Dating thread 176 - where we get through Christmas with team carpark updates

[NoMoreWeepingAndWanking]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

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Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@PerfectPretender weird isn’t it. I’ve cancelled dates before now but always messaged the day before with a reason!

What a crappy thing to do Gingham - I'd go out and enjoy your day and not even bother with him!

I eventually turned merciless around flakiness of any kind in the early days. It's my pet hate, time is precious, and experience taught me it only gets worse. Book a single parents free time and then flake without a word.....there should be a blacklist

How annoying - the only thing I can think is that he’s hedging his hangover bets

Go without him

Re sex after drinking alcohol, does anyone else struggle? I have never really been able to have an orgasm if I have had any alcohol. I have no idea why that happens, but it annoys the crap out of me. So I’m horny but can never finish.

Thanks all @supercali77 I’m half tempted to message him that, I should be able to leave a review on bumble 😂

Seriously I would like to say something to him, but I’m not sure what. Just to give him a chance to explain himself, I want to know what happened after all this chat. He’s even added me on fb and he’s still there.

Actually something similar happened with the last one I was chatting to, but he did go quiet about a week before our planned date so not quite as bad. I messaged him and he came back with a huge response saying how sorry he was that he hadn’t been in touch, busy, car issues etc.. even sending me a photo of his warning lights on his dashboard! Then he disappeared again. So I moved on to another one.. same again but worse! 🤯

supercali - yes! It's grounds for instant dismissal!

And i will definitely be keeping Mr Pilates on as a FWB. I am also auditioning for a second one just to prevent any accidental catching of feelings. I think I'll be fine but probably better not to be too reliant on one man.

Oddly, I had a previous iron, Mr Rigger, get back in touch. He was the one thete wad zero chemistry with but he's asked if I'd like to keep talking because he enjoyed our conversations. So we had a phone call and it was nice but he said that apparently i cone across as intimidatingly intelligent. He was very complimentary and it wasn't a criticism but suggested that some men might find it an issue.

This is somewhat similar to what a mutual friend of mine and Mr Fast Work (he of the last minute cancellation and ditch from yesterday) said.
"Forget about him. Don't take it personally. His loss. I think you are probably too smart for him...didnt want to say before, he's possibly a bit intimidated...whatever the reason he gave was."

I don't get it. I feel utterly stupid half the time and like I'm struggling to keep up with others. I honestly don't think I'm that clever so do i just come off as a smart arse or something?

I don't see intelligence as a negative, but i also appreciate other things about people... as long as I'm not having to stop and explain or change my vocabulary so they understand me I'm all good so how is this a thing?

I really am not ready for romantic entanglements. I can't be doing with all this second guessing. I just want sex and cuddles.

@NoMore me too! Sex and cuddles would be great thanks. I don’t need a partner. Maybe I should put that on my profile, maybe I’d be more likely to get a date?! Of course a soulmate would be nice, but after three years of being single, just a kiss would be a great start. Humph!

Sex and cuddles is exactly what I am all about 😂
Mr Moving was quite miffed when I went home after sex - no way was I going to stay over yet!

Re intelligence and intimidation all this means to me is that you are not a placid neutral woman, if you are independent minded and forthright with your opinions, a lot of twats don’t like it. I think ‘intimidating me is a stupid word that actually means in RL ‘I want to be the dominant Male and she is too dominant or gasp, an equal’

The amusing thing is that i want a dominant male. But it's not really dominance if the woman is just weak and brainless, is it?
As Mr Rigger said, submission doesn't mean anything unless it's a conscious choice from someone who doesn't have to. Basically.
Anyway. Probably a little kink specific for this particular chat.

Well yes that’s the point. Dominance and submission is either a choice by each party, or it is a role/behaviour males actively seek in a woman to be more powerful than them, without choice

@Ginghampanther let us know what he says / does.

I messaged him a friendly message. He did reply to say he couldn’t make it, because his pet had died last night.

So I replied saying how sorry I was, because that is indeed awful.

Now I feel like a bit of a bitch. And in the spirit of being a bit of a bitch.. that is so awful for him , but could he have perhaps replied to my message that I sent last night and cancelled then saying what he said this morning? And saved my too fragile heart / ego from another knock?! I wouldn’t have heard a peep if I hadn’t messaged this morning half an hour before we’d arranged to meet 😢

But I guess that’s not important if it’s someone you’ve never met and something g heartbreaking has happened. I just think I would have done it out of politeness, cancelled my arrangements. I don’t know.. opinions?

Anyone who is intimidated by an intelligent woman is an idiot, frankly. Definitely a reason to bin off, imo. I can't be doing with that, I spent years placating a fragile male ego I'm not doing it again. Mr G is incredibly intelligent, but not in ways I am - he's a very techy, math-y engineer, of which I have little to no interest/aptitude. But we have amazing conversations about all sorts of topics and he told me on our first date that my intelligence is sexy to him. He's never used the word intimidated about me, and I'd be shocked if he did.

