Husband left for woman half his age.

[Apricot10]

Just that really.
He has left me for a 25 year old. He is 40 next month.
We have two children 6 and 9. My DS is Autistic. So I have been left with two children who can't understand why he has gone, especially my DS.
He has moved in with her, so I said I wasn't happy with the children visiting his place as they need more time to adjust to us being apart before he introduces anyone else.
So he is taking them to their grandparents when he has them.
He told me all of this by text. Won't give me her name said I might stalk her. (Like I have the time if I wanted to)
We were together 18 years married 11. I am totally devastated. Just been wrapping presents crying my eyes out.
I just feel so helpless and desperate.
I can't look at him, I feel sick when I do. I loved him for so many years. Why do they do this? What can he surely have in common with this girl?

One of the best things I ever did was give up thinking my ex would step up and be a parent. It made my life so much less stressful.

Depending on how much you earn, you can claim up to 70% of all childcare costs back via benefits (the childcare provider has to be ofstead registered). I used to put mine into afterschool club and a childminder even on the days I didn't work. It really did save my sanity. £300 worth of childcare used to cost me £90, a small price to pay imo.

As other pp have said, stop asking and just do it re the divorce. I paid for my solicitor out if the divorce pot at the end. You could also do this via court for childcare arrangements to stop him messing you about. One email address you check 1/2 a week also saved my sanity. He would literally drive me to distraction and I had to take the control away from him

If a nanny is out of your price range how about finding a teen babysitter that wants some summer money.
She can do a few days a week while you work and then take holiday days to cover the rest. I wouldn't count on him stepping up.
Ask friends neighbours, workmates about teens locally. You'd be home to ee how it's all going, she/he could take them to the park, and play games outside the house, feed them and entertain them.

He’s a total twat

Just caught up with your thread. You are amazing. It might not feel like it but you are really strong.
He is a massive prick.

I think you are all forgetting that there are kids with special needs involved here. Babysitters aren’t easy to come by, and Dad wasn’t exactly reliable to begin with.

It won't be held against you for withholding contact. You've offered several times (and in writing) the courts will see that as reasonable behaviour and in the best interests of the children for you to sort out based around yourself.

Personally I'd no longer ask him. It gives him no excuse to rage at you and gives you control in your own life. As hard as it will be alone (and god knows it has its moments!) it is a lot easier than the fake hope of someone stepping up.
You've been so strong, don't allow him to let doubt creep in.

Thanks everyone, I think that's what I have been coming to terms with over the last few weeks. That I won't get at least every other weekend to be me and enjoy things where I am not Mum.
He will be telling the world his main priority is the kids, and he is looking after them etc. And it is just a lie. I feel like outing him as a terrible father and husband to the entire world! But I realise it won't actually do any good and will just make me look like the bitter and twisted abandoned wife.
I just feel like I have to put up and shut up. I haven't heard from him for a few days,so don't know if we will see him again.
Not bothered if we don't.
Like pp have said when you aren't expecting someone to help you don't get the emotional exhaustion that comes with being let down. It is easier.

OP ... the OW does not want your kids... He is trying to please the OW.. she is giving him ultimatums and likely threatening to ditch him over this... and he's given up everything for her.. this is why he desperately trying to force contact at your house.. to appease the OW... this is where his stress is coming from... his new wonderful life has become a sad cheap stressful fraught financial hellish existence... You lady are brilliant.. stay strong 🌺

Honestly, I think that he is simply living in the moment and doing whatever the fuck he wants to, whenever he wants to, because it feels best in that moment. If he is seeing his children, it is because he craves that kind of “fun”. If they require cleaning or discipline or emotional energy, time, or anything he deems “yucky”, he handballs it straight back to OP because none of that suits his current narrative. The kids seem to feel the need to be their “best” selves to “attract” his attention too, and are currently realizing that nothing they do is ever going to be good enough. He really is the worst kind of man.

@Apricot10

I've been lurking on this thread.I'm currently going through what looks like the end of my marriage and things have been awful for quite some time.Your thread resonates with me as I've been with my DH for nearly 20 years and I've a child with ASD too.Can I say that I find you an inspiration?,you've been going through so much and you've handled things incredibly even though things have been horrendously difficult.

