Husband left for woman half his age.

[Apricot10]

Just that really.
He has left me for a 25 year old. He is 40 next month.
We have two children 6 and 9. My DS is Autistic. So I have been left with two children who can't understand why he has gone, especially my DS.
He has moved in with her, so I said I wasn't happy with the children visiting his place as they need more time to adjust to us being apart before he introduces anyone else.
So he is taking them to their grandparents when he has them.
He told me all of this by text. Won't give me her name said I might stalk her. (Like I have the time if I wanted to)
We were together 18 years married 11. I am totally devastated. Just been wrapping presents crying my eyes out.
I just feel so helpless and desperate.
I can't look at him, I feel sick when I do. I loved him for so many years. Why do they do this? What can he surely have in common with this girl?

@StarUtopia she is 24 he is 40. The issue is she had an affair with my husband regardless of age I am torn to shreds about it.

@Freezingold yup he is being a total arse. He has really wants his cake.

Oh @Apricot10, you know you really don’t deserve this shit.... What a turdburger he is. You must almost be grateful your eyes have been opened to his entitled behaviour!!!

He doesn't like the fact I don't want him in my life, blames me for him cheating,

Nothing like someone failing to take responsibility for their own actions eh.

Why would he want you in his life when you made him do something so bad like cheating.

I have told him to contact me only about the children via email from now on and have blocked his number

Well done. You don't owe him friendship.

He's probably kicking himself for his stupidity.

He's thrown away his marriage for nothing and he's taking out his frustrations on you.

He knows the thing with the OW won't last, but he pretty much made his bed....or dig his grave.

dug his own grave

Don't even bother to defend yourself @Apricot10, he sounds like such a blamer. Can take no responsibility for anything.

I believe you that you are devastated now but believe that you will be the one to get through this stronger, while he becomes more of a blamer every day.

He has been sending me abusive texts this evening throwing everything but the kitchen sink at me. He doesn't like the fact I don't want him in my life, blames me for him cheating,
Add another square to the mid life bingo for that. They think they are so original and unique, so wrapped up in themselves and their Drama, but they all follow the same script. How boringly predictable. But so hurtful all the same .

I have told him to contact me only about the children via email from now on and have blocked his number.
Well done you!

He is mainly annoyed that you won't fight with his girlfriend over him. You have denied him the ego gratification he was banking on - the cheek of you.

He is obviously missing you and is desperate to hold onto any type of relationship. However, he still wants the OW in his bed while you and the kids are at the side.

Well done for putting him in his place. I am glad you are not playing the 'pick me dance'

He’s still holding on to the same entitlement that drove him to believe he could have his family and cheat in the first place. Nice wife, kids, job, young bit on the side - perfect!

This entitlement comes from a belief that he deserves it. And feels more of a man. Look at me, I’m so verile, so much status, I have everything but you know, I’m not old yet because I can still attract youth, makes me feel alive.

And then boom! You find out OP and there are actual costs for him. His entitlement is at a cost. To you and his family which really are the core of his life. Just totally taken for granted.

His abusive texts to you are him being totally panicked. He had a choice, admit, repent and remorse. Grow the hell up.

Or cling on to his entitled self. Which cannot contemplate that he has made a massive mistake, and that instead of verile he’s seedy, predictable and selfish. Your very being now OP, as the devastated wife is too much reality for him to handle.

If he was adult enough to handle it, he’d probably never have cheated in the first place.

However it’s still a choice. Right now he could actually pull his finger out and at the very least own the hurt and pain he’s caused his family. Shame on him.

My step mum said she had never known a couple with more of a connection than me and him and that he is now missing that. He threw it all away for a bit of excitement.
I do believe when the hurt and anger goes away I will be thankful I am away from him. I do deserve more than this, I hope there is someone out there for me but if not I will he okay. My priority are my DC at the moment. My DS is not doing well at all, I have been called into school every day this week because he isn't coping. Keeps crying, soiling himself it's awful.
I feel so helpless as to what to do for him. It's so hard.

Sending you a big hug, OP. I take it the school always contact you and not him? I hope he is aware of the impact this is having on your DC. He needs to prioritise being a father at this point, instead of hurling abuse at the one person who is dealing with the impact of all his shit day in, day out.

