Husband cheated?? Devastated!?!

[annonlady]

Never thought I’d be one of the people to have this story to share. I just found out that my husband of 4 years has cheated on me with two women in a club. We’ve been together for 6 years and have a 2 year old son. I am currently 7 and a half months pregnant with our second boy, and to say I am devastated is an understatement. I found out because my “D”h went to Spain for a week with his best friend and some family for his cousins wedding, (I stayed home due to being so heavily pregnant and to take care of DS) and I found a condom wrapper in his suitcase that he had left open as he was unpacking.

I asked him about him about it and he straight up lied and tried to blame it on his best friend saying it was his (I still can’t believe he did that especially as they’ve been friends since primary school) so I grabbed his phone quickly and unlocked it before he had a chance to delete anything. I thought I’d find messages from the women but instead I found messages between him and his best friend the day after it happened where he had been pleading with DH to tell the truth to me and be honest about cheating with the women saying it wasn’t right and that I deserve to know. My DH had replied saying he was drunk and didn’t remember sleeping with anyone (which I now know was a lie to cover his back) and then eventually messaged him saying that he doesn't want to tell me because he doesn’t want to ruin our family. Then I found a pic on his phone in the recently deleted section with him seemingly drunk and holding the two women in question.

I called his best friends wife crying who explained that he left DH drunk in the club early (his wife happens to also be my best friend) and said he didn’t want to be a part of it, and only saw kissing and tried to break it up.

Confronted with proof he couldn’t even try and worm his way out of this one so he broke down crying and admitted to me that he had a drunken threesome with the two women in their hotel room. He promised me that they used protection and that it was a one time drunken fling and that his best friend didn’t know they extent of what happened. He started crying and kissing my belly promising it didn’t mean anything and that he will never do anything to hurt my family again and will do whatever it takes and go to counselling and is so sorry blah blah blah.

It has been a week since and he’s been on the couch and I haven’t spoken to anyone about it. I can’t bare to look at him or to even process or think anything rational and I can’t speak to my family or his as my family adore him and would kill him if they found out. My MIL loves me like a daughter and if she knew what DH had done would also kill him and she’d be ashamed. She’s quite old and also sick so I don’t want to burden her and make her think badly of her only son (I don’t want to make her even more ill so I need to be selfless here even though I know DH is a c*nt and his parents should know). I am so heartbroken and don’t know what to do.

He has been so amazing buying me flowers treating me like a queen. Apologising, organising counselling sessions and taking care of DS all by himself all week to try and make things up to me. I’ve been avoiding him all week and I have completely stopped talking to my best friend and her husband as I am so embarrassed and also slightly unreasonably angry that he allowed DH to get so drunk and left him in the club kissing those two women even though I know DH is a grown man and probably wouldn’t have listened to his best friend. The house is in joint names but I am not working I am a SAHM, my husband pays all the bills. I do childcare work on the side so that I have a bit of money to myself so I have a little bit in savings but not enough to just kick DH out of the house. He adores our DS and is an amazing father and I can’t bare to split up the house and do that to our son especially being nearly 8 months pregnant.

I don’t know what to do. I’ve cried myself to sleep every night so depressed and don’t even feel like getting out of bed to even eat and have been blaming myself (being pregnant, undesirable, maybe spending too much time focusing on DS.)

My DH has always been amazing we’ve never had many arguments nor has he ever cheated before this so I am just in shock. I can’t believe he would do this to our family, to our son! My heart is shattered. Sorry this is so long I just feel like ranting/rambling as I haven’t anyone else to talk to that I know without wanting to die inside. My friends and family will all judge him if we do decide to try and work through this with counselling and I need a clear head to work things out without the opinion of people who personally know us.

What should I do, has anyone been in this situation and can help me, what did you do, did you take him back? Should I give him another chance? Where do I go from here financially if I do decide to leave. What about DS and my pregnancy? I don’t think I can do this without my DH. :(

Well he bought you flowers and said sorry.... Really?!?!
I don't think it's your job to protect his image in front of his mum or your family, did he stop to think about all of this when he decided to have a threesome. I think you are trying to blame the friend to help you be less angry at your husband, this is misplaced anger. The friend is not your husbands keeper, the friend clearly tried to stop him.
You need to do what is best for you, but this man does not sound like the best thing for you.....

and also slightly unreasonably angry that he allowed DH to get so drunk and left him in the club kissing those two women even though I know DH is a grown man and probably wouldn’t have listened to his best friend.

It isn't anyone else's responsibility to police your DHS sexual activities other than your DH.

Noone else's.

If your DHS best friend has to intercede, drag Jim away from other women, drag him out if clubs, try to keep him sober etc to stop him from cheating on you; you don't have a relationship let alone a marriage.

