I feel like he has cheated

[Loveontherocks100]

Please bear with me because this is quite long, and probably seems very stupid, but I really really can’t get over my husband lying to me/convince myself he didn’t have at best an emotional or worst a physical affair. Let me preface this by saying he works VERY long hours 8-10pm average so always at work. We have 1 baby and 1 on the way.

3 years ago he told me a (young, pretty) colleague at work (we are now 30 for context), had baked him a cake especially for him as he was moving Desk. He was teasing me that she fancied him. I thought this was quite inappropriate of her/an overreaction to a colleague (he’s her direct boss) so asked him to just shut it down. He said he did.

A year later I found an exchange of emails BY ACCIDENT (which I posted about at the time) where she asked if he was coming for drinks and he effectively said he was very sad he couldn’t because I was pregnant. Poor him. She replied “no risk no fun” and there was a great deal of winky emojis and all fairly inappropriate. Given the cake incident I was displeased and said I wanted him to stop indulging in flirting with a colleague he had said fancied him. A few months later he said she left the team for another one.

9 months later I basically find out (not from him) that she has been working for him all along. They sit near each other. He has repeatedly lied to me about it. He has been going for drinks with her and (supposedly) other colleagues. Going to nightclubs with her (and other colleagues) and lying about it whilst I’m at home with our baby.

It’s been months since I find this out and I just can’t get over it. It probably seems so small and stupid but I had to DRAG the information out of him with irrefutable proof. He just denied denied denied then said “oh I didn’t remember” blah blah blah and now I am just convinced in my mind they must have slept together at least once or kissed or flirted.

I don’t understand why else the flirting emails, the cake, the lies!?!

Am I insane?

yappity

That is actually quite helpful. She is German, although Germans are usually much more formal at work (I lived there)

@sauvignonandcheesecake

I will read that shortly. Thank you - sounds like an interesting point. I am also hoping I just get more of a gut feeling from meeting her.

I am really, really looking forward to counselling in a way. I just want to say my piece and see what the therapist makes of it and how he dissects it.

My life as a SAHM hinges so much on pride and respect for and from my DH and I feel like that’s severely compromised now.

He sounds like he might be a narcissist. They lie so much they don’t realize they are lying and fully believe their lies in the moment. There is a YouTube channel you might find helpful called LiveAbuseFree.

Once trust is broken it’s very hard to repair. And gaslighting is the worst! If he can’t help lying you will should never trust him. Narcissistic personalities don’t get fixed with therapy. And they often have a mask that fools almost everyone. They’ve worn it their whole life to please a supercritical parent.

If this is him you will be much happier without him.

Good luck! I’m glad you are finally standing up to him. Affair or not taking her to his members club when he was needed at home is pretty low!

I am not sure that he is a narcissist, just like I’m not sure she is a dog whistle woman.

All I am sure of is I don’t trust him and that’s not because I am some paranoid weirdo - it’s because he is a liar. I feel like he has valued her above me, which hurts; but I value myself and that’s what I am holding on to, and what is most important. And it’s me who will decide what happens from here on out.

Hi OP, I’ve been following your thread. I’m another one who’s been there and everything you are saying and feeling resonates so strongly with me. Lots of people are saying you are overreacting but trust your gut. You know something isn’t right and you are the one living it.

