I feel like he has cheated

[Loveontherocks100]

Please bear with me because this is quite long, and probably seems very stupid, but I really really can’t get over my husband lying to me/convince myself he didn’t have at best an emotional or worst a physical affair. Let me preface this by saying he works VERY long hours 8-10pm average so always at work. We have 1 baby and 1 on the way.

3 years ago he told me a (young, pretty) colleague at work (we are now 30 for context), had baked him a cake especially for him as he was moving Desk. He was teasing me that she fancied him. I thought this was quite inappropriate of her/an overreaction to a colleague (he’s her direct boss) so asked him to just shut it down. He said he did.

A year later I found an exchange of emails BY ACCIDENT (which I posted about at the time) where she asked if he was coming for drinks and he effectively said he was very sad he couldn’t because I was pregnant. Poor him. She replied “no risk no fun” and there was a great deal of winky emojis and all fairly inappropriate. Given the cake incident I was displeased and said I wanted him to stop indulging in flirting with a colleague he had said fancied him. A few months later he said she left the team for another one.

9 months later I basically find out (not from him) that she has been working for him all along. They sit near each other. He has repeatedly lied to me about it. He has been going for drinks with her and (supposedly) other colleagues. Going to nightclubs with her (and other colleagues) and lying about it whilst I’m at home with our baby.

It’s been months since I find this out and I just can’t get over it. It probably seems so small and stupid but I had to DRAG the information out of him with irrefutable proof. He just denied denied denied then said “oh I didn’t remember” blah blah blah and now I am just convinced in my mind they must have slept together at least once or kissed or flirted.

I don’t understand why else the flirting emails, the cake, the lies!?!

Am I insane?

He is much more at fault!

I used to work in IBD at one of the bulge bracket firms. The guys seemed to get married quite young, the relationships were close between men and the far fewer women. Everyone from VP upwards (well, 95% anyway) was married, occasionally to a colleague, sometimes to a wife who had been an assistant when they had joined straight from university. About a third of the MDs were having affairs. Mostly not with women in the office. Lots of either harmless or one sided casual flirting but mostly to while away a boring job with long hours and a lot of waiting around.

One of the least pleasant MDs had four kids that I would see him with his wife at drinks - and occasionally saw him in Kensington gardens at the weekend with a buggy and a couple of the children either side. I went to a wedding in the US for one of my team and he brought his mistress to it as his plus one. Married family men who are treated like they are top of the tree 70 hours a week can still be scum. I don’t doubt he loved his wife at all - he just felt entitled to do whatever he wanted because he paid for them to live in a super luxe house, had lots of babies with her and was probably quite loving at home. He was nice to his PA. Foul to everyone else.

What they don’t like is being taken for the lot in a divorce - they may cheat but divorce is very embarrassing and expensive. And HR don’t like unprofessional behaviour either. One guy was sacked the day before bonus time and lost his all share options because of overdoing the in-office shagging.

"....she should just feel a but awkward and stay away from him. "

Again, a good man resists any advances. An honest, faithful and kind man of good character does not do what he did. There could be other women who come along and fancy him... What then? Is it all their fault if he pulls the same crap a second time.... a third time.... you can't control all eventualities. You can't make her stay away from him.. you can't make anyone else do your bidding.... you can only control yourself.

And your husband is not a 13 year old who needs reining in.

@nutcrackerz

Oh my god what a nasty, nasty bastard to take his mistress as a plus one 😱

@Gemma1971

I completely agree with you!!! I am just trying to find a way to mentally manage in my head the short term I can “control” Or to make myself somehow, SOMEHOW feel better short term, as well as the long term “can this marriage actually be saved?” Thinking, talking, counselling, waiting and seeing I suppose.

And there lies the problem op, if she's not there you'll think he lied, he tells you you can't go on the office floor, so you google because he lies. That's no way to live

I get that but it would the talk of the office. Office gossip is toxic and can cause a horrendous working environment. This in turn will effect the work he does as much as you say you would not want it too.

You also said it yourself PROBABLY FLIRTING. Imagine walking up and saying to someone how dare you probably flirt with my husband! Also if nothing has happened imagine what his colleagues are going to think of you and what they may say to him about you. Without knowing the context of it all they may all think that you are the controlling one that wont let him talk to other women or anything. This may then put ideas in your husbands head that they could be right and he may see you in a different light.

Im not at all saying all that would happen and i know that is a bit extreme, but is it really worth it to make a sly katty comment to her?

Whatever you do - just don’t make a scene and don’t start questioning her over a years ago cake and a message. It will only embarrass you and make you to look a little less than hinged.
Will also give the whole office a reason to both make fun and sympathise with him.
Do you really want all of the females in the office teasing and empathising with him?

