Husband cheated?? Devastated!?!

[annonlady]

Never thought I’d be one of the people to have this story to share. I just found out that my husband of 4 years has cheated on me with two women in a club. We’ve been together for 6 years and have a 2 year old son. I am currently 7 and a half months pregnant with our second boy, and to say I am devastated is an understatement. I found out because my “D”h went to Spain for a week with his best friend and some family for his cousins wedding, (I stayed home due to being so heavily pregnant and to take care of DS) and I found a condom wrapper in his suitcase that he had left open as he was unpacking.

I asked him about him about it and he straight up lied and tried to blame it on his best friend saying it was his (I still can’t believe he did that especially as they’ve been friends since primary school) so I grabbed his phone quickly and unlocked it before he had a chance to delete anything. I thought I’d find messages from the women but instead I found messages between him and his best friend the day after it happened where he had been pleading with DH to tell the truth to me and be honest about cheating with the women saying it wasn’t right and that I deserve to know. My DH had replied saying he was drunk and didn’t remember sleeping with anyone (which I now know was a lie to cover his back) and then eventually messaged him saying that he doesn't want to tell me because he doesn’t want to ruin our family. Then I found a pic on his phone in the recently deleted section with him seemingly drunk and holding the two women in question.

I called his best friends wife crying who explained that he left DH drunk in the club early (his wife happens to also be my best friend) and said he didn’t want to be a part of it, and only saw kissing and tried to break it up.

Confronted with proof he couldn’t even try and worm his way out of this one so he broke down crying and admitted to me that he had a drunken threesome with the two women in their hotel room. He promised me that they used protection and that it was a one time drunken fling and that his best friend didn’t know they extent of what happened. He started crying and kissing my belly promising it didn’t mean anything and that he will never do anything to hurt my family again and will do whatever it takes and go to counselling and is so sorry blah blah blah.

It has been a week since and he’s been on the couch and I haven’t spoken to anyone about it. I can’t bare to look at him or to even process or think anything rational and I can’t speak to my family or his as my family adore him and would kill him if they found out. My MIL loves me like a daughter and if she knew what DH had done would also kill him and she’d be ashamed. She’s quite old and also sick so I don’t want to burden her and make her think badly of her only son (I don’t want to make her even more ill so I need to be selfless here even though I know DH is a c*nt and his parents should know). I am so heartbroken and don’t know what to do.

He has been so amazing buying me flowers treating me like a queen. Apologising, organising counselling sessions and taking care of DS all by himself all week to try and make things up to me. I’ve been avoiding him all week and I have completely stopped talking to my best friend and her husband as I am so embarrassed and also slightly unreasonably angry that he allowed DH to get so drunk and left him in the club kissing those two women even though I know DH is a grown man and probably wouldn’t have listened to his best friend. The house is in joint names but I am not working I am a SAHM, my husband pays all the bills. I do childcare work on the side so that I have a bit of money to myself so I have a little bit in savings but not enough to just kick DH out of the house. He adores our DS and is an amazing father and I can’t bare to split up the house and do that to our son especially being nearly 8 months pregnant.

I don’t know what to do. I’ve cried myself to sleep every night so depressed and don’t even feel like getting out of bed to even eat and have been blaming myself (being pregnant, undesirable, maybe spending too much time focusing on DS.)

My DH has always been amazing we’ve never had many arguments nor has he ever cheated before this so I am just in shock. I can’t believe he would do this to our family, to our son! My heart is shattered. Sorry this is so long I just feel like ranting/rambling as I haven’t anyone else to talk to that I know without wanting to die inside. My friends and family will all judge him if we do decide to try and work through this with counselling and I need a clear head to work things out without the opinion of people who personally know us.

What should I do, has anyone been in this situation and can help me, what did you do, did you take him back? Should I give him another chance? Where do I go from here financially if I do decide to leave. What about DS and my pregnancy? I don’t think I can do this without my DH. :(

OP, some men when presented with an opportunity (like a willing bed fellow(s)) will just take that opportunity without any conscience if they think they are likely to get away with it.
They take the view if no-one knows then they have done nothing wrong.
Well your H is truly up shit creek now as you found out!
Believe me this is probably not the first time he has taken the "opportunity" and its part of his behaviour that is never really going to change.
Please look after yourself you deserve so much better than this, you will never be able to fully trust him, ever.
Tell your friends and family you need, emotionally to be able to tell people who can give you emotional and practical support.
Take care

Don't wait until you have the baby to tell people. You need to have a wall of support up so you don't end up going back to him in a moment of weakness because of baby endorphins. You need other people to turn to to lean on and to protect you. And it would be wise not to let him to the birth either.

