I feel like he has cheated

[Loveontherocks100]

Please bear with me because this is quite long, and probably seems very stupid, but I really really can’t get over my husband lying to me/convince myself he didn’t have at best an emotional or worst a physical affair. Let me preface this by saying he works VERY long hours 8-10pm average so always at work. We have 1 baby and 1 on the way.

3 years ago he told me a (young, pretty) colleague at work (we are now 30 for context), had baked him a cake especially for him as he was moving Desk. He was teasing me that she fancied him. I thought this was quite inappropriate of her/an overreaction to a colleague (he’s her direct boss) so asked him to just shut it down. He said he did.

A year later I found an exchange of emails BY ACCIDENT (which I posted about at the time) where she asked if he was coming for drinks and he effectively said he was very sad he couldn’t because I was pregnant. Poor him. She replied “no risk no fun” and there was a great deal of winky emojis and all fairly inappropriate. Given the cake incident I was displeased and said I wanted him to stop indulging in flirting with a colleague he had said fancied him. A few months later he said she left the team for another one.

9 months later I basically find out (not from him) that she has been working for him all along. They sit near each other. He has repeatedly lied to me about it. He has been going for drinks with her and (supposedly) other colleagues. Going to nightclubs with her (and other colleagues) and lying about it whilst I’m at home with our baby.

It’s been months since I find this out and I just can’t get over it. It probably seems so small and stupid but I had to DRAG the information out of him with irrefutable proof. He just denied denied denied then said “oh I didn’t remember” blah blah blah and now I am just convinced in my mind they must have slept together at least once or kissed or flirted.

I don’t understand why else the flirting emails, the cake, the lies!?!

Am I insane?

I have no idea what your man is up to but I'm sorry to hear about your situation... I just broke it off with my partner and we have a child together and it sucks so much... I hope your man grows some balls and tells you what's been going on and you can make a sound decision. Why would he be lying if he's got nothing to hide? Bitter as I am right now I think most men are cowardly little pricks.... Well done standing your ground.

I just want to say, and I think I speak for everyone when saying this, but I completely admire your strength!

He said he didn’t think I would really do this

I'm sure he didn't, but among the heartbreak I'm equally sure you know you've done exactly the right thing - and by heck you've done it so well

All the very best for the scan tomorrow, and for further discussions with this idiot of a man

I can't actually believe some people are ok with op's dh behaviour.. Like what happened in your life that set your bar so low?

OP - I think you are massively overreacting and misreading the situation.
Offices often have banter and flirting. And people feeling attracted to other people happens. It’s human nature.
Ok, she made him a cake. She didn’t jump out of that cake in her underwear and draped herself over him.
And it was several years ago.
Her ‘crush’ on him was several years ago. And no sane young and pretty woman would pine for a man this long.
You seem to be convinced that your H is such a prize that this woman is there waiting and hoping to seduce him and take him away.
This part of the story seems far fetched and you seem to be very fixated on it.
I do wonder if pregnancy hormones have something to do with it.

The way you are reacting and seeing what you want to see in every detail - I can understand why your H chose the path of least resistance and didn’t mention anything about this woman around you. It’s cowardly - but he just wanted to have peace and not arguments.

Anyway - I don’t know how this would possibly resolve. You convinced yourself of something that keeps snowballing in your head. Not sure how you can get out of that - because you won’t believe anything at this point.
Sadly - it’s highly likely that nothing actually went on - beyond that woman being a little inappropriate and your H shielding it to avoid arguments.
But the way you are now - you are on track to break up a family over this. It’s like watching train crash in slow motion.

As a side note - it’s illegal to lock him out of joint property.

If he’s so innocent in some posters eyes why aren’t his messages sad, upset, worried?

He’s not sending her texts saying he’s gutted she has lost trust in him. He’s not said he is shocked she could think this of him. He’s not said he’s sad this is happening and will do anything he can to rebuild with her.

He just expects to come home and go to bed as normal!

I have to say I agree with the above posters who say you are overreacting. I did cringe a bit when you wouldn’t let him in. Yes he lied, but probably because he knew you would react like you have.

He’s NOT in the right, but in my (useless, unimportant) opinion, it’s not something you should break your family up for, and I do think you should have let him in. You have no proof he has cheated. He’s lied, yes, about, in the grand scheme of things, pretty minor things.

I also think you should consider carefully your decision not to allow him to attend the scan. That’s really hurtful.

You can both fix this situation.

@Josuk course you do🙄

Back again with with the male apologists?

Can the people who feel op IBU can you please note how seriously you are in the minority? And what does that tell you?