For me it started two years ago when I was pregnant. I didn’t have a dreadful pregnancy but really struggled with heartburn so was often feeling a bit shit. My husband started getting fed up with me feeling ill (poor him) and started going out more often to avoid being at home. Mostly it would be taking more opportunities to go to work networking events ( he had his own business) so he would say it was all for the good of the business. When our daughter was born carried on as if his life hadn’t changed a bit. Networking, going to every conference going, work jollies, not thinking anything of adding an extra night on, leaving me to do everything on my own. My baby had undiagnosed CMPA at the time so lots of screaming, I had a 5yo who really struggled with me spending so much time with the baby and a 9yo who felt the need to step up and look out for his little sister because Daddy wasn’t there. Daddy was off having a great time while I was left with that. And when he was home he was awful...criticising me, making me feel like I was doing a shit job, accused me of neglecting the older two when I was upstairs trying to get the baby to bed, and he ignore our baby for the first 10 months of her life. Soon his ‘networking events’ involved him rolling in at 3am in the morning. I ended up snooping a discovered email to a woman he had never mentioned to me...she worked for a client company rather than directly with him. It turned out she was the common denominator in every conference, event, jolly he went to. I even discovered he had given her lifts to some events. I also discovered he had invited her to accompany him to events....all while I was stuck at home looking after his children. It made me sick to the stomach. I snooped in his WhatsApp messages and found he’d been texting her at weekends...nothing sexual but clearly not just work. I confronted him and he denied it. He said he didn’t tell me about her as he knew I’d read too much into it, he portrayed it more as a ‘mentoring’ relationship as she was new to the industry, he said there was nothing in it, just work and they happened to get on well.

Initially, I didn’t tell him to cut her out but I said that if there was nothing to hide then just be honest. He’s a man that has a lot of female friends and I have no problem with it at all. About a month later I was in a bit of a childcare pickle and asked if there was any chance he could come home early. He said he had a really important deadline that was stressing him out and he just needed to stay in the office and bash it out and get it done. I accepted it..my daughter had to miss out on something and I had to call in favours from other people to make it work. He came home at about 11pm that night all knackered and saying how hard he’d been working. But I had a feeling he’d had a beer or two...he wasn’t drunk but he just gets a bit more animated when he’s had a drink. Anyway the next day I bumped into a school Mum in the supermarket and we got chatting and she casually mentioned that she saw my husband in the pub last night! Turned out he’d been to the pub with this woman and someone else and lied to my face about it. At that point he admitted he fancied her and I told him to cut her out. A few weeks later he told me he needed to pop to a clients house on the way home (feasible given his work) so might be back a bit late. He was later than expected and he that he and his client had gone out for a drink. This struck me as strange and I told himI didn’t believe him. Sure enough he had been out for ‘lunch’ with this woman and two other work people and it had carried on until 8pm in the evening. All work apparently! Bollocks.

Anyway, we did counselling and it brought us closer for a while. He’s cut the woman out now and has ‘come back’ to us but the damage he’s done is irreparable. I was desperate to work things out and keep our family together, I was very fragile and the whole thing sent me spiralling into depression and my self esteem went through the floor. In honesty he’s been great recently...really trying to rebuild the trust and be the devoted family man. But I see through it now...it’s a facade. I think it’s true that once the trust is broken it will never go back to what it was. I have lost all respect for him and I don’t feel the same. It’s been six months since we finished counselling and I haven’t forgiven him. I’m focusing on myself now and detaching from him. He can feel it and I can see he’s worried. I’m starting a new job in Jan (I was a part time freelancer before) and I am working on my independence. My most harrowing memory of that time was feeling like I wanted to lick him to the curb and having no means to do so as I was totally financially dependent on him...especially having just had a baby. I was stuck. Whatever happens in the future ( I am making damn sure I never feel ‘stuck’ again.

Good luck...I really feel for you.

Sorry for the essay!

I would also be a detective yourself. Take a photo of her when you visit the office. Use it at the club and other places to see if they’ve been there a lot. Hack his social media. Check out her profile. Has she had no boyfriend these years? Has she been in the same places he has....? Either way he lies and that’s a big challenge to deal with. It would take a lot of time and therapy to rebuild trust. You have to decide if it’s worth it. The therapist can’t spill any secrets or force him to be honest. Hopefully he or she will help you find your way.

Can you manage to meet her somehow if you think you’ll be able to tell by her reaction? Any Christmas work parties?

Went to the Office. Went very well I don’t think something is going on BUT he then told me ANOTHER stupid fucking pointless lie

Did you meet her? What did he lie about?

He sounds great OP. What's he lied about now?

