Husband left for woman half his age.

[Apricot10]

Just that really.
He has left me for a 25 year old. He is 40 next month.
We have two children 6 and 9. My DS is Autistic. So I have been left with two children who can't understand why he has gone, especially my DS.
He has moved in with her, so I said I wasn't happy with the children visiting his place as they need more time to adjust to us being apart before he introduces anyone else.
So he is taking them to their grandparents when he has them.
He told me all of this by text. Won't give me her name said I might stalk her. (Like I have the time if I wanted to)
We were together 18 years married 11. I am totally devastated. Just been wrapping presents crying my eyes out.
I just feel so helpless and desperate.
I can't look at him, I feel sick when I do. I loved him for so many years. Why do they do this? What can he surely have in common with this girl?

Had a horrendous day today, I sent him a tex taking him to sort out removing himself off the voting register for this place so o could finally claim single person council tax. And (via text) it is escalated and escalated and turned into me getting a stream of abusive messages telling me how shit how life is, he has to money, he is trying to be honourable and that everyone hates him. I can go F myself. Calling me all the names under the sun. It really rattled me, I ended up in tears while at work. I have such a head ache now.
I think he is having breakdown (I know what they look like).
He says I am constantly nagging him and putting pressure on him. All I did this week was send the kids school holiday dates via email so he could chose which ones he would cover.
Just saying let me know which ones you can do and I will book the opposite off. He hasn't responded but obviously I am asking too much.
I am exhausted.

Please excuse the typos. I have typed it out too quickly.

Ring the council and forward his current address to them. I did that when dhs ex moved out.

OP, I've lurked on here but I just wanted to say you have been so strong and brilliant, and having a shit day today doesn't make you any less strong or any less brilliant.

The abuse he's hurling is because he's feeling shit and he can't admit that it's his fault. I'd bet the 'relationship' with the gf is unravelling now and he's panicking at the thought of how much he has monumentally fucked up his life. Things like the council tax and the planning for covering school holidays are all very real, and reality isn't what he's after.

I'm sure other posters will have more advice, but I just wanted to say he's a cunt, and you're awesome.

You can have him m removed from your address as a voter. I had ex removed stated heh as much moved out.

Also apply for CMS.

And plan for dc holidays as if he won’t be taking the dc. As I don’t think he will

Aw op. He’s realising that all his ties to his family are breaking and life is going down the pan. Like a pp said, he’s not willing to take responsibility for this. He was probably hoping you’d hang about and try to maintain ties, so if it went south with the ow, he could just come waltzing back in to a grateful wife.

As for not taking his responsibilities as far as the kids are concerned...well that’s just because kids are hard work and he simply doesn’t want to. He wanted to be free to shag his 25 year old.

Stay strong. Take him off the register yourself by informing the council and don’t bother contacting him. Let him know how bad it feels when his ex wife and kids really don’t need him. 💐

Thank fully I work from home. So if needs be I can do that with them here. It's just boring for them a d means I can't go into the office if I am needed.
God I just feel so defeated by it all. I just want to get the ball rolling. I have told him to sort his mail out so it doesn't come to me anymore and I still get stuff for him. He isn't moving this split forward at all.
I am knackered with dealing with it all.

As @LangClegsOpinionIsNoted said..
I just wanted to say he's a cunt, and you're awesome.

This is all🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻

Also can you do a "return to sender" or "not at this address" job on the post?

Return a mail back to sender with person has moved written on the envelopes.

Act as you would if you’d moved into a new house and previous owners mail came to your house.

@Apricot10 my ExH sent me texts saying I was making him depressed, that no one liked him, that he had no money, that he wanted to jump in front of a train, that he had nothing to live for. He too had left me for a women 26 half his age. He left me with the kids and he too immediately moved in with OW. Not once did he ask me how I was doing, looking after the kids, dealing with their emotions, worrying about ££ etc etc. Your H Is following the script. In hindsight I shouldn’t have engaged with my ex. It did no good. All it did was upset me. So Op try not to communicate with him. He doesn’t care. He has moved on and it is about him.

Dhs ex used to go around to their house crying that this was all very difficult for her, no one knew the pressures she was under 🙄 as if you care after they’ve cheated on you?.

Thanks everyone. I text him and just said I think he should just stay away for a bit and let everyone settle down bit. And he texts back with a load of poor me poor me crap, that I am going to cause him to have a heart attack with stress and then says I think you should not be in touch with me for a while. I literally just said that to you. He is a very odd man.

Yes, I think he realises how crap it is going to be for him now. I have plans for the rest of the week with the kids, so lots of fun to have with them. Then I am cracking on with the DIY this weekend. Hopefully he will just stay away. Thanks everyone.

Have you contracted with a solicitor yet? What stage are you at?