Sadie - how is being in the majority/minority matter here?
Majority of lemmings jump of a cliff. That alone isn’t an argument.

OP here is clearly in a bad place. And bordering on totally irrational here.
It’s far easier to say she needs to break up her family - because this is a usual advice here on MN. But it’s often irresponsible.
And in this specific situation - OP is pregnant and vulnerable. And the ‘offence’ is questionable.
But by all means - lead her off the cliff.

It matters a lot.

The fact you don't understand that says a lot in itself.

@Josuk you are a well known male apologist here, so unfortunately it's very hard to take any advice you have on a thread like this, in any way serious.

It’s not that I don’t understand. It’s that I disagree and think all opinions have a right to be aired.
The fact that you don’t understand that speaks volumes.

I supposed I should be flattered by being ‘well known’ something. But it’s really short sided on your part to dismiss someone’s opinion based on your idea of them. Idea based on nothing but projections of your own issues and insecurities.

There is no more apologising for men happening here. There is a concern for the OP - a woman. Her baby and unborn child.
It’s her wellbeing and mental health that concerns me. And the babies that would be affected IF she lets this irrationality ruin her life.
Her H should not have done what he did - but in the grand scheme of things and marital issues - this doesn’t deserve capital punishment. Just doesn’t.

You calling her irrational for being upset by her dh's awful abusive behaviour is being a male apologist.

She needs to calm down? Yeah? Not over react? Accept he's a male and he's entitled to lie? Gaslight? Emotionally cheat with a very strong possibility it was physical? Let him home because she's just a silly pregnant woman with crazy hormones and is liable to make stupid woman mistakes?

Not a male apologist? No?

Do fuck off back into silence now please @Josuk

And I wouldn't take a "known" as a compliment, it's prob just me that notices you like to talk shit to women in actual crisis, needing real advice.

He's horrible, I really feel for you.
My biggest regret after my husband had a long emotional affair ( I'm sure it went further because he admitted to going to her house to give her a kiss goodnight after work ffs as if you'd go 20 miles out of your way for a kiss) was to let him come home.
She was also a younger colleague.
My DC are both disabled and were devastated not having daddy at home.
My youngest literally chewed up the arm rests on his wheelchair and kept banging his head violently on the floor screaming dada because he wasn't at home .
I let him come back but we've had no relationship since.
I tolerate him for the DC sake.
So now I live in a loveless, sexless house share basically because I put myself last as usual.
Don't be a mug like me.
Seriously I've been on Prozac for over 2 years and my emotions are flat.
No highs , no lows.
It's actually made me into a different person.
I'm a shell of the person I used to be and I have no life except the kids and they are extra hard work due their disabilities.
I don't trust anything he says or does now but actually I don't care anymore.
He is my husband in name only.
I really implore anyone who finds themselves in this situation to think of themselves and their future happiness.
Sticking a fake smile on your face every day is exhausting.
Be stronger than I was.
I hope you are ok op.
What a terrible time in your life to be going through this crap.

@Josuk read @ItsNearlyMorning post? Is this what you are recommending for op?

@ItsNearlyMorning what an awful existence, I'm so sorry you've gone through all that.

@Sadiesnakes it's a shit way to live and if my youngest DC hadn't reacted so badly I would have fucked him off without hesitation.
My little one is very poorly and the stress and upset was making his seizures out of control and he would vomit mid seizure and choke.
I was so scared he would die in his sleep.
He has a cognitive age of a baby less than one and he's almost 11 and as tall as me!
It's ridiculous, I'm self employed.
I have my own income , earn a lot more than him.
I'm financially independent.
Have a lovely home and car. People who don't know the situation probably think I'm so lucky.
I actually have no problem with my friends and family knowing the truth and his family too.
In August I had a bleed on my brain stem and all of my medical team blame the stress I'm under with the DC and that dick head!
I hope op can be stronger.
Stress and heartbreak can really damage your mental and physical health.

@ItsNearlyMorning I understand completely how you feel, once the trust is gone after something like that, so is the relationship. It's impossible to carry on as normal and the damage done is devastating. I also understand why you put your children first, that was very brave.

It's ridiculous how people consider behaviour like this as normal or acceptable. It's not only disrespectful but absolutely abusive and detrimental to most serious relationships. It really makes me wonder if the pp giving YABU advice have actually ever been in a serious committed relationship or do they really have no respect or self esteem to so readily accept such bad behaviour as normal, and advise everyone else to do so too..

Is there no chance he said the stuff about moving buildings etc just to keep the piece with you? As it seems you were a bit obsessed with him working with her so he may have just told you he is not now so you didn't constantly bug him about it. Sorry OP but you have tarnished him with the cheaters brush already. So it doesn't matter even if he hasn't cheated, you will just convince yourself he has! I agree with PP that being at home with so much time to think does convince you that something is happening.

Like i said it does not matter what he says now as you have convinced yourself he has done it even tho he may not have so you might as well end it anyway!

Ive just RTFT and I think you need to slow down and take a step back for a minute as things seem to be escalating very quickly to a point where you are now stopping him from coming to a medical appointment to assess the health and development of his baby.
Firstly I just want to say I think the lying and putting socialization above his family is an issue which you need to address with him. People have a tendency to tell what they believe to be small lies to avoid conflict/take the path of least resistance. So his first lie was probably done to avoid any further conflict/worry about this woman and in telling that lie its lead to further lies which has lead to the massive issue which it is now. So this needs addressing.
A few things from your posts stood out like the focus on the cake. I have a stressful job where we work long demanding hours as part of a smallish team (approx 15people) and generally we wouldn't think twice about baking cakes for someone moving desks/birthdays/retirements. Sometimes we even do it as a welcome. When you work closely with people you have work banter, it could have been a really simple conversation along the lines of:

Her: it'll be strange when you've moved desks.
Him: yes almost like I'm leaving.
Her: oh well if thats the case I'd better bake you a cake.

It really could be that simple. We had a whole lunch time party a few weeks ago as part of something similar where a colleague was dropping a day so joke was made she is one step closer to retirement lets celebrate. Its just a part of our works banter.

Also when he was going out for drinks with this woman was it alone with her or as part of the office group? I think this makes a huge difference tbh. If its just with her then its totally inappropriate and then i would lean more towards there being more to it than just office banter. But if its as a group then I wouldn't think much of it. If it gets to the end of the day and your H says generally does anyone fancy getting a drink, and several people say yeah sure he can't then say oh sorry you can't come as my wife thinks our friendship is inappropriate. That would make a terrible atmosphere at work and may even be seen as bullying by his employer.

At the end of the day nobody can tell you what is right in this situation or what actually happened. People can only offer you advice based on their own experiences, which can also create bias when they offer you those opinions. So be careful in using some posters logic that just because 1 person went on to have a miserable life in a situation which is ultimately different to yours, becuase anything more than lying is complete speculation that your only option is to LTB. Only your husband can tell you what happened but tbh it doesn't matter what he says you will not believe him which is tbh the biggest issue here. I think you need to have a sit down conversation with him where you tell him exactly how all of this has affected you and what you need from him moving forward. Only you know him and the life you have and you need to decide whether you want to work with him to save it or not.

Oh and congratulations on the pregnancy

Wow sorry that was so long . Clearly I ramble when tired.

He's a liar. What else is there. Whether he cheats or not, there's no room for lying in a marriage. You'll never trust him.

Also op
*
I can’t complain about his hours because I knew what they were when we got together. It’s our arrangement and the price I pay for getting to stay at home.*

Lives, commitments and priorities change. You have children. It doesn't sound like he needs to be at work or drinks or wherever half as much as he says he does.

One day being at home will make you unattractive and boring and an excuse for him to cheat anyway.

Never give up work.

I just want to say a few things.

1. he moved 4 desks away. That’s why the baking the cake was so weird. And it was done after I had baked stuff for the office and she was like”I AM GOOD AT BAKING TOO, look!!” It was just very very very weird. They don’t have that culture in his offfice. Believe me. The cake incident was made an incident by him then Telling me she fancied him. Are people missing this?!
2. I think some people are massively mis understanding. I didn’t fixate on her at all. I didn’t know what she looked like until recently, look her up online, anything. I was just aware my husband was working with a woman who fancied him for 70 hours a week. Fine. Things reached a Crux when I had a 3 month old baby and found the emails exchanged whilst I was heavily pregnant. They crossed a HUGE line. Then, yes, I was annoyed. I said ok well you work with her so please just don’t socialise as much when possible. I asked if she was at events etc and he always said no.

Then the huge lies about her leaving. Which went on for nearly a year. Taking her to his private members nightclub etc.

Maybe he’s a coward and maybe it was to keep the peace (although honestly if he had been honest I would have been annoyed but I wouldn’t have been furious or hurt or deceived). Not loads he could do - she’s a work colleague he can’t leave his job and shouldn’t need to. I would never expect that.

As it stands I will just never know if they kissed or whatever. If he fancies her. If they have spend their days flirting. I have tarred him with a cheaters brush and maybe I am
Wrong but I have been repeatedly lied to now for a long time and this STARTED years ago but the lie about leaving the office was a few months ago and it’s fresh for me.