I feel like he has cheated

[Loveontherocks100]

Please bear with me because this is quite long, and probably seems very stupid, but I really really can’t get over my husband lying to me/convince myself he didn’t have at best an emotional or worst a physical affair. Let me preface this by saying he works VERY long hours 8-10pm average so always at work. We have 1 baby and 1 on the way.

3 years ago he told me a (young, pretty) colleague at work (we are now 30 for context), had baked him a cake especially for him as he was moving Desk. He was teasing me that she fancied him. I thought this was quite inappropriate of her/an overreaction to a colleague (he’s her direct boss) so asked him to just shut it down. He said he did.

A year later I found an exchange of emails BY ACCIDENT (which I posted about at the time) where she asked if he was coming for drinks and he effectively said he was very sad he couldn’t because I was pregnant. Poor him. She replied “no risk no fun” and there was a great deal of winky emojis and all fairly inappropriate. Given the cake incident I was displeased and said I wanted him to stop indulging in flirting with a colleague he had said fancied him. A few months later he said she left the team for another one.

9 months later I basically find out (not from him) that she has been working for him all along. They sit near each other. He has repeatedly lied to me about it. He has been going for drinks with her and (supposedly) other colleagues. Going to nightclubs with her (and other colleagues) and lying about it whilst I’m at home with our baby.

It’s been months since I find this out and I just can’t get over it. It probably seems so small and stupid but I had to DRAG the information out of him with irrefutable proof. He just denied denied denied then said “oh I didn’t remember” blah blah blah and now I am just convinced in my mind they must have slept together at least once or kissed or flirted.

I don’t understand why else the flirting emails, the cake, the lies!?!

Am I insane?

Agree with pps. What a total dick that therapist is. So devoted he has lied constantly to you and broken his wedding vows.

Sounds like the therapist has had a nice Christmas bonus.

I'm in awe at how you are handling this. It's must be so hard being a mother to a young dc and pregnant because you do have to carry on with a brave face and can't just curl up in bed all day. Do you have anyone that can take your dc for a few hours just to go for a long walk and coffee to get some fresh air.

I promise you all that’s what the therapist said!

I previously suggested you use the same therapist as he would find it hard to lie but you definitely need to see someone new.

That counsellor sounds shockingly unprofessional. No decent therapist would ever say that - it's a complete no-no.

The tears and visiting your family are him "managing" you. Notice how he's going round making a big show to everyone of how devoted he is? He's using them because he wants everyone to put pressure on you to back down, be a good girl and go back to normal.

If he was truly interested in being honest with you, caring about you and respecting you, he'd be sitting in front of you telling you exactly what he is going to do to stop lying. He'd be respecting your boundaries rather than recruiting a cast of thousands to put pressure on you.

He sounds like a phenomenal actor - all of this emoting and drama. All with him at the centre. He feels sad. He is devoted. He's apologised to your family for failing to look after you (note that he didn't say that he'd failed to be honest with you). It's all about him. And as soon as you are back in your marital box, he'll be off lying to shake things up because you and your family life are boring and he needs to feel at the centre of things.

That therapist needs sacking. I'm speechless.

Hope you have a peaceful night OP

Therapists are not supposed to give their opinions but let you find your way. That guy really really sucks and isn’t the least but professional. I wonder if he was bribed to say these things?

I hope you get some sleep tonight. If you need help and have no one give a shout and I’m sure one of us lives close enough to lend a hand.

Onwards and upwards!

You should report that therapist for breaching your husband's confidence – I cannot believe he shared what they talk about in their sessions. So out of order. You need to find someone who has higher professional standards, because this one seems intent on manipulating you.

That really is not the professional behaviour of a therapist at all and as said above it's a complete breach of your husband's supposed confidence. Even this doesn't stack up either! It seems as the therapist is trying to manipulate and "manage" you as well which is not his/her role.

As a qualified therapist myself I think that's pretty shifty actually. Feel free to disregard anything that cretin said as being completely unprofessional. Not good!

Take it one day at a time OP.

Been round to your Mums crying.... see mine did that over a long period of time...and my parents bought it and were actually on his side until he did something so undeniably heinous that they couldn't be. It's just more manipulation and completely out of order. Why would any half decent parents be on his side in this scenario? And yet I'd stake my house that he did that to try and get them to talk to you on his behalf. That would actually make me as angry, if not more so, than the rest of it...

As lots of PPs have already said, I am stunned that any counsellor would comment on anything regarding another client! Not only is it unethical, but it’s also totally against patient confidentiality. If they are a ‘real’ counsellor, they shouldn’t be and may well lose any accreditation if you should feel the desire to report them. Just saying... sounds totally unprofessional and indeed manipulative.
On another note, given you can’t fly off somewhere hot, I feel that you really should treat yourself to the biggest tub of icecream you can find. You most definitely deserve it! Keep strong!

Did you see a certificate on ‘Therapists’ wall ? Did you check it wasn’t for completing a width at the local pool ? Channelling Victor Meldrew here - I believe YOU - but question if this is a real therapist at all. I would be scoping out their name with picture on the Governing body’s website at the very least. You cannot see this person for your own sanity ... find someone else to talk to.

