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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I feel like he has cheated

760 replies

Loveontherocks100 · 16/12/2019 10:45

Please bear with me because this is quite long, and probably seems very stupid, but I really really can’t get over my husband lying to me/convince myself he didn’t have at best an emotional or worst a physical affair. Let me preface this by saying he works VERY long hours 8-10pm average so always at work. We have 1 baby and 1 on the way.

3 years ago he told me a (young, pretty) colleague at work (we are now 30 for context), had baked him a cake especially for him as he was moving Desk. He was teasing me that she fancied him. I thought this was quite inappropriate of her/an overreaction to a colleague (he’s her direct boss) so asked him to just shut it down. He said he did.

A year later I found an exchange of emails BY ACCIDENT (which I posted about at the time) where she asked if he was coming for drinks and he effectively said he was very sad he couldn’t because I was pregnant. Poor him. She replied “no risk no fun” and there was a great deal of winky emojis and all fairly inappropriate. Given the cake incident I was displeased and said I wanted him to stop indulging in flirting with a colleague he had said fancied him. A few months later he said she left the team for another one.

9 months later I basically find out (not from him) that she has been working for him all along. They sit near each other. He has repeatedly lied to me about it. He has been going for drinks with her and (supposedly) other colleagues. Going to nightclubs with her (and other colleagues) and lying about it whilst I’m at home with our baby.

It’s been months since I find this out and I just can’t get over it. It probably seems so small and stupid but I had to DRAG the information out of him with irrefutable proof. He just denied denied denied then said “oh I didn’t remember” blah blah blah and now I am just convinced in my mind they must have slept together at least once or kissed or flirted.

I don’t understand why else the flirting emails, the cake, the lies!?!

Am I insane?

OP posts:
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Original poster
Loveontherocks100 · 16/12/2019 21:19

He has said he is on his way home!!! Am I really going to let him bang on the front door in the rain and not let him in?

OP posts:
Confusedandaxious · 16/12/2019 21:22

Well then let him in OP. What’s the point in continuously asking these questions. You’ve been given advice. Why don’t you consider it and what you want and make a decision rather than repeating the same questions over and over.

Let him in, Carry on and be miserable for the next few years. And then come back. Or just make a decision and stick with it. But there’s no point continuously asking whether you should let him in or not.

Original poster
Loveontherocks100 · 16/12/2019 21:26

I suppose I just want some agreement that I am not a horrible bitch for not letting him in! I was hoping he would listen and not put me in the position of hearing him hammering on the front door and being the one keeping him out.

OP posts:
rainbowlou · 16/12/2019 21:32

If I could turn back time I would have had the strength to insist he stayed away and gave me some space.
I regret letting him back in that very night because it became all about him.
Stay strong (and no you’re not a Horrible bitch) Flowers

Original poster
Loveontherocks100 · 16/12/2019 21:38

@rainbowlou

Thank you

OP posts:
carly2803 · 16/12/2019 21:48

he has lied to you, that enough for me is end of relationship

it does sound dodgy though, is he planning to do these long hours after the baby is here?

i think this relationship is over OP, you cannot trust him

FizzyGreenWater · 16/12/2019 21:55

No, you're not horrible for not letting him in.

You asked for space. He's trying to steamroller you.

On those grounds I wouldn't let him in - it's another example of him pushing for you to shut up and move your boundary, basically.

Imagine him snoring peacefully in bed next to you tonight, having Got His Way yet again. And how furious and disregarded you'll feel.

I'd text and say, I asked you to give me space. Come and bang on the door if you want, it won't get you in, but it will possibly tell me all I need to know about how much respect you are prepared to give me.

DeRigueurMortis · 16/12/2019 22:00

I always feel (similar to parenting) that in a relationship when you've said you are going to do something you need to follow through.

So, from that perspective I'd argue you've already made the decision not to let him in.

There's nothing more to think about.

You're not being mean.

He's put you in a position (through both direct lies and omission) and that you can't trust him.

That was his choice.

Your choice is to either say, no, I'm not living like this second guessing him or take a view that a lack of absolute proof of infidelity is worth forgiving what you already know he's lied about.

The former might create a catalyst for a re-evaluation of the relationship and possible reconciliation on your terms when he realises you are not going to accept this and be placated with a bunch of flowers and some "loving" words.

The latter is accepting the loss of a marriage and your self esteem via a thousands cuts because now you both know he can lie and face no consequences - so he knows he's free to lie whilst you will accept a life without truth (until you finally get proof or he leaves you).

Sadiesnakes · 16/12/2019 22:00

Please don't let him in op, he has treated you appalling, shown no respect whatsoever for his marriage, the mother of his children and basically lived a single life on the sly.

