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Original poster

SIL and her Dog hijack Christmas

262 replies

Ventatron · 17/12/2019 09:20

Okay this is partly a vent, but also a 'what the hell do I do next'? question. Xmas Confused

My SIL is single, and childless and doesn't have any close friends. Last year she decided to buy a retriever puppy which as you can imagine, means the world to her. She brought it with her to stay over last Christmas. It was about 6 months old when it came and understandably, very puppy like, but my SIL imposed all these rules on us, in our own house about what we could and couldn't do - because of the puppy. We had to talk quietly, kids mustn't run, nobody was allowed to eat chocolate in case the dog got it, toys must be off the floor, we weren't allowed to sit on the floor because we must remain 'above the dog - all this at Christmas. She also wanted to sleep in the living room on the sofa with the dog because the dog doesn't 'do' stairs and when the kids came in a 6am to open presents she put the blanket over her head and asked when we would be finished.
Now the dog is twice the size and if you sit down on the couch, he sticks his nose in your face, and as she doesn't put him in his bed or wherever while we eat dinner he breathes on you while you're eating. He's always under foot, always restless and bored - poor thing - and he has a very loud and unpredictable bark. So this year, I said, if the dog comes to Christmas, it has to stay in the hall, knowing the would mean she would not stay the night - and I think that's best too - the dog doesn't want to be here and we don't want him here. The feeling is mutual. It's only her who wants to bring him. But this has unleashed a huge problem. We've had calls from relatives, 'why isn't SIL allowed to come to Christmas?' We confirm she is, but the dog has to stay in the hall. We say we're going dog free due to hair and mess etc (the easy answer) .… 'but your neighbour was allowed in with his dog!' And he was and the reason is simple, when his (smaller) dog comes over, he has a fuss and then sleeps in the corner. He's no trouble.

So yes, the issue is two fold, it's about being made uncomfortable by the dog AND about her ordering us around in our own home. The kids are also not huge fans of the dog as they are both under four and have cried at his barking.

But SIL has made such a big deal out of this that my husband wants me to just 'get over it' but he's not the one hostessing and cooking and 'doing' Christmas.

So the idea of her not coming for Christmas was - well - okay with me. But now she says, she is coming to Christmas, without he dog, and that she won't speak to me while she's here. 'Okay, then I won't make her any Christmas dinner'. was my reply but my husband's shoulders went up to his ears. He is so stressed now, I don't want to make it worst. Any advice?

OP posts:
DingDongSchadenfreudeOnHigh · 18/12/2019 19:06

If she doesn't speak to you, fine - it shows what a silly cow she is and you won't have to put up with her talking to you.

Cook her a dinner by all means, but don't plate it up for her until she asks you (politely)- make her speak to you.

Then graciously give her a meal.

SunshineCake · 18/12/2019 19:13

I felt so sad reading your OP as my retriever was almost six months for her first Christmas and it couldn't have been a more different situation. That poor dog needs better training and interaction. Leaving him in the hall way is downright cruel by everyone. Retrievers need and want company. Not shoved in a hall way where they can hear family but not see anyone Sad.

As for her coming but refusing to talk to you. Is she a child ? Hmm

FaveNumberIs2 · 18/12/2019 19:16

Don’t do Christmas.

Don’t invite anyone.

Or tell dh that you and the kids are having Christmas out of the house for the day and he can deal with his sister.

There’s no way I’d have a dog in my house. Well, we have a cat anyway, but the point is it’s YOUR house and YOU need to feel comfortable in it.

And stand up to other family members sticking their fat noses in. It’s got fuck all to do with them.

DingDongSchadenfreudeOnHigh · 18/12/2019 19:18

Those who quote "Blood is thicker than water" should learn the next line "But none as thick as the bonds of friendship"

The full quotation is "The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb." and as the above poster has said actually means the opposite of what people assume.

SunshineCake · 18/12/2019 19:18

Retrievers are NOT dim Angry.

NorthernLightsInWinter · 18/12/2019 19:22

WTF did I just read?

