Husband cheated?? Devastated!?!

[annonlady]

Never thought I’d be one of the people to have this story to share. I just found out that my husband of 4 years has cheated on me with two women in a club. We’ve been together for 6 years and have a 2 year old son. I am currently 7 and a half months pregnant with our second boy, and to say I am devastated is an understatement. I found out because my “D”h went to Spain for a week with his best friend and some family for his cousins wedding, (I stayed home due to being so heavily pregnant and to take care of DS) and I found a condom wrapper in his suitcase that he had left open as he was unpacking.

I asked him about him about it and he straight up lied and tried to blame it on his best friend saying it was his (I still can’t believe he did that especially as they’ve been friends since primary school) so I grabbed his phone quickly and unlocked it before he had a chance to delete anything. I thought I’d find messages from the women but instead I found messages between him and his best friend the day after it happened where he had been pleading with DH to tell the truth to me and be honest about cheating with the women saying it wasn’t right and that I deserve to know. My DH had replied saying he was drunk and didn’t remember sleeping with anyone (which I now know was a lie to cover his back) and then eventually messaged him saying that he doesn't want to tell me because he doesn’t want to ruin our family. Then I found a pic on his phone in the recently deleted section with him seemingly drunk and holding the two women in question.

I called his best friends wife crying who explained that he left DH drunk in the club early (his wife happens to also be my best friend) and said he didn’t want to be a part of it, and only saw kissing and tried to break it up.

Confronted with proof he couldn’t even try and worm his way out of this one so he broke down crying and admitted to me that he had a drunken threesome with the two women in their hotel room. He promised me that they used protection and that it was a one time drunken fling and that his best friend didn’t know they extent of what happened. He started crying and kissing my belly promising it didn’t mean anything and that he will never do anything to hurt my family again and will do whatever it takes and go to counselling and is so sorry blah blah blah.

It has been a week since and he’s been on the couch and I haven’t spoken to anyone about it. I can’t bare to look at him or to even process or think anything rational and I can’t speak to my family or his as my family adore him and would kill him if they found out. My MIL loves me like a daughter and if she knew what DH had done would also kill him and she’d be ashamed. She’s quite old and also sick so I don’t want to burden her and make her think badly of her only son (I don’t want to make her even more ill so I need to be selfless here even though I know DH is a c*nt and his parents should know). I am so heartbroken and don’t know what to do.

He has been so amazing buying me flowers treating me like a queen. Apologising, organising counselling sessions and taking care of DS all by himself all week to try and make things up to me. I’ve been avoiding him all week and I have completely stopped talking to my best friend and her husband as I am so embarrassed and also slightly unreasonably angry that he allowed DH to get so drunk and left him in the club kissing those two women even though I know DH is a grown man and probably wouldn’t have listened to his best friend. The house is in joint names but I am not working I am a SAHM, my husband pays all the bills. I do childcare work on the side so that I have a bit of money to myself so I have a little bit in savings but not enough to just kick DH out of the house. He adores our DS and is an amazing father and I can’t bare to split up the house and do that to our son especially being nearly 8 months pregnant.

I don’t know what to do. I’ve cried myself to sleep every night so depressed and don’t even feel like getting out of bed to even eat and have been blaming myself (being pregnant, undesirable, maybe spending too much time focusing on DS.)

My DH has always been amazing we’ve never had many arguments nor has he ever cheated before this so I am just in shock. I can’t believe he would do this to our family, to our son! My heart is shattered. Sorry this is so long I just feel like ranting/rambling as I haven’t anyone else to talk to that I know without wanting to die inside. My friends and family will all judge him if we do decide to try and work through this with counselling and I need a clear head to work things out without the opinion of people who personally know us.

What should I do, has anyone been in this situation and can help me, what did you do, did you take him back? Should I give him another chance? Where do I go from here financially if I do decide to leave. What about DS and my pregnancy? I don’t think I can do this without my DH. :(

Please don’t blame yourself. You being pregnant and focusing on your eldest is in no way to blame

Sorry to be harsh op but this wont be the first time he has cheated,this is the first time the was caught, he was just not careful to cover his tracks. If you didnt find the condom you would haven't been none the wiser. As for his best friend, he isnt you're dh keeper and he tried to split them up what else was he expected to do? They arent the ones in the wrong you're dh is. If you stay together you will constantly be on edge wondering what hes getting up to.

