Husband left for woman half his age.

[Apricot10]

Just that really.
He has left me for a 25 year old. He is 40 next month.
We have two children 6 and 9. My DS is Autistic. So I have been left with two children who can't understand why he has gone, especially my DS.
He has moved in with her, so I said I wasn't happy with the children visiting his place as they need more time to adjust to us being apart before he introduces anyone else.
So he is taking them to their grandparents when he has them.
He told me all of this by text. Won't give me her name said I might stalk her. (Like I have the time if I wanted to)
We were together 18 years married 11. I am totally devastated. Just been wrapping presents crying my eyes out.
I just feel so helpless and desperate.
I can't look at him, I feel sick when I do. I loved him for so many years. Why do they do this? What can he surely have in common with this girl?

Thanks for the updates everyone, a few of those made sob like hell, in a good way. I am incredibly civil to him, in front of the kids I am pleasant but not over the top.
Maybe one day we will be friendly, we will never be friends. He has treated me appallingly and if he was anyone else I would never speak to him again. I was a child of a very bitter divorce my dad did this exact same thing to my mum, so I know how to feels when parents won't even look at eachother. I just couldn't understand why everyone couldn't all just get along. I get it now.
He has yet again cancelled having the kids this Sunday because he has stuff to do. Asked to see them Saturday instead but they have play dates, so he will have to see them next Wed the kids aren't bothered.
He won't ever step for these kids I am realising that now, and like PP said I am just going ride the storm and not engage with any of it.
He still isn't learning. I was chatting to my DS this evening when he came to see the kids and we were talking about getting the train to London to go to the Natural History Museum and ex pipes up, ooh don't go without me! I just ignored him and carried on chatting.
He is deluded, nothing is going to change that. I am dealing with a either a total narc or a man who is about to have a total nervous breakdown. It really feels like it's the latter, and this may sound awful bit it isn't my problem anymore if he does.
I am just concentrating on me and the kids, I am utterly knackered but the kids are just amazing and we as a 3 are bonding more and more each day.

We never missed our dad either when new gf/wifey turned up and became part of the reason he was too busy for his kids anymore. Children remember. You're doing your best despite their fuckwit father x

I can’t say it anymore but you are amazing! God he’s a FOOL

@YouJustDoYou Now you mention it I can't remember ever actually missing my Dad either. We lived 2 hours away from him after my mum moved us away so only saw him a few times a year. I think my DS misses ex, ex is great at being the class clown type so very tiresome for me but great for a 6 year old, so DS thinks he's the bees knees. And misses that part I think.

@Noshowlomo thank you so much. He is a massive fool and I told him that. He laughed in my face. 🙄

I think my DS misses ex, ex is great at being the class clown type so very tiresome for me but great for a 6 year old, so DS thinks he's the bees knees. And misses that part I think

That'll grow old quick as your ds ages. Trust me. Kids see straight through it. I work as a nursery assistant for ages newborn to 5 and the amount of little kids totally.blasè about "I won't see dad this weekend, he's with his gf" and they happily.carrying on playing not giving a shit, but cry and cry all day for mum....mum matters. It's not pc to say, but the kids mostly cry for their mum's. The ones who never see their dad's...Don't miss them.

Is he all there OP?

Seriously what man cheats on his wife and then expects to join in on your family trips during your contact time? And then blame you for saying no?

Does someone need to explain to him how separation works? He doesn't get to have his flat and girlfriend on one side and walk into your house for family dinner and activities and everyone remain the good guy. He doesn't get to blame you when he tealises divorce is messy and things won't ever be the same again. He made that a reality when he walked out on you and his family. He's an actual idiot.

carrying on playing not giving a shit, but cry and cry all day for mum....mum matters. It's not pc to say, but the kids mostly cry for their mum's.

H tells me that if I leave our DC will hate me and blame me for leaving. He says if we separate he wants them full time or not at all. And if he doesn't have them then when they become adults they will look for him, kids always want their fathers and he will tell them why he couldn't be with me because I am rude and fat and they will blame me for not keeping him interested by doing what he wants.

I said I'm sorry if y dad walked out of my life because he couldn't stand my mum that would be a crap excuse to me especially if he didn't even try to see me on weekends and he said I was rude so I started to doubt myself.

Hearing you say that makes me feel better about leaving. Just getting my ducks in a row.

@Winniethepoohbear I left ex my DC don’t even think about him and are happy and healthy and growing into amazing young adults without any hurt or upset about not having their abusive father in their lives.

They know why he’s not in our lives and don’t want him around either.

Man, you’re kids are so lucky to have a mum like you. Almost identical situation happened to a good friend of mine, so horribly predictable and so awfully sad. 8years on, the 3 kids have pieced it all together and have zero respect for him. The relationship between mother and kids is amazing.

I am dealing with a either a total narc or a man who is about to have a total nervous breakdown.

I think the latter too.

@Guiltypleasures001

Your post is spot on. He's in panic mode. This wasn't his plan...he didn't want to leave the marriage.

He wanted his OW and wife/family.

It's all gone to pot now. It's not so much fun with the OW anymore... the sneaking around was all part of it.

He doesn't have to sneak around anymore, that s light has been shone on the affair.

