Husband cheated?? Devastated!?!

[annonlady]

Never thought I’d be one of the people to have this story to share. I just found out that my husband of 4 years has cheated on me with two women in a club. We’ve been together for 6 years and have a 2 year old son. I am currently 7 and a half months pregnant with our second boy, and to say I am devastated is an understatement. I found out because my “D”h went to Spain for a week with his best friend and some family for his cousins wedding, (I stayed home due to being so heavily pregnant and to take care of DS) and I found a condom wrapper in his suitcase that he had left open as he was unpacking.

I asked him about him about it and he straight up lied and tried to blame it on his best friend saying it was his (I still can’t believe he did that especially as they’ve been friends since primary school) so I grabbed his phone quickly and unlocked it before he had a chance to delete anything. I thought I’d find messages from the women but instead I found messages between him and his best friend the day after it happened where he had been pleading with DH to tell the truth to me and be honest about cheating with the women saying it wasn’t right and that I deserve to know. My DH had replied saying he was drunk and didn’t remember sleeping with anyone (which I now know was a lie to cover his back) and then eventually messaged him saying that he doesn't want to tell me because he doesn’t want to ruin our family. Then I found a pic on his phone in the recently deleted section with him seemingly drunk and holding the two women in question.

I called his best friends wife crying who explained that he left DH drunk in the club early (his wife happens to also be my best friend) and said he didn’t want to be a part of it, and only saw kissing and tried to break it up.

Confronted with proof he couldn’t even try and worm his way out of this one so he broke down crying and admitted to me that he had a drunken threesome with the two women in their hotel room. He promised me that they used protection and that it was a one time drunken fling and that his best friend didn’t know they extent of what happened. He started crying and kissing my belly promising it didn’t mean anything and that he will never do anything to hurt my family again and will do whatever it takes and go to counselling and is so sorry blah blah blah.

It has been a week since and he’s been on the couch and I haven’t spoken to anyone about it. I can’t bare to look at him or to even process or think anything rational and I can’t speak to my family or his as my family adore him and would kill him if they found out. My MIL loves me like a daughter and if she knew what DH had done would also kill him and she’d be ashamed. She’s quite old and also sick so I don’t want to burden her and make her think badly of her only son (I don’t want to make her even more ill so I need to be selfless here even though I know DH is a c*nt and his parents should know). I am so heartbroken and don’t know what to do.

He has been so amazing buying me flowers treating me like a queen. Apologising, organising counselling sessions and taking care of DS all by himself all week to try and make things up to me. I’ve been avoiding him all week and I have completely stopped talking to my best friend and her husband as I am so embarrassed and also slightly unreasonably angry that he allowed DH to get so drunk and left him in the club kissing those two women even though I know DH is a grown man and probably wouldn’t have listened to his best friend. The house is in joint names but I am not working I am a SAHM, my husband pays all the bills. I do childcare work on the side so that I have a bit of money to myself so I have a little bit in savings but not enough to just kick DH out of the house. He adores our DS and is an amazing father and I can’t bare to split up the house and do that to our son especially being nearly 8 months pregnant.

I don’t know what to do. I’ve cried myself to sleep every night so depressed and don’t even feel like getting out of bed to even eat and have been blaming myself (being pregnant, undesirable, maybe spending too much time focusing on DS.)

My DH has always been amazing we’ve never had many arguments nor has he ever cheated before this so I am just in shock. I can’t believe he would do this to our family, to our son! My heart is shattered. Sorry this is so long I just feel like ranting/rambling as I haven’t anyone else to talk to that I know without wanting to die inside. My friends and family will all judge him if we do decide to try and work through this with counselling and I need a clear head to work things out without the opinion of people who personally know us.

What should I do, has anyone been in this situation and can help me, what did you do, did you take him back? Should I give him another chance? Where do I go from here financially if I do decide to leave. What about DS and my pregnancy? I don’t think I can do this without my DH. :(

He will 100% cheat on you again.