I wouldn't be hating on his mate, tbh. He did his best. A lot of guys would turn a blind eye and say nothing about it. And a good few would find it hilarious.

Don't shoot the messenger.

Thanks for all of ur messages, it seems like I really need to open my eyes! I’ve just been in such a state of shock I didn’t want to do anything whilst so emotional, I’m going to request that DH moves out until I have time to think, I don’t even know if I want him at the birth (as selfish as that sounds) I just can’t bare to look at him and I don’t want the stress to impact the birth. I can’t believe he’s try and blame his best friend they’ve known each other practically all their childhood/adult lives! I feel sick so disgusted. @Sandals19 you’re right now that I really think about it I don’t know him at all. Our whole relationship feels like a fraudulent lie. I can’t believe how quickly he’d try to lie and cover it up, I just keep imagining him with the women and what they were doing. I doubt he even used a condom the whole way through! I asked him, pleaded if he’d ever done this before to me and he swears blind it was the first time and a huge mistake and that he was so drunk it happened so fast. He’s been drunk before (say a work party or drinks with mates) but never to the point where he could cheat, usually he just passes out asleep and he barely drinks around me anyways. I can’t believe this.

He's a grown adult in control of his own behaviour. There simply are no excuses, he's totally screwed up.

However, do not make a permanent decision on a temporary emotion. You need time to process everything before doing anything, so take a breath and as much time as you need to figure out what you want for your future.

Not only has he done the dirty on you, but is behaving like a total sleeze with the flowers etc.

He’s lovebombing you- which is a red flag in a relationship.
He is not allowing you to process your thoughts in a productive way with the manipulation through buying you things.

Ask him to move out- for a month.

I guess at the end of the month you’ll have your decision.
If you’re worried he’ll just go out and cheat on you again you’ll have your answer.
If you trust him enough to give you some space and he does- respectfully- then perhaps you’ll give yourself a step to build from.

Agree with the advice that he needs to go. When it’s laid out like this

Cheating at all - check.
Cheating while married - check.
Cheating while married with a child - check.
Cheating while wife pregnant - check.
Cheating while pregnant wife at home, unable to travel and holding fort at home and looking after your child - check.
Cheating and expecting/pressuring your friend to lie and cover for you.*,

it’s just horrific to read much less think about.

And who goes from completely loving and faithful to a threesome in one night?

I think you should tell. Tell your family, tell his family. Get supported and make him feel the shame and the pain. Let him look his family and yours in the eyes knowing they know what a shit he is. That is HIS to bear. At the moment you are carrying all the pain and suffering and shame - It’s not yours to bear.

Tell them. I would sing like a canary. As for the bump kissing I would have ripped his head off. How fucking dare he.

I'm sorry OP, but you need to get yourself tested for sti's and there is no way his mouth would be touching any part of me or my DC either cos fuck knows where thats been too!

I'm sorry Op.

I'd be sorry even if you weren't pregnant, but that makes it even worse/harder.

It seems so unlikely to be a one off and even if it were, it's still incredible betrayal and below low integrity behaviour.

Worry you'll catch similar in future. But even if you didn't this is not the behaviour of someone decent, he's not worthy of you (or any wife who doesn't cheat and lie too).

This is what will happen. You will hate the thought if being alone and a a single mother. You will try and carry on as normal. You won't trust him. You will argue. You may even try counselling. You coukd end uo spending years making your kids miserable. Dump him. He gas no resoect and isn't in love with you. Has he got an STD to harm you and be baby?

Sorry but this is what nearly always happens.

I think you should tell. Tell your family, tell his family. Get supported and make him feel the shame and the pain. Let him look his family and yours in the eyes knowing they know what a shit he is. That is HIS to bear. At the moment you are carrying all the pain and suffering and shame - It’s not yours to bear.

I agree with this 100%. Why should you be carrying the burden of HIS shame? You have nothing to hang your head over, and you desperately need support. I would tell your family, his family, and your close friends.

I think the problem is ‘sorry’ doesn’t always just make it right, however much they go into flowers and lovebombing and’you are amazing’ territory. In fact when you are at the stage of feeling like cutting off their balls with a rusty razor blade and unsure of which way to turn, these gestures can be100% annoying.

Op have you slept with him since he went away?

