Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I feel like he has cheated

760 replies

Loveontherocks100 · 16/12/2019 10:45

Please bear with me because this is quite long, and probably seems very stupid, but I really really can’t get over my husband lying to me/convince myself he didn’t have at best an emotional or worst a physical affair. Let me preface this by saying he works VERY long hours 8-10pm average so always at work. We have 1 baby and 1 on the way.

3 years ago he told me a (young, pretty) colleague at work (we are now 30 for context), had baked him a cake especially for him as he was moving Desk. He was teasing me that she fancied him. I thought this was quite inappropriate of her/an overreaction to a colleague (he’s her direct boss) so asked him to just shut it down. He said he did.

A year later I found an exchange of emails BY ACCIDENT (which I posted about at the time) where she asked if he was coming for drinks and he effectively said he was very sad he couldn’t because I was pregnant. Poor him. She replied “no risk no fun” and there was a great deal of winky emojis and all fairly inappropriate. Given the cake incident I was displeased and said I wanted him to stop indulging in flirting with a colleague he had said fancied him. A few months later he said she left the team for another one.

9 months later I basically find out (not from him) that she has been working for him all along. They sit near each other. He has repeatedly lied to me about it. He has been going for drinks with her and (supposedly) other colleagues. Going to nightclubs with her (and other colleagues) and lying about it whilst I’m at home with our baby.

It’s been months since I find this out and I just can’t get over it. It probably seems so small and stupid but I had to DRAG the information out of him with irrefutable proof. He just denied denied denied then said “oh I didn’t remember” blah blah blah and now I am just convinced in my mind they must have slept together at least once or kissed or flirted.

I don’t understand why else the flirting emails, the cake, the lies!?!

Am I insane?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
10
Gemma1971 · 19/12/2019 16:40

I think he enjoy fucking with your mind.

After the visit, the whole golf ball thing, I wouldn't even believe the SECOND version of events. I think he gets off on "handling" you... manipulating you. His lips move and he lies.... I would start to wonder WTF am I married to.

My ex actually admitted that he enjoyed messing with "people's heads". I was stunned. But it was only to avoid actually coming clean when I found evidence of foul play.. drugs and/or cheating and he told me one story one week.. and the next week, a different one..... when I called him out on it he said he enjoyed the mindfuckery. He had forgotten story number 1 in essence, but I do think he liked to see me confused and unhinged. I opened the front door and told him to fuck off. Still forgave him. Got more lies and mindfuckery, topped off by insults to my body and and and and....

Some people are compulsive liars and like to mess with you. When this is in a serious business deal or an intimate relationship, you are royally fucked, pardon my French.

You know he will lie in counselling of course. He enjoys lying. I would see a solicitor.

Original poster
Loveontherocks100 · 19/12/2019 16:43

I wouldn't even believe the SECOND version of events

I don’t - it just doesn’t make a lick of sense to me that he would lie about it. Maybe you are right. What a nasty ex you had!

OP posts:
Gemma1971 · 19/12/2019 16:45

People always show us who they really are, eventually. We need to believe them.

Your husband likes to lie to you. I think he does it on purpose, especially given the bizarre golf ball episode. Truly bizarre. His motivation? To keep you off balance. When someone does this all the time, then the truth is VERY hard to pin down.

You do realise this is a sociopath's trick, right?

Gemma1971 · 19/12/2019 16:47

He was VERY nasty. Good looking (my personal opinion anyhow), charming, good in bed, sharp dresser, good cook, smooth talker... and a snake. A very devious snake who showed me who he was on numerous occasions, but I chose not to believe him and wasted time as well as great business opportunities because of him.

www.truthaboutdeception.com/lying-and-deception/confronting-a-partner/compulsive-lying/types-of-liars.html

NoMorePoliticsPlease · 19/12/2019 16:48

The lies are the problem. people try to defend themselves by saying they lied because they knew you would react like this. Which is no defence

lisag1969 · 19/12/2019 16:51

She said herself. No risk no fun. She's a tramp. She only wants him because he is married. She likes the risk it entails and the fact she makes him stay out with her and colleagues, she gets a kick out of the fact she can make him do things he's not supposed to. She doesn't want him as such she wants him as a plaything a puppet and toy. If he stopped being stupid and doing what everyone else does she would no longer have an interest in him. Lots of us have been there I'm sad to say. Start turning up at functions or at his work after hours, or where you know he will be. If need be you may have to be very confrontational if you want to keep your family together. Get her alone tell her to stay away from your family or you will break her little neck. Hopefully you just keep turning up will stop this without you having to get aggressive. Otherwise tell your husband if he doesn't stop staying out late after work and entertaining this woman's flirtation, you are going to take your children and leave this might frighten him. Also if you get on well with your parents in law maybe tell them what's going on, if they are nice they will be very angry and give him a good talking to about putting his family at risk, for nothing more than a tramp. I'm so angry for you I could hit her myself. Good luck and please keep us posted. Hope you're okay. You have your children they are more precious than anything. X

Original poster
Loveontherocks100 · 19/12/2019 16:52

But had he said the “truth” re the golf ball I would have just been like “ha ok - funny”. Or something. I mean he has known me for 15 years he knows that.

