I feel like he has cheated

[Loveontherocks100]

Please bear with me because this is quite long, and probably seems very stupid, but I really really can’t get over my husband lying to me/convince myself he didn’t have at best an emotional or worst a physical affair. Let me preface this by saying he works VERY long hours 8-10pm average so always at work. We have 1 baby and 1 on the way.

3 years ago he told me a (young, pretty) colleague at work (we are now 30 for context), had baked him a cake especially for him as he was moving Desk. He was teasing me that she fancied him. I thought this was quite inappropriate of her/an overreaction to a colleague (he’s her direct boss) so asked him to just shut it down. He said he did.

A year later I found an exchange of emails BY ACCIDENT (which I posted about at the time) where she asked if he was coming for drinks and he effectively said he was very sad he couldn’t because I was pregnant. Poor him. She replied “no risk no fun” and there was a great deal of winky emojis and all fairly inappropriate. Given the cake incident I was displeased and said I wanted him to stop indulging in flirting with a colleague he had said fancied him. A few months later he said she left the team for another one.

9 months later I basically find out (not from him) that she has been working for him all along. They sit near each other. He has repeatedly lied to me about it. He has been going for drinks with her and (supposedly) other colleagues. Going to nightclubs with her (and other colleagues) and lying about it whilst I’m at home with our baby.

It’s been months since I find this out and I just can’t get over it. It probably seems so small and stupid but I had to DRAG the information out of him with irrefutable proof. He just denied denied denied then said “oh I didn’t remember” blah blah blah and now I am just convinced in my mind they must have slept together at least once or kissed or flirted.

I don’t understand why else the flirting emails, the cake, the lies!?!

Am I insane?

Op I'm swinging between feeling sorry for yiu and cringing for you.
I would be worried about going in and doing the pick me dance. He is constantly manipulating the situation and hasn't invited you in off his own back. He's done it because of a threat made by you. He's not doing it for your feelings or bevause he cares about you. He is a liar. My ex had an office affair and everyone, and I mwna everyone knew about it, however much they tried to cover it up. People could tell then I made a huge fool out of myself doing the same thing as you.

That is fine I will stop commenting but I will point out that I am one of the only ones that is Trying to give him the benefit of the doubt and for you both to move on.

I turn in my sleep the amount of relationships that may have ended when the needn't have (abusive and hard evidence aside, obviously they all need to end) just because the mob culture of mumsnet tells you that he has cheated on you!

Anyway I really do hope it all works out for you. X

But your benefit of the doubt basically accuses me of being upset for nothing, and ignoring the months upon months of lies.

I don’t just want to hear one thing; no. I am happy to hear things and would love to believe we can work it out. But I also don’t think it’s right to just eschew him of the responsibility of massively lying! And your comment re “using” my son was uncalled for.

What kind of man intentionally unsettles his wife by telling her that another woman fancies him? What kind of man lies to his wife for a year about the presence of said woman in his life?

He is a man who is capable of much deception and manipulation to meet his narcissistic needs. Even now he is attempting to reel you back in. This is a very unhealthy relationship model to show your children.

I don't think you should go in because IF there is something brewing between him and this woman why give them something else to bond over? I've RTFT and everything you've said makes me think he's a lying buffoon but he hasn't crossed that line yet. Don't push them together even more so she ends up being the one who sympathises that his wife rightly doesn't trust him and offers a shoulder and more to cry on. Save your self-respect and thrash it out in those counselling sessions, not in his office.

PS> You look amazing in both outfits.

Sorry yes in hindsight it was uncalled for I do apologise for that.

I understand that the lies are what is hurting you but as many peoe pointed out what is going to the office going to achieve in regards to the lies.

He can work on the lies in counselling so I would just put the whole thing with this woman behind you and work on his compulsive lying, then you can move on and hopefully be happy again :)

“Show off ds”. Hmm. People are just polite and not so interested in your kid. Honestly. Sorry.

joanbonjovi

The quotes were because DH has had several requests to bring him in! Maybe they are just polite but his PA bought her son in too. Seems the done thing. But thank you

What are you thinking re office trip? I just worry if there is something going on you’ll feel that people know.

Op I'm swinging between feeling sorry for yiu and cringing for you.

Same here. He has literally thrown you a few bones and you are running for it.
Someone up thread said that he knows how to manage you and he certainly does.
-He knew exactly how to manipulate you to come to the scan

• All of a sudden the rules were bent so you could come to his office. Why now?

What's the urgency?

• Why the offer of counselling now?
• He has even told you that the marriage is good because he can manage you.

You do realise that absolutely none of the above explains the lies that he previously told you? And those were lies. He is now attempting to get you to move on from it, whilst not explaining it. He kept a lie until you found out, hes fantasized about her and even given her a porn name. What about the messages. None of that is explained to you but hes 'managing' you right now.

Whilst you are trying to decide what dress you should wear, hes sitting there thinking that was easy enough. I think you know him well enough to know the truth.
If anything counselling will reveal more of what he is.
I do hope for you that this was all just a misunderstanding and you are not back here posting a third time about the same issue. x

I think your reaction to the cake and the e-mails was a bit of an over reaction. She made him a cake, big deal. She asked if he was joining her and others for drinks and made a joke, big deal. I don't understand why he couldn't go because you were pregnant? I wouldn't stop my DH going anywhere just because I was pregnant. I would certainly encourage him to go to a works night out at least. As long as he wasn't tanking the booze every night or a fair few times a week, it wouldn't bother me.

Is he now in a position that he almost has to lie or there's a huge argument or you aren't happy? He works with her and can't change that unless he finds another job. I think saying she had moved to another team was to stop you asking most likely and get you off his back. I had an ex boyfriend years a go when I was younger that took a real dislike to a male colleague of mine for little reason. I think it started because the male colleague bought me a pair of gloves because I moaned it was cold all the time. There was nothing in it, just work mates. He was on my case all the time about it and making me miserable so I lied and said he'd went to work in another department. I felt like I had no choice because he saw being bought a pair of gloves and maybe one or two texts a week as a full blown affair. It was ridiculous and we aren't together now as you can imagine.

^^^This.. Maybe just put slightly nicer than I had but again I apologise for this :) ^^

I don't understand all the flack you are getting for going into the office. If nothing has ever happened then this is just a normal occurance of a wife meeting her DH for lunch and saying hello. I've met colleague's spouses at work when they have popped in. It will be useful to gage his reaction and meet the OW I really don't see a downside.

I do think it's odd that if all this is innocent why is he offering to move jobs.

oneday

His excuse for everything is that she was inappropriate and he was too much of a coward to say anything. And he panicked and didn’t want me to know he hadn’t said anything and he just didn’t want me to be upset so he lied and said they weren’t working together

yappity

Have you read the full thread?

He didn’t go for the drinks because it was around my due date, and because he works until 10pm most nights and therefore we have very little time together anyway and he wants to spend his time with me. I did not ask him
Not to go/he declined without even mentioning the drinks to me. Whcih is why him acting like he was sad not to especially stung. Please just read the whole
Thread I really can’t be bothered to explain again how he pretended she didn’t even work there for 9 months and took her to his members club blah blah blah.

tikitent

Yes, this is how I saw it too

Is he just trying to placate you with this office visit?
There's nothing worse than being with a liar - it can drive you to the brink! I've been there.
I really feel for you OP.

And yappity your situation doesn’t sound the same. My husband has a wife at home with a baby. He shouldn’t be gallivanting around town / I barely see him as it is. He has a very good social life with his friends etc and does go out with colleagues which is fine, but lying is not. I really have never been hassling him
Or jealous.

Did you miss the part where he told me she fancied him?

He blames his need to lie to avoid any sort of dialogue from playing piggy in the middle in his parent’s acrimonious divorce (his father was a serial cheat)

OP please don’t go in all dressed up and talking about risk and cake baking, you will come across as unhinged.

tikitent I don't think OP is getting flak, it's more posters are questioning whether it's wise and healthy for her. I wouldn't do it in this situation because I would be worried DH and this woman would talk about it afterwards and be brought closer together. Especially as OP seems intent on making some kind of biting remark to her to make herself feel better about the situation. I just think that's a recipe for even more hurt. What's that saying? When they go low, you go high. OP should save her anger for the counselling sessions.

I’ve told him I’m not sure about going and he is insistent that it will make me feel better to remove the mystery of the office and meet her and everyone else

I really don't understand you OP. You did really well that evening when you locked him out (and stuck to your word) but since then you seem to be going backwards. He is managing you big time and you seem to be falling for it. I don't understand why you let him back in but it was clear once you did that he was in control again. You seem to fall for his lines every time.

This office visit is meaningless. It's just him managing you. I used to work in that industry and it will really make you look very off. Giving your wife a tour of the office? Bizarre. That's a red flag to everyone working there. They'll know there's a problem in your marriage if he has to show 'wifey' where he works. If meeting his colleagues mattered, he would have arranged an event a long time ago. And using your child as an excuse to go to the office? That's just low. No-one is interested in your son (or anyone else's child). They're just being polite but they'll all be bitching afterwards. Most of them will know he's been having an affair/flirtation so your visit will be a rich source of entertainment for them. It's a brutal, bitchy, competitive world and the only loser in this game is you. I worked in this industry for many years and know a lot of men like your husband. Unfortunately it seems to attract a certain sort of arsehole. They then marry a trophy wife, have a few photogenic kids and happily shag around on the side (usually with some ambitious intern/grad who thinks shagging them will help their career). Everyone gossips about it but it's nothing new.

You say you hate him but it's clear that you're not willing to walk away. Whether that's because of the lifestyle money or some other reason but he knows he has you back under his control again. You had your little overnight rebellion but that lasted less than 12 hours.

Separate to the counselling you have booked, I really think you need to get some therapy just for you. You need to understand why you are allowing this man to treat you this way and why you stay with him. You seem like a nice person. Don't you think you deserve better than this?

I am definitely NOT Going to say anything if I go. For sure not / you’ve made me see sense. I will just be nice to everyone and treat it like a visit I would have liked to have done anyone in nicer times.

On Monday I am going to absolutely let things explode at counselling though. I really really really really really want some professional advice on wtf to do about this situation

If he's insisting, that'd make me more wary of going in, not less. My money's on him warning her beforehand and then claiming ignorance ("she must've popped out, I have no idea why she wasn't there!"/"she had an urgent appointment and had to leave early"). Then you can't complain to him that she wasn't there without looking like you're accusing him again, and he'll play the victim even more. This is such a bad idea, OP.

*I am definitely NOT Going to say anything if I go. For sure not / you’ve made me see sense. I will just be nice to everyone and treat it like a visit I would have liked to have done anyone in nicer times.

On Monday I am going to absolutely let things explode at counselling though. I really really really really really want some professional advice on wtf to do about this situation*

Good! Glad you're not going to say anything to her and good that you're going to give him both barrels at counselling. Even if he is completely innocent – and I still don't think he's been unfaithful in the traditional sense, just stupid – the fact that he is knowingly causing you stress by lying about her is awful. He dropped the grenade by saying she fancied him and everything he's done since has been to make you think you're unreasonable. He should be damn lucky you never changed the locks the night you threw him out!