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Original poster

I feel like he has cheated

760 replies

Loveontherocks100 · 16/12/2019 10:45

Please bear with me because this is quite long, and probably seems very stupid, but I really really can’t get over my husband lying to me/convince myself he didn’t have at best an emotional or worst a physical affair. Let me preface this by saying he works VERY long hours 8-10pm average so always at work. We have 1 baby and 1 on the way.

3 years ago he told me a (young, pretty) colleague at work (we are now 30 for context), had baked him a cake especially for him as he was moving Desk. He was teasing me that she fancied him. I thought this was quite inappropriate of her/an overreaction to a colleague (he’s her direct boss) so asked him to just shut it down. He said he did.

A year later I found an exchange of emails BY ACCIDENT (which I posted about at the time) where she asked if he was coming for drinks and he effectively said he was very sad he couldn’t because I was pregnant. Poor him. She replied “no risk no fun” and there was a great deal of winky emojis and all fairly inappropriate. Given the cake incident I was displeased and said I wanted him to stop indulging in flirting with a colleague he had said fancied him. A few months later he said she left the team for another one.

9 months later I basically find out (not from him) that she has been working for him all along. They sit near each other. He has repeatedly lied to me about it. He has been going for drinks with her and (supposedly) other colleagues. Going to nightclubs with her (and other colleagues) and lying about it whilst I’m at home with our baby.

It’s been months since I find this out and I just can’t get over it. It probably seems so small and stupid but I had to DRAG the information out of him with irrefutable proof. He just denied denied denied then said “oh I didn’t remember” blah blah blah and now I am just convinced in my mind they must have slept together at least once or kissed or flirted.

I don’t understand why else the flirting emails, the cake, the lies!?!

Am I insane?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
10
OoohTheStatsDontLie · 18/12/2019 19:03

"Ah! You must be the cake baker! Well now it's MY turn to deliver the treats. All FUN and ZERO RISK. Apart from the RISK of piling on on those dreaded pounds. Never mind though, I'M eating for TWO AGAIN, so MORE FUN FOR ME!!"

Please dont say anything like this!

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 18/12/2019 19:04

Sorry cross posted just seen you wont

Original poster
Loveontherocks100 · 18/12/2019 19:04

hundredmiles

I’m
Not willing to just walk away because I am pregnant and we have a child together. And prior to these lies coming out we had a wonderful marriage. He has been my best friend and supporter and we have a fantastic time together. I want to at see a therapist and give it a few months and try to unravel if this is a lying thing, as in he has a problem which can be fixed; or if he cheated on me in which case it cannot.

I cannot just assume cheating and break up my family on that basis. Again I let him back in because I made a point that I was serious and I was allowing him back; because also we have a baby and a dog, he helps me with our son at the weekend or at 5/6am when he’s up, and his stuff is here etc.He is sleeping on the sofa though. Tbh even if we decide to divorce he would still probably live here for the foreseeable future just because of practicalities of a toddler and then a newborn.

Point taken re the office visit. I will say all of that to him.

OP posts:
peachypetite · 18/12/2019 19:06

Agree with every word by hundred miles an hour has just written.

Original poster
Loveontherocks100 · 18/12/2019 19:08

DH response re office visit btw is that around Christmas lots of people bring their children in, it’s perfectly normal, and as DS is so young it makes sense for me to be there. He said they are a close team and would be nice....

OP posts:
HundredMilesAnHour · 18/12/2019 19:14

So he said it's "not allowed" then he had "one-off permission from his boss" and now it's "perfectly normal"? He's not even consistent at lying!

I'm wondering actually if he's using this visit as a way of warning off the woman at work without him actually having to have a grown-up conversation with her. That seems like it would be his style, don't you think?

Original poster
Loveontherocks100 · 18/12/2019 19:17

Yes, I agree with everything in your post.

I did in fact point this out to him when he said his PA’s husband came fairly recently, but apparently he was hosted in a meeting room so it was different.

I’m
Pleased that you see the frustrations I am dealing with, with the most minor of exchanges.

OP posts:
JustASmallTownCurl · 18/12/2019 19:19

And prior to these lies coming out we had a wonderful marriage. He has been my best friend and supporter and we have a fantastic time together.