He won't appreciate the severity of what he's done unless you act severely. Keep him locked out indefinitely , do not bring him to the scan, until he realizes that you're to be taken seriously. He will only do what when he feels he's lost you, but not before.

Stick to your resolve. Op. You are worth so much more than his lies and deceit.

TheReef · 16/12/2019 22:00

This is another prime example if him putting himself over and above what you want!

If you don't want to, don't let him in.

Berrylove · 16/12/2019 22:11

Think of it this way, if he had nothing to hide why would he lie about it? You said it yourself, you’re absolutely fine with his other female colleagues and him having banter with them etc, as you should be, but this woman is different, he isn’t lying about anyone else. It’s awful you’re going through this especially with another baby on the way. I think you need to sit him down, say we need a chat, and get it all off your chest, tell him after all the lies you don’t trust him, could even try and call his bluff and act like you already know somethings happened.

BeyondFlubeInclusionaryRF · 16/12/2019 22:15

Btw op, if you do let him in, please come back. Don’t feel that we will judge you for it - many of us have been there and took them back a million times Flowers
Either way we have your back

Original poster
Loveontherocks100 · 16/12/2019 22:19

I deserve a fucking medal. Banging on the window, waking our son, dog barking. I messaged and explained he isn’t to come in and when he said I was unreasonable
I explained he has had several hours notice to find other accommodation. He said he didn’t think I would
Really do this.

He has now gone to a hotel and I am
Leaving a bag of his things out in the morning to
Collect.

OP posts:
Original poster
Loveontherocks100 · 16/12/2019 22:19

Thank you for all
The support

OP posts:
OoohTheStatsDontLie · 16/12/2019 22:20

Hi OP

I agree with thereef and fizzygreenwater.

I think that her fancying him is irrelevant. People will try it on with other people all the time no matter what circumstances. Making a cake wouldnt bother me as if you dont work there it's hard to tell if this is normal or not (I sit next to a guy 20 years older than me who I consider a very good friend and I'd bake him something if he moved desks or something. He isn't married though however I'm not sure that would make a difference).

The thing I'd not be able to get over would be the lying. I have q horrible feeling hes going to make out it's your fault for being paranoid about her and he was just trying to protect your feelings blah blah blah. But all he had to do was say 'she's still in the team and I'll tell you if she does anything inappropriate and remind her it's not on and I'm her boss'. Instead he went out drinking with her and lied about it when your son was ill. This would hurt me even if she wasnt involved actually, that he didnt want to be there for me and my child when I needed him, and prioritised his own fun instead.

Also dont like the fact that he is coming back even though you've asked him not to. Could you go and spend the night in a hotel if he wont leave? Or stay with a friend and tell them what been going on?

Of course it's fine to refuse him access to the scan. It's a private medical appointment to make sure that you are ok and that the baby is ok. You can have whoever you want there to support you, or no one if you prefer. I went to a couple of scans by myself due to various logistical things, it was fine and plenty of people do it

MsDogLady · 16/12/2019 22:20

He is again running roughshod over your boundaries and attempting to control your narrative. Don’t allow it.

MoStew18 · 16/12/2019 22:21

I've been following your thread OP
Just wanted to say I admire your strength and your dignity here! I couldn't imagine how awful it is for you especially with your little one and another on the way.
Thinking of you and your DC 💐

Original poster
Loveontherocks100 · 16/12/2019 22:22

He kept saying he hadn’t done anything that bad and he could sleep on the sofa and I was totally unreasonable/

The thing which strengthened my resolve was the line about not thinking I would really do it! I have shown him
Finally I am
NOT a pushover.

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 16/12/2019 22:23

He said he didn’t think I would Really do this.

Yep, exactly.

No respect. Little woman can be patted on the head and told any shit.

Oh, hang on...

Good luck with your scan tomorrow. It's fine for you to go on your own - it's not exactly going to be a good atmosphere to go together.

MsDogLady · 16/12/2019 22:25

Just saw your update. You’ve done a great job of asserting your self-respect. Stay strong.

Original poster
Loveontherocks100 · 16/12/2019 22:25

not exactly going to be a good atmosphere to go together

This is what I keep reminding myself. I want to cry that he won’t be there smiling with me and being excited but if he is there there won’t be any of that anyway! Because of him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Loveontherocks100 · 16/12/2019 22:26

Thank you x

OP posts:
Greenkit · 16/12/2019 22:32

Bloody well done

Berrylove · 16/12/2019 22:43

Is there anyone else you could take to the scan with you? Your mum or a friend? Just so afterwards you have someone to smile and talk about it and be able to let yourself just enjoy that moment rather than just leaving feeling sad that he wasn’t there?

Original poster
Loveontherocks100 · 16/12/2019 22:45

My mother is having my
Son and my friends are all working, sadly. But I will be ok - If the baby is healthy i will
Be happy anyway I am sure.

OP posts: