I feel like he has cheated

[Loveontherocks100]

Please bear with me because this is quite long, and probably seems very stupid, but I really really can’t get over my husband lying to me/convince myself he didn’t have at best an emotional or worst a physical affair. Let me preface this by saying he works VERY long hours 8-10pm average so always at work. We have 1 baby and 1 on the way.

3 years ago he told me a (young, pretty) colleague at work (we are now 30 for context), had baked him a cake especially for him as he was moving Desk. He was teasing me that she fancied him. I thought this was quite inappropriate of her/an overreaction to a colleague (he’s her direct boss) so asked him to just shut it down. He said he did.

A year later I found an exchange of emails BY ACCIDENT (which I posted about at the time) where she asked if he was coming for drinks and he effectively said he was very sad he couldn’t because I was pregnant. Poor him. She replied “no risk no fun” and there was a great deal of winky emojis and all fairly inappropriate. Given the cake incident I was displeased and said I wanted him to stop indulging in flirting with a colleague he had said fancied him. A few months later he said she left the team for another one.

9 months later I basically find out (not from him) that she has been working for him all along. They sit near each other. He has repeatedly lied to me about it. He has been going for drinks with her and (supposedly) other colleagues. Going to nightclubs with her (and other colleagues) and lying about it whilst I’m at home with our baby.

It’s been months since I find this out and I just can’t get over it. It probably seems so small and stupid but I had to DRAG the information out of him with irrefutable proof. He just denied denied denied then said “oh I didn’t remember” blah blah blah and now I am just convinced in my mind they must have slept together at least once or kissed or flirted.

I don’t understand why else the flirting emails, the cake, the lies!?!

Am I insane?

Her

Don’t go in.
It will be tantamount to you doing the ‘pick me’ dance, and your arrogant dh will no doubt get a buzz from seeing you both psychologically circling each other.
You’re the wife, she’s not worth your time or energy.
Save yourself for the counselling session and whatever comes after on your relationship.

Incidentally, you look amazing in the black outfit

if there are regulatory requirements around "chinese walls" in his office not allowing family then it cannot be allowed as a one off, and if it's not a regulatory requirement then I imagine there have been many one off allowances eg at Christmas ; which he didn't tell you about. If it is allowed then people need to be signed in obviously but if the absolutely are never allowed then why the sudden one off - it doesn't ring true to me.

this does suggest that he's doing it to appease you in some way.

(You do look amazing) and certainly nothing to be concerned on from that point.

I prefer the grey one, but I'm gonna agree with gato - it is a literal version of the pick me dance. He'll watch you dress up and get off on how bothered you are by her. And she either won't be there, or he'll also tell her and watch her doll herself up as well. Ego kibbles (see the link) for him.

www.chumplady.com/2012/04/the-humiliating-dance-of-pick-me/

www.chumplady.com/2012/04/ego-kibbles/

Please be careful OP.

She might not remember a phrase she used once in an email a fairly long time ago. She might be really busy. You steps going to be trying to analyse everything, but unless you're trained in detecting lying etc, if you don't know her, how are you going to tell if she is acting shifty or that's just the way she is? Eg she might blush - she might be like that with everyone. If you make some comment about her making cakes it might make you look a bit unhinged if other people dont know the background - how dare you give my husband some cake! She might love baking and bake for other people all the time.
Bottom line is, if it was just a bit of flirting, if you say anything to her, it might seem over the top. If it's more and she is really after your husband, I'm not sure anything changes, she already knows he has a wife and child - if she is a bitch then actually seeing them wont make any difference to her. You also don't want to give her any excuse to be able to laugh about 'the boss's crazy paranoid wife' (not saying you are at all by the way).
If you do go in, I'd just be pleasant and friendly - no digs or quotes from her emails

Hi op just wanted to say you look amazing !!!!! I would defo go with the grey dress . If I was you I would go there looking my best . I would prob end up wanting to punch her face in 😂. Hmmmm you will be able to tell straight away from the way she is with you if something has happened or is . I reckon if there is she will ignore you . Plus take in what your husband is like . Bet defo make it look like you two are really happy . Just to piss her off I don't even know her but hate her already . Xxx

Thank you for the compliments - my self esteem has taken a huge dive from all of this, and combined with the pregnancy weight I really shouldn’t have gained already, I am not feeling even remotely near my best. You’re all very kind and it’s really appreciated.

@BeyondFlubeInclusionaryRF

Let me read those links

Yes if you say something they will all know that's why you went in and it would not make you look good..

Just go in as if nothing had happened I would say act like a happy couple but you shouldn't have to act like it. If you are going to give things a try and you need carry on as you were befor. Be the happy family you want to be and on the off chance something did go on make him and the rest of the office see what he has to lose!

I’m saying this from a familiar place; don’t go into his work. Don’t be laughing a tinkly laugh and don’t expect her to be there because your husband will tip her off and she will run.

When I did this to my XH’s EA I felt like I’d been run over by a bus, a car and a tractor and I wasn’t pregnant. So really - resist.

Much like embarking on an affair the shitty reality trumps the sassy fantasy every time. Even if you wow and sparkle and delight you’ll still feel rattled and upset, and things may be forced and stilted.

With the best will in the world sit this out. You already have all the evidence you need to know a mark has been over stepped with this girl and even if she is there as if your presence will make any difference to what’s going on.

Yes, it would be incongruent and dysfunctional to go there and play the close couple when in reality you are in a crisis. You are still allowing him to manipulate you, and he will enjoy seeing you play the ‘Pick Me Dance.’

