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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I feel like he has cheated

760 replies

Loveontherocks100 · 16/12/2019 10:45

Please bear with me because this is quite long, and probably seems very stupid, but I really really can’t get over my husband lying to me/convince myself he didn’t have at best an emotional or worst a physical affair. Let me preface this by saying he works VERY long hours 8-10pm average so always at work. We have 1 baby and 1 on the way.

3 years ago he told me a (young, pretty) colleague at work (we are now 30 for context), had baked him a cake especially for him as he was moving Desk. He was teasing me that she fancied him. I thought this was quite inappropriate of her/an overreaction to a colleague (he’s her direct boss) so asked him to just shut it down. He said he did.

A year later I found an exchange of emails BY ACCIDENT (which I posted about at the time) where she asked if he was coming for drinks and he effectively said he was very sad he couldn’t because I was pregnant. Poor him. She replied “no risk no fun” and there was a great deal of winky emojis and all fairly inappropriate. Given the cake incident I was displeased and said I wanted him to stop indulging in flirting with a colleague he had said fancied him. A few months later he said she left the team for another one.

9 months later I basically find out (not from him) that she has been working for him all along. They sit near each other. He has repeatedly lied to me about it. He has been going for drinks with her and (supposedly) other colleagues. Going to nightclubs with her (and other colleagues) and lying about it whilst I’m at home with our baby.

It’s been months since I find this out and I just can’t get over it. It probably seems so small and stupid but I had to DRAG the information out of him with irrefutable proof. He just denied denied denied then said “oh I didn’t remember” blah blah blah and now I am just convinced in my mind they must have slept together at least once or kissed or flirted.

I don’t understand why else the flirting emails, the cake, the lies!?!

Am I insane?

OP posts:
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Original poster
Loveontherocks100 · 17/12/2019 07:16

Also re the scan:

The baby is in my body. Is MY baby right now. I have total autonomy over the baby and iI’ll report back to him the results as his right but I don’t see why he needs to be there and ruin it for me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Loveontherocks100 · 17/12/2019 07:20

I don’t know how anyone thinks him saying “I can’t come to drinks due to impending fatherhood 😢😢😢” and her saying “no risk no fun 😌” is appropriate banter.

Also the comment about me staying at home making me unattractive?!

OP posts:
fizzandchips · 17/12/2019 07:21

You bravely changed the narrative of your relationship last night.

“I didn’t think you’d really do it!”

Write this on a post it and look at it often! That was his opinion of you; that he could do whatever suited him (including going out when he should have been home with you and your poorly son) and he didn’t think you had the balls to rock the boat!

This doesn’t have to be the end of the marriage, but it needs to be the start of a different marriage where you state your needs and expect them to be met.
You have also gained another helpful insight; he really doesn’t like your friends knowing he’s not perfect.

Original poster
Loveontherocks100 · 17/12/2019 07:25

This doesn’t have to be the end of the marriage, but it needs to be the start of a different marriage where you state your needs and expect them to be met

This is just it! Yes!

OP posts:
xJune88 · 17/12/2019 07:56

Whether hes cheated or not hes lied to you numerous times and you are pregnant I don't think you're over reacting at all. Maybe a tadge when you wouldn't let him in but he didnt even argue or put up a fight for his pregnant partner I'd be furious. Dont blame you for wanting to go to the scan on your own. Take care of yourself xx

Sadiesnakes · 17/12/2019 08:14

Stay strong op.

Whether you stay in this marriage or not is totally down to you, there's no doubt if you do, the next few years will be tough as he'll have a lot of work to do with regaining trust, believe me it's probably one of the hardest things to get back once it's gone. And realistically it may never come back. But you've made a good start. He needs to feel what he's loosing to truly make any changes, it's the only way.

Ignore all the YABU's. Anyone with half a brain cell can identify his appalling behaviour, which was most on here.

You are not wrong. He is. Simple as that, so no need to convince anyone anything.

