Husband left for woman half his age.

[Apricot10]

Just that really.
He has left me for a 25 year old. He is 40 next month.
We have two children 6 and 9. My DS is Autistic. So I have been left with two children who can't understand why he has gone, especially my DS.
He has moved in with her, so I said I wasn't happy with the children visiting his place as they need more time to adjust to us being apart before he introduces anyone else.
So he is taking them to their grandparents when he has them.
He told me all of this by text. Won't give me her name said I might stalk her. (Like I have the time if I wanted to)
We were together 18 years married 11. I am totally devastated. Just been wrapping presents crying my eyes out.
I just feel so helpless and desperate.
I can't look at him, I feel sick when I do. I loved him for so many years. Why do they do this? What can he surely have in common with this girl?

Well, when he starts his crap to friends about your relationship you have his words to show them.signed and dated.
Absolute gold!
He is seriously deluded.. he obviously thinks he is a catch.

Gawd.
He’s a complete tool isnt he. You’re pretty epic and it’s his loss!!

Do you know what, we went through so much together, we lost babies, we had babies,we went through deaths, marriages, serious illness of family members. We went through it all. And the one constant that we had was we always laughed together, we had a really good time. The passion went off the boil a bit as it does when you have two young kids and 18 years behind you. But the sex wins out everytime. No matter how much history and life building we had together. A young thing dropping her knickers? You can't compete with that with men like him.
And I won't, he made his choice. She is obviously not turning out to be someone he can relate too much (maybe its the age gap)and that's why he wants me in his life still. He wants the chat, fun and friendship from me and the shagging from her. He is crazy.
@Scott72 I nearly started feeling sorry for him too. But, I soon snapped out of it.

@Apricot10 So much of what you say is so familiar to me. I think I may have posted already at the start (I lose track sadly as there are so many similar posts ) but my husband of 13 years (together 18, known each other since teenagers) had an affair with a 27 year old (he was about to turn 40). It was hell...absolute hell, but it was 2 years ago now and it does get better. I still feel incredibly sad when I think too much about it all as we were best friends, never argued, were the couple everyone though would be together forever...

This resonated with me: Some men are simply opportunists. He's likely seen this girl, she's shown some interest, and all of a sudden he can think of a million reasons why his marriage isn't working. Judging by what the OP has said (she is totally awesome, by the way) my take is that it's highly likely he'll come crawling back. The day he hears she's got a BF he will cry himself to sleep.

I don't think my husband was unhappy, as he likely told the OW and everyone else. I think, as you say, he got a bit bored with the life he signed up to when we had kids/a mortgage/marriage and was shown some attention and a chance at a more 'exciting' life.

However, after 2 years he split with the OW because from what i can gather, she had little interest in playing step mum to 2 pre-teen kids and actually had an issue with how much of his time he spent with his children! Hilarious! Thankfully he is a good dad and has been reliable in seeing them regularly. he rented a house fairly quickly so that he could do his fair share.

He is now seeing someone else as far as I know (older this time, with children and complications of her own funnily enough) and I have been in another relationship for 5 months. We communicate regularly about the kids, we can have conversations and we even do some of the 'talks' and chastising of the kids together as a united front. It's taken two years to get to this point and a lot of tears and hard work from me but ultimately, we both love our children and want this to affect them as little as possible.

I think he has massive regrets, although he knows me better than to tell me so because it would be futile. He chased after something that wasn't real and lost what was. That's for him to live with.

Well done to you, your children sound lovely and are very lucky to have you in their corner. I hope in time their dad realises that he needs to grow up and be the dad they deserve too.

@Sunshineandflipflops thank you. Sadly there are many stories that sound just like yours and mine. I hope he steps up soon too, we have many years of this ahead as my youngest is only 6, so he needs to sort himself out, and quick.

Do you know what, we went through so much together, we lost babies, we had babies,we went through deaths, marriages, serious illness of family members. We went through it all.

Betrayal taints everything.

@mathanxiety it really does doesn't it?

