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Original poster

I feel like he has cheated

760 replies

Loveontherocks100 · 16/12/2019 10:45

Please bear with me because this is quite long, and probably seems very stupid, but I really really can’t get over my husband lying to me/convince myself he didn’t have at best an emotional or worst a physical affair. Let me preface this by saying he works VERY long hours 8-10pm average so always at work. We have 1 baby and 1 on the way.

3 years ago he told me a (young, pretty) colleague at work (we are now 30 for context), had baked him a cake especially for him as he was moving Desk. He was teasing me that she fancied him. I thought this was quite inappropriate of her/an overreaction to a colleague (he’s her direct boss) so asked him to just shut it down. He said he did.

A year later I found an exchange of emails BY ACCIDENT (which I posted about at the time) where she asked if he was coming for drinks and he effectively said he was very sad he couldn’t because I was pregnant. Poor him. She replied “no risk no fun” and there was a great deal of winky emojis and all fairly inappropriate. Given the cake incident I was displeased and said I wanted him to stop indulging in flirting with a colleague he had said fancied him. A few months later he said she left the team for another one.

9 months later I basically find out (not from him) that she has been working for him all along. They sit near each other. He has repeatedly lied to me about it. He has been going for drinks with her and (supposedly) other colleagues. Going to nightclubs with her (and other colleagues) and lying about it whilst I’m at home with our baby.

It’s been months since I find this out and I just can’t get over it. It probably seems so small and stupid but I had to DRAG the information out of him with irrefutable proof. He just denied denied denied then said “oh I didn’t remember” blah blah blah and now I am just convinced in my mind they must have slept together at least once or kissed or flirted.

I don’t understand why else the flirting emails, the cake, the lies!?!

Am I insane?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
10
SummerWhisper · 18/12/2019 14:24

I don't think it's a good idea. It's more manipulation from him. Suddenly you ARE allowed in a previously inaccessible office. He is constantly shifting the goalposts to keep you compliant and in your place. It's more smoke and mirrors to make you believe that everything is normal. It will be a room full of people who pity you, no matter how undoubtedly gorgeous your baby is. Keep your dignity and say no. Don't allow this humiliation.

Janus · 18/12/2019 14:29

I’m sorry but I would be prepared that she’d mysteriously not be there when you arrive and then you will feel even worse. That may be coincidence but it may be hard to believe.

Joeler · 18/12/2019 14:34

I agree with @SummerWhisper, it's very convenient that all of a sudden you are allowed in the office.Your husband has probably discussed with his boss that you are having a few trust issues in your relationship and has agreed to you coming in. It's highly unlikely that the OW will be there if you go in anyway. She'll be on training or something! Why should you have to put your best dress on and show how fabulous are,they should already know that from the way he talks about you and acts when you are not around!

Original poster
Loveontherocks100 · 18/12/2019 14:42

It’s definitely true I am not usually allowed in the office - it’s a financial office full of private info (I even googled to check). The boss made a Christmas allowance supposedly “as long as she doesn’t buy or sell shares”.

I am worried that I will look and fell fat as pregnant but not properly bump showing and she will think I am fat. But I also like the idea of showing my lovely son off. And ideally being able to make some sort of laughing “no risk no fun” comment to her.

This has happened though because I threatened him that If I didn’t have the opportunity to see her and have a word with her before Christmas, he would be allowed to stay for present opening then would have to fuck off. So could be related to that threat. But yes, perhaps she will be”at lunch” or otherwise.

OP posts:
Original poster
Loveontherocks100 · 18/12/2019 14:44

It’s also a test really - will I actually get to meet her and, will she act oddly around me

OP posts:
Greenkit · 18/12/2019 14:53

I know you will be fabulous, but feeling and looking your best will help.

Original poster
Loveontherocks100 · 18/12/2019 14:59

These are my only two options really - are either of these ok? I’m worried as I have a spare tyre from bloating but only 12 weeks so no proper bump and she is very slim so don’t want to feel chunky. Jeans are a bit tight now too and not big enough for maternity so I’m
Not really sure what else to do. Think black one maybe too try hard but not sure

I feel like he has cheated
I feel like he has cheated
OP posts:
Joeler · 18/12/2019 15:00

You already know she has flirted with your husband, even if she is there and acts cool and nicely towards you, you still have that information. If she is there and is aloof you could think she's acting out of guilt or she could be jealous that the wife has been brought in to be shown off.They have some sort of history (whether innocent or full blown affair) so by trying to interpret her reactions to establish how you should feel about your husband you're already on to a losing battle. There's nothing to be gained in this scenario,it'll just make you feel worse. Work on the trust first, she is insignificant. If he is a cheater, he would have found someone to flirt with if she hadn't been hired.There is nothing remarkable about this women, you should not care whether she thinks you are attractive or not.

