How do I tell my boss?

[NutButterz]

Due to be at a work conference the week after next. My P has trust issues which has resulted him booking a hotel nearby to the conference and me having to stay there with him instead of staying with my colleagues and joining in the Christmas party.

It's not mandatory to stay for the evening but my boss knows it's too far for me to travel home and back again for the 2nd part.

Trust issues are not my fault and I intend to get through Christmas and deal with the situation then. I fully understand it's not right. However how do I tell my boss I will be disappearing after the meeting and my colleagues will be wondering where I've gone?

I think the best policy is honesty. I'm sure he/she will be concerned about this level of jealousy. This knowledge will come in handy when you leave him next year, which I HOPE you are doing? You will probably need people having your back.

Tell your colleagues you are being controlled by a nutjob wanker partner. And that you are shortly going to get rid of nutjob wanker partner.

Can't you say your dh had already booked a local hotel to meet with some friends anyway?
They might suspect you're lying but they won't know
Good luck xx

You will likely get lots of LTB messages but you’ve said you plan to deal with it later - I hope that is to LTB. Two options - tell the truth or lie - say either your notdearP has booked you in to hotel to celebrate something special or old friend/relative is in town for one night only and you really want to spend time with them.

It's all very well saying tell them but I can understand the desire for privacy especially at work

If you're planning on getting rid anyway, why miss out?

Bin now; enjoy Christmas.

Just tell them you’ve made your own arrangements and won’t require any accommodation, looking forward to the meeting though.

Don’t for god sake tell your workplace about your weird partner.

This is utterly bonkers. Use the next ten days to get rid of this abusive partner.

Is the P’s issue that you would be sleeping in a different place to him? Maybe go to the start of the party but then duck out with a “headache” after everyone else is in the mood then you can go back to P and haven’t been “out all night”.

Just tell them that your partner has trust issues. Exactly what you’ve said here. Be honest.

I'll assume that you really do plan to work towards leaving this utter bastard.

If that's the case, then as others have said, you will need your bosses support. I have been in your managers shoes where an employee was in an abusive relationship that impacted external work commitments.

Before being told of her situation, I did question her commitment and was unsure why she didn't seem to participate in team events.

As soon as she told me, it allowed me to fully support her, help put things in place she 'couldn't get out of' that allowed her space from her partner and we managed to help with extra time off when she did finally leave.

Assuming you have a supportive manager, I would urge honesty as I'm sure you will need all the support you can after Christmas.

I think my manager is very supportive but he's also male so would that make a difference? Due to the set up of our work we only see each other once a month and mostly lone work. Another colleague confided in me last year that she had just left an abusive relationship.

Children and Christmas is why.

I am due to be sharing a room with a work colleague so it'll be clear from morning I'm not planning to hang about.

I agree with other posters, tell them the truth, you have nothing to hide. Your P is controlling you OP and your enabling him by giving into his demands of staying at the hotel with him. Why wait until after Christmas? You'd probably be better off leaving him before the conference. And if he turns up at conference then you phone the police.

There is a difference between trust issues due to prior trauma and controlling behaviour. The first requires time and empathy, the second is a dealbreaker.

Hopefully the OP makes an assessment before jumping to any of the conclusions listed here.

You have nothing to be embarrassed about. Tell your boss the truth. Advise him that’s it’s confidential for now. I’d also seek moral support from the colleague who left an abusive relationship.

If your company pays for accommodation for you because you haven't told them about the issue then I could understand them asking questions. I think perhaps you need to have a quiet word with your boss ASAP and give him a very brief outline of the problem so that he is forewarned. Your P sounds like the type who might just turn up at the conference to check that you are dressed like a nun and avoiding any men.

I can understand not wanting to spoil Christmas for your children but please make sure that once you are into the new year you will do something about your relationship. In my experience people who are this controlling rarely change.

He apparently had prior trauma from a previous relationship but I cannot cope with it much longer. I really just have to get through Christmas

Tell your boss or a colleague or someone. If you are going to leave you’ll need help in all corners of your life. So having an Allie at work will help.

Tell your boss if you can. He sounds the type to turn into a stalker when you end the relationship so you’ll need to tell work then so they can help keep you safe and allow for any absence. Not telling them now is just delaying the inevitable, and hopefully you’ll be offered some support in the meantime.

This isn't about trust. This is about control.

I've been in a controlling relationship and I feel sorry for you. I was the butt of jokes as my husband used to ring me constantly and hang up if someone else answered. He also had access to log into my email remotely so he could check up on me. I could have lost my job when I think back but I was constantly trying to appease him.

If I went on nights out he would call my mobile non stop. That's after causing a huge row as I was about to go out to try and stop and to ensure I had an awful time.

Do leave him. It won't get better.

Do you want to go to the xmas party OP?

I wouldn't involve work in my personal life. I would simply tell them that you have accommodation sorted. If they ask, you just say that your partner booked a hotel as it's too far to travel home after.

I think you should tell the truth, personally as it may escalate (before you get rid of the wanker, that is). If he starts phoning in to check on you etc etc. If you become stressed or teary at work, your boos will want to know why.

Is he abusive?
What would he say if you put your foot down and insisted you were going to go as you want to and he will have to learn to trust you?
Would he back down down if you were assertive with him or do you imagine he'd turn nasty?