OP posts:
VictoriaBun · 19/12/2019 16:55

Oops my comment - naked a cake is actually baked a cake ! Sorry for any Confused

Original poster
Loveontherocks100 · 19/12/2019 16:56

@Gemma1971

Link looks good will read

OP posts:
Original poster
Loveontherocks100 · 19/12/2019 16:56

(Thank you!)

OP posts:
RandomMess · 19/12/2019 16:57

He's got away with "managing" you for 15 years, being arrogant well portraying being a living spouse Sad I think he "needs" the upper hand and this is how he achieves it. You are easy going so he upped the anti about a colleague fancying him, baking him a cake (more lies?) trying to make you insecure and jealous so he could put you down.

He didn't anticipate it back firing. Perhaps he was pushing your boundaries further to see just how much he can get away with, for no other reason than to have the upper hand.

Bloody exhausting.

Original poster
Loveontherocks100 · 19/12/2019 16:58

@Gemma1971

I think he’s really more of a compulsive liar - I can’t see any purpose behind the lies and I still feel like he’s generally good underneath all this hurt and disappointment. I think I mentioned he has very nasty parents and played a piggy in the middle role for their divorce where he felt the need to lie to both

OP posts:
lisag1969 · 19/12/2019 16:58

You have given him too much of a long rope to act freely. Start tightening his rope a bit he's a married man. You are supposed to be together. If he won't except the new rules. Tell him you are cutting his ties with you and he can be free. I'm not saying once you are married you can't have friends and do stuff. But he is not acting like a married man should and is behaving like a single man. X

Gemma1971 · 19/12/2019 16:59

I disagree with Lisag. I think no man should need to be told to behave himself, FGS, he is an adult. A friend of mine is having issues with her husband, drugs, staying out late, verbal abuse. She gets upset and his parents come and "give him a good talking to". He behaves like a normal adult for a few weeks, then what a surprise, he does it all over again.

Come on. He's not stupid. It takes two to tango and if they ARE sleeping with each other, they are BOTH to blame.

And I would not demean myself in any way by threatening her. OP should retain her dignity and personally, if I was her, I would be looking at getting out of a marriage to a man who seems incapable of telling the truth about anything!

Original poster
Loveontherocks100 · 19/12/2019 16:59

@RandomMess

It’s food for thought - I certainly can’t see any reason for telling me she fancied him. If he really thought it and cared enough to tell me, surely he would have talked to her like he said. Not just wound me up (whilst pregnant the first time!) and then leave it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Loveontherocks100 · 19/12/2019 17:00

I strongly feel now that she is not the problem. HE is the problem.

OP posts:
Gemma1971 · 19/12/2019 17:04
Gemma1971 · 19/12/2019 17:13

"It’s food for thought - I certainly can’t see any reason for telling me she fancied him."

Could be various reasons or combinations thereof.

  • Could have been to make you jealous because he felt neglected/ignored (some men and babies/pregnancies act like babies and need attention etc...)
  • Wanted to hurt you / wanted a reaction so he could feel good or better about himself.
  • Classic mentionitus that men get when cheating. It has been shown that women are much more devious when they cheat and are able to hide it and pull it off better than men, but men ALWAYS give the game away somehow, and one of those ways is the mentioning of the other person. She may not have even fancied him at all, but he was thinking about having sex with her.
Original poster
Loveontherocks100 · 19/12/2019 17:16

All of those are good and convincing reasons. Will present to him. Not that I will get an answer.

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 19/12/2019 17:18

I strongly feel now that she is not the problem. HE is the problem

He always was ... whether behaving inappropriately with a colleague or lying to you, it was his choice and nobody else's

Unfortunately, until he faces this, I doubt there's any real progress to be made

Gemma1971 · 19/12/2019 17:18

He's sounding more and more like a bit of a twat OP.

All this stress and you are pregnant too..... and he has to mindfuck you over a fucking golf ball. I think I would have shoved it up his ass.

Gemma1971 · 19/12/2019 17:19

I think the person you are married to has two faces.

Original poster
Loveontherocks100 · 19/12/2019 17:21

I am so pleased that you agree re the golf ball. It’s all the more maddening for being such a NOTHING lie.

Would have loved to have shoved up arse. Or nose. Wanker.

And yes he was always the problem but you know what i mean / she’s not even a factor/distraction.

OP posts:
JustASmallTownCurl · 19/12/2019 17:24

But OP whatever he says about each specific lie, you know he is a compulsive liar. Can you bear the thought of being with a compulsive liar for the rest of your life? It will cost you your sanity and you need and deserve that to be a happy healthy mum.