Husband left for woman half his age.

[Apricot10]

Just that really.
He has left me for a 25 year old. He is 40 next month.
We have two children 6 and 9. My DS is Autistic. So I have been left with two children who can't understand why he has gone, especially my DS.
He has moved in with her, so I said I wasn't happy with the children visiting his place as they need more time to adjust to us being apart before he introduces anyone else.
So he is taking them to their grandparents when he has them.
He told me all of this by text. Won't give me her name said I might stalk her. (Like I have the time if I wanted to)
We were together 18 years married 11. I am totally devastated. Just been wrapping presents crying my eyes out.
I just feel so helpless and desperate.
I can't look at him, I feel sick when I do. I loved him for so many years. Why do they do this? What can he surely have in common with this girl?

Im so sorry it must be so distressing seeing your kids upset. You are doing great by the sound of it and you’ll come out of this better than him - it wont last with a 25 yr old! Sounds like you had good friends let them help you

Just bide your time. Yes your DCs will be hurt and emotional but with your support and love they will adapt.

Where are your boundaries with your DD. Don’t run your life through FOG (fear, obligation and guilt). Don’t set a precedent.

If your xDH wants to bring 25 year old along what will you say.

I would do something wonderful and different with your DD and just include xDH in a v small token part of the day.

Say no to your daughter dad can do something with her separate to you

It's only for her birthday, we have had something booked for ages which she is looking forward to, she has had so much disappointment recently the least I can do for her is suck it up for one afternoon.
No more after that. Just feel shit. Have asked to meet him to discuss the everything with regards to kids, finances etc. He just keeps saying he hasn't got the time at the moment and will get back to me. He is just totally dodging any discussion about the impending divorce.
Just fed up with it all now, kids are back to school tomorrow so at least will be back to a bit of normality but I just want to sleep for a week.

I know you feel like you're doing this for her, but you might actually be confusing her more. If she (and DS) see you happy (or pretending to be) on the day of the birthday then they won't get why you can't be like that again... And again...

Boundaries are important for you right now, but they are also important for the children.

Next time he phones and says he's too sick for his kids kindly explain that you can't actually phone in sick to parenting. It's not that kind of job so you will be dropping them off. I know it's hard to think about right now, but for friends of mine the only sustainable 50/50 arrangement was week about. Mum picks them up from school on Friday afternoon and drops them off the following Friday morning. Dad picks them up that Friday... And so on. Otherwise one parent will still be the parent who picks up the slack... Has to cancel work when kids are sick, does more school runs, does more running around for activities playdate etc. This might be something to think about in the future. You have sacrificed enough of your earning potential now because you believed it was a true, lifelong partnership. Its time for absolute equality.

Don't let your ex blame you for any of this.
He stopped "family time" by cheating!

Hopefully things can really get moving once you see a solicitor.
Your kids may be upset now but kids are very resilient and you are teaching them an important lesson that you do not let your significant other treat you like dirt and you do not turn a blind eye to cheating.
I hope things become easier soon for all of you (except the cheater and OW).

Thanks everyone, I called a friend and had a good chat. She sorted me out. It's just really shit isn't it?

You poor thing sending hugs
Youl will get stronger as the days go by
When he comes craweling back to you after his 25 year old wants to be out parting while he has his children he will feel it..
Then youl get ur day of saying fuck you xx

Just rtft!

How dare he blame you saying that it's because you stopped 'family time'.
All of this is on him! He's such a gaslighting wank stain!

You are doing so well and you're so incredibly strong!
He deserves a swift kick to the bollocks!!!

It's a shit situation, a family member went through similar and I see lots of others go through the same and it really makes you wonder why. Just a bit confused as to why everyone's saying she'll get bored and is too young when everyone I know over 25 are married with 2 or more kids

I can’t believe he thinks that you want to be friends with him like he hasn’t done anything utterly evil. What an absolute cliche of a midlife crisis he’s having. (Suspect he’s trying to keep the door open, too, btw.... knobend.)

Hi OP I've only just read your story today and I'm so angry on your behalf. I've seen your STBEH many times before, but his bloody family???

It reads as if you are communicating with him quite frequently, my advice would be to pull that right back and have as little as possible to do with him. Don't tell him anything he doesn't need to know, even things like how the kids are etc unless it's an emergency.

If he takes the kids out for a few hours, make sure you are out for the last hour and if he still has a key expect that he'll return early and use it, so everything private locked away, nice tidy house, flowers etc (I'm not falling apart without you) if you can legally change the locks, do it.