Sit your DH down and tell him to partner up and tell his sister her dog is not welcome in your home, end of. And if she is coming to Christmas, she will be polite and respectful and speaking to everyone who is in your home for the holidays, of not to come. Ditto for anyone else who complains about the unwillingness to host other people's spoiled pets. THey can stay home if they're unhappy about it. You're not cleaning, shopping and cooking for ungrateful entitled arseholes.

And as for that, tell your DH, he will be pulling his weight at Christmas to host his family. He will be cleaning and doing his share. Not 'helping' you host. Doing his fucking share. Including backing you against his ridiculous sister and his unreasonable family who are pussyfooting around her.

Mlou32 · 18/12/2019 19:28

You'll just have to be honest with her and others as she's trying to make out that you're done kind of bad guy clearly. Say that it isn't the dog coming that's the problem, it's the fact that she imposed so many rules on you last year, in your own house no less, that impacted on you and your childrens Christmas. Perhaps the dog would be welcome if she was advised that the dog could come but without the rules. It comes and deals with the house the way it is.

adviceneededon · 18/12/2019 19:29

I have dogs and I go to my mums on Christmas Day. Originally I had one who wasn't an ounce of trouble, everyone loved him. But then I got another, thinking they would get along and they'd have the same temperament...but I was wrong. He literally eats anything and everything. So last Christmas my mum set some ground rules. Yes they could come, but that they would have to stay in the hallway, caged on an evening. I completely respected that. It was either respect it, or stay at home with the dogs. And it'll be the same this year, although he's chilled out a bit now, she still expects him to be caged on a night. Your SIL is out of order.

adviceneededon · 18/12/2019 19:31

I meant to say stayed in hallway whilst eating. They were free to go in the lounge and garden once we had finished lunch.

mbosnz · 18/12/2019 19:36

If you come to my house, to share and enjoy my Christmas, you will be polite, and you will be appreciative. You will abide by my rules. If you can't deal with that, don't come.

And if your DH appreciates your hard work and hostessing, facilitating him playing the big family I Am so little that he will not take up the cudgels on your behalf, then he can bloody well fuck off too, quite frankly.

CatInTheDaytime · 18/12/2019 19:39

Omg what a silly cow! i couldn’t believe it when you said your kids are under 4 and they weren’t allowed to sit on the floor! And the not speaking to you, I think I’d just laugh in her face honestly. I couldn’t slave away and cook for someone who’s right in the process of acting out a petty vendetta against me. FFS. I’m exasperated with her and I’ve never met her :o

I’d tell DH no, you’re not cooking for her after all this shit. He can take over and do it himself while you relax (away from her majesty) - or he can go and spend it at hers - or she can just fuck off. And no dog whatever happens as it can’t behave.

pinkmagic1 · 18/12/2019 19:42

I feel your pain op. My sister has 2 dogs who are totally untrained and jump up on the furniture, try to snatch food and lick your face. My dh is also genuinely frightened of dogs.
To my sister these dogs are her babies and anyone that says anything against them, including about their training, or lack of it they get shouted down.
I am an animal lover and have even worked with dogs in the past, but I have banned them from my home as my dh's feeling come first and also because of their behaviour. It has caused issues before, but I have made my stance clear and she is coming for dinner this year and leaving them at home.
Be firm and don't compromise. If you keep It in the hall whilst eating, it will more than bark icestantly. Better she just comes over for dinner only and leaves the dog at home for a couple of hours. If she refuses to speak to you I would ask her to leave.

mummyway · 18/12/2019 19:45

Stick to your guns. If she is coming with the intention of disrespecting you in your own home and choosing not to talk to you but will at your food.... Well say no thank you. Your not someone's servant. You are a person, and you said dog can stay in hall. What is her problem. Does no o e care that the dog upsets the children.
Tell her if she won't speak to you then very rightly you won't cook for her. She can bring her own dinner if she insists on turning up

FurrySlipperBoots · 18/12/2019 19:46

I haven't read the full thread because it''s 9 pages long and I don't have time for that! If you're prepared to compromise though, how about a super long walk (at least an hour with lots of ball throwing) followed by shutting him a borrowed crate in the hall with a kong stuffed with frozen peanut butter, or a bone? SIL can stay to dinner then but need to leave after to take the dog home so even if she's in a mood it won't last all evening. Maybe sweeten her with a cheapo dog toy? You can wrap it up and give it to the dog to open - they love that! Hopefully that'll cheer your SIL up so there won't be an atmosphere.

frillyfarmer · 18/12/2019 19:46

For everyone sympathising with the dog - yes absolutely but that is not OPs fault. I have two working retrievers and they are absolutely marvellous beings (much nicer than most people IMO) but I'm not stupid enough to think that is an opinion shared by anyone else outside my household.