He has been so amazing buying me flowers treating me like a queen.

What a sweetheart. I would tell him to shove those flowers right up his arse. I am so sorry this has happened. Personally, I would need him to leave in order to have time to think. I couldn't handle seeing his stupid fucking face every time I turned around.

Fuck the flowers, honestly that's so meaningless.

I'd stop colluding with protecting his image in front of his parents. Tell his parents.

Your DH did what he did and he's trying to blame alcohol, his friend, a once-off, cannot remember,.... sigh.

His mum sounds like a good sort. If you end up parting, hopefully she''ll be a good influence on him, he shoudl take the children half of the time so that YOU get a chance to rebuild you life.

It can seem like the end of the world when this happens but often it's just the adjustment that's shit and what comes next is better.

How awful for you! You are not to blame - most men dont go off because their wife is pregnant.

It’s too soon to make a decision perhaps focus on impending baby - have 6 months mat leave, return to work and see if you want to be with him. Its pretty unforgiveable I think but he may be genuinely sorry. Trouble if he has done it once... what happened in future when change/stress happens...

It's really not your fault. If you take nothing from thos know that.

People might disagree with me here but if it was a one off, you're usually happy and supported (emotionally, not financially) I would suggest counselling before deciding to break up.

If you go to counselling, you could say that you want to be supported towards working again, that way he'd know you weren't prepared to be financially dependent on him.

Oh op, a very similar thing happened to me
When I had an almost 2 yr old and was heavily pregnant with our second.

I found out he had been unfaithful on a night out-he says it was just a kiss but I will
Never know, although I suspect more.

To cut a long story short, I decided to carry on and although we had 10 more years together, mostly happy, I never really felt the same way about him and never fully trusted him. Something in me changed that day.

Anyway, fast forward 10 years and he did it again. A full blown affair this time. I found out and asked him to leave. This was 2 years ago and it's been rough but I don't have to wonder where he is/who he is with/when he will be home anymore.

The kids still have a great dad but I no longer have a crap husband x

OP its unlikely to be the first time he cheated.

Do you think its likely they first come he cheats he goes for a threesome, when he knows his best friend knows (whose wife is your best friend) and you happened to catch him out?

He is liar. He has shown you he will lie so he can have his cake and eat it.

Talk to your friend. Its absolutely nothing for you to be embarrassed about. And its absolutely not his friends fault. He tried to stop him. Your dh is a grown adult.

Has he never been drunk before? If he cant help fuck someone else when he is drunk, he has most certainly done it before.

He is a massive shit.

He's not amazing. It's so easy to buy a bunch of flowers. I would be needing time away from my dh if he did that to decide what I want. Your dh decided to have sex with two other women. No one made him, no one else is to blame other than your husband! No blame should be put on your friend! I wouldn't be able to forgive a betrayal like that.

It's not your fault. Decent men don't cheat because their wife is pregnant.

It's also not your friend's fault. They sound like they're decent people who did what they could to intervene, I'd say keep in touch with them, they know what happened. They're friends, they've shown their support for you and are probably disgusting by his behaviour.

The problem is that the OP doesn't know if it's a one off or not. Her husband can say it was, but when she found the condom wrapper he said it was his friend's so he can hardly be trusted to tell the truth.

Amazing fathers don't betray the mothers of their children by having threesomes with random women.

I think the "blah blah blah" you wrote is spot on OP! Of course he's sorry, sorry he got caught. Lovebombing you with flowers and helpfulness is meaningless.

I would tell people OP, it's not fair on you to have keep quiet, you need someone to talk to about it, whether that's friends or family.

I also think a bit of space would be helpful, to give you time to think properly about what you want to do.

Can you ever trust him again?

At the most special of times, when he should be worshipping you, he has completely betrayed you. Could you ever trust him again or have any respect for him?

He's a shit.

I'm so sorry to read this OP. Please take note of what everyone has said about it not being your fault.

