I feel like he has cheated

[Loveontherocks100]

Please bear with me because this is quite long, and probably seems very stupid, but I really really can’t get over my husband lying to me/convince myself he didn’t have at best an emotional or worst a physical affair. Let me preface this by saying he works VERY long hours 8-10pm average so always at work. We have 1 baby and 1 on the way.

3 years ago he told me a (young, pretty) colleague at work (we are now 30 for context), had baked him a cake especially for him as he was moving Desk. He was teasing me that she fancied him. I thought this was quite inappropriate of her/an overreaction to a colleague (he’s her direct boss) so asked him to just shut it down. He said he did.

A year later I found an exchange of emails BY ACCIDENT (which I posted about at the time) where she asked if he was coming for drinks and he effectively said he was very sad he couldn’t because I was pregnant. Poor him. She replied “no risk no fun” and there was a great deal of winky emojis and all fairly inappropriate. Given the cake incident I was displeased and said I wanted him to stop indulging in flirting with a colleague he had said fancied him. A few months later he said she left the team for another one.

9 months later I basically find out (not from him) that she has been working for him all along. They sit near each other. He has repeatedly lied to me about it. He has been going for drinks with her and (supposedly) other colleagues. Going to nightclubs with her (and other colleagues) and lying about it whilst I’m at home with our baby.

It’s been months since I find this out and I just can’t get over it. It probably seems so small and stupid but I had to DRAG the information out of him with irrefutable proof. He just denied denied denied then said “oh I didn’t remember” blah blah blah and now I am just convinced in my mind they must have slept together at least once or kissed or flirted.

I don’t understand why else the flirting emails, the cake, the lies!?!

Am I insane?

I will never forget my ex saying, completely out of the blue "I can do anything I want and you'll STILL love me"

Once again, why I did not leave immediately and why I wasted more time with him is somehow beyond my own belief these days. He was very cunning, clever with his manipulation, he also knew just what to say and do to repair the damage he wrought. Another clever liar. Eventually I walked for good. Thank goodness I had no children or property with him. He was a charming snake.

Don't be fooled OP.

Nobody on here can tell you what he has or hasn't done. All you need to ask yourself is can you trust this man? If the answer is no then you're not being ridiculous to leave, that choice is yours.
He may very well have felt under pressure to cut contact with someone who he's expected to work with which could make his work environment awkward so he's just told you what you've wanted to hear thinking it's doing no harm. He may have enjoyed the attention with no intention of doing anything. He may not have wanted to appear 'under the thumb' in front of his colleagues - all probably very innocent in his eyes, he hasn't done anything.
It's also possible though that the flirting has gone further, it's crossed a line at some point or they've developed an inappropriate relationship of some kind. Only he knows this, you won't find the answer on here.
The issue is, because he's lied to you and broken your trust you now may never know the complete truth. You need decide whether you can move on from that or whether you want to call it a day. A relationship with no trust is no relationship at all.
I don't think anyone has the right to call you crazy or paranoid or hysterical. If he didn't want to do what you were asking him to do at the time, he should have had the balls to say that to you and you could have worked it out then. By being dishonest and behaving the way he has, he's effectively said that when you tell him something is upsetting you, he'd rather continue the behaviour and just lie to you about it than think about changing that behaviour. If he felt he wasn't doing anything wrong at the time and he didn't want to change the way he was interacting with this woman, he should have stood his ground and told you so the you could have decided where you go from there.
A saying that gets thrown around a lot on here is but I kind of live by is: 'you can't control how others treat you but you can control how you react' - problem is that by him lying to you, he's taken that choice away from you. If he'd said he wasn't prepared to stop the banter with her 3 years ago/ 9 months ago or however long, then you could have made a decision then about how you wanted to react but because he's lied, he's removed that option from you. For me, that is not a good personality trait and I'd struggle to remain with someone like that.

Maybe ask him to move out for a while until you've had some time to think

I too agree with fizzy . Been here done that . Guarantee you say that you changed your mind he will flip out xxx

I just can't stand men who treat their pregnant wives with such contempt and disrespect - the crying emojis = the old 'ball and chain' making it no longer possible for him to go out and play.
And shame on her for using it as an opportunity to flirt 'No risk, no fun'

And teasing you that she fancied him. What sort of a ba**ard is he? Does he enjoy making you jealous, making you feel insecure? What a pathetic man that he needs his ego fed, and then to boast about it to you.

And then the lies.

for your scan today X

Oh dear OP. Again he's in the process of managing his way back in. How many times have you had this conversation with him and how many times has he continued to lie to you.

Hope the scan goes well.

Why do most of the people on here have an agenda to make the OP feels the worst she can do?
She had a conversation with her H.
She chose the way forward for now - that SHE wanted and that felt right to HER.
But because it’s not enough drama for people - you all seem to want her to go back and not talking to her H, not try to clear up air, not figure out a way forward that doesn’t include a massive change in her and her kids lives.
Yes - people with stressful jobs do want to have peace at home. Men and women alike.
Not sure what is hard to understand there.
Why not let OP deal with the situation and at least giving it a chance?
Without hoping for an opportunity to rubberneck?

Just a thought, I work in an all male environment and I bake cake for birthdays, high days n holidays. Nothing sinister, we all just like cake.
Does sound like he's being evasive though.

Unless you have solid evidence then he WILL continue to lie. His behaviour around her and towards you isnt unacceptable-regardless of his job. He hasn't shut it down or sent boundaries, he has entertained her and filled his ego right up!!

