Husband left for woman half his age.

[Apricot10]

Just that really.
He has left me for a 25 year old. He is 40 next month.
We have two children 6 and 9. My DS is Autistic. So I have been left with two children who can't understand why he has gone, especially my DS.
He has moved in with her, so I said I wasn't happy with the children visiting his place as they need more time to adjust to us being apart before he introduces anyone else.
So he is taking them to their grandparents when he has them.
He told me all of this by text. Won't give me her name said I might stalk her. (Like I have the time if I wanted to)
We were together 18 years married 11. I am totally devastated. Just been wrapping presents crying my eyes out.
I just feel so helpless and desperate.
I can't look at him, I feel sick when I do. I loved him for so many years. Why do they do this? What can he surely have in common with this girl?

I wouldn’t text back. Really annoys them.

Agree don’t respond and block. He will be able to see instantly that you have blocked him on WA.

@WellHolyGodMiley ex FIL knew about the affair and welcomed OW into their home before I even knew about it all. So, not horrible but they betrayed me and DCs massively. Yep have blocked now, thought I had the first time.
I am not interested in engaging in any of it.

Wow that is a betrayal.

You are right. They are trying to gauge you for their own purposes

I’m not sure OP, the FIL might feel totally ashamed of his son, but not show it. Most fathers I think would be ashamed of their son who has obviously cheated.

However you don’t need to speak to him. Just a short text message.

I’m not sure OP, the FIL might feel totally ashamed of his son, but not show it. Most fathers I think would be ashamed of their son who has obviously cheated.

Doubt it.

This FIL did exactly the same thing when his son was younger - the MIL took him back. So this is their standards and blueprint. Totally acceptable to dump your family - have an affair and waltz back in with zero consequences.

Great advice from freezingold above.

So sorry you’re going through this - they always make it your fault my exh was angry and horrrible to me when HE was having an affair.

You and the DCs WILL get through it. stick to your guns re contact - shame he isnt thinking about their well being like you

Yeah he did it to MIL and he has minimised his sons actions from the beginning. Just saying it will all work out okay, just brushing it all under the rug just like ex does.
They pulled rank massively, so I knew where I stood right away. It was heartbreaking they were my in laws for nearly 20 years.

@Lozzerbmc I really wish he did too, it feels so weird one minute being totally on the same page regarding your kids welfare then the next at war with each other. She must be some woman, for him to screw everyone over like this for her. 🙄

Sad to read all this OP. You are amazingly resilient and kind though. I couldn’t be like you, which I could but I’m full of rage.

I really wish he did too, it feels so weird one minute being totally on the same page regarding your kids welfare then the next at war with each other. She must be some woman, for him to screw everyone over like this for her. 🙄

That made me sad😞😞. It's crazy how you think you know someone inside out.. and overnight they become unrecognisable. You're doing so well @Apricot10, glad you've decided to go on the holiday with the kids after all👍🏻.

Haven't posted on this thread for weeks but @Apricot10, I think you are amazing.

I admire your strength and the support here is nothing short of awesome.

Hope it not too sappy a thing to say, but keep on keeping on

The support on here has been magnificent and has really pulled me through the last month. Not sure I would have got through it without this thread and I can't thank you all enough.

I have been reading your story from the beginning and I'm sorry this is happening to you. I think it's very telling that he allowed himself to become involved with a woman who said she wasn't interested in his kids. I also think that he is totally trying to control and manipulate you into doing things his way. So as for the abuse re the children's visitation it's time to get tough. Firstly remember this is a guy who has cheated on his family and now wants to keep you as his side family whilst banging some airhead so contact a solicitor and state all contact for the kids must be done formerly now. Maybe through mediation service. This is not your fault and it will be difficult for the children to begin with however a routine will be put in place that he has to stick to. Use the resources of the meetings you have been attending to discuss ds's problems coping with the new arrangements. Force his hand to step up. It is not your responsibility to facilitate his contact with his children and take his and her wants into consideration. He made the time to see her behind his family's back so he can change things to see his children consistently. Also he will continue to play games and get nasty every time you don't give in therefore a formal, set in stone arrangement will be best for the kids too. Tell him you are doing this as he isn't the only one who gets to have a life and you are going to start living yours! So no more taking abusive messages and orders. He doesn't get to dictate how you live your life anymore and all the guilting etc has to stop. Honestly never heard such an entitled man try get some advice from children1stmediation.co.uk

Yeh i have a tendency to rationise OTHER PEOPLE'S bad behavior to me, so threads like this are invaluable to people who have given too much, put up with too much.