You've has a NC fail OP I think.

I wonder how he normally behaves if you think buying flowers and looking after his own DC is treating you like a queen

I was a bit at this too.

Why is he arranging counselling? Is this like a get out of jail free card these days?

He’s crying because he got caught.
He’s buying you things to try and manipulate you
He has no respect for you, or his best friend, not even himself.

^ these are facts, not opinions.

I'd tell the get the extra support - they will want to help, who are you going to have at the birth ?

Threesomes don't generally just 'happen' I wouldn't believe a thing he says

Your bf and her husband are the support you need and the husband isn't to blame for your disgusting DJ behaviour.
This isn't the first time, it's the first time he got over confident and exposed himself by allowing his friend to even see what he gets up too, and you found the wrapper.

Also do be fooled by your great relationship with your MIL, two things will happen, she will tell him off and expect you to forgive and forget or she will side with him in the end.
He's her son at the end of the day.

The problem is you now know what he did, and if he does it again he knows your eventually forgive him.
Buying you flowers and looking after his son?.... isn't that what he's supposed to do? The next time he gets caught he would be doing half of that but will start blaming you.

It must be very lonely dealing with all of this alone. Please lean on a friend or family.

You and your children deserve so much better. It's going to be shit for a bit - but you will come through this (with or without your moronic husband).

Get some support, some space and some time.

OP, I'm sorry to be blunt but he put himself into two random women whilst you are at home heavily pregnant with your other young child.

He fucked two women whilst you cooked, cleaned and cared for your children.

I'm not saying to leave, you have to do what's right for you but please go and talk to people about it. If you have genuinely asked him to leave then people will ask anyway.

Completely agree with PPs that it’s very, very unlikely this is the first time he has cheated.

OP I’m so sorry. That’s absolutely devastating. Part of me wants to say try counseling, but then another part of me thinks if all it takes for him to cheat is getting drunk then it’s better you get rid of him now. You will find love again.

My exH cheated on me when DD was 1. I thought he was my best friend, we’d been together 11 years, it was so hard to get my head around the idea that he could do that to me. At first I thought maybe it was an emotional affair or that it had been a one-night stand and was willing to try to talk through it. But in the end he made it easy for me to end it, as I found out it was several people not just one, and that he had been actively looking on dating sites.

The fact that your DH was going to hide it from you is a bad sign. If I ever cheated on my DH the guilt would eat me alive and I’d risk losing him by telling him what had happened. It’s totally selfish that he wanted to have a threesome and then get to keep his wife and not have to deal with hurting you!

What a hideous experience you must be having

I’d honestly ask him to give you some breathing space while you try to gather your thoughts.

If he won’t respect that then he isn’t sorry at all.

Really sorry your going through this.

So sorry this is happening to you op

I'm so sorry OP. I agree with previous posters, i very much doubt this was the first time. I imagine it won't be the last.

Having said that, your head must be spinning. Do think about getting counselling for yourself, to get things straight in your head before you make any decisions. Don't feel under pressure to make any quick decisions.

Stop protecting him, tell your parents, tell his parents, he needs to earn back trust and part of that is having to deal with the fallout of his actions and not just with you. My ex had an affair and I didn't tell anyone, I didn't want anyone to think bad of him in case I tried to make it work again. It was the worst think I could have done.

Op you don’t need our permission to stay but you need to be honest with yourself.

Him blaming his best friend and making excuses is the him that he’s done a good job of hiding from you. The cheating may have not been premeditated but the cover up; trying to throw his friend under the bus and the trut drip feed certainly was.

I suspect that there’s a side to your H that you aren’t ready to acknowledge which is your prerogative but not doing so will be detrimental to you and or the healthy recovery of your marriage.

Take your time but prepare yourself for your H having a very different penance time table to yours.

