Husband left for woman half his age.

[Apricot10]

Just that really.
He has left me for a 25 year old. He is 40 next month.
We have two children 6 and 9. My DS is Autistic. So I have been left with two children who can't understand why he has gone, especially my DS.
He has moved in with her, so I said I wasn't happy with the children visiting his place as they need more time to adjust to us being apart before he introduces anyone else.
So he is taking them to their grandparents when he has them.
He told me all of this by text. Won't give me her name said I might stalk her. (Like I have the time if I wanted to)
We were together 18 years married 11. I am totally devastated. Just been wrapping presents crying my eyes out.
I just feel so helpless and desperate.
I can't look at him, I feel sick when I do. I loved him for so many years. Why do they do this? What can he surely have in common with this girl?

I read a problem in my local paper today. It was a man who'd left his marriage and his teens wouldnt speak to him. He thought his wife should be doing more to make his kids wNt to see him!!

Omg....

Im going to be a dick and you have to make sure therecare no consequences!

@TheYearOfTheDog yep, I have been blamed for my DD being angry with him. Must've been me "filling her head with crap". I had nothing to do with him having abandoned her and never keep promises.
He has also gone back on promise this weekend again with them. They didn't even flinch when I said he wouldn't be coming they are so used to it now. We are going to the ice cream parlour tomorrow to stuff our faces! Sod him.

He thought his wife should be doing more to make his kids wNt to see him
he abandoned his family but still thinks they should obey him and pretend to like him!?
Cuz we all love a man with an authoritarian mindset....NOT

Get some with sprinkles 🍦

‘I left my wife for another woman and now my eldest children won’t talk to me’Question: A few years ago I left my wife for another woman. At the time I didn’t tell my ex why I left, although she did suspect there was another woman. She now knows I am in another relationship and I think she is using this to turn my children against me.

He goes on a bit, whine whine whine whine, I'm the real victim, blah blah blah.

Here's the reply.
Answer: Separation comes at all kinds of costs and you are in receipt of one of the main ones: the children do not simply adjust to the new arrangements and carry on. For children, the parent who leaves has changed their lives forever and they may feel just as abandoned as the spouse.

It is likely that the teenagers are trying to give you a sense of what it is like to be them – so they are keeping you out of their loop of care and communication so that you understand the enormity of what has happened to them. It is clear that you love your children but at the moment this love needs to be expressed as patience, understanding and apology. Your children may need to see you suffer somewhat before they feel you have earned the right to their affection.

Children generally thrive when they have an unconscious (or conscious) knowing that they are number one in their parents’ lives. They perhaps feel that this is no longer the case with you and it may take a long time for them to trust that you will put them first again.
Loyalty
Teenagers have very strong opinions about loyalty and so they may need an opportunity to tell you about how they feel. They may struggle with this as they cannot risk you choosing to block them even further (should you be offended) so they may conceal their hurt and abandonment in favour of silence. They need you to listen to them and understand where they are coming from and this will have to be your goal for some time to come.

There was more, but it was to do with his new partner's children.

This problem and answer really struck a chord with me because my x has demanded a level of emotional maturity and resilience from the children that he doesn't come close to displaying himself, he has been offended, sulked, felt sorry for himself, cut maintenance and blamed it all on me that the kids aren't contacting him.

Apricot - that’s why I wouldn’t facilitate their relationship with their Dad. Not to punish him, but to just concentrate on you. As really, he’s not a great Dad is he? He’s abandoned his family to have sex with a young woman.

That's a great reply to the problem page guy.

Yes, I wonder if it will penetrate his self-defence mechanisms

It is exactly the mindset of my ex. I have bent over backwards for years, kinda manipulating the kids in to going to see him which makes me feel awful. I felt that I'd be judged if they didn't go. They didn't want to go but I talked them in to it anyway, so I'd have a rare break, so that he'd pay a bit of maintenance, so that we'd all seem normal.

But since he sulked with my DC1 and she hasn't told him what she really thinks, like the article agony aunt says, she has just gone silent instead, he has sulked more, got angry, cut off maintenance.

If he wanted to FIX things he would reassure the two dc that he could hear what they had to say without being offended. To hear them out and just listen, digest it, say I hear you. You have the right to feel that way. And then buy them a burger and fries. Honestly that's all it would take. They want him to be a part of their lives but he won't make that first step back to them on their terms, ie, just lunch. He has tried to summons them to visit him for a whole week. They don't want that. And they know that we're all punished when the maintenance stops.

He's an intelligent man as well. Degree, professional qualifications a masters. Yet he acts like a toddler when he's dealing with his own family .

