Husband left for woman half his age.

[Apricot10]

Just that really.
He has left me for a 25 year old. He is 40 next month.
We have two children 6 and 9. My DS is Autistic. So I have been left with two children who can't understand why he has gone, especially my DS.
He has moved in with her, so I said I wasn't happy with the children visiting his place as they need more time to adjust to us being apart before he introduces anyone else.
So he is taking them to their grandparents when he has them.
He told me all of this by text. Won't give me her name said I might stalk her. (Like I have the time if I wanted to)
We were together 18 years married 11. I am totally devastated. Just been wrapping presents crying my eyes out.
I just feel so helpless and desperate.
I can't look at him, I feel sick when I do. I loved him for so many years. Why do they do this? What can he surely have in common with this girl?

Hi Apricot so sorry he is treating your children like this. This is all his doing. It will be heartbreaking to allow your children to go to the flat but I think you have to or alternatively involve social services and ask them to make the decision on your children's behalf.

I suspect your DC having contact with the OW won't be an issue for long, she'll either make herself scarce while they're there or kick him to the kerb, more likely the latter. No offence to your lovely kids but she probably didn't expect the whole package or she would have welcomed them with open arms from the start.

His behaviour is erratic and illogical, one week he wants you to go to the theatre, you were his best friend and "God, I miss you" next week you are responsible for making him unfaithful. Arsehole! Refusing to be his friend and play happy families at your house has provoked his behaviour. He's not in a happy place or he wouldn't need to see so much of you. He should be be walking about like a dog with 2 dicks, he got rid of you and won the main prize, what more does he need?

Anyhoo, less of the arsehole ex. I hope you're eating, sleeping and talking to good friends in real life. And another thing record everything and SEE A SOLICITOR!!! ❤❤❤

He starting spouting that I was awful for 15 years of our marriage, that she paid him attention and he went for it.

Wow... just wow. This man is 40. Shocking!
Funny he still wants to be friends, despite the fact you were so "Awful".

I must say he's a right piece of shit.
Would you consider letting him come to yours to see them. And then YOU go out once he's arrived 😂😂. Go to dinner with a friend and take a break. Bring your friend back to the house afterwards so he can't make small talk with you and have her show him out while you check on the kids.

That way the kids aren't forced to meet the other woman (who clearly doesn't want them either)

They're in a familiar environment which is less stress on your son.

AND.. your "husband" doesn't get to hang out with YOU for precious "family time" either. He's getting what he asked for, except friendly time with you. While you're out you should see your solicitor.

It seems like a complete mess now but it will backfire on him big time. He's just digging his own grave. His relationship with the OW is doomed if he feels he hasn't even got a connection with her.

By the way I think you're incredible holding strong and not retaliating. He's feeling guilty as fuck, projecting, because he KNOWS he's in the wrong and he wants you to feel as shit about your behaviour/marriage as possible to match how HE feels inside. I know it's sooo incredibly difficult to do and hear but every time he starts that BS, your attitude should stay something along the lines of... (with a straight face void of emotion)

"That's a terrible shame you felt so unhappy in our marriage, and rather than communicating your stresses & worries with me, you felt forced find happiness elsewhere."
And also that despite how difficult things are now between you both "you were actually incredibly happy being married to him and it saddens you now to realise, how one sided it was."

Then walk away.

god he really is an arsehole isnt he

I think you should do as PP suggested - let him see DC at the house but absent yourself. What he wants is to come round and have you there to manage anything that's difficult with DC, so he can Disney dad away with you hovering in the background. No.

say yes you can come and see DC and then go away and leave him to it

I cant bear menchildren who can take responsibility for nothing

Not going to lie I read all these updates sobbing my eyes out this afternoon. Thanks everyone. I don't feel sad for the loss of my marriage anymore, I miss my family unit but me and the kids are doing okay. I made the decision that I am going to take them on the previously booked family holiday on my own this July.
I was going to cancel but now I think sod it, I might be mad but I am going to take them just the 3 of us.
I just need something to look forward to.
Yes regarding to how erratic his behaviour is he told me I should think myself lucky that he wants to be my friend after what a cow I was. But yes, one minute I am his best friend with whom he will never have the same rapport with "ever again," to I am the reason he left because I was a horrible person.
I can't keep up.
Got a crazy busy week at work this week which I am quite glad about, just gives me something to take my kind off all of this crap.

Don’t let him in the door. DS will think he’s home and you will have to pick up the pieces when he leaves again. Also, it’s YOUR space now.

I think that's when it hits you hardest apricot. First shock, then through a fight or flight feeling you took a stand, now, you have to accept a new future and maybe a new identity. But it is a good identity and you grow in to it.

I felt so demoralised after i left my kids father. But I am proud of myself now, my decisions, what I went through.

I saw this on fb and some hate facebook wisdom but here goes, instead of the narrative "im in pain" play a different tape; "i'm healing. I'm growing as a person"

🏆

Definitely go on holiday. Just take it easy.