Capricornandproud · 17/12/2019 09:00

joanbonjovi my God, you get on my tits.

Itsnearlymorning I am so sorry for the troubles you’ve had in your life. Bless you. If it’s any consolation you’ve just made me almost have an epiphany about my own life and relationship this morning with a man who isn’t sure what he wants. I’ve put up with it for 20 years on and off and I am now suffering strange health symptoms that I can’t add up. This last few weeks I think it may all be down to the stress of wanting to believe a lying piece of shit.

Op... I admire you so so much. All you want is them coming home desperately wanting you and to make sure you’re ok. I would have really struggled in the face of that and especially pregnant!!

Best of luck with the scan today. You do whats best for you but I know I’d be planning and siphoning off the cashbacks from my weekly shop to save in a secret fuck-off-fund for after the baby’s born.

Let us know how you and your little bean get on today xx

ItsNearlyMorning · 17/12/2019 09:02

Jesus some of you are nasty for the sake of it and some of you are just daft if you think his behaviour is ok.
The op has every right to be upset and do whatever she needs to do to get herself back in a good place.
So much for women standing together.
Telling her she will be unattractive if she doesn't work?
What planet are you on ?
She's bringing up her children , her husbands children.
If he doesn't appreciate that he's a massive twat.
Nothing wrong with looking after the kids when they are little.
In an ideal world more mums would love that chance.
It's a commendable thing to do.
She's given up her life and dedicated it to her DH and DC.
It's not a sign of weakness and he should appreciate that!

Littlegoth · 17/12/2019 09:14

Good luck today x

MoStew18 · 17/12/2019 09:15

Good luck for your scan OP
Hopefully seeing your gorgeous happy little baby bouncing around should at least make you feel a little happier today!
Thinking of you x

BeyondFlubeInclusionaryRF · 17/12/2019 09:24

Love, huge ovaries on you for sticking to your word last night when it would have been so easy to back down. Well done!!! 🏆

Hope everything goes well for your scan today

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 17/12/2019 09:45

Hope the scan goes well today OP

Puzzledandpissedoff · 17/12/2019 09:47

Just a small thought, but let's remember that we don't know what's going on in the lives of the apologists or what thoughts are influencing them. Shamefully, I'd probably have done the same myself at one time because I was trying to rationalise what was happening in my own relationship; I couldn't face the facts myself, so found it difficult that others could

Fortunately OP's a lot wiser than I was and I'm pretty confident she'll find the right way through this. There's nothing she has to justify and no long term decisions which have to be made instantly - all she neeeds is to hang on to her own integrity through this, and she's clearly very capable of doing exactly that

BrowncoatWaffles · 17/12/2019 09:48

Good luck with your scan today Rocks.

DanielBlack · 17/12/2019 09:57

I can tell you that's just how it's gonna go on. What to do is up to you, but I wouldn't live with someone you doubt. Especially if he doesn't want to discuss the problem, and for you this problem means he has something to hide.

Blindspot82 · 17/12/2019 10:01

He took her to a private member’s nightclub? And supposedly nothing happened? She fancied the fucking pants off him and they ended up at a private nightclub together? Come on people! Wake up and smell the pheromones. He cheated his arse off. Get rid.

Janus · 17/12/2019 10:34

JoanBonJovi What a bloody ridiculous and nasty comment. There’s plenty of us that stay at home, manage to still be attractive and have a husband who appreciates all we do. There’s plenty that go to work, manage to still be attractive and have a husband who appreciates all we do. Just need a decent husband really.

Original poster
Loveontherocks100 · 17/12/2019 11:56

So when he came to pick up his back it wasn’t ready. Why? Because this was the ONE day my son decided to sleep until 7am! So I just let him in to do it and went back to bed, then I ended up talking to him as he was still around trying to be helpful.

He is adamant nothing happened. He said this is all a “nothing” - not his lies etc he sees why I am upset; but they there is nothing at the end of the lies. No affair; it’s all stupidly cowardly avoiding confrontation with people and path of least resistance.