But my love you thought this and then it turned out that during the time you had a wonderful marriage, he had been lying to you. That's why this whole mess has come to a head now. Plus you said he was an arsehole for much of the time he was younger.

The trust has gone and he's not just lied, he's needlessly (and IMO cruelly) left seeds of doubt to hurt your confidence eg telling you she fancied him but not telling you he took her out etc.

I've been in your place and ended up totally obsessed with the other woman and their interactions. Drove me mad.

Now I'm happy and with someone lovely. I look back and cringe at even considering things like going into the office dressed up and feeling sick if she's there but also sick if she's not there etc. You shouldn't have to be dealing with all that.

Once the trust has gone it's really, really hard to get back.

ballsdeep · 18/12/2019 19:53

I had visions of the friends, ross/Rachel situation where he visits her office with a live bug and a barbershop quartet 😳😳😳

oofadoofa · 18/12/2019 19:53

Chill out. Sounds like it’s just a bit of flirty fun, he can’t really be expected to give you a daily rundown of every conversation he’s had with every colleague. You sound quite controlling.

Lifeisabeach09 · 18/12/2019 19:55

It does seem like a 'pick me dance' to me.
You seem a bit obsessed with this woman, tbh. You are giving her way too much headspace.
What will you suss out by going to the office??? Nothing.
Go, look great but don't reinforce the wifey shit by taking a baked cake, FFS. In fact, stop the damn baking (for the office) all together. It's Stepford wife shit.
Just to add, it is far, far easier to break up when the children are young than when they are older.
And, lastly, don't waste the rest of your youth on someone who takes you for granted and who you distrust.

sauvignonandcheesecake · 19/12/2019 05:55

Good luck for today if you go in and please keep us posted. It's a shame you don't have cloak of invisibility - that would be the best way to see what really goes down in his office. I would love to follow my DH around all day to see what he's like when he thinks I'm not there and if he has any dodgy banter. I like to think he doesn't but who ever really knows these things for sure........

JoanBonJovi · 19/12/2019 06:26

Agree the baking is sad. His work is nothing to do with you

Original poster
Loveontherocks100 · 19/12/2019 06:37

@joanbonjovi

All you do is post bitchy comments. Baking is sad, being a housewife is unattractive.

What is your problem?

I bake because, pre DS, I had a fairly successful baking video channel on YouTube. It’s my hobby and my thing. His work is nothing to do with me but his team love my baking and it’s a great way to bake with people actually enjoying the results. It’s actually been good for DH too as even senior management email or comment on some of the baking sometimes / it’s like a good little topic of convo for him.

You are a very nasty person!

OP posts:
sauvignonandcheesecake · 19/12/2019 06:54

I think baking for people is good and in all my workplaces has always gone down really well - people love it! I don't think it matters if it's a man or a woman who has baked - people just appreciate it. At one place I worked it was my colleague's grandma who provided most of the nice food that appeared (although I abstained as I worry about home baking when I haven't seen the kitchen it's come from in case there are loads of animals in there or something.......)

Original poster
Loveontherocks100 · 19/12/2019 07:01

@sauvignon

Yes - this is how it was in my former work place too, and how it is for DH! People just like to snack

OP posts:
MurrayTheMonk · 19/12/2019 07:44

Late to this but just wanted to offer some solidarity to the OP really.
I was in a similar position with my exh.
We had two small kids. He started developing severe mentionitus about a very attractive woman at his work. They were doing a course and 'supporting each other' through that. Then she started confiding in him about issues in her family, talking to him about her interests and finally about the troubles in her marriage. I knew all of this as he told me-I think he thought telling me would make it ok somehow. He started inviting her out when we went out with our friends. He even invited her to our house for dinner. It was immensely uncomfortable for me as it was palpable that there was something between them.
It all came to a head when we were away staying with family one weekend. She called him at 5am one morning. He leapt out of bed and was downstairs talking to her for an hour or so. She had had some drama on a night out.
I was very upset. exh asked his brother to tell me I was being ridiculous. His brother sided with me and said that was h was doing wasn't appropriate.

He kind of knocked it on the head then and even started saying that the woman was a bit unstable and he hasn't realised etc etc.

