Thread 2: Husband's now not-so-secret drinking problem

[Stickywhitelovepiss]

A thousand thanks to those who posted on my thread over the last 6 months.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/3606514-Hand-hold-DH-missing-after-accident?watched=1&msgid=92322070#92322070

Short story is that husband got arrested for suspected drink driving in the middle of the day six months ago, and had muggings here believing it was all one big misunderstanding. Results have only this week been communicated - he was over the limit and is being charged accordingly.

Turns out he has been harbouring a secret drinking problem for way, way longer than I knew. In the last 6 months his drinking has escalated massively (or at least become more apparent to me), and I am under no illusions now that he is an alcoholic.

Rationally, and having read up on all the conventional wisdom on this front, I know I need to have him leave till he either sorts himself out, or we call it a day after 12 years.

Emotionally, it is tearing me in two.

I won't be making any sudden moves before Christmas, but please keep talking to me in the meantime. I'll be going to an Al-Anon this week, but right now it's you lovely nest of vipers that is keeping me sane...

This one’s between him and the solicitors from a legal standpoint.

From my point of view, the bloods say it all, and - driving ban or not - the fundamental problem remains.

He's so far from ready to accept any of this, isn't he

It's going to be a very very long road OP, and there is no guarantee that you will both end up at the same destination.

My uncle died of alcohol addiction aged 47. We think he had been an alcoholic for around 2 years. Even when he was in a hospital bed, jaundiced and with every organ failing, he was still trying to convince family to take drink into him. He left a wife and two young children. They weren't enough to stop him - nothing was.

Don't underestimate the power of this addiction. He's already well under its poisonous spell by the sound of it.

Look after you

Even if he does escape conviction based on police cock-up, YOU know he drove while steaming drunk, and you know the extent of his drinking problem.
You said from the first post that drink driving was your line in the sand and you would never tolerate it. You have to pay attention to your own personal policies too.

Good luck today with Solicitor and your Dad.

Good luck today x

Off to solicitors now - will report back!

Good luck!

Good luck from me too

That went reasonable well. As I'd hoped, if we go down that route and everything goes amicably, it would likely be a pretty clear division of assets - flat to me, his accumulated pensions and investments to him, which is a fair and even split. One to dwell on.

That must be a relief to know that you have a straightforward exit strategy (financially at least) if you make a choice to leave.

You might also want to consider some contingencies if you do stay - if he becomes unwell, unable to work etc.

When (not if) the “functioning alcoholic” status becomes “non functioning” - which happens with this progressive disease would you be secure financially with one salary? Are you happy to be his carer?

There are many stories on here of women who put their heads in the sand stayed with the alcoholic and then one day are shocked that the alcoholics mental and physical health has deteriorated that they become their carer. That is almost an impossible point (morally and logistically) to reverse out of. Don’t sleep walk into that situation.

@Gutterton - Absolutely not way willing to be carer, and while we could get by on my salary, I am definitely not willing to support him.

He sounds like my ex, he drank drove, was a functiining alcoholic, I left him after he racked up loads of debt and consistently lied to me, even to the point of putting our very young children in danger. 15years or so on hes with a new wife got himself into more debt and trouble with the law then cleaned up for a couple of years or so it seemed. This year he's lost his job and his driving licence, dragging our kids (now adults into it blaming me, them, work, everyone but himself.

He won't change.

Bugger well done for getting your young children out of life of misery.

Have they had any support / been to al anon etc ? If not it would really them not to get their young adult lives polluted, distracted, diverted and dragged into his mire due to FOG (fear, obligation, guilt).

I would imagine that his health will be in a very poor state by now and with all of the attrition and damage he is almost destitute.

That is a v painful and acute picture that they are looking at right now - don’t let them get manipulated, exploited to save him. They need the emotional resilience and support to not rush to rescue at crisis point.

Well done for seeing a solicitor.

if we go down that route and everything goes amicably sorry to have to be a negative voice of caution, but it would be lovely to think it will all go amicably, but that doesn't mean it will. You must work on a worst case scenario when looking at options in order to protect yourself.

Newsflash: I have spoken to my Dad - warts and all.

My lovely, good, wise, kind Daddy. As you all said he would be, his only concern was for me, and that I am safe and looking after myself.

I feel a weight has been lifted. I will tell the rest of the family eventually, but not before Christmas. As you might have gathered, it was my Dad's view and response that mattered most to me. And he still loves me, is not cross at me, and I'm still his little girl - and that's enough for me for this side of 2019.

All things considered, a big week - I've been to Al Anon, to see a solicitor and opened up to my Dad and a colleague. Hope mumsnet is proud! Thank you all for all your support so far, and please keep talking to me in the meantime.

@thedeadwood I know - hence the big if. I'm hoping that, given that one the face of it, we could go for a relatively clean and equitable split, he'd be sensible enough to know that going any other route would just means accumulating more expense for both of us.

Definitely proud. I bet a weight has been lifted off you and I hope Christmas will be a bit easier on you now you've started to make progress.

You did it beautifully and all in the right order.

You sought support and the expert advice and then thought through your options - you only went to your lovely, good, wise, kind Daddy when you had solutions / options - he must be v proud of his lovely, good, wise, kind daughter.......

You are v lucky to have had your Dad - his nurturing of you as a child has given you the insight, resilience, focus and strength to manage this horror as an adult.

You are doing so so brilliantly. You are facing up to such an awful truth in such a dignified way. You are being your own best friend and that will make a huge difference to your life now and later.

Well done, a huge week for you emotionally and also as far as getting ducks in order. Whatever you decide, it'll be the right thing, but I don't think it'll be easy at least now you've got real life support and a support group in al-anon.

Well done, you've done amazingly this week.

You are doing so well Sticky

Well done. You have started the process of moving the problem back where it belongs - back to your DH! I’m so pleased your Dad is being supportive. Hope you keep being strong, keep getting the support you need, and detach with love .

Well done. You've come so far this week.

Loving someone who isn't making good life decisions for themselves is excruciating, and detaching yourself from the consequences of their choices is even harder but essential for your own mental wellbeing.

Your Dad sounds like he's completely got your back. You're not doing this alone.

Thank you all! I definitely don't feel at all dignified in my head - more a walking talking nervous wreck. Al Anon and my GP (who I had to see this afternoon for a repeat prescription) both commented on how calmly and articulately I presented - though that's by no means the case on the inside.

Yes, I am massively lucky in my Dad - and all my family. But my Dad has always been my genuine mentor and guide through my life, and he opinion was worth gold, IYSWIM.

Sticky I know how you must be feeling inside because I've been there - but you have done the hardest bit. You've decided no more, you're taking decisions, you have stopped enabling. There will be moments when you feel yourself wavering - think back to the drunk driving when that happens.

Meanwhile keep talking to people around you about what is happening. No more secrecy, no more complicity. His circus, his monkeys.

You will be fine. You will flourish.