Husband cheated?? Devastated!?!

[annonlady]

Never thought I’d be one of the people to have this story to share. I just found out that my husband of 4 years has cheated on me with two women in a club. We’ve been together for 6 years and have a 2 year old son. I am currently 7 and a half months pregnant with our second boy, and to say I am devastated is an understatement. I found out because my “D”h went to Spain for a week with his best friend and some family for his cousins wedding, (I stayed home due to being so heavily pregnant and to take care of DS) and I found a condom wrapper in his suitcase that he had left open as he was unpacking.

I asked him about him about it and he straight up lied and tried to blame it on his best friend saying it was his (I still can’t believe he did that especially as they’ve been friends since primary school) so I grabbed his phone quickly and unlocked it before he had a chance to delete anything. I thought I’d find messages from the women but instead I found messages between him and his best friend the day after it happened where he had been pleading with DH to tell the truth to me and be honest about cheating with the women saying it wasn’t right and that I deserve to know. My DH had replied saying he was drunk and didn’t remember sleeping with anyone (which I now know was a lie to cover his back) and then eventually messaged him saying that he doesn't want to tell me because he doesn’t want to ruin our family. Then I found a pic on his phone in the recently deleted section with him seemingly drunk and holding the two women in question.

I called his best friends wife crying who explained that he left DH drunk in the club early (his wife happens to also be my best friend) and said he didn’t want to be a part of it, and only saw kissing and tried to break it up.

Confronted with proof he couldn’t even try and worm his way out of this one so he broke down crying and admitted to me that he had a drunken threesome with the two women in their hotel room. He promised me that they used protection and that it was a one time drunken fling and that his best friend didn’t know they extent of what happened. He started crying and kissing my belly promising it didn’t mean anything and that he will never do anything to hurt my family again and will do whatever it takes and go to counselling and is so sorry blah blah blah.

It has been a week since and he’s been on the couch and I haven’t spoken to anyone about it. I can’t bare to look at him or to even process or think anything rational and I can’t speak to my family or his as my family adore him and would kill him if they found out. My MIL loves me like a daughter and if she knew what DH had done would also kill him and she’d be ashamed. She’s quite old and also sick so I don’t want to burden her and make her think badly of her only son (I don’t want to make her even more ill so I need to be selfless here even though I know DH is a c*nt and his parents should know). I am so heartbroken and don’t know what to do.

He has been so amazing buying me flowers treating me like a queen. Apologising, organising counselling sessions and taking care of DS all by himself all week to try and make things up to me. I’ve been avoiding him all week and I have completely stopped talking to my best friend and her husband as I am so embarrassed and also slightly unreasonably angry that he allowed DH to get so drunk and left him in the club kissing those two women even though I know DH is a grown man and probably wouldn’t have listened to his best friend. The house is in joint names but I am not working I am a SAHM, my husband pays all the bills. I do childcare work on the side so that I have a bit of money to myself so I have a little bit in savings but not enough to just kick DH out of the house. He adores our DS and is an amazing father and I can’t bare to split up the house and do that to our son especially being nearly 8 months pregnant.

I don’t know what to do. I’ve cried myself to sleep every night so depressed and don’t even feel like getting out of bed to even eat and have been blaming myself (being pregnant, undesirable, maybe spending too much time focusing on DS.)

My DH has always been amazing we’ve never had many arguments nor has he ever cheated before this so I am just in shock. I can’t believe he would do this to our family, to our son! My heart is shattered. Sorry this is so long I just feel like ranting/rambling as I haven’t anyone else to talk to that I know without wanting to die inside. My friends and family will all judge him if we do decide to try and work through this with counselling and I need a clear head to work things out without the opinion of people who personally know us.

What should I do, has anyone been in this situation and can help me, what did you do, did you take him back? Should I give him another chance? Where do I go from here financially if I do decide to leave. What about DS and my pregnancy? I don’t think I can do this without my DH. :(

@desperatehousewomann you dont need to compile a case. He was balls deep in two women like a week ago, that's your case.

Jesus wept, he's utter pond scum, isn't he?

You don't have to put up with this. Being pregnant shouldn't dictate having to keep him around - he lost that right when he was in a hotel room with other women. And DO NOT hide his shame from family and friends - you tell everyone you need to.

You know what you need to do, but you're talking yourself around to taking him back, he's been amazing etc. He's not amazing he's a cheating bastard

If I were him I'd be going through everything double checking there's no evidence from any of my previous exploits hanging around for you to find. So, I doubt you'll be able to make a case over and above this latest betrayal. There's little doubt this was the first time, it's all too confident.

This is horrible to read, I am so sorry that your husband has done this, he has basically spoiled everything. I have no idea if this can be recovered from, it's hard to imagine it. I totally get how you want to keep it under wraps for now and also to protect his elderly mother. Agree with your plan to get him out of the house so you don't have to act normally towards him or listen to his begging while you gather your thoughts.

While I wouldn't phrase it quite do bluntly as the previous poster , I agree you don't need to compile any sort of case.

You know, with evidence, he cheated on you. Bad in any circumstances but esp.whej you're married with a child and you heavily pregnant with another.

It's enough.

For that matter, even if he hadnt - you don't have to have a case for ending a relationship & marriage; you can if you want to. Judges usually aren't in the business of wasting time arguing about the unreasonable behaviour cited in a divorce. Though in your case you could possibly even divorce on grounds of adultery if you have the evidence.

Bit I know this is about you feeling justified - you are.

Sorry this is happening to you. If this happened in their room how did the condom wrapper get into his suitcase. Did he cheat more than once?