How could you tell from a visit that he would have warned her about?

There do seem to be rather a lot of lies going on. Perhaps he is just a compulsive liar. Is this a new pattern of behaviour or has he always lied? What was the latest one and in what context?

Are you keeping a list of these lies for the counsellor? It’s a LOT. If you can tell her or him these are the lies he’s told over a mere 4 days it will give the best example perhaps

How did it all go, did you meet her

Re. The cake. Was it weird she naked a cake ? Possibly.
But can I suggest you look at it this way.
You say during the summer you baked weekly for the office. You were baking for lots of peoples husbands in there as well. The cake is not evidence of cheating . His actions are .

Did you wear the grey or the black outfit.

Was it weird she naked a cake ? Possibly.
Sounds weird to me.

I think there’s a big difference between making a cake for everyone in a team, and making a cake specifically for one person (married man, opposite sex) for moving 4 desks away. Especially a week after I baked something and she was like I CAN ALSO BAKE to DH. But that’s not the point.

Re her, I think massive red herring. I’ve really changed my mind. She was actually lovely, got such a good impression from her and excellent gut feeling. Like maybe she had a crush and overstepped a bit, or she’s just a bit effusive. Either way zero awkwardness between them or my husband who would have gone very red etc and been weird and wasn’t. I had ample opportunity to make a shit comment to her as we were alone with DH and she mentioned by baking but I genuinely didn’t feel the need as I liked her.

The issue is my compulsive lying dipshit of a husband.

Here is today’s pointless lie - and let me preface by saying i would NEVER have had a problem with this, it’s madness, and literally no reason for the lie. Whcih he agreed with when he “admitted” the lie:

He had a personalised golf ball on his desk. I was just like “what’s the story there? Who’s it from?”, literally polite interested convo. He said he didn’t know/it was there when he moved to the desk. He was clearly lying. Anyway we get outside and I was like come on I know you’re lying and I don’t get why. Makes no sense. Had another 10 rounds of lies before I was like fucking cut the bullshit what the fuck and he said it was from 3 colleagues who ate all his gum, one of which is a female colleague of his I really, really like. I asked why he lied as I wouldn’t have cared and he knows this/knows I’m not jealous. He started to play some victim card about how he’s just so panicked as I’m so upset with him. But apparently he will stop lying now...

It’s nonsense. He’s a liar. A ridiculous, stupid liar. I don’t understand any of it. I don’t know if I feel better or bloody worse tbh.

Sorry for long post and thank you for caring everyone! Will reply to previous posts in a min only just gone

@CoffeeChocolateWine

Thank you so much for taking the time to post - I am so sorry! How very upsetting. What a fucking arsehole. Very interesting to hear how the counselling was only really a temporary plaster. Damage is done. It’s so hard when you have children 😔

So you don’t think anything has gone on with them in the past or are you still unsure after meeting her?

The thing is op, he is lying about women all the time. He either has something to hide or he is scared you'll fly off the handle and over react

Yes he is a compulsive liar and you will never trust him I'm not even convinced he will stop because it's such an ingrained habit. It shows how nasty he was about colleague fancying him too...

ballsdeep

This is the thing though, what’s SO fucking unfair and making me feel crazy and angry and upset - I WOULD NOT FLY OFF THE HANDLE!! I don’t give a single fuck re women in the office or anywhere else. He has plenty of female friends and colleagues. I really, really don’t care.

He is either hiding stuff or he just cannot help himself but lie.

Or maybe the golf ball was decorated by the colleague in question and he told a half truth? I just don’t know anymore and it’s exhausting. It’s like a little child - the stupidest of meaningless lies. I can’t live like this.

And I don’t think anything happened with her - she was genuinely just really lovely and I didn’t get even the smallest hint of any feeling.

It shows how nasty he was about colleague fancying him too

Yes.

I’m very pleased I went though.

I am just 😱 about my husband’s fucking lying.

It’s going to be a fun Christmas in our house