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Original poster

Husband left for woman half his age.

815 replies

Apricot10 · 14/12/2019 18:31

Just that really.
He has left me for a 25 year old. He is 40 next month.
We have two children 6 and 9. My DS is Autistic. So I have been left with two children who can't understand why he has gone, especially my DS.
He has moved in with her, so I said I wasn't happy with the children visiting his place as they need more time to adjust to us being apart before he introduces anyone else.
So he is taking them to their grandparents when he has them.
He told me all of this by text. Won't give me her name said I might stalk her. (Like I have the time if I wanted to)
We were together 18 years married 11. I am totally devastated. Just been wrapping presents crying my eyes out.
I just feel so helpless and desperate.
I can't look at him, I feel sick when I do. I loved him for so many years. Why do they do this? What can he surely have in common with this girl?
Sad

OP posts:
crookedhouse · 12/01/2020 17:58

Literally no words... he's shameless! What exactly does he think will happen in the future if he doesn't take them to his new home? He may moan about missing them but I imagine the courts will look pretty poorly on a bloke who won't upset his new bit of stuff by actually making his kids comfortable in what should be their home!

Missymoo6 · 12/01/2020 17:59

@Apricot10 yes it was horrendous. I don’t know how I survived! The unbelievable bit is that we are still together. I don’t know why as there is nothing left between us. But he would say the most ridiculous twaddle and actually believe it. Like he was entitled or God or something. He once told me, in all sincerity, that he was ‘only unfaithful at weekends’ the rest of the week he was a model husband!!

Beastm0de · 12/01/2020 18:01

Sound like he got some attention from somewhere else that he was craving from you. Or he just got bored of being married or together with the same person for 18 years. Just happened to be a younger woman, but it probably could have been any other attractive woman that gave him the feeling of not having any responsibilities again.

He’s enjoying the feeling of being free, free from the daily grind and hard work of marriage and enjoying his life again, while your at home with the kids upset.

It won’t last for him and he’ll realise what he lost in the end she’s 25, life changes all the time at that age. But for now he’s on a high!

I would stop putting rules in place with the kids, let him stay at the house and see the kids. The kids are comfortable there and can actually spend time talking to him and make their own minds up about the situation. Your not helping them by telling him he can only see them outside of the house.... yeah he’s being dumb not taking them to be around his new GF, but she’s still a kid too and the idea of kids is probably the last thing she wants.

crookedhouse · 12/01/2020 18:14

Your not helping them by telling him he can only see them outside of the house.... yeah he’s being dumb not taking them to be around his new GF, but she’s still a kid too and the idea of kids is probably the last thing she wants.

25 is not a kid. It's young but at 25 people are responsible enough to understand that if they shack up with someone who has children then they can't just pretend it's nothing to do with them. OP shouldn't have to feel uncomfortable in her home. Plus she might need the space to do other stuff while they're out. He needs to realise that not letting them into his new home is something he needs to sort out, both for now and his future relationship with them.

DBML · 12/01/2020 18:20

Your not helping them by telling him he can only see them outside of the house.... yeah he’s being dumb not taking them to be around his new GF, but she’s still a kid too and the idea of kids is probably the last thing she wants.

Yes op, shouldn’t you be considering the poor ow as well? 😂

@Beastm0deIn my opinion, the ow was a big girl when she chose to sleep with a married man with kids, so she’s big enough to get her hands dirty now. At a 25 year old is not a kid...I had a house; full time job and a baby at 25 fgs.

Gutterton · 12/01/2020 18:24

OP you are giving him too much air time. You need to cut down the opportunity for verbal interaction to zero. Otherwise you are still engaged with him and he will keep yanking your chain. Text on times dates and drop offs - send the kids down the path to his car - don’t let him in your house. Close down conversion.

Boundaries Boundaries Boundaries

LJenn · 12/01/2020 18:34

Agree with @Gutterton ... he wants to move on with his life.. whatever.. but just because he's coming to see the kids doesn't mean he gets to just hang out and chat like friends would...like nothing ever happened. He chose this.. he needs to man up and deal with the consequences. Not saying you need to be childish about it and ignore him completely, but boundaries need to be set most definitely. You're not keeping the kids from him, you're just not allowing him to pretend like all is hunky dory between you both.

Herpesfreesince03 · 12/01/2020 18:47

This relationship won’t last two minutes. I wonder what he’ll do when she breaks up with him?

crimsonlake · 12/01/2020 18:52

I agree with Gutterton you are giving him too much air time. Do not enage with him about anything apart from the children, no small talk, aim to do it by text or email. He is no longer part of your life going forward so set boundaries and stick to them.

ohwheniknow · 12/01/2020 19:01

Lol m0de is really on a roll today sharing his misogynistic wisdom with us all.

Original poster
Apricot10 · 12/01/2020 19:02

@Beastm0de the problem is I can't stand to look at him, so why should I have to spend my time with him? I shouldn't and I won't. I may have been boring to him and not fun, I was working, and looking after his kids one whom has special needs while he chased skirt. Because I didn't give him enough attention? Give me a break!
@Gutterton I have tried much, he just won't give in. He brought the kids back early today because my DS felt sick. Okay, so just dump him back on me because he feels sick.Hmm
I totally agree @crookedhouse I want to use my free one day a week doing something I would like to do, whether that's in the house or out of the house. His or the OW needs mean piss all to me.
@oofadoofa, yep I do think he is narcissistic, he really thinks I am being hugely unreasonable for not wanting to have him hanging out in my house. I just said, I am not interfering with him and his new woman, I just want him to leave me alone and pick up the kids when promised. But he is really annoyed about it all. It's really odd. He is literally the only person who has gained in all of this yet he is playing the victim.