I understand he was your best friend but he isn't now, he is currently your worst enemy. In the future you might find some common ground but for now don't be so open with him, so find someone else to deliver the calpol etc. Yes, I know it's hard.

You mention 'she says xxx' etc, stop talking to him about her, stop asking questions about her. He wants to talk about her, good or bad, and as his 'best friend' you are the one he wants listening. Stop listening. I know it's hard because it's instinctive to want to know about her-why her and not me- but it feeds his ego when you listen.

Likewise, stop spending time with him and the kids. He probably can't 'dad' on his own without you and needs you to be his wing woman. Fuck him! He made the decision to leave and single parent hood is one of the consequences. Your kids will survive without you for that short period even if they only get toast and marmite. Your daughter sounds capable of sticking up for herself and her brother.

Get therapy. Get therapy. Get therapy. It helps and you deserve it.

You have done an amazing job at one of the most stressful times of the year, hats off to you, you're an amazing mum. Wishing you and the kids all the very best for the future x

Great post by @S0upertrooper

@S0upertrooper thank you so much for that. I have screen shot your comment to read back to myself when I feeling weak.
Thank you.
I have to admit the house is a mess right now, I really need to pull my finger out of my arse and tidy it. I forgot to order my sons school dinners last week for the start of term, so he is on packed lunches this week, I never forget stuff like that.
I am back at work properly now and the kids back at school, hopefully the routine will help.
My friends have been great in checking in on me.
Thanks everyone and @justilou1 yes I suspect you are right, he tries to reminisce about things we used to do when I see him, I don't just listen, he is playing serious mind games now no doubt trying to keep an open door. But then talks about how we were never right for eachother.
@HonHonBaguette I think maybe people think she will get bored of playing step mum to my kids when she has no interest in doing so. She has already told him this. If they do live with him half the time, she will be living with them too and knowing him she will be left doing most of the work. My DS wets and soils himself often, has meltdowns, needs to wear ear defenders a lot of time. He is a lot of work at times. And she is 24, just turned as well. she came straight from her parents to live with him, other than being a student she has never lived alone, with a partner let alone with children one with additional needs.
It's an utter shambles and I worry for my kids so much. They won't be looked after he wants family days because like @S0upertrouper said he wants me to take the slack on those days. He keeps saying he will take them to his parents when he has them, and that's so his mum can take the slack.
He has never stood up and parented them before. He will have to now.
Blimey that was long.

Can you guess I have just worked out how to @ people.

I assumed that was why he wanted “family days”.... it’s because his Barbie Princess has no interest in playing Step-parent and doesn’t want them in her flat. Let him take them to his parents. Let him do all the schlepping and driving, etc.... Try and make him stick to regular visitation with his kids (but NOT in your house EVER!!!) it stuffs both him and Barbie around.

Sounds like he is trying to keep the door open. I bet she is out all the time and he is stuck at home.

Ex says I shouldn't be in another relationship because I don't understand why our marriage failed

Ah......so he doesn't want you seeing other men, or moving on, just in case he wants to come back? That's how I read this.

I feel like people are laughing No, they really won't be. If anything, they will think he's having a stupid mid-life crisis and will be eye rolling.

Had a very similar thing happen to me, except he didn't leave for OW, he just shagged loads of OW behind my back, and I (eventually) left him. We had been together for 20 years. His family knew why I left. They never spoke to me again! Because "He was just having a bit of fun, whereas I was breaking up a family". Unbelievable. I still hate them all, and it's now 12 years later. I'll have to see them when the kids get married (in the next 5 years), and I won't speak to them if they approach me, I've no idea how I won't stab them all in the eyes with a fork tbh.

Like you, I found it hard to trust again, but I have moved on, and I am now married to a fabulous man, who my adult "kids" get on great with.

Regards practicalities :

1. You need to lodge a claim with CMS (keep copies of his wage slips, he may lie about income....mine did, quelle surprise). Get that going right now, as it can't be backdated.

1. Child benefit is always paid to the Mother : make sure that's going in to your account.

1. You are due half of his pension pot as of the date of the split. He is also due half of yours. But assuming his pot is larger....you get more cash out of any settlement to reflect this. So, let's say his Pension value today is £100,000 and yours is £20,000...that's £120,000 divided by 2, = £60,000 each, so he has to give you £40,000 in cash to even things up.

1. You can go for more than 50/50 of the money pot, if you are primary carer.

1. If you have sacrificed your career to care for children (and he hasn't), you can go for more money in the split. In Scotland this is called "economic recompense". Not sure if England is the same.