Someone pointed me in the direction of this

midlifeclub.com/midlife-for-dummies.htm

And I have to say it's been a real eye opener.

Hi Apricot. Just read your thread and am hoping things are getting better. Also hoping that your DS is getting used to the new normal and everything settles down.

TBH I want to slap your ex.

@justilou1 Yes you are so right, you can see the kids change when he sees them, they are on their absolute best behaviour so he sees them longer. It's heartbreaking. I keep reminding them that it is not their fault.
@popsydoodle4444 I am sorry you are going through this, what you said blew me away a bit and made me cry in a good way. I hope you are okay.
@whiteroseredrose thank you. He bailed on them again today, thank fully I hadn't told the kids he was seeing them today, so they weren't dissapointed with him not turning up. I am annoyed as could've done with a few hours break after half term. But I don't expect any different now.
He told me the other day he has been signed off work with blood pressure problems because he is so stressed out. do not believe a word of it, it's just an excuse so he doesn't have to bother with the kids. I hate him.

What a self serving whining manipulative spineless cockwomble. Ask him for some money to pay for a babysitter once a week so you can do something for you, as you need a break too. Watch some Stephanie Lyn coaching videos on YouTube, keep a record of his contact or lack of. Keep going we know it's not easy

Dearie me, what a pathetic man. Apricot you are amazing.

He’s turned into one of those.

My sisters ex was one of those. Now my nephew is 18 and rarely bothers with his dad. His own choice. He looks back and understands the sacrifices my sister made for him. He knows (sadly) that his dad couldn’t be bothered...and when he did it was because he was being made to. My sister tried to hide what her ex was like for many year. In the end it just couldn’t be hidden.

As his dad has got older, he wants his sons company more. My nephew isn’t interested.

I take some comfort in knowing that one day his dad will be a lonely old man, with a child who has no guilt about never visiting. Meanwhile, my sisters life is rich, with a child who adores her and who she frankly can’t get rid of 😉 (in a nice way).

Hope you're holding up OK Apricot

Doing okay thanks. Been so busy with work the last few days, I haven't had much chance to do anything. I was soaring some boxes out the other day and found loads of stuff from when we were first together anniversary cards, little bits. It was a bit of a shock. I didn't know what to do with them. Do you get rid of stuff like that? I don't even know.

That’s all part of your history - it’s still valid and important. If it causes you pain maybe it might be triggering and now is not the time for sorting - so box it up for another time?

Have you managed to see a solicitor yet?

Shove the cards etc in a dark corner of the attic and don’t think about them for a very long while.

You really sound completely amazing and I hope you find the energy to keep on trucking.

@Gutterton yes seen the solicitor, sorting stuff out as we speak.I don't want to say too much about it on here. Just in case, but it's all in hand.
@wetcarparkrain I am still trucking. Planning on a huge clear out of the "crap cupboard" this weekend. So I have a bag for any letters or cards etc I can chuck them in and throw them into the loft.
I have been so busy doing my house up, I managed to build, plaster and paint a stud wall over the last week, (to separate a lounge diner). I felt so chuffed with myself, my kids think I am wonder woman now!

I have been so busy doing my house up, I managed to build, plaster and paint a stud wall over the last week, (to separate a lounge diner). I felt so chuffed with myself, my kids think I am wonder woman now!

Wow! So do I! Well done you!

Great work. xxx

Your kid's are right. I think that you're wonder woman too.

Money and dc is exactly what losers like your h use at this stage in proceedings.
It is all they have left to control you with.
Don’t think it’ll have gone Unnoticed by him how much you are handling things.
Im sorry he turned out to be such a loser op
You and your dc deserve so much better but I’d stop asking him and start communicating through your solicitor.
You simply don’t need to take this shit and he won’t ever do the right thing by you.

@Beerincomechampagnetastes yes you are right, I had to contact him today as I accidentally had a receipt for a work purchase sent to his email, phone prefixed it. Long story. Anyway I had to call him and ask him to forward it to me.
When I said thanks he said "no worries it's nice to be useful for a change." I nearly spat out my tea! How about looking after your kids! That's useful! Knob.
Thanks everyone, I am pleased to report the wall is still standing! More DIY this weekend. I am making the house my own to my taste, feeling really on a new path now. Definitely feeling okay at the moment.