The problem is I am so angry. When I imagine I blindly thought this issue was over and the whole time they were talking together and socialising and my mind conjure up the “no risk no fun” tone in a bar and it doesn’t look good.

BUT I am letting him come to the scan. Only because he said he wouldn’t and would just be in the vicinity of the hospital to get a coffee in case something went wrong and I needed him. So I felt he was respecting me and he could come. But.... I am picking him up from his office. I know it’s mental and childish I just want to meet her/ maybe make a little comment with a smile “ah you’re the one who thought no risk no fun was appropriate” or something. I don’t know. I am so confused.

I really appreciate all the support. Honestly thank you, it’s overwhelming.

OP posts:
Sadiesnakes · 17/12/2019 12:00

Bloody fucking men😡

Original poster
Loveontherocks100 · 17/12/2019 12:05

*bag

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 17/12/2019 12:19

The denials are only to be expected, but if I may ask a question, why would a successful, well paid professional who's presumably used to challenging decisions need to take "the path of least resistance" when it comes to his wife? Even of he claims to have "enough of hard choices and just wants an easy life at home", doesn't that say something about how he values you?

Personally I wouldn't go anywhere near his office as it offers too much chance for him to play the fought-over prize - something which, with his mindset, he'll probably enjoy. However that has to be your decision, but while he's now attending the scan I'd definitely keep him away from the house at least for now, not least to avoid being steamrollered

FizzyGreenWater · 17/12/2019 12:22

BUT I am letting him come to the scan. Only because he said he wouldn’t and would just be in the vicinity of the hospital to get a coffee in case something went wrong and I needed him. So I felt he was respecting me and he could come.

Ok here is my take on this bit, because I feel quite angry for you here.

This is a very clever, clearly dishonest and clearly very manipulative man who knows you well and knows how to 'handle' you Angry and I think this is a very good example of this happening.

So you shocked him last night. He knows he pushed it too far so he's backed off. He will have been thinking quite hard last night on how to get the upper hand again. So here he is the next morning. All respectful. All 'giving you space'. Exactly what you've been clear you expect from him in the past (but he's chosen not to give it, he didn't think he needed to then). Now he sees he's going to have to if he wants to get his way (which is to come to the scan, of course). He KNOWS that you will feel awkward and bad about not wanting him there. So he backs off, says exactly what you want to hear, and you do exactly what he knows you will - relents. Great! Done and dusted. Pick me up at 12 then love? Last night's already getting filed away as 'Gawd remember the time she actually locked me out? Hah that was a shocker.' Oh and nothing happened with her, ok I see why you're upset about lying but... (The usual. NO WAY is he going to admit anything, ever.)

That's my take.

Here's what I'd do. I'd text and say 'Actually on second thought your first idea is best. I really think I would prefer to not have you at the scan so if you just come to the hospital that's fine.'

Oof. Fuck. She's not back in her box at all.

I would very very much like to see what his response to that would be. 'Ok, that's fine, it's up to you'? Or (because his aim this morning with backing off was to come to that scan, nothing else!) - will you have a little bit of manipulation, a sad face, or a downright annoyed 'I really don't see why this has to be like this'

If you get the latter, you'll know for a fact that he was playing you like a violin this morning with his fucking 'respect' for you.

BeyondFlubeInclusionaryRF · 17/12/2019 12:26

I agree with fizzy sadly. I hope he's not a manipulative so and so, but having lived with one - that's exactly what they would do :(

Original poster
Loveontherocks100 · 17/12/2019 12:30

This is a very clever, clearly dishonest and clearly very manipulative man who knows you well and knows how to 'handle' you

this really, really, really hit me hard.

He has often joked about our marriage being successful because he’s great at “managing” me.

OP posts:
BeyondFlubeInclusionaryRF · 17/12/2019 12:43

That says a lot, love :(