Your best offence is to look happy and composed. And demonstrate togetherness and your ‘ownership makes of him by being totally cool and happy. Happy family unit, child, smiling and united - is the best possible defence and offence.
Attempts of threat - shows weakness and insecurity.

Ok, good, no catty comment then!

But if I meet her eg introduced should I be friendly?!

-But if I meet her eg introduced should I be friendly?!-

Yes, I'm not sure how you could word it so she knows you know.

@Loveontherocks100 on the upside, everyone - senior and junior, male and female - thought he was awful for doing it. It did him no favours at all with the firm. And was unusual enough to really get the jaws on the floor.

FWIW, counselling will be a good thing - if you can summon a jokey “oh DH says you fancy him!” To this woman if you get to see her, her reaction will tell you everything. You need something to say and turn away immediately afterwards so you look confident and chilled. “Oh I’ve heard lots about you - DH tells me you have the hots for him! You have great taste. Oh [insert PA’s name], I meant to ask about your children when I saw you, I’m so sorry, I was distracted thinking about my scan / thinking up Xmas presents for DH’s mum - I brought you some champagne for putting up DH”.

Obviously you need a back up if the PA isn’t there.

If you come across as a bitch she might feel even more entitled to flirt with the poor guy whose nasty wife has ensnared him.

The main issue with making a comment to her is really that my husband is likely to go bright red and that won’t look great, no matter how cool I am

I think you should order some expensive home-baked cakes from one of those luxury bakeries that take special orders - or if you have time, talent and inclination, whip up a round of super delicious cupcakes yourself, and when you see her, be super smiley and friendly, and say

"Ah! You must be the cake baker! Well now it's MY turn to deliver the treats. All FUN and ZERO RISK. Apart from the RISK of piling on on those dreaded pounds. Never mind though, I'M eating for TWO AGAIN, so MORE FUN FOR ME!!"

And laugh. And give a winky smile. Nobody else but her will know WTAF you are on about... and see how she reacts then...

Please please please IGNORE HER COMPLETELY if she is there.

She is beneath your notice. Vaguely hold out a hand and look either at her shoulder or the air to the left of her neck.

Do not make any comments or cause a scene. You are too cool.

.. and throw in "home baked is ALWAYS best, don't you think ?"

gemma

I have been baking stuff every week since the summer / so not sure I will bother taking anything tomorrow, although I like the idea. I actually made Lebkuchen last week for the team as she’s German so felt like it was a special fuck you.

God that makes me sound pathetic. Made me feel better though...

I would mostly love to just say, when introduced, after a few seconds as though it takes a while to click/I haven’t looked her up online, “ahhh yes, you’re no risk no fun” and then laugh and talk to someone else. But I do take other posters points into consideration so probably best not.

If she’s not there I don’t even know what to say ... I would feel completely played by him ... Becuase I will feel like he somehow planned for her not to be there

But why wouldn't he plan for her to be absent if that's what would suit him best? As someone who's said quite frankly that he's "good at controlling you" he's already talking a skilled game to keep you onside and minimise damage to himself, and so far it's working just fine with him attending the scan, planning Christmas Day and so on

Sadly, I suspect this is all going to be swept under the carpet - until the next time

Hmm. Fair enough. If you can manage a “oh he’s blushing, bless” great - but if not, then cheerful normal oblivious looking questions to her are the way forward. What is she up to for Christmas, will she have to go far, has she got children, will she get a good chance for a rest over the Christmas break, oh those sound like fun plans / how peaceful for you, much nicer than the usual bunfight. Blah blah. Light, professional small talk.

You just don’t want to flounder for chat. And depends how you feel on the day as to whether you want to poke the bear or not.

I will also obviously play mega happy families with DH the whole time which is not ideal.

Yes you want to go in looking great and then having the other women in your office tell him that he's punching above his weight and that how nice you seemed...

Not the whispers around the office of oh did you see his wife he's well under the thumb and what a cow doing that to poor... Whatever her name is...

Again the be prepared for her to be on her lunch break especially if nothing has gone on.. Why would he let you come and embarrass the poor girl if all she has done has been a little flirty with him!

Ohhh - what if she mentions my Lebkuchen?! Surely I can say “didn’t you bake something for my husband once? That was strange! Haha”

Yes you want to go in looking great and then having the other women in your office tell him that he's punching above his weight and that how nice you seemed

Yes! This would be perfect. I met a male boss of his once who said this but only in private so it would be nice if it was an office message, and that I’m so nice to bake for them all the time blah blah

I definitely don’t want it to seem like I’ve gone there to meet here which it would if I said something f