I am inclined to agree with @Bobbiepin and if you are confident it was only a one off and a big drunken mistake then couples counselling would be worth exploring before deciding if you can forgive him or not. Sending you virtual hugs and a big hand hold

If you do decide to stay with him and work through it, don't cover it up for him! He should be embarrassed, he deserves it. You don't have anything to feel embarrassed or judged by. Obviously you might not want to say the full details, that it was a threesome, but yes he deserves the wrath of his parents to know he cheated. Of course there's no guarantee that this wasn't the first time or that it won't happen again, but that's a risk you'll have to decide whether you're willing to take. And you can go through counselling together and still decide at the end of it you don't want to be with him, you don't owe him any guarantees

This is not a man you can trust. Not only has he cheated, he's done it whilst you are pregnant, which is 100% unforgivable.

I think rn he needs to leave. If it were me I would kick him out for now and focus on baba. Maybe a few years down the line if he had been a good father and consistently decent I could think about giving him another chance. Maybe (If he really hasn't done anything else rotten that you can think if till now). And if I hadn't moved on.

But tbh I don't know that I could trust him again ever. I might feel it would be better just to leave it.

But if you consider it a trial separation for now then give yourself time to grieve and move on (don't just take him back because you miss him) time will tell you what you want. Once you can think rationally again.

But for now, get shot.

Highly unlikely he suddenly, out of the blue, one off did this. Highly unlikely.

His behaviour takes serious lack of integrity.

Cheating at all - check.
Cheating while married - check.
Cheating while married with a child - check.
Cheating while wife pregnant - check.
Cheating while pregnant wife at home, unable to travel and holding fort at home and looking after your child - check.
Cheating and expecting/pressuring your friend to lie and cover for you.

When he was caught, he tried to say it was his friend, not him (which if followed through on,band you not seen evidence to the contrary, could've led you to tell his friends wife and wrecked their marriage). So blamed his friend, told you his friend was the cheater and reversed the circumstances.

That shit doesn't come out of nowhere; I'm really sorry but I think you're totally unaware of your DHS real character.

There'll be more of this sooner or later, like the poster above. What you know (and what she knows) is what he got caught doing, that's all.

It's just unforgivable. Why would you want to be with such a sleaze? There would not be a 2nd chance if I was with him.

This is such a betrayal. Like another poster, I too am not convinced this is the first time. His best friend has probably covered for him before.

There are so many lies here. He was low to inform you the condoms belonged to his friend. He was happy for you to believe his friend had an affair even when you are best friends with his wife and would have been carrying around 'a secret'. He then lied about being drunk and not knowing what had happened between him and the women.

Had you not found the condom wrapper, would he ever have confessed? Would it have remained a secret with him and friend?

I would suggest you stop protecting him and tell his dm. He does not get to play the good guy. You should not have to hide your trauma and pain.

Personally I’d end it, throw him out!
Could you even sleep with him again after what he has done to you and your family?
You deserve so much better, someone who you can trust and who has your back. You can’t spend the rest of your life worrying about what he’s up to, he’s a lier and a cheat.
The timing is horrible, when you are feeling so vulnerable but you have got this op.
Think about you and what you really want and whether you can honestly feel the same about your husband again.

I'm sorry OP but I would've probably kicked my husband in the teeth had he kissed my bump after admitting to fucking two random strangers! Then I'd have thrown his cheating ass out but then I'm a bit in the fiery side

Copping off with two women in front of your wife's best friend's husband and then having a threesome before taking an selfie aren't the actions of a man who's cheating for the first time. Not only that, but if he were genuinely mortified and terrified of getting caught he wouldn't have been so careless with the condom wrapper, messages or that photo. You would expect a first timer to be overly cautious and wipe everything. This sounds more like someone who's got away with it for a long time and has got complacent.

And he's not treating you like a queen; he's panicking and thinking that by pulling out a few bunches of flowers and appearing contrite you'll stay and keep his secret for him. Don't keep this to yourself and seek support from wherever you need it.

Also who the fk has a threesome the first time they cheat on their pregnant wife?

If true, to pull for a threesome one night stand in a club takes s bit of luck and a lot of confidence and cock suredness (no pun intended) .. the sort someone is unlikely to have from being a devoted, monogamous family man. Doesn't make any sense.

So amazing buying you flowers.

So amazing dicking 2 women whilst on holiday when his heavily pregnant wife is at home looking after their 2 year old.

He’s not amazing. He only fessed up cuz he got caught. You deserve so much better xx