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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I feel like he has cheated

760 replies

Loveontherocks100 · 16/12/2019 10:45

Please bear with me because this is quite long, and probably seems very stupid, but I really really can’t get over my husband lying to me/convince myself he didn’t have at best an emotional or worst a physical affair. Let me preface this by saying he works VERY long hours 8-10pm average so always at work. We have 1 baby and 1 on the way.

3 years ago he told me a (young, pretty) colleague at work (we are now 30 for context), had baked him a cake especially for him as he was moving Desk. He was teasing me that she fancied him. I thought this was quite inappropriate of her/an overreaction to a colleague (he’s her direct boss) so asked him to just shut it down. He said he did.

A year later I found an exchange of emails BY ACCIDENT (which I posted about at the time) where she asked if he was coming for drinks and he effectively said he was very sad he couldn’t because I was pregnant. Poor him. She replied “no risk no fun” and there was a great deal of winky emojis and all fairly inappropriate. Given the cake incident I was displeased and said I wanted him to stop indulging in flirting with a colleague he had said fancied him. A few months later he said she left the team for another one.

9 months later I basically find out (not from him) that she has been working for him all along. They sit near each other. He has repeatedly lied to me about it. He has been going for drinks with her and (supposedly) other colleagues. Going to nightclubs with her (and other colleagues) and lying about it whilst I’m at home with our baby.

It’s been months since I find this out and I just can’t get over it. It probably seems so small and stupid but I had to DRAG the information out of him with irrefutable proof. He just denied denied denied then said “oh I didn’t remember” blah blah blah and now I am just convinced in my mind they must have slept together at least once or kissed or flirted.

I don’t understand why else the flirting emails, the cake, the lies!?!

Am I insane?

OP posts:
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TheReef · 21/12/2019 22:48

He's so adept at lying he's lying about things that are unbelievable. A suitcase full of condoms gone, condoms in his work bag, out doing 'fuck knows what' whilst telling you he's at work, spending family money on nights out (whilst supposed to be at work).

I wouldn't trust his facial expressions as he's had A LOT of practice at it.

So sorry OP Thanks

Puzzledandpissedoff · 21/12/2019 22:49

How is he contacting you to admit his "inklings", Loveontherocks?

Are you getting a blizzard of texts or has he talked his way back into the house?

TheReef · 21/12/2019 23:16

She's been stroking more than his ego

Original poster
Loveontherocks100 · 21/12/2019 23:23

I basically staged an elaborate rouse using iPhone markup and a blank Instagram message page to her account, sent it to him, pretended I had messaged her and pretended we talked on the phone.

Then he shit his pants and started admitting to these bits and pieces eg golf ball and that he had deleted all their emails and it had been Inappropriate hes a “Terrible person”. But we don’t need to break up we don’t need to put DS through this that’s MY decision to do that....

Still saying condoms must have been from us on holiday. Won’t admit to anything physical. Won’t admit to having feelings. Says just an ego massage and he doubts she had feelings she is weird.

OP posts:
peachypetite · 21/12/2019 23:28

Oh OP you know deep down something is wrong, don’t torture yourself. This sounds exhausting.

tikitent · 21/12/2019 23:30

You really can't come back from this. You'll never know the truth snd you'll never trust him again.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 21/12/2019 23:36

Ah OP I'm so sorry. The changing stories must seem as bad if not worse than whatever it is that he has done - at least if you knew for sure what had happened you could begin to process and deal with it. It must be so frustrating. By trying to wriggle out of it and muddling the waters he is only making it worse for everyone.

Daisydoola · 21/12/2019 23:55

This is so sad to read.

I hope you're okay OP. I'm not sure he'll admit anything to you to be honest.

MurrayTheMonk · 22/12/2019 00:01

So sorry OP x lots of love to you x it would be much easier if he would just tell the truth. Much more respectful anyway... I've been where you are now and it's shit.
The only good news is that a couple of years from now you will look back on this and realise that you had a lucky escape. It might not feel like it now of course....these are the hard yards... take care of yourself x

SirChing · 22/12/2019 00:13

OP, you KNOW deep down he has had an affair. Maybe not with the woman he mentionned (she could well be someone he mentions to throw you off the scent), but you know he has.

And even if he hadn't, he is a liar. Counselling is pointless because he can just lie in it. Even his reasons for lying, could well be lies.

You will never ever know the truth from him, and you will never ever be able to trust him again like you did. I am so sorry. The question is, do you want to stay with a man that you KNOW you cannot trust? You will always be wondering if he is telling the truth. How do I know? I have been there, done the counselling, lived through the continued lies afterwards despite promises to work through issues and stop.

Once your husband shows that they are happy to fuck with your peace of mind and lie for the sake of it, they are showing that they have no respect for you. They have put you in the same category as their mother who they also invariably lie to. You become a woman in their life that they need to "keep sweet" through lies and bullshit, not a partner they respect.