I found it all deeply upsetting. I felt betrayed and second best at at time when I needed him the most-we had two under two.

He denied anything had ever happened and denied being attracted to her. Although a drunken conversation with one of our mutual friends confirmed that he had said to others that he fancied her.

During our divorce he actually confessed that something had gone on but later retracted that. It didn't matter by then really and I'm as sure as I can be that something wasn't right.

It wasn't what ended our marriage but it started the end, as it ate away at my self esteem, the way I thought of him, (how different he was at work from the person he pretended to be at home etc), trust in the relationship....all of that.

Lots of it was done in plain sight-so things like your office visit were encouraged. I cringe now when I think what a dick I must have looked to him and to her.

I hope nothing has happened between your h and this woman OP. But just be mindful that the way he has allowed you to feel about this and how he has played it out can be extremely detrimental. And you don't need to feel bad about that at all.

Original poster
Loveontherocks100 · 19/12/2019 07:55

@MurrayTheMonk

I’m so sorry to hear about your experience, it sounds horrendous. It’s very difficult to feel like you are hurt and betrayed and there is no “tangible reason” that other people would accept. Not that it should matter; but it matters I suppose in having the courage of your convictions to walk away. Particularly a headfuck how he seemingly confessed and then retracted. Poor you. Difficult to hear he fancied her from others but he didn’t have the respect to say it himself.

Some of the answers on this thread show I suppose that it’s hard to understand the feeling of betrayal “just” from lying and suspicions, if you haven’t been there yourself. I’m sorry for anyone on here who has experienced similar

OP posts:
MurrayTheMonk · 19/12/2019 08:06

Yes it was pretty awful.
And yet I buried it at the time. I felt I couldn't split my family up over something that (allegedly) wasn't quite an affair, or that I couldn't prove. So I sort of chose to believe him.

He even accused me of making up the whole conversation with the mutual friend. I absolutely hadn't. But he denied it so strongly and just wouldn't have that that was what had been said, so that even though there were witnesses, I almost started to think maybe I had misheard it! Such was the head fuckery...

Over time though as the kids got older and I got a bit stronger I found I couldn't forget it completely-and more unsettling was the way he had two different personalities-one at home, one out of the home-and they didn't match. It meant I lost trust in him completely and started to like him less and less.

As it turned out I was entirely correct to do so. The 'lovely guy' that my friends and family knew him to be ended up being pretty unpleasant- and obviously during the divorce the gloves came off and much more of that was revealed.

But this is a man I've known since we were at school. Even now I sometimes can't compute what I thought him to be vs the reality of what he is. He is very good at dissembling, saying what people want to hear, appearing to be what he is not.... I have to co parent with him and it's quite tiring- though as time goes on I'm learning to distance myself from him and not overthink what he is up to as much.As long as our girls are ok-then that's the end of it. I don't let him in my mind as much anymore and it's a much better place to be as a result!

Original poster
Loveontherocks100 · 19/12/2019 08:11

@MurrayTheMonk

God - the part about knowing him from school and the different personalities is so real for me.

All I can say is I’m sorry to hear about it - it sounds truly trying, snd well done for walking away.

OP posts:
Original poster
Loveontherocks100 · 19/12/2019 08:13

He even accused me of making up the whole conversation with the mutual friend

Why do they have to be such colossal shits

OP posts:
YappityYapYap · 19/12/2019 08:20

I didn't read the whole thread because it has almost 500 comments and assumed the OP would have the main details. If it helps at all, I know a Polish woman that always bakes cakes for people (men and women) and ends her messages with ;). Is it a cultural thing perhaps? She is definitely happily married and wouldn't look twice at anyone else

Pinkette06 · 19/12/2019 08:54

Didn't want to read and run so Flowers for you op. I hope it goes well.

sauvignonandcheesecake · 19/12/2019 08:58

@Loveontherocks100 always trust your gut instinct with women like this. She sounds like the "dog whistle" woman that has been referred to previously on mumsnet. That's a manipulative woman who all the men think is lovely, fun, thoughtful and sweet but all the women see straight through. Then if we say anything about her we are bitchy and jealous. Will try and link to the article.

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