1. See a SHL and get a separation agreement drawn up. Do not let him have anything he isn't entitled to. Now is the time to fight for a good settlement. You never get this chance again.

Finally....in a few weeks time, I would place a pair of big muddy size 12 men's boots in the Hallway, and an XXL men's jacket on the coat rack. Don't say a word about this. If he questions you, tell him to mind his own business. Let the little fucker think that another man is in his home. It will seriously knock him off kilter.

Can I just also say, this 24 y/o is never going to stick with a 40 y/o that has children. He will come crawling back. At which point you simply say, "I wish you well, but I have moved on", possible glancing fleetingly at the boots and jacket.

He says he doesn't see her that much and that she only stays there some of the time. Why he thinks I want to know this I don't know. He is still pulling the overtime at work line,saying he can't see or have the kids because he is working late. He works 2 hours away, so he had never been home before 7pm, for 10 years.

He is now interviewing for a job closer to home and I suggested he asked for condensed hours so he can do the school run for two days or the week. It's the least he can do. I have done every school drop off and pick up for 6 years so far.
I can't wait until he has to face my school mum friends on the school run. They all want to tear him a new one at the moment! 😂
I suggested he had the kids Saturday teatime to Tuesdays and I pick them up from school and have them the rest of the week. He said he would consider it.😳🙄
Will see how it works out anyway. I suggested we had a meeting to go over everything and he said not at the moment got lots on. He doesn't want to engage in any divorce talk.
I have given him a chance for us to sort out everything with regards to the kids and he keeps putting it on the back burner. Will be seeing solicitors and then basically telling him how it will be. He had his chance for input.

Absolutely make sure you end up with a fair time and responsibility split that gives the OW a very sharp shock about the reality she has chosen.
Once the seperation agreement is worked out with maintenance etc, her vision of an exciting older man with a big house and lots of money and time to spend on her is going to burst and the reality of being a SM to special needs kids with your XH's disposable income being much sparser will appear.

I predict that OW won't stick around for more than 6 months. Their life styles are so incompatible. If it wasn't so heartbreaking, it would be funny to watch the car crash happen.

She's going to be out clubbing, bringing gaggles of friends back to the house, staying up late, having lie in's till Noon, wanting to go on clubbing holidays..... She won't have any interest in his children.

He is going to miss the stability of home, all too soon.

Seen how this plays out, time and time again.

Just read tft, OP it must be heartbreaking seeing your DCs upset but that's on your DH and no-one else - DEFINITELY not on you! You're doing the best you can in a horrible situation that's been sprung on you and your DH is having a pathetic mid-life crisis, clearly giving no thought to his family whatsoever. Like others have said also highly doubt a 24-yo straight out of uni is going to stick around for long 🙄 No practical advice that hasn't been given but wanted to send a virtual hug. You've got this and it will take time but you'll adjust to your new (and infinitely better) life without the scumbag. Be kind to yourself

(Also love @Longblondeandblueeyes idea about the coat and boots, that'll have him squirming 😈)

He doesn't want to engage in any divorce talk.

Yeah well he's going to have to, whether he wants to or not. What a selfish prick.

He doesn't want to engage in any divorce talk

He doesn't want a divorce.

His plan is to keep you warm (keep seeing you, keeping having family days out, keep being friends) so that when things go tits up with the OW (which he's already forecasting is very likely), you'll open up your door for him to return.

He's not planning a grand 'here I am, let's be a family again'. He's planning on it being insidious. First you'll offer a friendly ear when he's upset that him/OW are having problems. Then you'll offer him a bed for the night one time him/OW have a massive row. Then he'll stay for a few days because that's what the kids want. During this stay you'll remember how much you love him, how great he is to be around so you'll start to miss him. Next time he needs to stay over and you let him, you'll ask him not to leave.

This is his plan. You are his Plan B when it all goes wrong with the OW.

He's a tosser.

I kind of agree with the plan B thing. He wants the best of both worlds and for you to fall in line as he needs you. As you are now discovering you are stronger than he will imagine and don't back down. Think of the children and yourself. Do right by the children for their dad is important to them but not at the expense of you and your life.

He won't like you starting to arrange things without him and having some life, and it sounds like his young girlfriend may no be ready to take on two kids at all.

Log every time he messes arrangements, texts emails etc. Get financial info if you can. Communicate where possible via email or text so it can be on paper and recorded.
You can do this.