Have found this online I hope it helps you to locate someone appropriate for yourself going forwards. www.professionalstandards.org.uk/what-we-do/accredited-registers/find-a-register/-in-category/categories/professions/counselling

I’m getting a strong feeling that you’ve been barking up the wrong tree. You were right in his inappropriate behaviour with his colleague, but that’s not the big thing he had to hide.
I think there’s another person (s)
If his personality is as described, it’s a real possibility that his lack of respect for women and ability to lead them on and manipulate them, gives belief to the fact there’s a whole lot more to this.
Trust your instincts. You’re never going to trust him again. Look after yourself and your children. Trust yourself. You won’t be alone, you’ll have your family. Let yourself be free for someone who sees your beauty and your worth in all that you are and all that you do. X

Found two condoms in the backpack he uses for work.

He has also taken it on holiday with us so doubtless that will be his excuse, but we have not used condoms on holiday since September (and we pack them in the main bag) and it’s in the tiny front pocket with his work phone so I don’t understand how he would have had them in there this whole time and not realised they were there/taken them out

I'm so sorry OP. This exact thing happened to me when I was seeing my ex. Similar job and background to your DH and I must admit, when reading the thread, I wondered if you had changed some details and you were now married to my ex.

I remember being devastated when I found condoms. When I asked about them, he replied that he took them abroad 'just in case'. Who does that? Who actually says that? To the person they are seeing? It took me longer to forget about him but the condom incident marked the beginning of the end for me.

There was also another phone. He had his personal phone and his work phone and his work phone was set up not to display emails which meant I could not see them If I looked at his phone. He told me this himself.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. A lot of your thread is bringing up memories for me too. My ex is also a compulsive liar and also cheated on me throughout both pregnancies. Which seems to make it just extra cruel.

I also had a similar experience with the therapist who had seen him first and told me that he loved me and was sorry.. he wasn’t, it never stopped with his OW. My therapist was NHS through the GP so not a couples therapist so it wasn’t his area of expertise, but still.

Sending you so much love and strength.

Just read your thread Op - I'm so sorry you're going through this. You sound lovely & deserve so much more than a lying bastard who is driving you demented & treating you like absolute shit (whether he physically cheated or not, he's ruined your marriage by his constant lies).

Be kind to yourself & don't be afraid to rely on your family for support. Hope Christmas goes ok for you & your little one. Stay strong & remember that you deserve to be treated with respect & dignity.

The thing is at this point everything is just platitudes and fairly meaningless.

I felt the same when my marriage ended. If it took the threat of losing it all to get him to regret what he'd done (what he was losing, more like), then how could I believe he'd ever loved me? Nah, he loved himself first and he's happily rewritten history now so that he's the hard done by one.

My ex told me I was beautiful in those last days of his total desperation. It made me feel physically sick. He'd always made a big thing of how I wasn't attractive (borderline nice-looking if wearing makeup ). So he could flip that switch so easily and say nice things, when it suited him... So what, he'd just not bothered for twelve years?

And yy to going round telling everyone else how sorry he is. Very familiar and pure manipulation. Wouldn't it be nicer if he'd gone to your parents, saying: please support your DD, I want to make things better for her but I can't because it's my fault she's upset. I don't know, it's too late for making things better in my mind, but at least it would be less about him and you would be in his thoughts as a separate person, not just a bit part in the story of his life.

The thing is at this point everything is just platitudes and fairly meaningless

You are also starting to realise that these platitudes will only last as long as it takes you to take him back. Once he feels
You're not going anywhere they will stop

“ he was saying how devoted DH is to me in his sessions, and that this all sounds superficial and like DH is immature and wasn’t ready to be a father/not comfortable in his own skin and wanted excitement or validation. Then he was saying he sees a lot of couples and this isn’t such a big problem and we seem genuinely very good and well matched/happy apart from this. Lots of blaming his parents for all this. No real explanation for why he did it. Nothing else revealed. “

OP, what was the therapist referring to with the above? Your husband lying? Cheating?
It is impossible that your husband is ‘devoted’ to you if he acts like this. Actions speak louder than words and I am angry on your behalf that even the therapist is attempting to gaslight you.

Wow things have moved on quite fast.

What a total dick

Hope you are doing ok OP. I wonder how he will “manage” Christmas. Big hug to you.

I hope you are ok OP. It’s all very easy to sit on a keyboard telling someone what they ought to do but you are living through this, unemployed, pregnant and trying to look after another small child too. I hope you have confided in people around you and you are surrounded with support.

I hope you're ok and another counsellor saying what your husbands therapist said was out of order.
In terms of confidentiality, if he had given permission to the counsellor to talk to you about his sessions then sharing is less of a problem. But telling you what to think and feel is a huge issue!
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I've gone through something not entirely different this year too and my husband is the golden boy where my family are concerned. Yes taken responsibility for what he's done, we chose to work through it etc but I know if I told my family, their response would be to ask what I'd done to make him behave that way 😤,
Please take care of yourself as best you can x

The way the therapist said things to me wasn’t really a breach though - he was saying he can’t share specific things etc but all he can say is DH comes across as devoted. And the superficial comment was based on questions he asked DH in front of me.

But

I am here to just say MERRY CHRISTMAS to all of you who have supported me, and those also going through a tough time. I also thought it would make everyone laugh (honestly made me laugh even though I wanted to throw it at DH) to know that as one of my Christmas gifts, in perhaps the biggest misfires of all fucking time, DH bought me a....CAKE RECIPE BOOK!!! 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