If you can emerge from this believing that your new boundary is entirely reasonable, then you are the winner.

It can take a while for life to mete out its fruits so to speak.

For a long time after my x i saw him or knew that he was upgrading his car, out there dating, hating and blaming me for leaving him. I was struggling to build myself back up out of that rubble but when i look at his life and my life now, im happier than he is, better relationship with kids, happier with the secure income/home i have.

You will come out of this the winner.

I just wanted to say you are doing great! Down days are part and parcel, let yourself feel them and deal with them however you need.

My ex husband did the same, 4 weeks after our son turned 1 he left saying he wasnt happy and didnt want to be married with 2 kids anymore. His parents said he was confused and to give him space, I told them to tell him to grow up and be a father! Turned out he was seeing his best friends sil who was about 18!

Long story short, that went sour very quickly after it all came out, he jumped into another relationship from which he had another child. I filed for divorce after my confronting him about the impending new arrival to be told that "it's not what he wanted".

It was a long hard road for about a year or so, I hated letting the kids go to their dads and interact with the gf, hated hearing her voice saying goodnight to them when he would call to day goodnight. Eventually though, I began to enjoy my eow alone, lie ins, long hot bubble baths with a good book, eating and drinking what I wanted. I eventually even started dating, but I kept my life with the kids separate. He left the mother of his other child after a year or so and has had relationship after relationship since! Hes just got engaged on new years eve, I hope hes finally happy.

Me, I met someone who is 11 years younger than me where I used to work, he seemed nice and had a cheeky personality but was nothing like what I thought was my type. He asked me out and I went with an open mind. We have now been together almost 6 years, married in 2018 and are 13 weeks away from the birth of our son. My kids adore him, he has been an amazing step dad and loves them like they're his own. I couldnt imagine my life without him now.

It might not seem like it now, I know I never thought I'd do all this again, but you will have a great life without him, and your kids have an amazing role model to look up to in you by being how strong you are and being their constant love and support, you are showing your kids what not to accept in their future relationships and they will be amazing grownups all because of you, never forget that!

You are doing brilliantly, you really are.

I worry about how my ex's affair and our subsequent separation has affected our kids and that's without any special needs. My son does however need routine and doesn't cope well with change but thankfully my ex didn't behave quite as appallingly as yours and rented a place on his own fairly quickly so that the kids could have regular time with him and I could have a break.

I take it your dc know why you separated? This was a tricky one for me as I chose not to tell ours the reason. It was worse for me this way as I had to pretend that the separation was a mutual decision and see the pain in their eyes because they thought (as I did) that we were happy. It meant though that their relationship with their dad wasn't damaged any more than it needed to be and they didn't need to find out that he wasn't the perfect father they believed him to be.

I have told him though that although I will never tell them out of spite about his affair, if they ask I will not lie to them and he has to be prepared for that.

he introduced the ow after 6 months and it hurt like hell but actually, she wasn't as big a part of their lives as I feared she would be. It was quite clear that she had no desire to play step mum at 28 to her 40 year old boyfriend's pre-teens and I think their lives were quite separate when he had the kids, which was a factor that lead to them splitting up a couple of years later. They didn't even mention it to me when he told them they had split up which says it all really.

I think others are right - what my and your ex's did to us was one thing. We didn't deserve it but we are grown adults and can deal with it. Kids are kids and do not have the same coping mechanisms and their responsibilities as a father are far greater than those of a husband. You need to get legal advice and do what YOU feel is right for your dc. His wants and needs come third in this scenario after your dc's and yours.