Even now I have no idea why my ex was such a liar. All I know is that life without that knot of anxiety is immeasurably better. Good luck with whatever you decide OP Flowers

Original poster
Loveontherocks100 · 22/12/2019 00:33

Thank you so much everyone. I really, really appreciate the support:

OP posts:
lookingforaunicorn · 22/12/2019 00:37

OP, my advice would be to start concentrating on you and what you want. Set some very firm boundaries. "No" is a complete sentence, remember that!

I'd personally get rid id the selfish manchild - and believe me, I've been there too. Not as involved as yours but I've been single for 3 months and damn I feel so good!!!

In the meantime, I'm sending you a massive hug - and some positive, strong and confident energy xxxx

LagerBrains · 22/12/2019 05:57

From him receiving a small baked cake to you both getting divorced......

Maybe, just maybe, you blew this out of all proportion and cornered him into telling fibs one after another after another ?

I've read mainly your posts through all of this and you keep saying you're not this you're not that, but then you go do the things you claim you don't do !

Personally, I prefer to quieten my own mind and see things with my own clearer vision, inner voice. Asking total strangers online who cannot never, ever know the whole story through your chosen words (never heard the line "there's always two sides to a story"?) is asking for confusion and distortion in your mind. You're the one who is going to be affected, not them, nor me.

Blame the girl baking a cake for god's sakes..... (maybe she is just bored with her own little life, maybe she doesn't have a partner / someone make a fuss of, maybe her job might be all she looks forward to, and maybe, just maybe, she liked her colleague enough to do that for him and had some spare time in an evening - it's called BEING NICE !).

Yes, people 'go off the rails', but that's when LOVE kicks in, not FEAR and jealousy....

Ask yourself this about your husband and your relationship - "What would LOVE do?".

Original poster
Loveontherocks100 · 22/12/2019 07:06

lagerbrains

I have now seen hundreds of emails between them. Many started by him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Loveontherocks100 · 22/12/2019 07:21

His side of the story is he can compartmentalise so didn’t feel bad lying and wanted an ego massage by a “young” woman (she is 3 years younger ffs).

OP posts:
allthefood · 22/12/2019 07:27

ODFO Lager. What a load of crap.

Curlysue2019 · 22/12/2019 07:30

Op he has had sex with someone else - for your own sake leave him - there is no peace of mind to be had by continuing on - he is a sad bastard and a bad liar!

Curlysue2019 · 22/12/2019 07:31

lager your post is pathetic - doormat springs to mind!

sauvignonandcheesecake · 22/12/2019 07:32

I'm so sorry. It must feel like your world has ended. I can't believe she was so lovely to your face when she was behaving like this with your husband.

Original poster
Loveontherocks100 · 22/12/2019 08:00

I am really really struggling this morning. He saw me in floods of tears when I found the no risk no fun shit yet still continued.

And as he deleted the worst emails I will never truly know

OP posts:
MurrayTheMonk · 22/12/2019 08:12

This feels horrible I know. Like the end of the world. Keep breathing, take it an hour at a time.... you will get through it. Thinking of you.
Is he going to leave?

GoodBoyPeachGoodBoy · 22/12/2019 08:12

If he can compartmentalise then so can you. Tell him this. He can lead his own tawdry life in one compartment and you will live your lovely liar free life in another.

Make sure everyone knows you have thrown him own for being a cheating lying scum bag. Don't let him get away with treating you like you have the IQ of plankton! Cheeky fucker that he is!

Original poster
Loveontherocks100 · 22/12/2019 08:14

I have emailed Her.

I know I know I know but I just don’t care how she sees me/how stupid I look. I just dont care anymore

OP posts:
Original poster
Loveontherocks100 · 22/12/2019 08:15

My family all Fuckin hate him now and he was always golden boy with them

OP posts:
HundredMilesAnHour · 22/12/2019 08:18

You're probably in shock still OP. These next few days will be the hardest and of course you'll cry. You thought you had your future mapped out and that has all changed now. Part of you will be angry at him (for being a lying, cheating sleazebag), part of you will be angry at yourself for ever getting involved with him and part of you will be mourning the life you thought you had and were going to have. Let the tears out. Better to let them out than bottle it all up. But have a good cry and then let it go and try to move forward. Easier said than done I know.

You're right when you say that you will never truly know what's happened and what he's done. But you don't really need to know. It will only hurt you more. You know he's a liar and a cheat and that your relationship has been based almost entirely on lies. He's not a good man. The man you love doesn't exist. He's a fabrication. I think deep down you've probably known for a long time that he's not a good man but it's not easy to face. You and your DC deserve so much better than this man. Keep reminding yourself that. Things are awful now but you WILL get through this. And you will make a better life with your DC away this lying man. You are young and beautiful and talented. You have so much life ahead of you. You will be happy again I promise!