Husband cheated?? Devastated!?!

[annonlady]

Never thought I’d be one of the people to have this story to share. I just found out that my husband of 4 years has cheated on me with two women in a club. We’ve been together for 6 years and have a 2 year old son. I am currently 7 and a half months pregnant with our second boy, and to say I am devastated is an understatement. I found out because my “D”h went to Spain for a week with his best friend and some family for his cousins wedding, (I stayed home due to being so heavily pregnant and to take care of DS) and I found a condom wrapper in his suitcase that he had left open as he was unpacking.

I asked him about him about it and he straight up lied and tried to blame it on his best friend saying it was his (I still can’t believe he did that especially as they’ve been friends since primary school) so I grabbed his phone quickly and unlocked it before he had a chance to delete anything. I thought I’d find messages from the women but instead I found messages between him and his best friend the day after it happened where he had been pleading with DH to tell the truth to me and be honest about cheating with the women saying it wasn’t right and that I deserve to know. My DH had replied saying he was drunk and didn’t remember sleeping with anyone (which I now know was a lie to cover his back) and then eventually messaged him saying that he doesn't want to tell me because he doesn’t want to ruin our family. Then I found a pic on his phone in the recently deleted section with him seemingly drunk and holding the two women in question.

I called his best friends wife crying who explained that he left DH drunk in the club early (his wife happens to also be my best friend) and said he didn’t want to be a part of it, and only saw kissing and tried to break it up.

Confronted with proof he couldn’t even try and worm his way out of this one so he broke down crying and admitted to me that he had a drunken threesome with the two women in their hotel room. He promised me that they used protection and that it was a one time drunken fling and that his best friend didn’t know they extent of what happened. He started crying and kissing my belly promising it didn’t mean anything and that he will never do anything to hurt my family again and will do whatever it takes and go to counselling and is so sorry blah blah blah.

It has been a week since and he’s been on the couch and I haven’t spoken to anyone about it. I can’t bare to look at him or to even process or think anything rational and I can’t speak to my family or his as my family adore him and would kill him if they found out. My MIL loves me like a daughter and if she knew what DH had done would also kill him and she’d be ashamed. She’s quite old and also sick so I don’t want to burden her and make her think badly of her only son (I don’t want to make her even more ill so I need to be selfless here even though I know DH is a c*nt and his parents should know). I am so heartbroken and don’t know what to do.

He has been so amazing buying me flowers treating me like a queen. Apologising, organising counselling sessions and taking care of DS all by himself all week to try and make things up to me. I’ve been avoiding him all week and I have completely stopped talking to my best friend and her husband as I am so embarrassed and also slightly unreasonably angry that he allowed DH to get so drunk and left him in the club kissing those two women even though I know DH is a grown man and probably wouldn’t have listened to his best friend. The house is in joint names but I am not working I am a SAHM, my husband pays all the bills. I do childcare work on the side so that I have a bit of money to myself so I have a little bit in savings but not enough to just kick DH out of the house. He adores our DS and is an amazing father and I can’t bare to split up the house and do that to our son especially being nearly 8 months pregnant.

I don’t know what to do. I’ve cried myself to sleep every night so depressed and don’t even feel like getting out of bed to even eat and have been blaming myself (being pregnant, undesirable, maybe spending too much time focusing on DS.)

My DH has always been amazing we’ve never had many arguments nor has he ever cheated before this so I am just in shock. I can’t believe he would do this to our family, to our son! My heart is shattered. Sorry this is so long I just feel like ranting/rambling as I haven’t anyone else to talk to that I know without wanting to die inside. My friends and family will all judge him if we do decide to try and work through this with counselling and I need a clear head to work things out without the opinion of people who personally know us.

What should I do, has anyone been in this situation and can help me, what did you do, did you take him back? Should I give him another chance? Where do I go from here financially if I do decide to leave. What about DS and my pregnancy? I don’t think I can do this without my DH. :(

I have been in your situation I had 4 little ones youngest 3 he cried begged stayed away while I had a few days by myself telling everyone was my worst bit if I’m honest we looked the perfect couple and I felt so stupid for thinking he would never be one of those guys the thought of losing my family unit and home which I had worked so hard to create admittedly with his help was more than I could bear deep down I knew he had ruined everything for me and that I would never feel that same love for him again needless to say I took him back we have moved on if it ever gets mentioned he’s very blasé like of that was so long ago it dosent matter he couldn’t be more wrong I miss the way I was in love with him and proud of us as a family if I could go back I would not have taken him back his was a one night stand went back for seconds the next morning and didn’t use any contraception I’m not a bitter person and wasn’t going to let it eat me up for the rest of my life it hasn’t do I trust him no do I check what he’s up to phone etc no I don’t want to live that way we now have a grown up family and life is good but I will always feel that I should have had the courage to let him go my Nan had also just died suddenly a few months before I found out she was my only family so I think had I had that family to run to I definitely would have they are not the person you thought they were and that has always stayed with me good luck whatever you decide

