Husband left for woman half his age.

[Apricot10]

Just that really.
He has left me for a 25 year old. He is 40 next month.
We have two children 6 and 9. My DS is Autistic. So I have been left with two children who can't understand why he has gone, especially my DS.
He has moved in with her, so I said I wasn't happy with the children visiting his place as they need more time to adjust to us being apart before he introduces anyone else.
So he is taking them to their grandparents when he has them.
He told me all of this by text. Won't give me her name said I might stalk her. (Like I have the time if I wanted to)
We were together 18 years married 11. I am totally devastated. Just been wrapping presents crying my eyes out.
I just feel so helpless and desperate.
I can't look at him, I feel sick when I do. I loved him for so many years. Why do they do this? What can he surely have in common with this girl?

• Advice wrt crush even goes for SENCO.

Hi, I'm late to this. Just joined back up because I'm in a similar situation. I'm 42 and my partner and husband of 19 years has just left me for a 29 yr old from work. Really don't know what to do and where to go. He's completely fuc*ed us financially now and desperately sad. Don't really know what else to say as I don't know if this is now a dead thread (sorry not au fait with message boards)! Hope you're doing ok & also looking for support myself.

Hi op

The way I got around my ds being upset if his I hesitate to use the word Dad
Didn't turn up or was always late. I just didn't tell him, so it was a surprise if he did, and nothing different if he didn't.

It might help if you can adjust your out look and expectations of him and him as a so called Father.

Don't expect him to play ball, always have plan B and stick to it
Always expect the unexpected, he is no longer your friend or wants the best for you

The only person you can rely on is yourself, then you can't be let down, he will always only do what's best for him, remember he has to make this shit choice of his work, if it's failing then he will blame you.

Don't think for a second that everything's rosey in his garden, he's got to keep her happy as well, the mental stress he's going to have to expend to do this
Will be crippling him (also diddums)

Remember don't argue with a drunk or a fool, it's pointless and counter productive. Make sure everything you can do practically is done and in your favour. Mitigate the impact on you and the kids from him as much as possible,
hard I know, self sooth, mindfulness, keep a diary, all this helps if only a little bit.

Bugger hit send

Be aware that this can be a long and arduous journey, don't believe his shit, and don't give an inch. There is life after this, and the lessons can be worth learning along the way.

You've got this, if you can give birth and look after a child with needs, work a job and keep hearth and home, then this is a cake walk....

@Guiltypleasures001 yes that's sounds advice thank you. @mathanxiety I was kind joking about my crush on the senco. He is a teacher at the school so pretty sure he has been checked.
@brightershades I am so sorry this is happening to you as well it is awful and I can fully relate to how crap you must be feeling as alot people can on here. When did all of thos happen?

That is so hard. I would go to the solicitor and push for him to take respinsibility every second long weekend. Even if his mother ends up minding them, you cannot control that.

Funnily enough my dc2 had a teacher who to me really represented kindness, decency, warmth, a normal type of sociable-ness!! I didnt have a crush but i did recognise a different type.

Have you seen a solicitor yet? Get this organised now. Make it your number one priority.

@WizardOfAus Yes, I have made an appointment, so am getting info together to try and make the most of my free 20 mins. I have been working a ton of overtime recently which is often on offer and I need the money so haven't had change to go yet. But I have an appointment.

@WellHolyGodMiley yes, I have given him 3 options either every other weekend or one weekend night per week Fri or Sat. I have sent him the options a few times now with no response. So I don't hold out much hope. I told him I had prepped the kids to meet her as my hands are tied and I need a break. He is now back tracking and saying her never said any of the stuff we have been rowing about for the last week. And if they need more time he will give them that. So turns out he is a massive gaslighter as well. I am too tired to engage with him anymore. Just going to pick the kids up from school buy shed loads of sweets and have a nice evening with them.

He is a predictable little monster, isn’t he? Do you have texts or emails to prove he’s done a u-turn? (For CMS if required)

Yes I have kept everything.

He’s yanking your chain. Stop letting him do that.