@Ginghampanther yes. You're not being a bitch. A line telling you what happened and cancelling is not beyond the bounds of respect and general politeness. I get that he's upset but his grief can't be so overwhelming he can't type. And he read your message so he could have replied. Enjoy your day anyway.

My ex always told me no one knows what I'm talking about. Most people do. Occasionally I have to explain vocabulary or slow down... I wouldn't date someone who couldn't understand me. I think very fast but I'm slightly sloppy with it (if that makes sense!) He was conventionally seen as very clever, a high powered job in a very public arena. Went to one of the two universities. But I ran rings round him and he hated it. He is so thick. He couldn't keep up with me. So I've spent a long time thinking I'm inarticulate, difficult to understand, unclear. I've since realised that most people do understand me despite this and if they don't then it's their problem and we'll never be friends/lovers.

Any man worth his salt would respect us for being bright and be delighted by it not intimidated. And encourage it not deny it. Sorry I'm on one now, this thread fires off so many realisations! Not say out thinking is disordered or unclear but be admiring if it.

gingham my dog died recently. My fundamental drive to be polite and kind to people was completely unaffected by this. True colours are perhaps showing early here.

Re intelligence. A minefield. I’m guilty of hiding mine under a bushel in the past but no longer. In my OLD profiles latterly I came right out and stated my uni and professional qualifications, so if the male ego couldn’t cope it could swipe left immediately. I know whatever intelligence I still have is far from defined by these narrow educational gongs, but I also know now that most men my age just can’t cope with them.

@TigerDater most men our age don't seem to be able to cope with much. I despair.

Very true unsmbiguous. I’ve essentially given up on finding a new person. Cuddles and sex with my FWBs is lovely, though conversations with them are not as wide-ranging as I would like, far from it. Mr Greedy is a good cheerleader for me and Mr Mad keeps me on my toes and makes me laugh, but neither is the full package.

I have a very old friend from uni going through a hideous divorce. Once that is settled (in the new year) I may make my move on him. Very scared though as we have such a good friendship which I don’t want to lose. Should I?

Hmmm. Maybe wait a while? Let him get over his divorce and get some oats sown. I have a very good local friend. We fancy each other, we get on, we do stuff together. Been close for 5 years at least. Our kids are friends. We have had good sex although not currently. Why aren't we together? I'm not sure really. But I suspect we will be at some point. Although he does drive me insane.

I also haven't gone into a recent development here which is causing me intense guilt and regret. I visited another old friend a few days ago. I was totally and utterly besotted with him20 odd years ago. He never seemed to reciprocate back then. So we ended up having a snog then he directed me to the guest room. I was relieved to be honest even though I haven't had sex in a couple of months. He's clearly terribly old fashioned. And I don't fancy him. I fancy the old him but now he's nearly 60 and looks older due to hard partying. He's a bit deaf and lives in a not too pleasant environment stuffed to the rafters with man stuff. I don't want a relationship with him at all but I do have very strong affectionate feelings for him. But he's so old fashioned he now clearly thinks we're in a relationship and is messaging me several times a day. He's used the l word. I don't know what to do without crushing him. I'd guess he hasn't been involved with a woman in about 5 years. I can't tell him about this new world of exclusivity/multi-dating/sex on date 2/3.

Aaaarghhhhhhh I want to stay friends too. But I'm not sure how we get back to that. So be careful @TigerDater !

That is a salutary tale indeed unambiguous! What are you going to do? Meet him face-to-face to discuss?

I don’t fancy my friend, never have done. I so wish I did, it’s the only thing that’s missing. I know he has always had feelings for me, and he’s old-fashioned so not into oat-sowing (though obviously I don’t know that for sure). He’s quite well-maintained for 57 and very active. If we had a snog, I would know whether I could grow to fancy him and we would have an amazing life together. But if it was a no, what then? We would both be devastated, no doubt. I do have to make a decision though. I have a friend who fancies him. Back off, beesh! 😊

Well he lives a 3 hour train ride away. And he's terrible at communication. I had no idea why he sent me to the spare room I assumed he was scared/had issues etc but then he asked for another kiss the next day and I slowly realised he's just very very old fashioned! It was a lovely snog but I just can't go there. I swung between seeing him as the old man he has become and the very cool 30 year old I was slightly in love with.

Funny how things always come in threes... Mr Old Friend, Mr Real Life and Mr Unsuitable all seeming to be quite genuine proposals currently. I always attract 3 men at once. Used to be when I was ovulating... no chance of it being that now. And I know there'll be nothing again in Jan.

So go easy@TigerDater I'm very lucky that my local male friend and I have maintained our friendship as we had a very intense off/on thing for a couple of years and he shat on me rather spectacularly. But it's hard to do once you've crossed that line. And it's taken work and lots of communication.

Thanks, unambiguous, I needed to hear that. Good luck with Mr Old Friend. I’m thinking you have to be honest and open with him?