Husband left for woman half his age.

[Apricot10]

Just that really.
He has left me for a 25 year old. He is 40 next month.
We have two children 6 and 9. My DS is Autistic. So I have been left with two children who can't understand why he has gone, especially my DS.
He has moved in with her, so I said I wasn't happy with the children visiting his place as they need more time to adjust to us being apart before he introduces anyone else.
So he is taking them to their grandparents when he has them.
He told me all of this by text. Won't give me her name said I might stalk her. (Like I have the time if I wanted to)
We were together 18 years married 11. I am totally devastated. Just been wrapping presents crying my eyes out.
I just feel so helpless and desperate.
I can't look at him, I feel sick when I do. I loved him for so many years. Why do they do this? What can he surely have in common with this girl?

I know it’s a pain in the butt, but I’d be out when he tries to dump the dc early. Do this a few times and he’s not going to do it again. Guy is clearly a grade A wanker. Also change the lock (yes yes to the ‘oops, I broke the lock, had to change the barrel) so he can’t get in. He doesn’t get to hang out at your house! Be unavailable until the time you’re meant to have the dc, as long as it doesn’t distress them.

Actually, it would totally fuck with his head if you are glammed up a bit, with hair and make up done, even if you’re meeting friends or going for a coffee. (Or heading home for a quiet bath alone - but if he has keys, I wouldn’t risk it.) If he thinks you’re sitting around pining for him to return - he seems to be - he might find this bubble bursting. Just smile mysteriously and say “Oh just meeting a friend.” Kiss the kids goodbye and say “I’ll make sure I’m back at 6, don’t worry...Have a great time with Dad, guys!” wave and potter off.

There is a lot to be said for faking it, holding your head up high and pretending to go out looking glam. I’ve done it and even the process of doing my hair and looking respectable was psychologically beneficial. Because it hurts so much still really that they’ve totally demeaned, humiliated and betrayed the family. And I mean the whole family.

He has no idea of the cost and devastation he is causing everyone.

And do not let him control it. I used to actually go on holiday for a weekend regularly when Ex had our DS as he used to drop him back so early it was the only way to stop it!

Or you can just pretend you are busy and double lock the door from the inside. Then later when he’s gone say that you were not able to answer the door and that he really needs to respect the time. No other explanation needed.

@WildChristmas I can imagine getting glammed up has a good impact on how to feel in a good way. I just can't be arsed at the minute with any game playing. I know I need to learn the game, but it is all so exhausting. He isn't listening,has cancelled again this evening, I said he could call the kids and tell them that he wasn't coming as it isn't up to me to constantly disappoint them and he hasn't called them. I have given up now. He obviously just doesn't give a shit.
Just need to crack on with me and the kids.
It really is his loss these kids are awesome.

It really is his loss these kids are awesome

You’re so right @Apricot10 - and you’re awesome too.

The lyrics of “The Cat’s in the Cradle” come to mind. www.songfacts.com/lyrics/harry-chapin/cats-in-the-cradle

@Annonymiss123 Thank you that's very kind. Also how have I never actually read these lyrics before? Amazing and very fitting.

He really is the worst kind of cliche arsehole deadbeat dad, isn’t he? Lawyer o’clock!!!

What a fucking arsehole! Whatever about leaving your wife .. but then just ignoring your kids and not even being man enough to contact them yourself?! Absolute prick!!

I know that what you're going through is hard but.. you were clearly TOO good for him. You're well rid of him now. He's done YOU a favour showing his true colours. And the kids won't forget that I promise you.

I guarantee you someday (when the GF gets sick of him.. and she WILL).. he'll realise what a mistake he made. By then you'll have moved on.
I'm so mad for you and sad for your children they deserve SO much better 😡😡😡.

Crack on with life anyway, you're doing amazing!! And let him dig his own grave. This will NOT look good for him when he's looking for custody or visitation rights.

Agree about game playing, that is exhausting.

It’s just a bit devastating isn’t it. However I broke up with Ex many years ago, and he’s with someone 20 years younger, very pretty and wealthy. He can do what he likes. Work when he wants. Pays little maintenance. Our son adores him even though he does sweet FA.