Oh Op I'm sorry this has happened to you, of course you are heartbroken.
But I have to tell you that my husband buys me flowers all of the time, he does as much for the DC as I do and around the house too etc....this is just what normal decent men do. What he and the other decent men dont do is CHEAT on their wives, pregnant or not!!
Please think long and hard about what your future will be like if you stay with your cheating, lying husband. He does not love you nor respect you, he showed you that by sticking his dick in other women. You really are worth more than this. Please really think about your future, do you really want a man who treats you like this?

I spent all night begging him to tell me if there was more to the story if he’s been with other women or cheated on me before Sorry Op but he only looses by saying anything more than he absolutely has to.

Wow - a threesome on his first time with his clearly disgusted friend aware of it - he sounds like he could not give one fucking shit. Talk to your friends, they have done nothing wrong. Talk to his and your family - as you may need all the support you can get in the future. You have done nothing to be ashamed of so don't feel you need to cover for him. Having his family know might just the the shock he needs. Try counselling if you want to see if you can forgive him. But get some support.

I think the man you think you are married to and the man you are married to in reality are two completely different people.

I don't believe this is the first time.

Flowers and crocodile tears, how predictable.

The length of your post and too much info suggests to me you are trying to justify his actions. Pack his stuff dumpit on the doorstep and phone a fucking locksmith. Have some pride in yourself.

Well said

OP I'm so sorry.

If he had come home full of remorse, had willingly admitted everything (especially knowing that your friends knew) and hadn't tried to cover his tracks then I think you may have had a chance to salvage your relationship. He didn't. He kept on lying. The fact that he tried to blame his friend shows that you can't trust a word that comes out of his mouth. I agree with others that he has probably done this numerous times before because he is too quick to cover his tracks.

I think your decision to LTB is the right one. Counselling will never fix a relationship with someone who lies and tries to hide their actions. Just be aware that if you try to tough it out for a few months, you only have 6 months in which to file using infidelity as your reason. After 6 months you are deemed to have accepted the behaviour and reconciled so you then have to separate and wait for two years for the divorce to go through. Personally I would want to get the cheating bastard out of my life ASAP.

God OP how awful. I'm so sorry.

I'm with most others on this thread - this tells you all you need to know about the 'real him' and I'm glad you're going to get shot. Even if (highly unlikely) this was his first time technically cheating on you, the fact that he picked up two women in a club and had a threesome while his pregnant wife waited at home - oh bleurgh. That's a whole level up from even having a 'normal' affair - that's the action of an out-and-out sleaze, a total pig - and you can believe right now that if he's not cheated before it's simply because he hasn't had the chance to. He's a dog.

A few suggestions.

Don't be rushed by ANYBODY on what you could/should do. He can leave for as long as you need, and fuck him until you decide to let him know what's happening. I probably wouldn't tell MIL right now but I would tell your family/v close friends, if you can/ You need support... but, I'd make it VERY clear that you expect, for now, emotional and practical support and even a HINT of 'Well you need to do THIS! Right NOW!' - and you will shut them out. You need time to process and think and (as much as you can) relax, because of the baby.

Secondly, don't have him at the birth, really don't. Not to punish - but because you really need a birth partner(s) that you feel close to, and tust, and feel supported by, for the birth to go well. The absolute worst case scenario here is that you let him come once he starts banging on about it being his right to see his child born, and your labour doesn't progress because you feel utterly stressed and like screaming at him to get the fuck away when he tries his mealy-mouthed shoulder rubs, and you end up with intervention/a CS because you can't relax and go with the flow. Now that is a whole other ball game of something to never forgive him for, especially if the baby ended up distressed, so don't do it - and if he doesn't like it you tell him straight it's safer for the baby because no way can you relax and labour with him there so tough, HE did this and he can respect what needs to happen and spend the time thinking why he isn't with you and whose damn fault it is - it's not about him, but getting the baby here safe.

One final thing. I know this sounds like an urban myth as it's a friend of a friend's story I relate here, but this person also split with her H when pregnant with her second. She was also married so she and her toddler shared a surname with her H. She didn't have her H at the birth of the second and she registered the baby in hospital with her maiden surname. She'd thought it through and knew that ultimately they'd divorce, and she'd want to continue to share a surname with her children. So she registered no 2 with her surname as she knew that'd be the only way he'd ever agree to them being double barrelled - I'll agree to change 'my one' if you'll agree to change yours! He was furious. It worked. They;re now divorced with two children with double barreled surnames.

So just leaving that little story there for you.

Just wondering OP how everything is going?