Original poster
Loveontherocks100 · 18/12/2019 15:01

Other option but think it’s a bit dressier

I feel like he has cheated
I feel like he has cheated
OP posts:
Joeler · 18/12/2019 15:02

By the way, the outfit's nice Smile

Original poster
Loveontherocks100 · 18/12/2019 15:03

joeler

I know
That you are right - of course the counselling is much more important and the relationship is much more important and she doesn’t matter, but I will feel better for us to progress if 1) I see how his office is laid out in relation to her/how often they would interact due to this and 2) I manage to let her know I’m “on to her” and embarrass her a bit, if possible, as they still have to work togetheer

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Greenkit · 18/12/2019 15:04

I like the second one, black is slimming and appropriate for her funeral.

YoungHun · 18/12/2019 15:04

Darling, she won't be there. And you the "little woman" at home will be placated and manipulated as per normal.

I think you're best to go to the counselling and put it all behind you, as that's what you want. Pretend it never happened, until the next time :(

I feel so sorry for you, what a terrible position to be in, and pregnant too. What a coincidence you're now "allowed" in the office.

Bless you. At least your mum and RL friends are there for you.

Gemma1971 · 18/12/2019 15:05

So it's a trading floor? Mmmm... says a lot. I met a lot of very arrogant and entitled males when I was a trader. Horrible environment with a lot of backstabbing women, cocaine, expense accounts and affairs.

The black one looks great!

Original poster
Loveontherocks100 · 18/12/2019 15:07

It’s not an actual trading floor - he’s in a bank but not in trading itself. Another part of banking. His team is ironically very family focussed. senior men all married men and supposedly happy.

But yes, lots of arrogance, lots of nastiness. I am worried the black one is a little short if I’m bending over for DS!

OP posts:
Original poster
Loveontherocks100 · 18/12/2019 15:08

younghun

If she’s not there I don’t even know what to say...I would feel completely played by him

OP posts:
Joeler · 18/12/2019 15:11

The grey one is the best, but I really don't want you to go. I feel it's so demeaning and you should never have been put in this situation. Whatever you decide good luck.

ravenmum · 18/12/2019 15:12

So he has arranged this?
Why would you feel more played by him if she wasn't there? If she is there and well trained on how to act, or just grinning in your face, is that going to be better?

Original poster
Loveontherocks100 · 18/12/2019 15:17

ravenmum

Becuase I will feel like he somehow planned for her not to be there

OP posts:
Joeler · 18/12/2019 15:18

I'm going to stop posting now as I'm very aware I'm overly invested in somebody else's life but I just keep on thinking how vulnerable you are ( being pregnant). If you make the comment about " no fun, no risk" and they have had a full blown affair she will just pity you and think " ahh if she only knew the full story".

amd4578 · 18/12/2019 15:19

So you are desperate to say something witty to this woman who may or may not be there? This like you say would embarrass her and embarrass your husband but if it is an open office this could become quite a toxic place for them to work.

I am guessing this is what you are hoping for and then hoping he or she would leave? It is clear you have convinced yourself that something went on and you dont want him around her. Whether or not he has done something you are not going to be happy unless you end it with him or he leaves his job.

Why not just lay that down to him. if he really wants to be with you and it was nothing with her he will leave his job!

Original poster
Loveontherocks100 · 18/12/2019 15:19

@Joeler

That’s a good point...

OP posts:
Original poster
Loveontherocks100 · 18/12/2019 15:19

But if they had a full blown affair it’s the least of my problems

OP posts:
Original poster
Loveontherocks100 · 18/12/2019 15:21

@amd4578

Where are you getting that from? I 100% do NOT want him to leave! It’s an excellent job he loves and we have a baby on the way and another already, and a mortgage! If I wanted him to leave I would say.

I just want to make it clear to her that I know about her stupid comments and baking and probably flirting. That’s it. I don’t see why it would be toxic, she should just feel a but awkward and stay away from him. He supposedly has his own office now that’s not near her. I would also like to verify this.

OP posts:
Gemma1971 · 18/12/2019 15:25

Don't forget though OP, your husband is equally at fault here. Whatever happened between them, he chose to lie to you and spend time with her instead of at home, he chose to rub your nose in it by telling you about her fancying him etc. etc. and he chose to lie about time spent working which was actually spent out socialising doing who knows what.

She is at fault but so is he. A good man does not behave the way he has.