So on the face of it... he’s got it all. Except he’s so angry and bitter. Why would he be like that if he really was happy? His GF thinks he’s great, but she would, compared to her, 20 years older, he’s so mature, so stable and also she doesn’t need him for financial stability as she’s loaded.

I should be crying myself to sleep most nights with the burden of responsibility, having to bring up our son alone, having great difficulty with relationships because having a son I couldn’t just go anywhere at the drop of a hat. Having no career now as I gave it up for a while as I was fed up dropping DS to childcare all the time.

Yet I’m quite proud of myself. All those little moments with DS, the putting on his shoes in the morning, the talking with teachers, telling him to play less PS4, wrangling over bedtimes and going out times.

I’m quite broke. But the mortgage, taking me twice as long to pay off, well that’s all mine too. I did it. I’m okay, I get by and I feed and clothe my son. Pay for all his school trips. I moved area and got a load more criticism and abuse from Ex, because I needed some support by then, I was crumbling, and my family were great.

I had another relationship which didn’t last. So I’m on my own.

But I can look myself in the mirror and I definitely know I did a good job with my child and I didn’t cheat or let down anyone in a relationship. That makes me feel really good about myself. I also didn’t stay with a man who lied and went off with someone younger as soon as I didn’t look like a woman in my early twenties. There’s someone very dodgy and seedy about that don’t you think?

So hang in there OP. You will probably find someone really much better. The odds are good. And if you don’t, like me, there is a peace about your choices and integrity that your Ex will never have. And that is priceless.

What a lovely post.

Keep your head up, your children are lucky to have you. Best wishes to you tonight x

Just wanted to agree with everyone else that you are doing a simply fantastic job holding it all together OP. I also agree with Gutterton about putting some pretty damn solid and high boundaries in place for your own sanity.

@WildChristmas thank you for that, not going to lie your post made me shed a tear or two.
I think now the anger has subsided I just feel utter sadness and a little shocked actually that this is really happening. It's bizarre really that it has taken so long for it all to come to a head. I am just throwing myself into work, the kids friends. I had a sudden urge of utter rage this morning (obviously I kept it in) as my 9 year old was faffing about and my DS had lost his shoes AGAIN. I just thought he doesn't deal with any of this stuff, but then I realised he never did. I have always done it. I have been an utter mug our entire marriage.
I am feeling a bit sorry for myself today I think. Thank you for your posts though I read all of them and they really do help.

you will be okay. It’s very unfair on you, to hold it all together, so do find ways to let your anger out and take care of yourself. I found that sometimes I forgot about how to be a happy parent and enjoy moments, it got me down, and then even small treats or walks out with the kids to just switch off and enjoy being with them... that was such a tonic!

Oh @Apricot10 sending you a huge hug💗💗. I'm so sorry you're going through this. You'd wonder HOW a person can sleep at night, knowing they've left someone broken and alone to raise THEIR kids. You're doing so well. I do agree with the comments made earlier about not "game playing" at the moment. It would just absolutely exhaust you.

Thank you both. Yes I agree I just have the energy for it all. @LJenn he actually said to me that he sleeps well at night, that he has not done anything to lose sleep over.
I could've slapped him.
I am trying to remember to enjoy the fun times, I tend to just drift through them at the moment. But I need to be more present with them. My DS has been asking me to bake with him for weeks now and I keep putting it off, I need to do some this evening I think.

If he needed to say he sleeps well at night, he’s aware that his actions are wrong. That’s what he is telling himself. He’s let you all down but to admit that would be too much. My father said a few times to my mum, leaving her for a young secretary (soo many cliches) that he didn’t regret it. By saying that I think he did, and anyway, how selfish, to say you don’t regret mucking up your wife and kids lives?

