and he was thrilled to bits when we got back, for all of 15 minutes, when the DCs' excited prattling on about their trip became overwhelming and he sloped off to curl up in a dark room.
Stuff, which for me, is complete 'non-things' are really important to him, such as the order in which dishes are dried and put away, or jars organised in the fridge, and if he sees me flout his 'preferences' there'll be a sort of crushed whimper and he'll pad upstairs to bed without a word, irrespective of plans we may have made or timescales to keep. I rarely plan anything in advance as don't know how he'll be, and only invite friends or DC's friends over when he's at work, as I imagine it's just too weird for many people. He doesn't get it, saying he isn't 'doing' anything, but can't see that, for most people, an adult who is breaking all social conventions by not responding to polite conversation or leaving the room mid-sentence, is disconcerting.
There's no telling 100% if it's going to be a good or bad day, or when a breaking point is approaching until it's too late. He'll have days and weeks of managing to participate in family life in a relaxed way (although much of this will be due to me strategising to keep stressful situations to a minimum) only to crumple irrevocably into overwhelm, leaving me feeling massively guilty, like I could have prevented it somehow. This is how I got into difficulty during maternity leave, as indicated upthread in response to Karigan 's post; I just couldn't face asking for us to sort out the money as he would go into a terrified tailspin about it and collapse, leaving me to manage even more on my own. So best to just suck it up. All the time.
When we have conversations about the future I want to pull my hair out; he will acknowledge that his MH is placing a huge strain on our relationship and on our family life. Eggshells, etc. In the past, we explored the idea of counselling, and spent ages trying to find someone with the prerequisite experience, only for him to decide none were quite right (massive trust issues and lots of experience of therapy, so feels 'qualified' to sort wheat from chaff), including one counsellor whom he met preliminary and decided to write off after said counsellor revealed a 'bias' when suggesting life might be hard for me. We have indefinitely parked counselling, but he will occasionally say stuff like "Well, I still think we lost our chance when we decided not to pursue counselling." Aaargh, that wasn't my decision, I gave up in the face of his obstructions.
Since I have been gently suggesting that, on balance, we might be able to live more happily separately, citing that the DC are becoming old enough to notice him slinking off to his room, or creeping out of the house without saying goodbye, or becoming disengaged and unresponsive or just sitting staring into space with tears in his eyes, and that this is really worrying for them, because they don't know whether it was something they did that caused it, he concedes that this is true, but finds it impossible to engage with me in a meaningful conversation about how to practically bring this about, doing the whole 'shame to break up the family' thing. I try to convey that the family is nothing if those in it are not happy and relaxed, but he has a big blind spot around this, saying we should be grateful for what we have, which of course has some merit, but again, none of our modest accomplishments are worth anything if we are not able to live and express ourselves freely without worrying about being 'too much' all the time.
I really think he would struggle so much if we were to separate, but I know I am at capacity for keeping our lives on an even keel. I feel like such a cow, but must champion the DC. Although, would I say that if he had cancer, or some other physically debilitating ailment? My mind is perpetually turning circles. Exhausting.