And from OWs in this position this is their current status ......

"He's so miserable since he's left. I thought he would be happy with me because he always said this is what he wanted ...us together. He said his marriage was awful, she doesn't care etc etc. If it was that bad he should be happy she knows and we're together now. He says it's the kids he misses. She won't let him see them...she's turning them against him......"

@Winniethepoohbear please don't believe any of what your H has said don't doubt yourself. He sounds bloody awful.
Yes, and regarding my ex I honestly think he believes he can have it all. He is messing me about with this weekend again. The arrangement he has them for the day on a Sunday. He can only do a few hours now. It's the same crap every week. I am just hoping now he will just go away slowly.
I am making big plans for the Easter and summer lots of visiting family etc. Me and the kids are planning our day out in London and none of it includes him.
He has never taken them anywhere on his own before ever. He can't cope, that's why he wants days with me, so I will pick up the slack.
I feel a lot better this week, almost like a sense of freedom has come over me which feels good.
Had a meeting with the new Senco at my sons school yesterday and turns out he is gorgeous and possibly the nicest man I have ever met! I think I have a slight crush! 🙄 (I embarrass myself 😂) He has set in plan amazing things to help my DS cope better and I feel really hopeful.

A good crush is probably exactly just what you need to remind yourself that you are a fully-functioning woman outside of the ex twit and the everyday grind of being the only adult those kids can count on.

@justilou1 I was so embarrassing he shook my hand and I am pretty sure I visibly swooned.🙄😂

OP your update made me smile 😊

@isbutteracarb

Had another row with him about contact AGAIN just being difficult. I asked him to have the kids for a weekend in a few weeks and take them to his parents. He just says he will get back to me, not sure if he can bla bla bla.He just will not stick to times, any prearranged stuff. I have had it. I have asked him to stay away this weekend I can't be bothered with the drama of it all. He still thinks he can hang out at mine.
I have just said we need a calm weekend without wondering whether he will turn up, he has told me he is very stressed out at the moment (poor lamb) so I have said we all need a break from all of it him included. So will see him next week.
The kids have some fab activities with their friends this weekend DS at soft play and DD at a pool party thing. So will have some time to myself. I just want a break from it all before I lose my damn mind.

Bloody hell he just thought he could wander in and out. Like you were the movies. No inclination to share the load of parenting. NONE! No responsibility.

Wow, do you have any reliable child care. Everyone needs a break now and again. If he is not willing, is there anyone else that could take them for a night? Would you consider moving to be closer to your own family after you divorce. I'm just thinking of you here. I spilt with my husband years ago and moved to be closer to my own family to have support. I worry that you have all this landed on top of you with no one offering you emotional support or a chance to unwind irl.

Funny that, my ex also likes to tell me how stressed he was (and still does, 2 years later) when it was him who had the affair and me left to pick up the pieces and deal with the kids and the heartache.

He went away for a city break with the ow a few months after he left but it "wasn't a holiday"...no...he "needed a break". Poor thing, my heart bled 🙄

Just shows, it's the women who have babies for a reason. We are warriors.

I did consider moving but to be honest I don't have family who would help anyway. My dad is elderly and step mum disabled and in a wheel chair. My mum and step dad don't do babysitting, I was told by my mum she would never look after my kids for me as she has done her bit. Fair enough.
So I am on my own, I have friends so in an emergency I would have cover but they all have kids themselves and most are single/divorced mums who are dealing with the same crap.
The only time I would get a break was if I packed them off to the in laws for a week over summer. But DS would hate it.
It is a very difficult situation and I don't have any support irl really. I have siblings but they live all over the country.
I have great emotional support from some amazing friends though, and just so happens that a few of them are professionals in all this stuff, to do with kids, families etc. So I am getting some stellar advice and help with bits.
I just need to keep moving forward and hope it gets better.

In the early days of separation the feckless father of mine never had the kids and didn't have them overnight for nearly 2 years. Now several years later he more or less sticks to one night a week (they are still dropped if something better comes along). It is what it is and mediation is not an option as I would be paying for it and court costs as well so I just suck it up and plan nice stuff for the weekends they are dropped like hot potatoes. He's missing out as far as I'm concerned. You do deserve a break though so find a decent childminder and tell him he will be paying.

I was about to suggest the child minder also. I know he’s as tight as a frog’a arse, but as he’s disinclined to look after his own children, and you have it in writing that he is “too stressed” and has better things to do than to lock himself in to regular contact visits, surely a solicitor will factor this into his maintenance.

Oh, and GO TO THE SOLICITOR ASAP

Just a note of caution here, Apricots, about the crush.

In short, don't be so quick to let him near your DS.

Very bluntly, paedophiles often target children in the guise of knights in shining armour helping in difficult situations.

I suggest you put it to your exH that he needs to piss or get off the pot where contact with the children is concerned.

Make him decide. Ask him to reflect and to be realistic about how he intends to proceed.

You can do this by taking the matter of visitation to court and getting an order, either stipulating contact on certain days for certain periods of time, or stipulating no contact (with attendant financial support for you so that you can afford normal educational or recreational activities and opportunities that he might otherwise be assumed to provide on weekends/during contact time).

Please, please go and see a solicitor.