This is all going to backfire- on him. She won’t want to be a family with your kids, and the older your kids get the more they’ll speak for themselves and probably make it known in their own words to their faces how much they resent their dad and his tart!!!

Good for you going on holiday. I wouldn't have contact at your house, for your sake and your children's. They need to get used to the new normal in their own time and if that's not at his new place then his mum's or even a hotel and make it an adventure for your dc. I feel for you all, I remember my ds really struggling when his dad left abruptly for an ow, but it does all work out over time, you're in the eye of the storm just now. Mine got ow pregnant before he left so had to deal with mine having a new baby sibling literally weeks into separation, you can't control him and his feckless ways so look after yourself and your DC like you are doing and ignore his pathetic behaviour as best you can and put firm boundaries in place which suit you and your dc

What a cunt, I hope she dumps him.

@yesterdaystotalsteps123 yes I can imagine that's what we will be dealing with soon. God I am sorry you had to deal with the OW plus a baby in all of it, that's bloody awful. And yes regarding contact. I wanted them to start getting used to having time at dads and time at home and them being separate things. But he is determined to make it all as difficult as possible.
@fluffycloudland77 I hope she does too.
@justilou1that exactly what my DS shouts when he knocks on the door and my DS uells daddy's home! It's very sad.

Yells

Definitely go on the holiday, it'll give you something to look forward too and he'll see you getting on without him, doubt he'll like that.

You'll be so proud of yourself for taking the children away by yourself, afterwards you'll think "If I can do that, I can do anything"...And it's true

Oh my dear, what a shitty time you’re having, I’ve been through a very similar situation. He’s still with ow (tbh I’d rather him be with her than someone decent). And it might take time but you will trust and love again (I have a new dp and am happier than ever).

We had a holiday booked when I found out. I went on it with dc, they were worried about dad not being there, I reassured them with “yes things will be different, but different doesn’t mean bad, different can be good”

I’m afraid shitty things will keep cropping up, that’s the nature of this situation but you and your dc are a tight unit that nothing can break.

You have survived this so you will now survive anything else life throws at you. You are such a strong person, your life will only soar now

Get tough about the kids. Just like a broken record refuse to play into his selfishness.

No your DC do not want to meet OW. Say you’ve big concerns about their emotional wellbeing and that is your top priority.
No it is not convenient at your house.
No it is not going to work with erratic hours, the kids need stability.

It is that simple. Whatever he says. Do not even respond. Just keep repeating the above.

If he stubbornly insists and takes them to meet OW or takes you to court, then so be it. You have not refused access, which is key. You have just stuck up for your children. It will send a strong signal to him that he needs to think of the children before himself or the OW. So what if she’s worried, does that trump your own children needing time?

He sounds like he’s developed a nasty streak, with the shouting running up to this, and the putting down of you. You need to protect yourself. Ask your solicitor what you can do if he keeps sending nasty messages.

One good thing, is that you don’t have to put up with his whining and nasty communications anymore. You really don’t.

He’s keeping the focus on HiM. You keep it on YOu and the KiDs.

Ps have had many holidays now with my kids on my own. It’s really lovely! The kids have a great time as I don’t feel lonely at all, seeing other couples struggle or bicker - it’s a refreshing and very bonding experience.

Make this the first of many and start setting up new traditions. Like have a take away Saturday and a film or something. It really helps stabilise the situation and makes them feel safe.

She knew he was married with kids when she started shagging him. She has made it very clear that she didn’t want to “play at” being a stepmum. If your DS has emotional breakdowns and continence issues while at her place, she’s REALLY not going to relish the experience, is she? (Neither is he, btw...) I can’t see him forcing the issue and killing what we already suspect is the dying of the flushing bloom of romance there. Call his bluff. He is fully expecting you to capitulate on this one. Have them dressed and ready to potter off to see Daddy’s new digs next access day and watch him squirm.

Had a text from ex FIL today, asking how we all are. I didn't respond. I haven't heard from him in a month and then he just texts like nothing has happened. Obviously where his son gets it from. Urgh. I was feeling a bit stronger today first time I had started to look forward a bit and then ping ex FIL pops up. I had blocked him on text not knowing this didn't translate to Whatsapp.

Id text back something like "I'll get through this".
It doesnt gloss over what their son did but shows that you are the strong one.

Unless yr xfil was horrible?

Obviously little man child STBXH has gone running and bleating on to daddy because you won’t let him have his cake and eat it. Like he was allowed to.
FiL is not YOUR friend. He hasn’t supported you or your DCs. He is only in contact to manipulate for his son.

Block

I’m suspicious that he’s fishing for information as your fucking useless ex is no doubt playing the poor-me card, claiming that you won’t let him see his own children.

I would be tempted to write back and say something like “No. Our relationship was over when you admitted that you knew that your son had been cheating on me and his children. Don’t contact me again.”