Your SIL is just beyond rude to inflict her dog on you all under such terms at Christmas and honestly she sounds like a carbon copy of my SIL, who tried to insist our dogs were kenneled outside for Xmas day so her toy dogs felt safe. (The answer to the problem was that she was told she either come alone or didn't come - the latter is always preferable with me!)

I think you've got a DH problem though - he's choosing pandering to his sister over his family's needs. There is no reason your children shouldn't get on perfectly with the dog, but a chaotic Christmas morning isn't really the place to train any of them!

Given that your husband appears to be completely spineless I would absolutely have it out with your SIL and tell her to grow the fuck up.

Doilooklikeatourist · 18/12/2019 19:47

I really don’t Ike dogs and would not allow one in my house

Your SIL is being a spoilt brat , and your DH needs to tell her that her rudeness towards you will not be allowed

So , she can come for Christmas, without the dog , and she will behave in a civilised and polite manner , or she can do what she likes with the dog

Or , he can go to her place , follow the rules with the dog .. and you’ll have a lovely day at home with the children , who are , after all the priority

Smileyk · 18/12/2019 19:55

How will she accept food and drinks if you offer then and she won't talk to you?

I'd offer smd if no response say "ok you dont want a drink / food / present" and move on.

CallMeOnMyCell · 18/12/2019 19:55

Huge sympathy OP as I had a similar situation with my MIL.
I told my DP to tell her that she is always welcome to visit but the dog isn’t.
It caused some tension at first but I’ve stood my ground despite loads of requests for me to change my mind.

angelfacecuti75 · 18/12/2019 19:57

The problem is not with the dog ....its that the dog is spoilt, probably a lively breed and has been allowed to rule the roost in ur sil house. I think maybe you say " well we don't mind you coming , but maybe it's best if you leave the dog at home or come just for dinner and the present opening and go back. The dog gets bored. We don't like it when he's round us at the dinner table, he barks and scares the kids. We appreciate that he is your baby and you love him , we really do. But our kids are our babies , our home is our home and though you are welcome to visit, the dog gets restless and bored and is used to being spoilt by you , which is fair enough in your own house. But our kids come first , we find it unhygienic to have a dog around the table expecting food .. and we will not spoil him like you do. I'm sorry. I understand that you love your pet and we don't want to diminish that...but obviously he's your pet not ours..."

BumbleBeee69 · 18/12/2019 19:58

You are an IDIOT for allowing this Fiasco last year...

You are an IDIOT for allowing this Fiasco THIS year....

Tell get to GTF... the end..

LunaTheCat · 18/12/2019 20:10

God, the poor dog. The sister in law sound bonkers . Imagine having a human like that.

BillHadersNewWife · 18/12/2019 20:10

My SIL used to say "Don't say that in front of the dog!"

I was SO annoyed by her and her stupid dog. I LOVE dogs too.

mbosnz · 18/12/2019 20:14

I remember my SIL clicking her fingers and whistling at me for a refill of her drink at Christmas. My DH and BIL (her brother, not her husband) physically ducked when I came into the kitchen, incandescent, and thought I'd kick off with her. I didn't, because I wasn't going to ruin Christmas for everyone. But you've got advance warning. Give her advance warning as to what consequences will be for her actions. And your DH.

girlygirl98 · 18/12/2019 20:16

She sounds like a piece of work. I would stand your ground. I would call her and say ‘I’ve heard you’re upset about... my reasons for not wanting the dog are... I hope you will still come and we can have a chat’

Stormishborn · 18/12/2019 20:28

Agree with many posters above. If she is so rude as to say she won't talk to you, then she's not welcome to come for Christmas, the silly child! I love dogs, but wouldn't want to be dictated to in my home by one.