*But

I wondered if the friend put it there in the hope OP would find it.

Op obviously the future is your choice, but be carefull to think things through and make your own decisions. This forum has an intrinsic bias. Nobody knows except your DH if this was the first and only time it happened. Reading the story I think on balance of probability it probably was but what do I know. As for suggesting he was in a brothel, he would hardly be in a brothel if his friends wife was there.

Blaming his friend is survival 101.

To me it sounds like the chance of a threesome was too good to turn down probably while drunk. This obviously doesn't lessen the misdemeanor,. But it doesn't point to a history of similar behaviour. As most on here would have you believe.

Make decisions on what you know, not on what you or others dream up.

Send him packing. Best of luck, nobody deserves that.

Also re..him "treating you like a queen" now - not trying to be patronising but I think what to aim for in a relationship is someone who treats you decently all the time and follows basic rules of integrity & decency; not someone who cheats on you (while you're pregnant at home at that), and when caught out, rolls out the red carpet, begs, cries, dies all the housework, brings you flowers etc and all such over the top, ridiculous shit - in such extreme contrast to the utter disrespect they've treated you and your marriage & family with beforehand.

Something between two extremes of degradation and adoration.

OP, this is awful to read.
How terrible for you, especially being pregnant.

Great advice above.
I agree, unfortunately.

The blaming the friend.
The denial.
Highly unlikely it's the first time.
A threesome that possible involved sex workers.

You have to be your priority.
Your friends sound like they care about you.
Lean on them.
You need your family.
You need those that care for you.

His tears are for himself.

He's soooooo sorry that he's been caught.
Whatever you decide, you need to put yourself first.

Focus on how he was when came home.
If he was his normal self, you can be sure this wasn't the first time.

Wishing you well and strength.

No-one deserves this.

As for suggesting he was in a brothel, he would hardly be in a brothel if his friends wife was there.

Where does it say she was there?

She relayed what her dh said happened, I saw nothing to suggest she was there.

I also think he was unusually "lucky" to encounter a threesome opportunity while out clubbing .. did wonder if there was a sex work/prostitution angle.

There are a lot of people here who 'say' they would end their marriages in this situation. Some of them are telling the truth. Some aren't . They are saying what they think they should say without any thought to what that ACTUALLY means.
No one here can tell you the 'right' decision. Either way is beyond hard. It's not something to be decided in a few days..
I also do t hold with all the 'make him leave' crap .. wtf ?? Let him go cry into his beer while you do ALL the childcare for a young child, cooking, cleaning (not to mention Christmas prep - at 7 months pregnant?? No fucking way. !!

He can STAY right where he is, pull HIS weight AND yours while you get out when he's back from work, spend time with friends, talk it out - maybe see a professional counsellor on your own and have the TIME to work out what YOU want..

I'm so sorry. If you aren't ready to tell people you know yet, could you confide in your midwife? I think confidential support and understanding will be very important for you to get through this.

OP has created a new post seeking divorce advice if anyone has any experience please can you find it to give some advice.

I'm pregnant with my second too and I feel for you so much OP. Just know that you don't have to have anyone at the birth if you don't want to, no man has a "right" to be there. In fact, if his presence is not a 100% welcome and comforting thing, it will actively hinder your labour. He can look after DS1 while you labour with your mum/sister/best mate/just a midwife, whatever suits you.

DrMorbius Survival is food and water not throwing your best friend in your life under the bus to cover for a threesome.,

@BustedDreams I truly believe he lied and brought them back to his hotel room, he probably tried to make the situation seem less by saying he went back to their place. I just don’t believe him. No way would you sleep with someone at theirs wake up and go back to your room with the condom wrapper in the suitcase and sober up and act like it didn’t happen. But he swears he went to their hotel room. Not that it makes a difference as he’s evil to me either way. It breaks my heart no matter where he went. To do this to our son makes me think he’s a much sneakier liar than I could have given him credit for, I was desperately trying to find answers finding holes in every aspect of his story but now I don’t even care. All I know is that he’s a cheating scumbag and that’s enough for me to end things :(

@Sandals19 I really don’t think they went to a brothel just because I know his best friend and his wife they are practically family to us and I know he wouldn’t have allowed DH to go there or even think about something like that. I cried and spoke to his wife (my best friend) on the phone and she grilled her husband extensively and he says they went to a club they started drinking with a woman and met her friend. Then when it got too much he left and tried to get DH to come with him (who drunkenly refused.) I have no reason to believe he is lying, he’s apologised on behalf of DH and knows DH has been such an idiot and still doesn’t know that my so called “D”h had tried to throw him under the bus with such a bare faced lie. I think my husband did meet two random women in a club and has probably done something like this many times before (I just can’t prove it) but either way I don’t care to find out who is truly lying or telling the truth. The man who I thought was my amazing husband that I’d grow old with has turned out to be a slithering liar so I can’t really trust anyone anymore...

He’s an absolute scumbag. I could never look at him again

I really really feel for you. Found out my husband was having an affair when I was 12 weeks pregnant and we had a 1 year old at the time! I stayed with him. He promised he would never hurt me again etc
He then had another affair when my newborn was 8 weeks old. I've stayed with him.

I am only with him as I don't want sleepless nights by myself and I really didn't want to raise two children by myself.

However, I am now taking small sums of money, quite regularly and transferring them to my mum. He is paying for me to have a boob job and 50% of my personal trainer each week. Once I've got my boobs done, my old body back, and my kids are slightly older and easier, IM OUT OF THERE!!

Play the long game, I'm hoping this prick won't even see it coming!