I feel like he has cheated

[Loveontherocks100]

Please bear with me because this is quite long, and probably seems very stupid, but I really really can’t get over my husband lying to me/convince myself he didn’t have at best an emotional or worst a physical affair. Let me preface this by saying he works VERY long hours 8-10pm average so always at work. We have 1 baby and 1 on the way.

3 years ago he told me a (young, pretty) colleague at work (we are now 30 for context), had baked him a cake especially for him as he was moving Desk. He was teasing me that she fancied him. I thought this was quite inappropriate of her/an overreaction to a colleague (he’s her direct boss) so asked him to just shut it down. He said he did.

A year later I found an exchange of emails BY ACCIDENT (which I posted about at the time) where she asked if he was coming for drinks and he effectively said he was very sad he couldn’t because I was pregnant. Poor him. She replied “no risk no fun” and there was a great deal of winky emojis and all fairly inappropriate. Given the cake incident I was displeased and said I wanted him to stop indulging in flirting with a colleague he had said fancied him. A few months later he said she left the team for another one.

9 months later I basically find out (not from him) that she has been working for him all along. They sit near each other. He has repeatedly lied to me about it. He has been going for drinks with her and (supposedly) other colleagues. Going to nightclubs with her (and other colleagues) and lying about it whilst I’m at home with our baby.

It’s been months since I find this out and I just can’t get over it. It probably seems so small and stupid but I had to DRAG the information out of him with irrefutable proof. He just denied denied denied then said “oh I didn’t remember” blah blah blah and now I am just convinced in my mind they must have slept together at least once or kissed or flirted.

I don’t understand why else the flirting emails, the cake, the lies!?!

Am I insane?

I know it’s so small in the scheme of things but the idea of him
Wanting someone else after 2 years of marriage (or for the whole 2 years of marriage) makes me feel like...like a piece of fucking shit. Especially as I have been pregnant half the time too.

OP he seriously does not deserve you... you deserve to be with someone who loves and respects you and treats you like the absolute queen you are!! You are the mother of his child with another one on the way... he seriously doesn't give two shits about you or his family! He's floundering now because he knows he can't and will not get away with the lies any longer!! You are an amazing, strong woman! I seriously admire your strength! The truth will come out... and I hope to god he'll realise what he lost! X

I think its clear throughout this thread that you have become a bit obsessional with this one girl as being at the centre of everything. She is really not the issue. You don't feel able to trust your H; he has definitely done enough to deserve that lack of trust even if he hasn't actually cheated (saying he's working when he's out drinking is actually bad enough IMO, cheating in the sense that this is not how we play fairly in life, and just not wanting to be at home with his wife and new baby isn't great for a marriage). The condoms may or may not be a red herring, he may or may not have actually slept with other women, you may or may not be pushing him into telling fibs because he's scared of the consequences of telling the truth BUT clearly he's happy with playing at the bachelor lifestyle and not ready for the emotional responsibilities of fatherhood. Is he able to change? Is it too late for that? But please try to clear your head of exactly what he's done with who, its not helping.

He may have a second phone. When ex and I split, I was suspicious about his demeanour and searched his stuff. I found an old phone (charged and locked with sim card removed) at the bottom of his work bag. I would never have thought it in a million years. Makes sense though as a few years before I picked his phone up to check something and he was a bit angry when he saw this (very out of character) and I found messages from a colleague and on asking if I could see his phone, he went to the toilet and deleted everything (accept the logs). I reckon it was at that point he got his second phone.

Wanting someone else after 2 years of marriage (or for the whole 2 years of marriage) makes me feel like...like a piece of fucking shit. Especially as I have been pregnant half the time too

Yes, I found it does this - except make that 30 years, including the health risks involved when we've been/are pregnant. But it's all "compartmentalised" you see, so doesn't really mean anything; at least, that's what he hopes you'll accept

As for the "wanted to sleep with her but didn't", I'm sure you know that the next stages are:
Tried to once but couldn't manage it
Managed it, but it really was only once
Okay it might have been more, but he'd forgotten those / was drunk so it didn't count
Actually it was lots, but it's all your fault because of x, y or z

I'm truly sorry, but he's just a lying pig - something you've perhaps always known but didn't expect to stretch to this.
But it has, so now the choice of what to do is yours and not his ... which is why so many are suggesting keeping him well away while you get your head together sufficiently to make a decision

Vile repulsive boakworthy tosser. Those are his good points.

@GoodBoyPeachGoodBoy

Made me laugh! Thank you!

He is now doing all the Christmas food shopping with a toddler (Haha!) whilst I go out to meet a friend for a long, late lunch. Probably won’t come back until he’s done bed time etc then he can sleep on sofa and get up with DS at 5am! I don’t see why he should get to fanny off and sleep in hotels (I would kill for a full night sleep in a hotel) and I should be doing 100% of exhausting parenting. Have told him not to speak to me which he has respected.

I really wish I could drink! Going to find some non alcoholic wine and pretend. Feeling slightly better will do me good to get out and about without baby and appreciate all the support once again.

Except for weird LagerBrains who thinks it’s my fault my husband is a compulsive liar. I hope you get coal for Christmas LagerBrains.

Take care of yourself OP

OP I applaud your strength and good humour at such a horrible time.

Only you know what's right for you. But the one thing I would say is that spending your life with a liar is exhausting. Literally never knowing whether what they are saying is true or not. Not being able to trust them. Constantly wondering and second guessing things they've told you. You sound lovely and sparky and fun - and you also sound as if you could do an awful lot better than wasting your years with a man that doesn't love or respect you enough to be honest with you about anything.