Thanks xoxo I guess I’m just scared to tell family and friends as it means I’ll have the focus on this head on and everyone will be shoving their opinion in my face. I just feel like waiting until I give birth before telling everyone as I know I’ll have to face up to the situation and process the thought about leaving him and the stress will be too much. Should I start getting a lawyer from now? Do I even try and go to counselling? DH has agreed to leave the house for a while whilst I process my thoughts. He’s been crying every day begging me saying it was a mistake, but this isn’t like a peck from a random woman it was a full blown night of cheating. I don’t know how I’ll ever forgive him even though I love him and desperately want to :(

Op I think it’s important to remember that he’s crying because hes been caught out, not because he cheated on you.

This in itself is worrying.

Good point pp, imagine him coming home and sleeping with you after that! Truly heartless.

Also, if you had not seen the text and he continually blamed his friend, you could have felt obligated to tell the friends wife-and messed up their marriage!

The guy had no loyalty to anyone. Not his friend, not you, nor your unborn child.
Out with the trash.

I asked him, pleaded if he’d ever done this before to me and he swears blind it was the first time and a huge mistake and that he was so drunk it happened so fast.

This is the very last moment he's going to admit to anything else, anything you haven't got evidence of. He knows you are devastated, he knows there's a chance you'll kick him out (or move out etc.), he knows you might tell his family, he knows he could have his image as a nice guy, a family man etc. blown to smithereens, he knows he's on the precipice of all that. And the thing is, men like this often do (in their own rather limited, selfish way) live their partners and like their lives together; the security, the reliability, the support, the intimacy, the comfort, the conformity etc. .. they just want the things you're supposed to sacrifice for those too, they want to have their cake and eat it .. so he probably really is shit scared and pretty horrified at the prospect of you kicking him out for a those reasons.
There is no fkg way he's going to tell you about stuff if it happened.

For me, he'd need to:
Move out
Tell all your friends and family why
Be okay with me taking years over my decision
Go to couples counselling after I had finished my year of counselling to decide whether to go ahead

I am not minimsing what your DH has done OP. He deserves whatever you throw at him for doing this to you, but it doesn't sound like you want to leave him and that is your decision. Not one that you have to make now by the way. You have a baby coming. You need to focus on that and think for longer than a week about how you want to move forward.
I think it would be fair to ask him to spend a few nights in a hotel if you need more space. I hope you can get through this without too much more heartache. Make the decision that is right for you and your children .

Two women having a threesome with a random stranger is quite unusual. I wonder if the women were sex workers?

He’s been crying every day begging me saying it was a mistake

Burning the toast is a mistake. Hitting the kerb with your tyre is a mistake.

Him ducking two women was a deliberate act. He had to meet them. He had to choose to chat them up and start flirting. He had to choose to walk all the way to the hotel room with them. He then chose to have sex. He could have put a stop to this anytime he wanted, but he didn't. He wouldn't even listen to his friend. He then came home, straight-faced, and acted like everything is perfectly normal. He then chose to lie his arse off when he got caught. A "mistake?" Not even close.

Those tears he's crying are for himself.

Tell people. That way you will be less tempted to take him back once you have has the baby in a moment of weakness.

If anyone tries to give you advice the just say 'I don't wish to discuss it with you, thankyou for your concern but I hope you respect my right to make my own decisions going forwards'.

*fucking. Ffs.

What Sandals19 said
‘ Also who the fk has a threesome the first time they cheat on their pregnant wife?

If true, to pull for a threesome one night stand in a club takes s bit of luck and a lot of confidence and cock suredness (no pun intended) .. the sort someone is unlikely to have from being a devoted, monogamous family man. Doesn't make any sense.’

It takes a special kind of wanker to cheat on his pregnant wife with two women at the same time.

He is NOT treating you like a queen. I wonder how he normally behaves if you think buying flowers and looking after his own DC is treating you like a queen.
He is actually treating you like a mug

Lots on here will tell you to leave him. In reality I know it's not always as easy. However what I will strongly recommend is that you make him go and stay elsewhere and give you some space to think. A few weeks ago I caught my husband on a hook up site, I initially threw him out but he begged for another chance so I've let him come back. I was absolutely devastated at the thought of ending it but every day I question if I've done the right thing, I feel constantly sick and on edge and I just wish I'd made him leave for longer because I've just not had chance to think it over clearly and decide what I want.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Any time is awful enough but when you're pregnant! He is disgusting. I'm afraid to say it's not necessarily the first time he's cheated, it's just the first time he's been caught (although he'll obviously swear blind he's never done anything like this before). They always only admit to the bare minimum.

Just remember there's no pressure on you to decide what to do right now. Have some space from him and your mind will become clearer. You might then decide you dont want to forgive him. Maybe you'll want to try but 6 months/a year down the line you'll decide it's over. Either is ok. It's your life and you have to do what you think is right. One thing I'll say though is think very carefully about whether you'll ever trust him again. Because that constant doubt is soul destroying x