@Jellybeansincognito nope I found out about it the night he came back from Spain as he was unpacking, he left the room and his suitcase was open on the floor where I found the condom. Since then he’s been on the couch and I have barely even looked at him let alone touch him...

Awful. Just awful for you OP. There's absolutely no way I could forgive this. You'd be signing yourself up to anguish, heartache and uncertainty for the rest of your married life.

I'm sorry op but he doesn't go from not cheating at all to shagging two strangers at the same time. It's not the first time.
You are being completely unreasonable to be angry at his bets friend. Your dh is a grown man with responsibilities.
I hope you're ok but it seems like you'll be taken in by the flowers etc. What a horrible situation to be in especially when pregnant.

If you think you can put it behind you and move on, then take him back if you want.

However, if you think you can never get over it and will bring it up in every fight you have with him and if it will eat you up inside, then you need to divorce him.

This is simply horrendous and I am in full agreement with other posters. This was not the first time.

I have something to add. I think he was with either prostitutes or at a swinging club. Who picks up two women or two men ... two ANYONE for a one-night stand? He was either at a brothel/stripper place or a club where people have sex with each other openly... sadly these hovels exist in many places in Europe.... or it was a swingers' place.

This was premeditated, not the first time and you need to get him away from the family home while you go through the last stage of your pregnancy and have people around you that truly love you ONLY. He needs to stay away.

I think he needs to stay away for a good few months in fact. You cannot make any major decisions right now. But he knows this too. How dare he even touch your belly after what he has done??

And the flowers...? WTAF?? Does he really think that flowers will make it all OK??? What an utter shitbag of a twat. He needs to pack a bag and go for now. Anywhere. That is HIS problem.

YOU need peace, love and caring. Not this utter shit. OMG OP, I want to come over and hug you, run a bath, cook you a meal and kick this motherfucker's filthy lying butt out of the door followed by a lock change.

The SAD thing is, you need a STI test... you must get one. Herpes and other viruses can affect the unborn child.

Was he looking upset, devastated, crying when he got home? Before you knew about his dirty dog antics? NO he wasn't and that's because he thought he'd got away with it and doesn't give a shit about anyone but himself. Your friends sound decent I wouldn't push them away.

@MarianaMoatedGrange sorry I must elaborate, even though he works full time he’s taken a week off to do all the child care and let me just sleep in bed for the week, he’s done all the cooking, washing up and cleaning and I haven’t lifted a finger all week. Even though he’s putting in this extra effort I know he’s just trying to butter me up and is pointless. He isn’t the most hands on dad and he works full time and usually is tired when he gets home but does his fair share so to me I’m surprised to see him making this effort but from reading your responses I feel a bit foolish. Maybe I’ve put him on a pedestal because I love him so much but I guess the stuff he is doing many husbands do anyways.

He’s buying you things to try and manipulate you

My sister's ex did this (in his case he hadn't been caught outright cheating, though there seemed to be a lot pointing to him cheating; it was because he's been thrown out after pushing, dragging her around etc during an argument after she'd walked into a bar and found him sitting with two women she didn't know on a night he was supposed to be doing overtime).

It was flowers, teddies, jewellery. He was a changed man; kept it up for three or four months, then back to previous, they divorced after a while.

I think you're isolating yourself to protect the cheat. You will need to speak to someone for some clarity. If you keep this to yourself you will be making it easy for him to downplay the situation.

Please speak to someone you are close to. It will help get your thoughts in order

@AgentJohnson I completely I agree I now know that I clearly do not know my husband and the fairytale that I once thought was my husband is now my nightmare and I’m now trying to find evidence of past cheating so that I can compile a case. I really don’t think I could give him another chance. I’m gonna wait till I’ve given birth then tell everyone and start divorce proceedings. I haven’t told him yet of my plans as I know he will simply try and sway me. I need to rip the plaster off and force myself to see into the future although I’m heartbroken. I just don’t know how I’m going to even begin to get through this or start anything, it all seems so logical and practical and I just want to lay in bed and cry