Was he always so selfish about doing his bit caring for the kids? This behaviour for me would be the one thing I could absolutely never forgive. Even affairs can potentially be worked through in the right circumstances, but seeing the father of my children behave so selfishly about their welfare would 100% kill off any remaining feelings I had for him.

@crookedhouse yes, this is the most unforgivable part for me, his little boy needs him so much now and he has put this woman ahead of all of it. He moved in with her which just makes it all so much harder for my DS to spend time with his dad without coming home from his flat and feeling confused as the why there is obviously someone else living there. Ex just skirts around the issue.
He knows what happening with DS, knows I have an emergency meeting next week with Senco, just said send me any reports you get. Ex knows why this is happening and that's why he won't attend. And do you know what? He blames me because I have stopped family time.🙄
No matter what it will all be my fault in his eyes. What my DS needs now is consistency that's all he needs. It's that simple. This is a child that can go into a week long spiral if I change the direction we walk to school one morning. His Dad leaving is a change he cannot handle it's too great. I just have to keep him going the best I can. School have been brilliant, they always are but unfortunately the Senco has recently changed too so that's an adjustment too. Ugh, it's just hard work. I hope this little tart was worth it.

I’m so sorry, @Apricot10
Have you heard anymore from your husband today now that he’s blocked?

This child’s dad is a absolute coward who even prior to the tart, did not face up to his responsibilities with the kids. The sooner you get to the solicitor and shore up CMS and access, the sooner you get routine and life back. If he is not taking the kids, he can pay for QUALIFIED carer so you can get some time out!!!

💐🍰☕️

My DS has similar special needs and if there’s one thing I’ve learned since separating from cheating Ex, is that I just do not budge when it comes to DSs wellbeing. Which means being quite different from a ‘normal’ child.

I did start off with EOW and also letting Ex have time with us all as a family and it was a disaster. Ex spent EOW undoing all the careful work I was breaking my back trying to do with DS, mostly by letting his family do half of it, and by not being in touch with how DS was really. Of course it was all my fault, there was no problem etc. except he didn’t see the changes. He would be out with his new gfs or on the phone to them half the time too. Basically DS was either left too long to his own devices (but he was good as gold Ex would say... yeah he was in a corner by himself) or with his family who were overbearing and grabby (and had no idea of how sensitive DS is). Either way he came back in an agitated state.

So I consulted professionals and made DSs time all about what was good for DS and not me, or Ex or anyone. Ex didn’t like it, as I was saying okay his time needs structuring like this, his family had to back off, and I cut down his hours with Ex until DS was more stable. Only then could we negotiate more time with Ex.

I don’t know what is going to work with you in the future. However if it is truly centred on DS NEEDS and not what your Ex WANTS - then things become clearer. My DS is loads happier and unfortunately part of that is because he spends the majority of the time with me. I wish I could have more time off tbh but he needs stability far more than another child who could cope with changing homes so frequently.

In my view, this is something my Ex totally selfishly overlooked when we started a family together. He just didn’t factor in that having a disabled child would mean that separation has a much much greater impact. It’s just not okay to pretend that you can be as good a father. Some kids need the intact family unit so much more than others, and our DSs are one of those.

So unfortunately OP I think it shows your Ex in a more disgraceful light, he’s not blind, it’s his responsibility to have done the very best for his special needs son. He should not have abandoned him and he will not be able to make up for that.

And another thing - when drawing up finances with the solicitor, list special needs childminding costs, for you to have breaks and also if you work or when you work. Cost in private therapies and activities. Special needs holiday clubs or higher costs private ones that have facilities for him.

I did and it’s a lot!

My Ex did not cough up for much of it, however he was humbled just seeing all the costs written down. Especially childcare. He did not agree to fund half cost of special needs childcare, for me working full time - but somewhere it made him back off moaning that I was asking for too much. It’s the reality these kids cost so much. And what happens is we women usually just do the extra ourselves so the costs are hidden.

How are you OP?