Like others say.. the truth comes out slowly. It's like they try to make it sound trivial but it is always more. My ex said the affair was a couple of months. Then it was six months when in actual fact it was 3 years and I was pregnant and had a baby during that time.

I honestly think that you DH has issues and will probably always feel the need to lie. It's in their nature!!

You are so young and have the chance in the future to meet someone who adores you.

Good luck!!!

Oh OP. I know it's easy for posters who have been through it to see it from the other side but, and I mean this kindly I promise you, you aren't taking on board which his being a compulsive liar means.

You are still saying "he says X, Y and Z". But he could well by lying. It doesn't matter WHAT he says, you will never know if it's the truth.

If I was the lady you emailed, I too would lie through my teeth to you. Why in the world would she tell you the truth?

I am so sorry OP, I know the questioning is driving you insane and I remember well how that feels. The only way to get peace of mind is to admit that the man is a total liar and you will never ever know. Except, deep down you do......the condoms have gone. You know. I am so sorry

What it means, not which. Sorry

I think more has gone on with this work colleague than you've found out. So she denied it and just said have a lovely Xmas? If I had been asked/accused of doing this I'd have asked you if it was convenient to call you to put your mind at rest. I'd also be bloody livid with your husband for dragging me into this and I'd have told you this and then I would tell him this. But she didn't. What she said is not convincing and not a normal reaction to my mind.

What a loser he is. You sound great and worth much more. You'll never know him truly or trust him completely. The relationship will always be substandard - because of him.

Plus he could have a second phone and she might have contacted him on that while he was out. But more likely is he's already had a conversation with her that you're on to them and she's already been primed on how to act and what to say - for when you met her at the office and when she emailed you. This is a calculating woman. Maybe it was just a fling between them but it won't be looked on well at work if you were to toss a grenade and let management know or cause a scene. It sounds like they work in corporate finance. I worked in investment banking for years. I know the type. I know what they get up to.

I’m so sorry you have to deal with all this while pregnant. This is not a man you can ever trust and the condoms are enough proof of infidelity. Try to forget about with who or when. It is definitely not a reflection on you. It’s his way of being top dog. More about power than sex. And probably a good dose of misogyny too. But you now need to get copies of all those bank statements. Empty joint savings into accounts with only your name, get all financial documents in order. Then consult lots of lawyers. I think it’s the same here as the US and if you just consult them to see if you want to hire them they can’t then represent your spouse. So go see all the top ones. Do leave him with your son while you do it. Don’t tell him what you are doing. Try not to question him more as it will just lead to more lies. Save that for the therapist if you want to bother with that. Maybe it would help you separate without as many issues. To me he sounds like a covert narcissist. Please read about those. They get their sense of self worth from their partners and can’t stand to be alone so he will be angry and erratic until he has another partner lined up. He might be really horrible to you so I hope you have family or a friend that could come be with you. Please take care of yourself. You can find a way better partner in the future. For now please look after you. Hugs!

Hope you are doing ok today OP.

@MurrayTheMonk you describe it so well.

I had to move house on my own, 8 1/2 months pregnant and with 2 very small children.

The b&b lady who was strictly 'no meals' felt so sorry for me that she offered to cook me supper.

For some reason I found that very humiliating.

Now I know it was because it was glaring that a complete and cynical stranger cared more about my wellbeing than my 'I am doing a deal' husband.

Been following this. Hope u ok.
If I was sent an email accusing me of having affiar with someone's husband I would want to meet them to reassure them face to face unless I had been.

Screamingladysutch-hope things are better for you now?

How are you today Op?

Hope you are coping ok. We are worried about you! Here are some flowers 💐

Hi everyone - thank you so much for checking. I’m just trying to find a way to compartmentalise things for our son. And to view things in a way which doesn’t make me want to sit in bed crying all day. It’s so difficult being a mother during these times - just because you HAVE to get on. What I really need and would have done otherwise would be to fly off to somewhere hot and fabulous and spend a week by myself being spoilt and thinking. Or sitting at home in bed with ice cream and films. Oh well - I can dream!

I went to see his therapist today anyway just because the appointment was there and I thought it might help. It was not really what I expected - he was saying how devoted DH is to me in his sessions, and that this all sounds superficial and like DH is immature and wasn’t ready to be a father/not comfortable in his own skin and wanted excitement or validation. Then he was saying he sees a lot of couples and this isn’t such a big problem and we seem genuinely very good and well matched/happy apart from this. Lots of blaming his parents for all this. No real explanation for why he did it. Nothing else revealed.

He has been round to my mother in tears to apologise for hurting me and for telling everyone he would look after me and not. The thing is at this point everything is just platitudes and fairly meaningless. Nothing he says has any meaning anymore.

I just want to get through Christmas. DS has a shocking cough (doing the rounds) and i am operating on minimal sleep and maximum sadness/nerves. Feel very sorry for this new baby too.

Also just want to say how touched I am by everyone who has bravely shared their own story here and I am so sorry about all the heartache experienced by everyone

The councillor sounds batshit. I'm no expert but I find it very odd that they would give such a strong opinion on you both and your relationship .

But hang in there OP, only you know what you think is reasonable or not

WOW...... that Councillor is really CRAP..

Good on you OP for making sure the OW knows you know... just reiterate that you will not be keeping anyone secrets... if it blows it blows for everyone..

Wishing yuo well Lady

Wow - I cannot imagine a counsellor being so extraordinarily biased! Sounds really manipulative.

You are doing brilliantly. Whatever the future holds for you, your DC, and your 'D'H, just keep on putting your needs front and centre. Keep your standards high and keep going onwards, one small step at a time