Whether you work or are a SAHM doesn't matter. He's not showing you any respect or worth. I'm sorry but choosing to go out with work instead of supporting your family after your child's op, that speaks for itself! (I can take alot of crap but THAT would have done it for me)

If you stay you will have to accept his behaviour because it won't change, he knows he's getting away with it and will continue to use "work" as his get out of jail card.

He is and will always be a prick.

You are not overreacting at all OP. I couldn't cope with those level of lies. There is no trust. No trust = a pretty shit relationship.

Good luck.

@chociefish do you send suggestive emails to the married men in your office?

Not sure what MMMomDD is trying to say.

OP came here for support, people who have been through the same or similar no doubt... or at the very least, who are neutral and objective and can see what is happening as outsiders, are supporting OP in being realistic and not swallowing this man's lies and minimising of the fact that he put a late night out with a woman from work at a private member's club before her and before their sick son who had just had surgery. He lied about it and said he had to stay late at work.

And rubbed her nose in the fact that a woman at work clearly fancies him, then when OP brought her up, lied about her. Repeatedly.

Good grief, I am sure it can be worked out, but OP needs a solution that does not involve her accepting further lies and manipulation. He has even SAID HIMSELF that he "manages her well".

To me and to most other posters, he is manipulative. Most of us want her to protect herself and NOT sweep this shit under the carpet.

He is using common tricks of abusive men.

Once the trust is gone OP, the relationship is over.

“I’m Not imposing myself on friend over this“

• over what? Your little tantrum? Your hurty feelings because he has repeatedly lied?

This is so dismissive.

And regardless of the fact of cheating or otherwise, I would be disgusted if my DP spoke about a female intern in the way your husband does in those messages. It tells you a lot about his general attitude towards women.
You do sound like you have been ‘managed’ into an accepting, easily dismissed wife role that you are now beginning to recognise.

I think you should do some thinking about your own values, the gender roles and role models you were exposed to growing up and make a decision based on what you think is not just acceptable but hopefully ideal in a relationship. The idea that you would decide about the future of your relationship based on a definite admission of an affair seems like a bolted horse situation to me.

It's the path of least resistance to take your intern to a private members club? I know peer pressure etc but if he is senior he should, for the sake of his job as well of anything else, be a lot less 'passive' with this girl and put some distance between them. Imagine someone else found his emails and HR found out? I don't think 'it was easier to go along with it' would cut it

Trust your gut OP.

I can’t see what the difference is between taking her to a member’s club and just going to a smart hotel bar or a normal to overpriced night club?? I am a member of a private club with a nightclub in the basement (also members only) and I am pretty much guaranteed to see people I know in there. It is the absolute least anonymous place I could be ever. In fact it would put the kibosh on any potential workplace affair! I go with colleagues frequently as I will be able to definitely have somewhere to sit comfortably and get a drink.

In short, I don’t know why this info has made him more likely to cheat - I would have thought less likely. Showing off, maybe - but ironically very public.

Either way he does sound like he is dismissive of your feelings, quick to be dishonest to save himself any real dialogue and nothing nice about telling you a colleague fancies him either. Nothing wrong with giving him a fright, so as pp says, he doesn’t just turn it into a hilarious anecdote of that night you locked him out. It turns into a “let’s never talk about the time I lied to you when you were pregnant and got the shock of my life when I realised you had balls of steel and scared me senseless you were going to leave me.”

This whole thing is massively, massively taking a look at what I have always accepted as “male banter”.

Scan was all good thank god so that’s something.

I’m just so angry and disappointed.

He has often joked about our marriage being successful because he’s great at “managing” me

Dear god

I confess Fizzy's take on the latest attitude had occurred to me, but though I was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, there now doesn't seem to be any. Sadly you're being played by a very skilled manipulator who clearly has very little respect for you if any

I'll also repeat that a man like this could get downright nasty if he doesn't get his own way - something you might want to watch out for

Just cross posted with you, OP ... so glad the scan was all fine

Glad the scam was ok

Did he come with you in the end?

Unfortunately love, once you lose the rose-tinted glasses, it's hard to put them back on.

Glad your scan went well and DC is developing nicely :)

Nothing to do with rubbernecking and everything to do with the injustice of a mans world. @MMmomDD

I'm afraid op, he's got you wrapped around his little finger. Welcome now to a life of misery and mistrust.

You are married to a manipulative liar, he's shown you that now and you can't unsee it, so you will always have your doubts.

Honestly he is back this evening and we are trying to talk but even about unrelated stupid shit he is lying it’s just ridiculous I can’t be bothered

I see the good old MN ducking stool has been wheeled out:

He has cheated: LTB
He hasn't cheated: the trust is gone, so LTB

Sometimes this place can be really supportive and wonderful. This isn't one of them. There are some posters who clearly love the drama, irrespective of whether real people's lives are being torn apart.

even about unrelated stupid shit he is lying

Sadly yes, he will ... it's all part of trying to control the narrative, you see. As Fizzy explained , the very fact he's there will be seen as a "win"; he's already talked you round over the scan, so probably feels that with just a bit more persuasion you'll cave and it'll be business as usual for him

I mentioned upthread the ongoing cost of trying to make things work with a man like this, but admit I was thinking longer term. Unfortunately it's very early days with yours and he's not even making a pretence of trying