Hi everyone, it's bad. He has basically said now that if he can't see the kids at my house, he will be introducing the OW to them because why should she be turfed out of her home to accommodate the kids visiting. Both kids have said they don't want to meet her yet.
My DS begged me to not make him go, my DD said she didn't want to meet her. They have visited his flat twice and haven't stayed over yet, and he wants them to stay over and her be there.
He got very very nasty when we spoke about this, the way he speaks to me is with such venom.
I have asked him he let's them have a few visits with him at his flat without her there while they adjust to being between houses, then they can meet her (if they feel ready) he is refusing.
He just said well you will have to let me see them at your house then won't you?
Apparently OW is anxious about meeting them because she thinks they hate her. Like I give a crap how she feels.
This whole thing is just a huge mess, he won't do regular visitation, refusing to have them even every other weekend now because he may have to work.
He knows about me having to meet the school about DS but he is still insisting on this way forward.
He starting spouting that I was awful for 15 years of our marriage, that she paid him attention and he went for it.I was half of that marriage it wasn't awful. But he has literally thrown us all away because some girl was nice to him and told him how wonderful he was. He had absolutely lost his damn mind.
She can have him,.I don't care about my marriage anymore. But what he is doing to kids is just horrendous and I feel totally helpless to stop him messing them up anymore. I have been up all night worrying about it. 2 nights ago my DS was sobbing begging for me to call his dad and ask him to come back to us, he is not ready for any of this. Its just a mess.

@ apricot

I’d say ‘go on then’. And stop letting him off the hard work. Let’s be honest, if ow is worried now, imagine how she’ll be when she has to look after a SN child. Your son will be ok, that’s still his dad he’ll be with, not some stranger. He might be unsettled for a short time after, but it will also give you some time off. You need to embrace this and make it work for you.

Hi Apricot. It sounds like he is trying whatever tactics he can to get you to allow him to do visit some at yours. It also sounds from this and previous things you have said that OW doesn't want them at hers. It is really up to him who they meet whilst at his so could you not compromise and they can meet OW but not stay overnight until they are more settled. It sounds like this might bring things to a head and you and he will find out how much OW really wants them there.

OR you could just deny all visitation and force him to go through the courts. It sounds like that option may be even harder for your children - if not then go with this option. His feelings no longer count after this appalling behaviour.

Whatever you do you need regular visitation rules in place asap.

If they don't want to meet the OW, don't make them. Someone has to listen to how they feel.

The continued failure of him to not take full responsibility for this is so typical of many cheaters.

He is such a nasty, manipulative SOB, I say call his bluff. You know that Barbie doesn’t want the kids messing up her life and her house. (And neither does he.) See how quickly he backs the truck when you “let” him take the kids to the love nest. (Ratsnest). Also, GO TO THE SOLICITOR

Your gut is 100% correct - everything now is about your DCs but specifically your DS’s needs. He is not an experiment to get wrong to accommodate the needs of your STBXH and the OW. Protect your child - your know his routine and fragile circumstances - focus on this always and your DH only gets what suits your DS. Then you will always know you have taken the right decisions.

You are brilliant to have blocked him - this will allow you more headspace to conserve your limited emotional energy and use it to work out how best to keep your DS stable - not squander your finite reserves and headspace dealing with DH abuse and being triggered by OW. Look at them as intrusive thoughts that are draining and distracting you from doing the best for your son. Withdraw from them and protect yourself so that you have clarity and strength to push through.

You are doing brilliantly - just need to shake off the baggage of him.

Your emotions now are ricocheting between hurt and anger with him and her - that’s normal but exhausting, all consuming and ultimately futile. They are opposite emotions defend and attack - and in time you need to settle on sorrow. Sorrow that your marriage is over, your STBXH is not the DF he should be. Sorrow is a different emotion. It’s acceptance. It’s less energy, it is less compulsive and distracting than anger and hurt which focus on them. Sorrow frees you to let them go, grieve and adapt to your new life - to focus solely on your and your DCs. This is when you will start to make more progress toward your new life. You might not be ready to do that just yet - but that’s the journey.

You are an amazing woman and mother. Your DCs are so lucky to have you. Be proud of that and reach out to your family and friends who will always help you.

Have you started legal proceedings yet? Do you know how housing and money is likely to pan out?