Those links are excellent, thank you. Much of it resonates with me.

Darling I loved doing what you're doing and imagining all the ways I'd get one over on her! It helps, it genuinely helps the pain. I know this.

But it's in your mind, it won't be like that in real life.

1. She prob won't be there
2. She'll look down on you and laugh that you don't know the truth
3. She won't give a fuck whether "little wifie" is there or not. She sees him way more than you do.
4. She'll feel sorry for you

It is as everyone is telling you "The Pick Me Dance"

Do not go. Nothing good is going to come out of it. Just play the imagination game in your head.

He'll be loving it!

When I did this to my XH’s EA I felt like I’d been run over by a bus, a car and a tractor and I wasn’t pregnant. So really - resist

Could you please elaborate? Interested to know what happened

Yeah.. I'm sorry OP but I can't see how this will turn out in your favour. Like others have said, she might deliberately not be there. Or if she is and you get one of the sly digs out, it may not reflect well on you in the long run.

You do look amazing in both outfits though - especially considering you're expecting. You deserve better and I really hope the therapy is a positive experience for you.

I don’t know what she has to do with it really.

This is down to your husband only. It is up to him to behave in a way that values your relationship. It is up to him to put boundaries in place with women who fancy him. It is up to him to make it clear to coworkers that he’s in a happy stable relationship.

You’re going in to put on a show, and at your insistence, it’s not as if he even invited you in order to put your mind at rest.

Is it the pick me dance though? It’s not about keeping him, it’s more just about seeing what’s going on I suppose/maybe scaring him about what I might say.

Like if nothing has happened it’s just his nice wife going there isn’t it? If something has really happened then maybe I look stupid but who cares, he’s cheated then and needs to leave.

I’m mostly hoping the therapist somehow makes him tell me if there’s something to tell... is this unlikely?

it’s not as if he even invited you in order to put your mind at rest

No. This is very true. He mentioned me coming in at Christmas with our son last year in happier times but that didn’t happen..funnily enough..

She won't give a fuck whether "little wifie" is there or not. She sees him way more than you do

Well if she is just fancying him and being inappropriate this doesn’t matter - I have what she might want. The issue is if they have done more. But it’s not like he has left me for her. God I hate Him.

Wise words from GatoFofo and DogLady; it might all sound tempting in prospect, but he will of course have worked out exactly why you want to visit and will arrange things accordingly

I am now really upset because now I think perhaps the PA was so sweet yesterday as she has a son my age and feels sorry for me! And perhaps his colleague who was standoffish was because she is good friends with this bloody woman (Whcih she is).

Fuck

@Loveontherocks100

I went along to the Xmas Party for his work to “surprise” him; I gave him the notice I’d be there in 5 and by the time I arrived she was half out the door but drunk mates and colleagues were slowing her departure down.

I recognised one of the chums and joined in with the bants and made sure I did lots of “isn’t this fun” faces at her; I wasn’t hostile at all.

She left and honestly about 5 mins later I went to the loo and she was there, faffing beside the entrance calling an Uber. I just pointed at her and said “I know what’s going on” and that was that. She resigned about 6 weeks later.

Me saying that to her didn’t make me feel better and I was quaking inside so don’t remember her reaction.

But - get this - she now lives in the borough I just moved from. I saw her on the High St and she clocked me her face just drained. Six years on.

I had to take 5 in the adjacent Pret to stop shaking as the whole time around that exchange was such a lousy part of my life and I felt pissed off she was on “my” patch (again) if that makes sense?

Anyway, I’ve moved on now, in every way. Still got the shaky hands typing this though. I know that wouldn’t be the case if I’d never had that interaction with her. She’d still be an abstract.

You really need to calm down here.. Again you just claimed you hate him for something he may or may not have done.. How is you going there going to help you know what's happening. Unless your going with a colour chart to stick against their faces to see what shade of red they are.

She is hardly going to slap his arse while you are there to give you the proof that you want..

I don't want to sound harsh but if you came into my office and acted like this it would be your husband I would be feeling sorry for not you!

You can't have a relationship without trust.. Whether you wrongly or right don't trust him not is irrelevant. The point is you don't and even if nothing happened you will forever convince yourself that it has.

It may not be for the right reasons but you should end this relationship OP none of you can currently live the way you are now.

I mean what can possibly happen from this point to convince you he didn't do anything?... Nothing is my guess so therfore it's game over I'm afraid!

You have to make that decision now.. You drop it and move on or you leave?

"Ah! You must be the cake baker! Well now it's MY turn to deliver the treats. All FUN and ZERO RISK. Apart from the RISK of piling on on those dreaded pounds. Never mind though, I'M eating for TWO AGAIN, so MORE FUN FOR ME!!"

This with bells on

Just for a moment just put yourself in his shoes and let's just say for arguments sake that nothing happened... How crazy do you look coming from his point of view?

I really don't mean to be harsh but it's clearly killing you inside right now and is all you can think about.

@amd4578

Are you for reals?! “Whether you rightly or wrongly don’t trust him”?! HE LIED TO ME REPEATEDLY FOR THE BEST PART OF A YEAR!!!!!

I hate him because he LIED. He broke what I thought was a perfect relationship by completely shattering any and all trust in him through these lies.

Honestly I am happy to have advice given but saying you would feel sorry for my husband and acting like I am unfair to distrust him is bananas.