But the sex wins out everytime. No matter how much history and life building we had together. A young thing dropping her knickers? You can't compete with that with men like him.

So sad but so true. I used to be so pro the ability to divorce, pro equality in marriage, yet now I wonder whether we are now in such an easy environment for men in particular to swap their wives for a younger model. It seems endemic! Of course, if we can’t divorce men could still have affairs. Still, I think it’s so devastating. I’d hoped that women saying no to married men might work, but sadly also that doesn’t happen often enough to make a difference.

We cannot compete. I guess we have to fully stand tall and give no quarter to our Exes. Don’t give them friendship. Don’t make it easy for their consciences. Don’t even organize, place and protest their father roles for them, that is their job! In other words, we have to be ruthless to them if they’ve been ruthless to us and cut them out.

Because we are left in a very difficult and lonely place, bringing up our children and still being the core of the family. This happens I think even if there is 50/50 in most cases. And now doing this having been utterly demeaned and rejected. So I agree OP, we need to draw a big circle around us, our homes, our kids, our lives and totally focus on what is best for us. The Ex should be firmly on the outside dealing with the life he chose and created.

Place and protest?! Damn autocorrect. Placate and protect!

He chased after something that wasn't real and lost what was

Bought a bit of a tear to my eye! Poignant.

@Sunshineandflipflops I’m sorry for what you went through too. Can’t believe so many of us are on here.

I see that in my own father. His second wife, so much younger, has no substance and now neither does he. They married because he had status and he married because he fancied a younger trophy wife. Had cheated on my mum of course. I used to look up to him, before I gradually realized he’d become a but pathetic I’m ashamed to say. I do still love him, but I’m massively disappointed as his daughter. What kind of role model is that for your daughter? We never really talk about it, but that’s why we are not close, as I can’t say what needs to be said...
You abandoned me your daughter just because of wanting to have sex with women half your age!

It’s the truth of it. I see men now trying to get around that by seeing their kids as much as they can, or 50/50, and trying to be a good Dad. But the glaring fact is these men are not good Dads at all if they chose to break the family. Nothing is ever the same and that stability and security is gone forever.

It matters why a parent leaves a marriage for the child’s wellbeing. The father who doesn’t leave unless there is a total irredeemable problem within the marriage, is still a stable father. The father who chases skirt, devastates this.

I'm sorry you're going through all this. I do think the age thing is irrelevant though. I'm nearly 46 and one of my best mates is only 23! People are people once they're adults. Some are mature, some clearly never mature (in the case of your husband!) She's not a girl, she's a woman aged 25.

Sounds like it was never going to last anyway so you have to think things have happened for a reason.

He is going to quickly realise he was bloody stupid (understatement) to leave his happy family.

I think that the age of the OW is very relevant. I don’t think most people are naive enough to think that OPs husband suddenly had a cerebral connection with OW that was so immensely magical that he threw away his loving and happy marriage and devastated his children’s lives.

He just wanted to have sex with a woman young enough to be his daughter because it fed his ego. Having sex with an older woman, such as his wife, did not feed his ego enough.

The age difference is the whole reason all of this is happening to the poor OP.

We can agree to disagree. He could well have had a connection with her. Hardly young enough to be his daughter!

Just don't think it's right to call a 25 yr old woman a girl! He cheated. That's the main point. He's decided to throw away his marriage. Main point. Age of her is somewhat neither here nor there.

OP I've just read this whole thread, it's really moved me. You sound so brave and such a wonderful mum, your kids are so lucky to have you. Sending you hugs (and cake )

I am sure the OPs DH did totally fool himself that he had a connection with this OW that was nothing to do with the ego and thrill of having sex with a younger woman... who at half his age is young enough to be his daughter easily. Something particularly very seedy about that kind of cheating. Which the OP is feeling like a raw wound I imagine, which is why the post points to OWs age as a major factor in her pain and trauma.

