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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I feel like he has cheated

760 replies

Loveontherocks100 · 16/12/2019 10:45

Please bear with me because this is quite long, and probably seems very stupid, but I really really can’t get over my husband lying to me/convince myself he didn’t have at best an emotional or worst a physical affair. Let me preface this by saying he works VERY long hours 8-10pm average so always at work. We have 1 baby and 1 on the way.

3 years ago he told me a (young, pretty) colleague at work (we are now 30 for context), had baked him a cake especially for him as he was moving Desk. He was teasing me that she fancied him. I thought this was quite inappropriate of her/an overreaction to a colleague (he’s her direct boss) so asked him to just shut it down. He said he did.

A year later I found an exchange of emails BY ACCIDENT (which I posted about at the time) where she asked if he was coming for drinks and he effectively said he was very sad he couldn’t because I was pregnant. Poor him. She replied “no risk no fun” and there was a great deal of winky emojis and all fairly inappropriate. Given the cake incident I was displeased and said I wanted him to stop indulging in flirting with a colleague he had said fancied him. A few months later he said she left the team for another one.

9 months later I basically find out (not from him) that she has been working for him all along. They sit near each other. He has repeatedly lied to me about it. He has been going for drinks with her and (supposedly) other colleagues. Going to nightclubs with her (and other colleagues) and lying about it whilst I’m at home with our baby.

It’s been months since I find this out and I just can’t get over it. It probably seems so small and stupid but I had to DRAG the information out of him with irrefutable proof. He just denied denied denied then said “oh I didn’t remember” blah blah blah and now I am just convinced in my mind they must have slept together at least once or kissed or flirted.

I don’t understand why else the flirting emails, the cake, the lies!?!

Am I insane?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
10
wateringtrees · 18/12/2019 08:19

Yes he has his side of the story for being a lying gaslighter 👍🏼 nice one

Original poster
Loveontherocks100 · 18/12/2019 08:37

Actually the problem is that there has always been this “other side” to him. Arrogant public school boy image “I’m so rich” “my daddy is so rich”, sleeping with shitloads of women and bragging about it. All that. And I always thought it was a front, and the wonderful person I knew was really him. And how he acted at work. But now all I can see is him being that arrogant shit at work with the flirting and the need for ego massaging. I don’t see my husband at all. Not possible to undo it really.

OP posts:
PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 18/12/2019 08:38

I can’t help but feel you’ve fallen for the act and what you saw was actually him all along Sad

tikitent · 18/12/2019 08:42

Strange that he doesn't want to have couples therapy with his normal therapist. Could it be that he has already discussed cheating with the therapist and would then have to deny it to them in front of you? I would insist it's the same therapist.

Gemma1971 · 18/12/2019 08:52

Maybe he never went to therapy at all? Possibly another lie...?

Interestedwoman · 18/12/2019 08:54

If he's a people pleaser, you're clearly the exception and he doesn't feel the need to please you- at least when he's out of sight. I find it more likely it was all for him- he has a massive ego and opinion of himself, and enjoyed having his ego stroked.

As to seeing a therapist who's been his so far, I wouldn't do that because the therapist is used to supporting him, his side, his wants, so doesn't start with the same degree of impartiality, even if the therapist would want or try to be impartial. We all have unconscious bias, whether we want to have or not.

I would see someone new for couple's' counselling, who starts from the position of impartiality and not being on either 'side.'

Original poster
Loveontherocks100 · 18/12/2019 08:55

I think he did go to therapy as he was telling me about his sessions and he’s not that sort of liar. I am absolutely insisting on the same one for that very reason.

OP posts:
Gwlondon · 18/12/2019 09:01

Good luck.
I think for me I would make myself visible at his work. So that you can see the colleague. Not to talk to her. Or make her jealous. But just so that your husband has to stand with you and remind her that you exist and you are a person. He doesn’t want his reputation tarnished so he should make an effort. Or insist that he takes you to the members club. Do you see what I mean? Ask him to stand with you visibly.
I think go to his therapist. He said he would do couples counselling so don’t let him choose who.
Good luck. I am glad the scan went well. I hope you find a way through this.

Original poster
Loveontherocks100 · 18/12/2019 09:04

gwlondon

That’s exactly what I have been doing these last weeks and months. Baking for the team; dropping by to meet him for lunch etc and bumping into various colleagues and bosses.

The problem is the area he works in I am not allowed in the office floor itself.

OP posts:
ScreamingLadySutch · 18/12/2019 10:32

"Arrogant public school boy image “I’m so rich” “my daddy is so rich”, sleeping with shitloads of women and bragging about it. All that. And I always thought it was a front, and the wonderful person I knew was really him. And how he acted at work. But now all I can see is him being that arrogant shit at work "

Which is why I told you to brace yourself for the realisation that you might be involved with a common or garden narcissist.

