Dating thread 176 - where we get through Christmas with team carpark updates

[NoMoreWeepingAndWanking]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

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Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Opinions please.
If you've been dating someone for about a month, discussed coming off the apps and they said yes they would delete their profile. And all is going well with the dating.

Would you want to know if someone saw their profile was still on one of the apps and appears to be active?

Yes, because what if you've stopped using condoms or something, thinking your exclusive? (Not wise, I know, but it happens right?)

*you're

@EchoElephant Yes definitely, if you have already had the discussion.

I'm having a debate with a friend about this.
When I agreed to give Mr Friends Only another chance, I told him that he had to come off the apps. He agreed and told me he deleted his profiles.

All is going well with him. We see each other quite a bit. Sometimes only for 10minutes in between work and other things. But he's made it clear he likes being with me. I've met quite a few of his friends and I might meet some of his family at Christmas.

But.....a friend has said she thought she saw him on Tinder but swiped left before realising who it was.
I want to set up a tinder profile so I can see if his is still on there. My friend thinks I should leave it and just enjoy what we have.

@EchoElephant what app did you meet on? Have you deleted yours? I wouldn't set up a fake profile but I might reopen an existing one in that situation. From you said he said he would come off the apps. Not that he has.

I had this with my last iron. He said he was deleting the app. I said I'd deactivate it. He then said he didn't know you could do that so I assumed he had deleted. He stayed in my matches and then his location changed so I knew he hadn't deleted or deactivated. I cancelled our date and told him I wouldn't stand being lied to. He was so panicked and apologetic I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt that one time. Looking back I think he was probably checking on me. He never gave me any other reason to doubt him.

So I'd probably ask the question and be clear the consequences of him lying to you.

Hi @Eesha it sounds like it is working for you. What stops it from being a relationship?

Notcoolmum we met on tinder about 6 months ago. Have been on & off friends since then as he messed me around a bit. But he asked for another chance at a relationship about a month ago.

My friend thinks she saw him on tinder, so he may have just deleted the app & not his profile.

I don't have any profiles. I deleted them all even before we agreed to try again with a relationship.

He knows the consequences of lying to me. I made it very clear that I was giving him a second, second chance. And he had to come off the apps for it to work. Otherwise he'd never see me again.

I've not had any reason to doubt him until now. But the doubt is there & I'm questioning other things as well.

So part of me wants to know. Another part just wants to ignore this because I like him a lot and it would have to end if he is still using the apps.

Mr bluenose has been messaging and Wednesday is on. And not a peep from real life man so not sure what to think.
I cant multi date ( well,never tried,maybe I should) so going to look forward to wed. I'm exhausted already and not met anyone yet!

Hello all, need a catch up!

Just wanted to say @shitwithsugaron I'm glad you're ok and no judgement here either! Just please take care of yourself and I hope things work out for you 👍💐

So I'm hopefully going on a date with the unnamed iron tomorrow. Didn't happen over the weekend, I've been too ill.

Best bit is planning what to wear 😄 I'm thinking jumper dress and knee high boots.

On that case I'd ask him @EchoElephant and just keep an eye out. Your friend isn't sure it was him. He may have not deleted it yet. Etc.

Yes @echoelephant I'd want to know. Just ditched Mr E for that very reason and I'm glad I did.

peanutbuttermouth I’m sorry to hear about Mr E, I hope you’re ok

Thanks for your thoughts.
I will ask him next time we meet. Although I really don't want to have that conversation.

Why is dating so difficult?

@EchoElephant

Can you recap the chat you had?
I am just wondering about whether he want very active in that convo and just nodded along?
Mr Moving has already offered to delete his profiles and has mentioned it a couple of times, saying he has no intention of carrying on swiping. I said he doesn’t have to do anything to prove anything to me. I haven’t deleted anything and never offered to but I can see how this might look to him like I was agreeing to, but then didn’t do it! I will need to clarify this myself otherwise I am in the same situation

@EchoElephant why wouldn't you want that conversation? Tbf in my dating life it tends to have been the men who have brought it up. Mainly because they knew I was actively dating and wanted to stop me I think!! With my last one we agreed to exclusivity a few weeks before deleting the apps. We had that conversation in bed where we both agreed we didn't like the idea of the other having sex with anyone else.

Menora I was very clear that coming off the apps was non negotiable. He agreed and said he would do it. But I never actually saw him delete anything.

Notcoolmum he's called Mr Friends Only because twice he decided that he didn't want a relationship with me and could only be friends.
Then he asked if I would give him another chance and explained why he acted like that. I can't go into details on here.

I agree to give it another try but only if he deleted his profiles. He agreed.
My friend now says she is 99% certain she saw him on tinder.

If this is true then he has lied to me.
I don't want to have the conversation because I don't think it will end well. And I like him a lot. He's the first person I've met in about 4 years that I've really connected with.

Oh dear echo he sounds like a flake in the end. If your friend is correct that is. In your place I wouldn’t want to hang around, I’d fire off a message to ask him, but that’s probably not the answer.

@Notcoolmum i think what stops my FWB situation being a relationship in my eyes is I can't see us being in a long term, proper relationship. I couldn't rely on him for emotional support, it's still very much me with my own life but having fun with him. And I know if I ever want to be with someone seriously, I want them to be emotionally supportive, someone I can rely on a bit. If anything, my FWB relies on me!

@EchoElephant I think it's rule 12 here that applies. If talking about it breaks it then it's not strong enough anyway. And I do understand about connection. I felt the same about Mr S. But if someone is deceiving us or playing games with us no amount of connection makes that ok.

@EchoElephant Personally I would want proof before raising it. Create a new profile, fake photo, or ask another freind who possibly has Tinder to look. If you want to know if he is active however (and not just deleted the app) you'll need to not swipe either left or right on him. Take a note of his distance and then check again over the next day or so. If it moves, he is actively using the app and lied to you. Maybe this seems excessive but personally I like to be 100% sure of the facts before I raise things like this.

supercali77 that's what I was thinking. If I just ask him, he could deny it.
I need to think about it for a bit longer and decide how I want to approach it.

The reason i say don't raise it before you know is - i had a similar thing with an old iron but on Bumble. He said he deleted the app but not the profile. If I had known I would have checked on the city status. As it is, months down the line I was pretty sure he lied, also sure he was seeing other women. If i'd just been more MI5 I think i'd have saved myself a lot of pissing about

@EchoElephant Mmm, I wouldn't put off finding out the facts on it though. The only reason to put that off is that you know it signals the end.

I don't want to have the conversation because I don't think it will end well. And I like him a lot. He's the first person I've met in about 4 years that I've really connected with.

I have to agree, if you don't think you will like the answer, it's probably a good question to ask.