It’s soooo depressing that I can completely identify with her, both as a divorcee and a daughter. Both times it was an ego driven selfish want for a young woman. Both times the woman is not that nice, mean and immoral people which is probably why they were fine with being OW to a man twice their age, and in no way could you describe them as compatible in any other way!

Funnily enough they spent a lot of time trying to make out their relationship was not about the obvious ego trip, which made it even more obvious and cringe!

Although not all cheating is the typical man goes for young woman when he hits his mid life crisis, an amazing number are! So. Depressing.

I’m wondering if he’s bought a leather jacket, shaved his head/grown a pony tail, had his ear pierced, got tattoos, developed a new abiding interest in the latest R&B music, and has become a vegan yoga practitioner, etc to go with the rest of the cliche....
Meanwhile, it’s clear his connection to the OW was so deep it was zipped up in his pants. Ughly...

@Apricot10 just read this entire thread and you OP are absolutely amazing 🥰

@Freezingold Thank you, you are so right about all of it. @justilou1 My friends and I have been playing mid life crisis bingo, everytime something else comes up we get another square! I reckon it will be a motorbike next.
He has been sending me abusive texts this evening throwing everything but the kitchen sink at me. He doesn't like the fact I don't want him in my life, blames me for him cheating, I have told him to contact me only about the children via email from now on and have blocked his number.Hopefully he will have got the message now. I am so tired of it all.

@whatsthecraic91 thank you.

Thank you @LoveB.

Oh Apricot10 this is so sad. I had one of these two- so he was 29 when we got together and I was 18. Thought he was sooooo sophisticated but then as I got older I realised that the reason we had worked so well when I was 18 was because he was mentally also 18, maybe even younger. When I stopped to consider it all his friends were younger (he had dropped his contemporaries and friends from uni etc and was friends with younger people at work) and had broken up with variously his older gf from uni and then his ex wife who was his age. Once I was in my mid twenties it became clear why his relationships with the women of around his age and older hadn’t worked: he seemed so juvenile even to me. We broke up and how old was his new girlfriend? 19!!

I don’t know what became of him, he would be early fifties now but I do know he never had kids and I bet he’s still acting like he’s 21, partying and thinking he’s so cool with his younger mates etc, when he was borderline tragic 20yrs ago.

I’m so sorry you’ve got caught up in a similar situation and left with the kids and the broken marriage but frankly, as it looks like you’re beginning to realise, you’re well rid. There will be a proper grown up man out there for you who enriches your life and takes half of the burden of adulthood alongside you in your life together.

And good luck to the 24 yr old. I give it five years before she’s mentally more mature than him.

WOW he's REALLY insisting that you both remain friends isn't he? It's like reality is hitting him that you're no longer part of his life & he's lashing out. Probably calling YOU selfish too. He obviously has nobody to talk to at home.

Good for you standing your ground and not rising to it. That's exactly what he wants. He's so desperate for your attention that an argument is some form of interaction. Hope you've kept that text though. Screenshot it and email it to yourself. Just in case you ever need it.

I agree that the main point is that he cheated and stepped out on his wife and children.

Men and women do date with a 15 or so age gap and do love and share a connection.
I also think that referring to her as a “young girl” isn’t right on account of she’s a woman whose decided to be with someone knowing that it’s hurting his family. Girl implies she’s too good to know better. 25 is an adult.

She's 25 and he's not yet 40. So what, 15 yr age gap at the most?

Honestly. I don't know what the stats are for being a 15yr old DAD, but I bet it's not that high! It's not like it's a 20 yr age gap. She's a grown woman.

I might be sensitive granted because there is a 14 yr age gap between me and my husband, and if anyone implied at age 14 I was old enough to be his mother, I'd be pretty fucked off!! I didn't know him as a child and this man didn't know this woman as a child - so what's the issue?!

He has been sending me abusive texts this evening throwing everything but the kitchen sink at me. He doesn't like the fact I don't want him in my life, blames me for him cheating urgh! I’m angry on your behalf. How dare he. So glad you cut him short. Don’t give him air time. He doesn’t even have the right to take up your time with his rubbish anymore.