Work out the best access options for your DCs. Give him these, set in stone and with a deadline to respond and consequences if he doesn’t respond or commit ie you have demonstrated more than enough flexibility - but his messing about is detrimental to the DCs - this is your priority and you will protect the DCs from it - so they won’t see him and he can take you to court.

The consequence of him not sticking to his commitment is not dicking about, rearranging at the last minute, constantly re negotiating - he is just playing you to make contact - so the consequence is he doesn’t see them.

Hello OP
I stumbled upon this thread, maybe it was ‘ trending’ but oh my, you are one awesome woman!
I have no personal experience of what you are going through, but I know from other friends that I have supported in similar situations, you will prevail, and one day this will have been a thing that ‘happened to you’.
Keep on keeping on, Awesome Apricot!

Most people I know have these access arrangements nailed down for the whole year ahead. If he can’t do it - he has to sort it at his end - take to GPs etc. - not dick you about......otherwise he doesn’t get to see them at all. He needs to learn this lesson v soon.

The reality is he just feels ashamed and can't admit it.

This isn't what he envisaged at all..... he knows he's let you all down. Yes, he cheated on you... but it's having a massive impact on the DC, especially your DS.

He's on a self made bed of thorns and must feel like a POS.

One of the issues with cheating is individuals fail to think about the impact of their actions on everyone else. Not just the betrayed spouse, but the kids whose lives are turned upside down.

They won't forget the time dad left. To them, he was here one day and gone the next. So confusing for them...poor things.

I hated my xmil @Apricot10 but i would have driven the kids to her and checked into a budget hotel for 2 nights in your shoes. You must be exhausted

@Gutterton I know. I have told him this and he replied he thought we could just do it on a week to week basis and see what happens kind of Adhoc.I said no. He thinks I am being unreasonable by asking for a set time every week/two weeks.
He gave me his address this week, the proper address not just the made up one her gave me when first asked.
I looked it up and it's a one bedroom shit hole. He hasn't planned to have these kids for one minute. If he does have them they will be sleeping together on a sofa bed in the lounge.

It's not asking for set times that makes you unreasonable in his eyes, it's that you're not obediently doing what he wants when he wants.

Just wanted to say how amazing you are and also how tragically predictable he is!! He’s still baffled you haven’t backed down and let him come back. It really doesn’t compute for him

Hi OP. Sadly your ex sounds like my poor excuse of a father. He was exactly the same, playing the victim, never consistent, letting everyone else around him do the real work. Last about a year of seeing when it please him and then he got his new partner pregnant and we had to go! I was the same age as your DD. I remember everything and I respect my mum so much for how she handled things. She cut him off but then didn’t have a child with additional needs like you do. I really hope it works out better for you but if I’m honest I suspect it will be a similar outcome.
Your kids will be fine, they have you!

@Usingmyindoorvoice thank you, I don't feel it at the moment. I do feel like things will be better one day though. @WellHolyGodMiley I would if I could afford it, not many budget hotels where they live pretty much out in the sticks. At the moment I don't work on Fridays so I am using that as my day for now. I can have a proper rest or catch up on stuff depending on what I need to do. Today I slept.

OP you're amazing. He's a horrible man child. Has he ever asked the children if they want to spend time with OW? Rather than telling you what needs to happen, shouldn't he start talking to his DCs?

@MissingMySleep he hasn't spoken to the kids about any of this, he hasn't the courage to. He can't look them in the eye and say anything about him leaving or having a "girlfriend". DD said when they went to his flat and saw all of her stuff he didn't say anything and even told them her pet snake was his. My DD just said I think Dad thinks I am an idiot. The night he left he told them it was temporary and he would be back. Total coward.
@OlivejuiceU2 I suspect you maybe right, I think I will be alone on this for a very long time. I hope they one day know I have done my best in all of this.
@Kit19 yes, the script is there for a reason and he has stuck to it to the letter it's incredible. He is spitting him dummy because I havent given my blessing to his infidelity, so he skip off into the sunset with OW and still come back for family time with me and the kids.

Just plan your lives without his involvement.
You have given him opportunities and had no response.