Thread 2: Husband's now not-so-secret drinking problem

[Stickywhitelovepiss]

A thousand thanks to those who posted on my thread over the last 6 months.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/3606514-Hand-hold-DH-missing-after-accident?watched=1&msgid=92322070#92322070

Short story is that husband got arrested for suspected drink driving in the middle of the day six months ago, and had muggings here believing it was all one big misunderstanding. Results have only this week been communicated - he was over the limit and is being charged accordingly.

Turns out he has been harbouring a secret drinking problem for way, way longer than I knew. In the last 6 months his drinking has escalated massively (or at least become more apparent to me), and I am under no illusions now that he is an alcoholic.

Rationally, and having read up on all the conventional wisdom on this front, I know I need to have him leave till he either sorts himself out, or we call it a day after 12 years.

Emotionally, it is tearing me in two.

I won't be making any sudden moves before Christmas, but please keep talking to me in the meantime. I'll be going to an Al-Anon this week, but right now it's you lovely nest of vipers that is keeping me sane...

I hope it was helpful to you both

Christ that was cathartic.

Physically and emotionally spent now - but am really glad I went and will carry on going. It was definitely the right place to be for me at this stage.

OH felt - predictably - that he wasn’t “like them”, so has yet to see the light. He didn’t speak but has committed to go again for me. Not as hopeful as it might be....

Really well done, OP. So glad it felt like right place.

It will take your DH a while but you just keep going to your group.

Very proud of you OP.

My cat is cuddling me now and I feel “lighter”.

I think what I've read on here is that you can't make him engage, or quit.

And if he continues down this path he's making your decisions easier

@FraglesRock - exactly.

Really pleased that you got something from it OP. You were well on your way to the mindset by the way you have been engaging here.
Keep learning etc. Don’t tie your journey to his - keep going at pace. The sooner you detach with love and see how not to enable - the better your life will be and his chance of change will increase.

(((Sticky)))

Good luck sticky, I have traveled your path. He doesn't love you. He doesn't love himself. Mine told me he would stop, another lie on top of the mountain. I tried to get tough, he punished me with starting an affair. We found out about each other. We spoke to each other for hours, she had no idea he was an alcoholic, it was easy for him to lie to an Innocent, she loved him. We both left him that day, he was crying and sniveling that he loved both of us. Years wasted. Sticky Please run as fast as you can. You are young and beautiful, you have time. Don't waste it, it is the most precious thing there is. Run through the door and slam it shut, wait for the new one to open, you can do it.

Okay I urge any one in the same situation to try this and see if it hits home. Google " a letter from your addiction" And read it out to him

Or love letter from our addiction

I am glad it felt right to you. What your husband felt about it is really irrelevant- this is about you supporting yourself. You are doing everything right, including the detaching with love part.

You are right in thinking he isn't ready to face his addiction so it's time for you to focus entirely on yourself: your wellbeing, your happiness, your future.

Lighter is exactly it.

The whole thing about not trying to solve them helps

Well last night seemed to have taken it out of me more than I thought. I slept through all of my alarms and am horrendously late for work - as the boss as well!

This NEVER normally happens.

Fortunately a one off so won’t have to face any music, but must make sure to keep the effects in mind for future meetings!

Future meetings may not be so intense. I imagine the shock of revelation has had an impact on you. From here on in you can start the steady work you need to do in order to reach a resolution.

Think of this as the consequence of a very necessary investment in yourself. I still remember how amazing it felt to know I wasn't alone and how much strength I gained from that.

Agree last night was weighted in the unconscious years of niggling doubt, the last 6 months of shock and chaos, the previous days of expectations, hopes and promises - made and broken and made again.

You have done something momentous a real shift in your mindset. It might trickle over to him in time - or it might not - but just keep your blinkers on for your journey. You will learn a lot and shift a lot emotionally. A new better life is ahead of you - he may or may not be in it - that’s his call - but you won’t both be consumed by this whether you were consciously aware of the burden or not - it will be a relief.

Wishing you well

Solicitor tomorrow and Dad’s after that.

In the meantime, OH has had his first court appointment. It is potentially looking like police didn’t follow proper procedure on the day, which might invalidate the arrest.

Or that’s what OH says at any rate- to be taken with a ma-hoo-sive pinch of salt.

He might be minimising or he might be right and it might get dropped.

Either way he is a drink driving alcoholic.

That doesn’t change.

Great to see you motoring on through this. Good luck with solicitor. Really glad that you are speaking with your Dad. You have your strength now and can reassure him that YOU will be fine.

Are you going to speak with other F&F.

Will OH use any dropped charges to stop you doing this??

Ultimately he was over the limit. Whatever circumstances or consequences apply, that fact doesn’t change.

With all the usual caveats, I think he might be telling the truth on this one, a) as he’s not so imaginative in the deceit front and b) our local police force is notorious for this sort of thing.

As in I believe he was telling the truth about today’s appointment - not all the rest of it.

I just wanted to say I’ve been through similar. DP was constantly drinking to an obscene messy level, or not drinking at all for a couple of years, it didn’t raise any alarm bells for me at the time. Once DS was born I opened my eyes to the smaller things, unexplainable spending, grumpiness after a drinking session and kicked him out, and we broke up, I had a baby to deal with and knew I had to put DS first.
He went to AA, and after working on himself and his recovery we got back together two years later and got married. I am proud to say that 10
Years later he has never touched a drink, and is the man I always knew he was. It is possible, but look after yourself, let him show you what he can do recovery wise and give yourself a time you’ll review it. Don’t wait around forever if he’s not going to put 100% into it.

There are increasingly few loopholes on this kind of offence, they used to be ones that motorists lawyers for you.com would use however I think they will be closed. He’s better off to plead guilty, save the court costs which could be up to 600 quid after a trial

I think any attempt to evade conviction won’t help recovery.
He knows he’s guilty. That’s party of the whole thing. Accepting he’s at fault.