@TheYearOfTheDog yep, I think my eldest just wants to shout at him for a while. He would never allow that because he would have to listen to how much he has hurt her.
He just burys his head in the sand and hopes it will all go away because he is a coward.
I have given him plenty of chances to sit down with the kids and explain it all to them. But he still tells them he isnt there because he is "working."

OP, just wondering if he has a lot of money /pension. In case he’s delaying your talk about divorce/finances in order to get himself sorted?
I’m pretty sure my DH is hesitant to split up due to his hefty pension.

Nothing constructive to add, and from my male perspective I am typically quite unsympathetic towards the breakups found within these pages, trying as I do to remember that one only ever reads one side of the story. That being said, you’re an absolute fucking hero.

@oofadoofa Thank you! That does mean a lot. 😊

I particularly liked the ‘fuck of’ whilst slamming the door in his face.

@oofadoofa 😂

We have just had a massive row. He came to get the kids then said he had no where to go with them because OW was at the flat so they couldn't go there. He flipped out when I said he could stay here with them. We started yelling at eachother he told me I should be lucky that I get to spend so much time with them.
Yet the opportunity he has to spend with them he turns up late or not at all.
I am so tired of all of this.

He could stay there or he couldn't?

Either way hold your ground. Don't rise to his crap. His mess he has to sort it including how to facilitate contact.
Bet the gloss of his new life is wearing thin already!
You are doing amazing so deep breath and hold head high xxx

Sorry, I didn't make much sense there. He said he couldn't go to his flat because she was there,plus it was boring for them.And I said no to him hanging out with them at my house and said he had to take them out.
He has taken them out and text him to say now we had nothing calmed down we need to sit down like adults and discuss this whole thing as he keeps refusing and saying he doesn't have time. Again he doesn't have time. So I have said visitation will stay as it.

Good for you! Definitely don’t let him hang out at your place like he still lives there. How utterly confusing for the kids! What a knob!

He really does seem to think that he can pick and choose the parts of his life that will change, doesn't he? You can't afford to sit around waiting for him to decide that he's ready for a discussion that he doesn't want to him - you need to not be in limbo. He made his bed and now he has to lie in it but I think he really does not want to do this. It seems to me that things are already not going well with the OW but he really isn't getting the message that you aren't sitting around waiting for him to come back and I think that you need to be much firmer to show him that you aren't about to do the pick me dance or be the plan b - screw that! I think you need to see a solicitor ASAP - at least just to find out how much they will cost and how you pay them. Is this possible?

@WelshMammaofaSlovak Yes I think you are right. I need to sort it ASAP. Just finding the time at the moment. He actually moaned to me that he had barely seen the OW all this week. Like I give a shit!

My DH had an affair with another teacher at the same school where I also teach and my DC attend (OW kids are there too). DS refused to go to lesson with OW. DH screamed at him for ‘being so disloyal’.
What planet are these men on?

SOLICITOR yes! A good one (some of them aren’t so much!). Real world options help clarify choices and can help put emotions in perspective.

He sounds a fool btw (though I may be wrong, and it doesn’t matter anyway). Any inkling of this before?

I very rarely comment on relationship threads but bloody hell, apricot, respect to you. You're a saint. He's an absolute 100% tosspot of a man. WTF does he think he's doing? Moaning to you that he hasn't seen much of the OW??

Jesus wept.

@Missymoo6 my god!! That is a horrendous situation, how the hell did you manage that?
It was like arguing with a 5 year old today. He called me petty and that I was punishing him. Not sure how exactly I haven't stopped him seeing the kids, I have been more than accommodating with his requests. But because I won't let him hang out with me and the kids he is well and truly spitting his dummy. He actually said I should think myself lucky because I get to see the kids so much. As their primary care giver I don't have much choice!
I told him I had set wed and sundays as his time to see them because then if he doesn't then up or is late it's only 2 days of my week that are messed up. He rolled his eyes at that one.
He isn't willing to take them to his flat because she is there, so he doesn't have anywhere to take them other than the park for a few hours. The kids don't want to be dragged around a park all day in this weather. He is going to have to put his hand in his pocket and pay to do to soft play or the cinema to fill his days with them. I have told him it isn't my business what he does with them as long as they are happy.
I just said if he would stop trying to push beyond what had been set then we would get on a lot better.
It is so obvious now that he wants me and the kids separate to his relationship with this woman. I don't think he has ever had any intention of having them stay at his flat with him and her. It obviously messes with his plan at being a man with no responsibility with his bit of stuff.
I am just tired of it all now, I just want to make sure the kids are happy, my DD has the best 10th birthday ever, and he causes as little conflict or issues as possible.
Onwards and upwards my friends, f*ck the grubby little pair!

Him wanting to play happy families, with your help, whilst placating the lady at his new home does indeed seem to be his plan. This surely must be height of narcissism.