Are you finding time to spend with friends and doing things that enrich you - as if you WFH, spend weekends doing DIY and have 100% care of the kids - you will burn out soon. What are you doing to nourish yourself emotionally and to bring you joy and peace?

(PS on another thread a while back every time knob head STBXH sent a woe is me text they just sent him back a 👍 whatever he said - I thought that was really funny)

Yes been in touch with solicitor @gutterton trying to work out how I am will pay for it first because he won't.
I am not getting any time to myself and I am already feeling I am at burn out. Really really tired.
The only day I get to myself is the few hours between school runs on a friday as that's my day off. And recently I have just been sleeping. I am not living right now just existing.
He will not step up and look after the kids. The minute I dare to mention it he starts sounding off at how I am making him out to be and a person, I am being nasty bla bla. No! I just asked you to decide when you are going to have visitation with your kids. But because I won't allow adhoc week to week contact. I am a bitch.
The whole thing is exhausting, I go round in circles.
I have been asking the same crap for months now, when are you going to have them on a regular basis and what school holidays are you covering? Two very simple things that could've been sorted ages ago.
But he doesn't want the kids, he can't be arsed.
So back to square one. Me on my own with the kids.
When does it end? I can't cope with this for the next 10 years.

Get court ordered contact. It's the only way with pathetic morons like him.

This is really tough for you apricot - it’s time to start thinking about how you could get some time, space and respite for yourself.

Start with sleep - how is that - have you a good routine?

Honestly you’ve handled this brilliantly, OP.
Just know there’s a whole group of people cheering you on

@YesThatsATurdOnTheRug

It’s not possible for a court to force a father to see his children. Any court ordered contract just means the children have to be made available. Doesn’t mean he has to see them.

Any father who needs a court to tell him to see his kids ...

Apricot, your solicitor may offer the opportunity to pay legal fees after reaching a financial settlement. Ask if they an do this. I think it is quite common.

And good luck

I’ve only jumped on for the last few parts but you are going through so much. Give yourself a couple of months to just focus on YOU and the kids. Don’t worry about his visitation days, don’t worry about his mail. It doesn’t all need to be sorted right now. It sounds like every time you communicate with him you get more upset and angry so avoid communicating with him for a while. Your mental and emotional health and the kids are what matters right now. You’re doing amazing.

I swear these men must inspire a lot of women to become specialist patio builders!!! 🤬🤯🤬

it sounds like you are giving him too much of your already exhausted energy by trying to organise things with him. just don't talk to him, its pointless .

create an email address for him to use, you will check it once a week, this is his only chance to communicate with you.

how about you get an au pair asap, to give you a little break with child care till child maintenance comes in.

then sort child maintenance, if he is not looking after the kids he has to pay for their maintenance, this should hopefully help with costs for a nanny.

He is paying maintenance. I don't have near enough to afford a Nanny, so that isn't an option unfortunately.
All of these conversations are via email. I emailed options for visitation about 4 times now, he ignores me.
I have emailed options for covering school holidays about 3 times now, he ignores me.
I have requested we meet to sort out finances and move forward with the divorce. He has ignored every request, then I said okay I will book us in for mediation and send you the bill. Then he pipes up and says yes we will meet, but I can never pin him down to a date. He hates parting with money.
He is doing what he has always done and is putting his head in the sand. I was willing to sort his divorce out between us as much as possible. But like previous people have said, he wants me and the kids in our family home whenever he fancies it, and then his OW keeping their little love nest warm. He has no intention of caring for his children, that would mess with his new life.

I think I am basically banging my head against the wall. I don't want to be that person who says right you're not seeing g them until you sort out proper visitation because that will be held against me. But I can't think of any other option.
He us such a damn fool, they are such wonderful kids, they really are. It's just so sad for them.

Right he needs managing so that you can preserve your sanity and conserve your energy for your DCs.

The process is as PP said a single email address that you look at once a week. Tell him that.

Then anything and everything you ask of him states a single deadline, single next step and definite consequence. And you follow through.

So you say - we need to meet to arrange and agree childcare/finances. If we are unable to meet and agree by x date I will automatically progress to mediation / lawyer / court.

Looks like you have already asked him to do this 3 times. He can put his head in the sand - but you can now say because on 3 occasions you have not looked to resolve I am now progressing to mediation / lawyers / court.

Have you seen a lawyer?
Most people pay at the end. The money comes from the marital pot ultimately - and I would look at these costs as an investment in your DCs emotional state - because keeping you calm will be best for them. You need to stop him in his tracks giving you the run around.

Can you do a babysitting swap with a friend so you get some time for yourself.

Write him out of any childcare - it sounds more exhausting for you all with chasing after him to pin him down, then him letting the kids down repeatedly - he is yanking your chain 24/7 - it would be easier emotionally to go it alone.