This forum has an intrinsic bias.

Bias?

I'd have thought not having sex with other people while in a serious long-term monogamous relationship, one in which you have also stood up in front of your collected family and friends and taken vows, declared them your life partner etc, and brought children into the world with, and have another child soon to be born with - would be fairly basic human integrity, no?

Is it a bias to expect a husband not to cheat on his pregnant wife and find it cruel and beyond the pale.

He's also risking her health and that of the unborn child if he contracted an Std from his casual sexual encounters. Hsv can do some not v nice things to foetuses, you know.

But this must all be because we're biased; the things we expect of married and attached men; my goodness what will we unreasonable women be judging them for next?

rhowton you’re a legend

Personally, I'd tell both sets of parents what has happened, they seem to be under the illusion he is something special.

Don't cut your friends off, the friend tried to stop this happening and by the sounds of it could see he was making no difference, so he got right out of the situation. What more could he have done?

Your husband isn't much of a friend to him either. He was trying to stitch up his friend by saying the condom wrapper was his, what if you'd told his wife?

If anything, I would be blowing the lid on this and for good measure, I'd tell his friend he was trying to put the blame on him for the empty wrapper.

Regardless of whether this was the first time or not, I'd be kicking him out if I was you, but not before I'd rammed the bunch of flowers up just arse!

Do you know what doesn’t add up OP?

Why did he have an empty condom wrapper in his suitcase when he’s said he went to their hotel room to have sex?

Was there anyone else?

Why did he only have one condom wrapper if he shagged two women? I'm not really knowledgeable about threesomes but do you use one condom for two women? Uurgh.
I'm so sorry you are going through this op.

@desperatehousewomann, why did he even have condoms with him if he wasn't planning on cheating?

That alone suggests he has previous form for cheating, and now goes 'prepared'.

Oh OP this is so hard.
What did I do? I ended it.
I agreed to try for about a day!
Then I realised that I deserved better.
I knew I would never feel the same way about him again.
I never thought another human being could hurt me so badly.
The physical pain. The mental torture.
It's all horrendous.
But.... many couples don't end things.
Many do decide to work on it.
But than is the far longer and far harder road.

I have to agree with others, this won't be his first rodeo!
He will have done this before.
You don't go from nothing to a threesome and then lie about it so easily.

I would need some space. I totally understand why you don't want to tell people.
I didn't tell people for a while because I didn't want them to think badly of him if I wanted to try again.
My BIGGEST piece of advice is to talk to someone.
Carrying this burden on your own is not good. Especially when pregnant. You will send your insane.
Talk to your friend. Hopefully she is not a judgey person so will understand if you do decide to give him another chance.

For now though you HAVE to look after yourself.
Try to eat. Sugar levels up. And keep hydrated.

Take each day at a time and no knee-jerk reactions.
This is YOUR life and your decision.
But take your time and really think about the long-term.

Sending you huge (((((HUGS)))))

@rhowton sorry if this is a personal question but are you still intimate with your husband?

@Knowhowufeel I spent all night begging him to tell me if there was more to the story if he’s been with other women or cheated on me before. We went round and round all night until the next day no sleep I just keep crying and questioning him arguing pleading. He wouldn't tell me anymore than the basics. He said he slept with one of the women and did “other things” with the OW. Said it was quick and didn’t last long. I don’t believe him I think he slept with both of them (probably at the same time and probably didn’t even use a condom during) and I now think he’s done this to me before after reading these responses (I can’t believe I’ve been so naive) but I just can’t prove it because he’s never given me a reason to suspect previous cheating. His laptop and work phone have a password and he rarely uses them but said he couldn't give me the password as it’s company policy (he works in a high security IT firm for a very large company) so I never had a reason to question that. His personal phone is clean aside from the one picture and messages between him and his best friend. So I’ll never know... :(

Oh my gosh, I can feel your pain through the page. I don't agree with this "tough love" approach that some posters take on here, it's almost rubbing salt in your wounds.