What gets through to upper class men is HONOUR and being a gentleman. Call upon his honour, courage, integrity, principle. Did he have any relatives who were officers, maybe in the war? Invoke them and ask what sort of a man they would think of him.
That is the one thing that got through to my ex. He was unable to change his emotional toddler state but he was utterly honourable financially.

Gemma1971 · 18/12/2019 11:21

"Arrogant public school boy image “I’m so rich” “my daddy is so rich”, sleeping with shitloads of women and bragging about it. All that. And I always thought it was a front, and the wonderful person I knew was really him. And how he acted at work. But now all I can see is him being that arrogant shit at work "

This background information says a LOT about his character.

Did you know this before you married him?

He sounds awful OP.

JustASmallTownCurl · 18/12/2019 11:28

Aside from anything else OP he sounds like a cunt to be honest.

You don't need a specific piece of information to have permission it to be over - him being a horrible person and you not wanting to be with him is enough reason.

ravenmum · 18/12/2019 11:44

It's possible that he didn't go to the therapist. Also possible that he did go, but told her the story from (let's say) a different angle, and doesn't want to sit in front of her while you tell it from your angle as it would be awkward.

Some of the replies on this thread are suggesting that you have definite proof of him cheating. I would say (my opinion) that you don't have definite proof. It's normal to want to get definite proof, but really, unless you find more evidence, you might have to accept uncertainty.

In my experience, while I did get proof of my exh cheating, I still had to accept a lot of uncertainty. I didn't know what lies he had told to whom - it felt like he could have gone round telling any of our friends any sort of crap. I didn't know what my future would be any more. The only way I've got over this is to learn to accept uncertainty. Without that, I wouldn't have been able to start any new relationships with anyone.

Coming to terms with uncertainty is something that helps you live your life and I'd really recommend it to anyone.

ravenmum · 18/12/2019 11:52

I don't know how it is where you are, or what therapist you have, but at one point I went (alone) to my exh's (supposed) therapist as we were supposed to start doing couples counselling. When I tried to talk about her previous sessions with him she said that she couldn't talk about anything she had done with my exh as it was confidential. She was also absolutely shit. It's important to find a therapist that you get on well with. In your position, I'd personally go for a therapist I already trusted.

Original poster
Loveontherocks100 · 18/12/2019 12:28

Therapist booked for Monday

OP posts:
ItsNearlyMorning · 18/12/2019 12:49

Good luck op

Original poster
Loveontherocks100 · 18/12/2019 12:51

I’ve known him since we were teenagers - he was a bit of an arrogant Shit then but seemed to have grown up and acted so different around me. The private school thing isn’t a dig - I went to one too. It’s just the ATTITUDE and the arrogance. It’s really off putting. The thinking that money matters so much etc etc.

It’s his therapist booked. I know he can’t tell me anything they’ve discussed but I feel like he might not be as willing to lie if he’s already told therapist something

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 18/12/2019 13:06

Good news about the therapist, OP - especially as it's the one he's already visited

Whether it will make any lasting difference remains to be seen ...

MistyKoala · 18/12/2019 13:27

I’d keep an open mind about whether you want the therapist to be the one your DH already sees. They will have built their own relationship during their sessions together, which will undoubtedly influence your meetings as a couple.

Joeler · 18/12/2019 13:39

From everything you've said.It sounds like you just need peace of mind.The fact is you will not get it from him, he is a proven liar. Although you once trusted implicitly he has shattered your trust, so you will never feel 100% in this relationship however much therapy you have. If you can't live like this, why not hire a private detective for when he's on his work nights out? I've just googled it and got this link
aretheysafe.co.uk/relationship-investigations/.
I don't know anybody in real life who has used this service ( I suspect the cost would be prohibitive for most) but you appear to be in a good financial situation. I also think it's unethical to spy on someone you love, but I'm just putting it out there in case it's not something you've considered.

Original poster
Loveontherocks100 · 18/12/2019 13:49

The problem is there’s nothing to investigate now. My feeling is if something happened it would have been 6-18 months ago, over now.

I’ve told my mother IRL. I was worried as she loves DH and has a tendency to take his side, but she is devastated for me as she understands what I mean re his other “persona” and how the trust being gone has broken things.

OP posts:
Greenkit · 18/12/2019 14:08

Good luck with counselling, I really hope you are both able to sort it out.

Original poster
Loveontherocks100 · 18/12/2019 14:12

Slight update in that his boss has said i can pop up with our son tomorrow in the actual office to say hello (people are always saying when will he bring him in). I feel very sick at the idea of going and seeing her, but I would very much like to see the layout of the office etc. Do people think this is a good idea?

OP posts:
Greenkit · 18/12/2019 14:15

Put your best dress on and be fabulous

MoStew18 · 18/12/2019 14:19

I agree with Greenkit
Put your best slap on and go for it! If you feel up for it of course... you can tell a lot by someone's reaction xx