OP posts:
DBML · 12/01/2020 19:10

@Apricot10

When my relatives ex has the kids she “goes out”. She tells him, I won’t be home until x o’clock. This means he cannot just bring them home early. Sometimes she just moves the car and has a cosy day in...but for him, she is out and completely unavailable. He also cannot phone her, well he can, but she doesn’t answer. He has better luck contacting her by text only.

You can be in control, you just have to get used to pushing back as much as he pushes you.

Original poster
Apricot10 · 12/01/2020 19:21

@DBML Yeah, I think I am going to have to do this. I have tried so hard to set boundaries, but he is like a toddler and constantly pushing against it all. I am knackered. The kids aren't tiring it's him who is exhausting.
I have given him opportunity to put in what he would like to do re visitation but he won't discuss it, so the days I have suggested are what stands for now. I was open to other days but he won't suggest anything. I think it basically so nothing is set in stone and he can come and go as he pleases. Urgh. I am bored of it all, you guys must be too! Grin have some cake for sticking with me.Cake

OP posts:
Gutterton · 12/01/2020 19:22

I would be keeping a log of everything his is not sticking to as you can then show that he is unreliable to the courts when it comes to access.

If your DS was ill that was for your DH to deal with - he has a home, parents etc. It is not for you to fix. You are complicit and enabling his bad behaviour until you put in firmer boundaries.

This is also better for your DCs as they need him to learn to be consistent - and they also need to see that these are his responsibilities and you are not the rescuer and associated with his f ups.

His problems/issues don’t become yours or for you to fix.

I have seen parents swap kids in a supermarket car parks - great idea with PP that you are 100% unavailable.

ScorpionQueen · 12/01/2020 19:31

You are amazing OP. Your strength and resilience shine through.
I keep flitting from a bit sad, but coping to really really angry, but coping. Even when you feel your worst, you are still coping.
You've had a lot of practical suggestions regarding money on this thread, I know it's hard but you can't waste a minute. Get the financial settlement sorted asap, before he can hide stuff and so you can move on.
And remember, even when he's back at your door begging to be taken back (and he will be, for sure), your mantra must be he chose this .

DBML · 12/01/2020 19:48

@Apricot10

And btw, if you do tell him that you are ‘going out’, the tricks are:

  1. Don’t tell him the time you’ll be home until he is on his merry way WITH the children...so think... “Have a lovely time guys and remember, I won’t be back until after 5pm, I’m going out”.
  1. If he asks where you’re going, it’s none of
his business, but you can say “Oh, just meeting a friend” and reiterate that you won’t be available until after your set time.
  1. Don’t negotiate on this whatsoever and if he complains, offer the chance to formalise things again.
Original poster
Apricot10 · 12/01/2020 19:49

@ScorpianQueen thank you. Yes I will get it sorted.

OP posts:
Lozzerbmc · 12/01/2020 19:56

You are doing so well Apricot - hope you are treating yourself to cake. Look after yourself

Original poster
Apricot10 · 12/01/2020 20:02

@DBML I did that on one of the days that he had them when I was working over Christmas. I told him I was working later than I normally do so I got some more time and it worked a treat. It's just so stupid the lengths you have to go through though. Thank you I appreciate your help.

OP posts:
Original poster
Apricot10 · 12/01/2020 20:04

@Lozzerbmc I just ordered my DD's birthday cake, I cannot wait to get my chops round it! Grin

OP posts:
VivaLeBeaver · 12/01/2020 20:10

Can he not take the kids to his parent’s for the day when he has them?

If not he needs to get his own flat of the gf won’t let them over!

Rainbowbrite11 · 12/01/2020 20:10

Apricot10
I think your amazing and doing A brilliant job holding it all together.
What a shit of a man!! I think he will try crawl back soon when the novelty where's off.
Stay strong 💪🏻

Stargazing12 · 12/01/2020 20:19

Sounds like he is an idiot. Sorry it's so hard for you with the children.but they are worth it. The woman will soon get fed up.with him and dump him by then you will have got your self sorted and have moved on. The children are your mainstay in life . X

Original poster
Apricot10 · 12/01/2020 20:25

@VivaLeBeaver they live 3 hours away, so it isn't a one day thing. He says he is living with OW as " it helps with the bills." It's one day a week, if he can't make it work for one day a week how the hell is he going to do 50/50 split.
The kids are the only thing getting me through this right now to be honest, they are just brilliant.

OP posts:
Beastm0de · 12/01/2020 20:28

I don’t think you did anything wrong and the way you lived your life with the kids is totally admirable. But it sounds like from your OP that he was either craving attention or bored. Not saying what he did was right in anyway shape or form...

You don’t have to look at him or spend time with him, if your kids don’t want to go out, but are being forced to by the parents (because you don’t want to be around each other) the kids are the ones suffering. Who takes a kid to the park in the winter?

Think everyone in this post will agree that their relationship will not last for very long and he’ll be screwed when it does end.

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