There are consequences to doing what the hell you like and he will have to live with them. And no, she won't be worth it. Not for a second.

You're coping so well.

You know it's only a matter of time until he's begging to come back, and blaming you for breaking up the family if you say no? Just be ready.

I'm literally disgusted at the things he says to you. You're lucky he wants to be friends as you were such a cow?

Honestly makes me want to hunt him down and throw stuff at him.

May I just add a bit of perspective with regards to the 'friends things'?

Firstly I absolutely appreciate how crap your situation is and what an absolute arse your DH has been. I have no doubt that this is very very raw for you. Totally understandable.

I have read most of the thread but apologies if I've missed anything.

In time you need to reach civility for the sake of your children. They do have to come first, for both of you, so he needs to up his game and come to the party fully. Please believe me when I say that anything but will have a negative impact on your children.

Be mad at him of course. But do it by text or e-mail. A united front is needed for the children.

I know of someone whose ex is still incredibly bitter 4 years down the line. The children see it and get caught in the middle. He wants civility for his children and in actual fact he still cares for her as the mum of his children and will do what he can if she needs his help. Not ALL men do it as a way of 'showing off' or keeping the ex in the background.

I have seen these situations unfold and its not pleasant for the children.

Really? You thought this was the place for a bit of NAMALT?

Loveabitofrain it’s true but it’s a bit inconsiderate for him to assume she will move on within few days while he has months and months and months of infidelity to think things through..

It’s on him that she is struggling becshse he ended things in a shitty way and catered to his own feelings first and disregarded hers.

If he talked it out like a normal person and decided they would go their separate ways then that’s different. But he wasn’t exactly friendly wirh how he betrayed her was he??

So let’s not expect OP to be less human

I would say for the sake of the kids, take out your anger on crafty ways and then you can move on together.

Get dressed up for a date when he comes and tell him that you want to go out and see a colleague that you have ALWAYS fancied while married to him because he was a lot more attractive and that You’re glad you can finally see him without being responsible for breaking the marriage. And then tell him you are grateful that you can remain friends and you feel blessed that you can be with ur crush while not losing your family and it’s a win win.

But then I’m petty. So I’ll wait to see if pp think this is bad advice and then take it back

Or you can be civil and tell him you want to be on good terms but need time to process your shock and feelings and to bloody piss off for now until you are ready .

@Nsws2015 What a lovely turn up for what started out so horribly for you. Thank you for sharing your story. Good luck for your new little one's arrival!

OP has put her children first, and is in fact pretty much sole carer for them. But putting the children first shouldn't come at the expense of looking after yourself. OP is in a terrible place right now and needs to look after her own mental and physical well-being, or else she'll end up being able to care properly for the children.

He needs to respect her boundaries and there is absolutely no reason she should be friends with him. Civil for the children's sake, yes. Though I'd be in the shower with the radio on calling him all the names under the sun!

I also think you need to go through a solicitor now. Unfortunately it doesn't sound like he will step up and the longer it continues the more difficult it will be for yourself and the kids.

*NOT being able

Hi op

So sorry your going through this and the kids

My Penny's worth is this

His behaviour is all panic mode, he knows he's fucked up big time, he sees no choice but to have to make it work with her. Your in his eyes intransigence to help him out in all this, is messing his game plan up.

To make all this work he needs everyone singing from the same page, this unfortunately includes the kids. I imagine he's barely holding it together (diddums I know) but the more you remain calm under fire and don't give in to his let's be mates bollox, you will see an escalation in his behaviour.

The more crippling his very well hidden guilt gets, the worse his outward behaviour will be. I doubt very much his world is all rosey, he's relying on her good will to have somewhere to sleep.

He's trying to balance so many balls in his mind that is, he's relying heavily on you to take care of the other business.

This meeting the ow with the kids thing, is his desperation to play happy swapped families. His world will implode, if his health doesn't first.

You just need to somehow baton down the hatches and ride your side of the storm out, I don't imagine it's easy for a minute, I have been there honest.
Lots of power to your elbow lovely