Getting on with baking sounds good. As hard as it is, the inner strength from forcing yourself to do things pays dividends. Also be aware that as the reality sets in, you will crash from time to time. Of course you will, you are not super woman and you have been hit by uncontrollable events. Just keep going and see gp or go see friends or anything that helps. Maybe put in what you will do in your diary for those sticking points - weekends or events, plan a short break or have some activities for the kids so you are out of the house.

Oh FFS are you serious? I'm sitting here laughing to myself at that.. not because I find it funny but because people are UN-BELIEVABLE. Is he living in the real world at all??!! Seriously pal piss off🙄🤦🏻‍♀️

Whatever about him leaving you and the hurt that causes etc.. but to show absolutely no remorse for causing someone (ANYONE) to hurt like that is quite scary.

There is probably some psychology behind that that would suggest that, he's actually CONVINCING himself he's totally sin-free. So that he can move on with his life, and he can 'sleep very well'. (Eyeroll)

You know that thing of, people being able to fool lie detectors because they genuinely believe in their own f**ked up mind, that they're being truthful?!

Ugh I'm certainly NOT going to sit here and bash ALL men because they're NOT all the same.. but in a general every-day sense, men just detach themselves far too easily emotionally. Where we put our heart and soul in to things and are left sad or hurt because they didn't have the ability to communicate😑😑. The fact that he's now detached from his kids makes him a real low life selfish POS.

You seem like such a kind & logical person. I'm sorry you've had to go through this pain, all because he wasn't man enough to confront a problem head on & attempt to fix it. (If in fact there was one to begin with that is.)

Hopefully now your solicitor can get you sorted and you can get an official structure in place so you can move on as best you can x

He might sleep perfectly now, but when your kids are adults and don’t bother with him, he won’t sleep quite so well.

Yes the first chapter of how to win friends and influence people explains why nobody ever thinks i did a shitty thing there. (Well, i do sometimes so it is not nobody and it is not "never"). People tend to believe they had no choice. If they did something crappy it was because they had no choice so therefore if you try to make them acknowledge guilt, they just feel anger not guilt.

Yes that's how he has played it out. He had absolutely no choice. He is totally deluded, it's amazing how differently you see your marriage when something like this happens, the light bulb moments that he was in fact a twat, have been there flashing for years. I either didn't see them or ignored them. I am not sure which yet. I have made excuses for him for years. Something else that has really come to mind recently was the theory that I grew up and he just didn't.
I am 38 and was 20 when we got together, he was always the life soul of every party, very funny and very fun to be with. But he never matured, his tastes never matured. He had a long term school friend who he stopped talking to because he turned into a " boring tosser." We had a lovely friendship and I got on well with his wife.Nope his friend just grew up and didn't find the inbetweeners humour funny anymore as we are pushing 40 and not in school anymore.
Hence the 24 year old, he can act like an adolescent and she probably finds it hilarious. He always lived in the past and always talked about school, he reminisces a lot. I think he peaked in school to be honest. He is very well educated, has a good scientific job. But underneath it all he is 15 year old prized prat.
I see it so clearly now. Well rid indeed!

God that was long sorry.

Oh it sounds tedious. Adjustment is tiring. Change is hard even when it is change for the better but he sounds like an immature entitled selfish husband who can never take responsibility for anything.

You will get through this break up and YOU will be the one who grows and flourishes.

I am 49 now and i dont recognise the person who put up with my x. I was still a people pleaser even at 37.

I think you should keep a diary of the missed access times in case it becomes relevant if you need to make a more formal arrangement.

He seems so uncaring and flaky regarding the children that I’d be tempted to start to work on the assumption that he has no contact. Don’t be available for anything outside the pre-arranged
place and time.

@davespecifico yes, I think that's a good plan. He told me that I was limiting him to seeing the kids to wednesdays and sundays, so I was stopping access. Even when I told him I had limited it to two days so if he didn't show it was only messing with two days of my week. It just didn't seem to register, nothing does. He talks the talk, says how the kids come first how much he loves them and misses them, but then goes days without contacting them. It's all bullshit.
@TheYearOfTheDog yes I think I am still a people pleaser still, which I hate about myself. I need to work on that hugely.

Have you seen a lawyer yet?