@hellsbellsmelons gives great advice and I can only echo everything she has said.

When I was going through a tough time and I didn't think I could make it through the day, my sister told me that all I ever had to do at any one time was the next thing. So if I was in bed worrying about the future, the next thing I had to do was get up and have a shower. And then after that it's to get dressed. I only ever thought about the next thing, the next 10 minutes and it was a lot easier to process than thinking "OH MY GOD I CAN'T COPE" with the thought of the whole day. Breaking it up into little chunks you will cope.

You will get through this OP. We are with you xxx

Also - congratulations on your pregnancy!

Firstly, have you slept with him since he got back from the trip? If yes, you need to be very sensible and go get checked. He was drunk, he didn’t use a condom. He’s stuck it in two different women. So gross. How you can ever stand to let him near you again I don’t know. Secondly, why are you protecting him? You need support! This is about you now, not him. You tell your family and friends and you gather support! Why should he be adored after what he’s done. I personally would be getting rid of a man who did this. He can’t be trusted. He had such little respect...he chucked you and your kids away for a couple of slags. He’s going to do it again and you know it. He’s probably been at it before. You can now never trust him. Plus, why did he have a condom in his suitcase? He went on that holiday prepared to cheat. Why pack it? His story is full of holes and you’re being a huge mug.

Yeah I'm wondering about the condoms too.
Presumably you don't use them (?) and even if you did why would he take them on a trip you weren't going on.

So presumably he bought the condoms there - which totally belies his story that he was excessively drunk and barely knew what he was doing. He was with if enough to obtain some condoms before he had sex with the other women.

Or are they supposed to have supplied them? Kinda weird. O don't know many women who go out carrying condoms. In still wondering if they were truly non sex workers.

This was in Spain, right? Were they Spanish? I've found Spanish women to be more conservative in average then eg women from the UK.

Also as other posters have said, if he went to their room, how did the used condom wrapper end upbin his bag. Maybe they went to his room (maybe they came to his room as working girls) and that how the wrapper ended up.in his belongings.

He probably thought it would sound less personal (!) and more passive if he said he went to.theirs rather than he brought them both to his.

A lot of this doesnt hang together.

Plumbabe - try reading a thread.

She's said more than once she hadn't slept with him since he returned. And in another thread she'd talking about separation and divorce. Watch who you call a mug. You can give advice and express outrage without insulting someone.

Have already commented but could you ask your best friend and her DH to tell you if he has done it before, they might know. I would have to know this to decide if might possibly be a one off or not. A threesome though. Just so hard to get past that.

@Sandals19 totally with you on that.

@plumbabe
How is it helpful to attack the OP calling her a mug, when she's going through a huge trauma, and is also pregnant? Even if she does choose to stay, she doesn't deserve to be judged.

My exH cheated on me, and I found out when I was 7 months pregnant. I let him stay and I forgave him because I didnt want to be a mum to a newborn and a toddler on my own. But it ate away at me always, and I built up so much resentment towards him, everytime he was an idiot I got anygry because he wasnt doing enough to make it better. I ended it when DD2 was 11 months. What I would say is do what you need to do now, to get through the immediate future, giving birth etc and if 6 months or a year down the line you need to something different then do it then. There is no right and wrong answer to this, its what is right for you at a particular time.

It still doesn’t explain why he had a condom wrapper in his case OP.

I mean, if he used one in their room it would have remained there wouldn’t it.

He’s blatantly done something in his own room and the wrapper has accidentally fallen into the case.

There is something not adding up with his story.

There is definitely something he isn’t telling you.

You wouldn’t put a condom wrapper back into your pockets.

Kick him out. The band aid baby will soothe things for a while but once a shagger...

Op already said upthread that she believes they must have gone back to his room due to the condom situation.

I really wish people would read the fucking thread properly especially considering what OP is going through.

You sure this is the first time he's cheated?
Also don't isolate yourself from your friends, they have done nothing wrong.
I couldn't forget something like that. I could never forgive it.
I do wonder though, if he had this threesome with these women in their hotel room, why was there a condom wrapper still in his suitcase?