How do I tell my boss?

[NutButterz]

Due to be at a work conference the week after next. My P has trust issues which has resulted him booking a hotel nearby to the conference and me having to stay there with him instead of staying with my colleagues and joining in the Christmas party.

It's not mandatory to stay for the evening but my boss knows it's too far for me to travel home and back again for the 2nd part.

Trust issues are not my fault and I intend to get through Christmas and deal with the situation then. I fully understand it's not right. However how do I tell my boss I will be disappearing after the meeting and my colleagues will be wondering where I've gone?

can.

Sadly you bf is the one with the issue and yet you are the one being controlled by his issue. It doesn't seem like he is either recognising his mental health problems are the effect that it is having on you. I doubt this is going to end well.

... and as per your earlier reply... if you don't think he will turn nasty, why are you not calling his bluff for the ultimate test? This is not living, it is controlled mysogeny.

OP - hand holding here ❤️ I think you know yourself that you have emotionally signed out of this relationship so please stay safe.

Get rid before Xmas. Change the locks, everything. Your kid doesn't really give a shit about the plans, really. They'll be fine. Just bin him off.

text him, block his number and change your locks.

you will have a much better christmas without his shit

it will get to the 26th and you willthink "i will do it next week"and so on

just do it OP, your children will thank you - they ill absolutely know more than you think, and it is not good for them!

Hi Op, I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. Please make sure you log out so your posts cant be found by him. Well done for telling people. Stay safe

OP.. I remember your previous Thread.. I'm so glad you have come back.. because I have been very concerned for you and your Childs welfare.. your DD is badly affected by his control yes ?

Please OP, get this man out of you and your DD's life before Christmas, and hit 999, if necessary.

OP to answer your initial question, speaking as a senior manager, Yes absolutely tell your boss.

I would be very sympathetic to your situation and would try to support you through this.

Oh gawd....work Christmas parties are complicated enough without trust issues (says the person staggering in late and drunk from a work Xmas party). I wish u all the best

It's great that you do lot live together as that will make severing all ties easier.

Please make this your final straw and do not let this man ruin and control another day in your life. End it now, tell your manager, friends and family why you are ending it. This is for emotional and practical support around should be try to use others to continue to remain in your life

You have nothing to be ashamed of, stay strong, get away from him and show your DC hear abusers will not be tolerated

Oh and change the locks!!!!

Just leave him now!!

Why do you have to “get through Christmas”? The conference is the perfect time to get away from him. Tell him to fuck off.

Is this the man who spends all day everyday in your house and your v little DD has experienced emotional and behavioural distress towards?

You need to tell people so that they can take back the control that is paralysing you.

You need to do this for your little girl - she is being emotionally injured here. She is absorbing and internalising all of his stress and yours. Her distress is so bad could he be directly abusing her?

This domestic abuse and her being part of it is child abuse. You need to see this, accept it and get it stopped. Call someone now.

I don’t mean to sound dramatic and you seems to be handelling it really well but please try to leave ASAP and make sure you are safe. If he knows you are planning on leaving he may turn violent.

He sounds exactly like my mums boyfriend. Controlling and emotionally abusive. He was never violent until the night he discovered she planned to leave - he killed her that night.

Reading your posts made me cry as it sounds exactly like my mums situation. Please, please put your safely first and leave as soon as you can.

Kitty2020

Is this the man who spends all day everyday in your house and your v little DD has experienced emotional and behavioural distress towards?

You need to tell people so that they can take back the control that is paralysing you.

You need to do this for your little girl - she is being emotionally injured here. She is absorbing and internalising all of his stress and yours. Her distress is so bad could he be directly abusing her?

This domestic abuse and her being part of it is child abuse. You need to see this, accept it and get it stopped. Call someone now.

I agree Kitty this sounds like the same OP... I pray she calls someone and gets this dangerous man out of her and her childs life instead of pandering to his control ... Please tell someone OP, please.

I'm not sure what you mean. I don't think that's me. He works and doesn't spend all day every day in my house. He is not left alone with my child.

Please can people respect my decision I have made to get through Christmas. I do my upmost to protect both children and I always call him out on his behaviour if it's out of order. He has even said to me if he's still like this after Christmas he's leaving anyway. He apparently can't cope with feeling so hurt all the time. I will ensure it happens so please do not worry people. My family member and friend have both said if I need them there just send a message. I'm also not afraid to call the police if necessary. Right now the situation is just about manageable and it's only another few weeks to go

OP, he WILL still be "like this" after Christmas. And next Christmas, and the Christmas after.
I was in a similar position - I excused his "trust issues" and put them down to past trauma. One Christmas, partners weren't invited to the works' do, except for senior management and long-serving staff. He phoned HR to validate this, as he was convinced I must be lying. When they confirmed it was in fact true, he did his level best to talk me out of going. I went, and was harassed by phone and text all night long as he "checked in on me" every five minutes. He sulked for weeks afterwards and repeatedly asked me out of the blue if I'd seen/spoken to "x or y" (male colleague's names) on the works' do.

The following year the invitation was opened up to partners, which prompted further questions from him as to why I'd got HR to lie for me last year. The night of the do he stuck to me like glue last night, positioned himself in between me and my colleagues whenever it looked like I might engage in conversation, then battered me in the hotel room that night for having apparently "looked at a male colleague in a suggestive manner". I ended up having to lie to my colleagues at breakfast that I'd fallen on the steps on my way back to the room, and spent the rest of the day in A&E with a fractured nose and cheekbone. I looked far from amazing in family photos that Christmas.
I'm so glad you're wanting to leave him OP.
But please, do it now. Don't put it off.

This thread is nuts - this man doesn't even live in your house - you do not have to wait any longer - his child is not your problem and Christmas is just a made up holiday and is only 1 day - staying together just for that is ridiculous!

You are asking us to respect your decision - but most of us are not in agreement with your decision making it difficult to accept it!

I don't know what you want from this thread tbh - we have all given you advice and you chose to not take any of it on board! so it's basically pointless.

I do hope you leave him very soon as he has some serious issues!

Best of luck

Op, you have a plan and know what you're going to do. Take the useful posts out of this thread and skim over the ones that you know will make your life harder.

best of luck, your life will be SO much brighter after you get rid of him!

CosmoK I'm so very sorry you lost your mother to a man like this.

NutButterz

I'm sorry OP, but your Thread is uncannily similar to another Thread that was on here recently.. the details are almost identical, including the 'trust' issue of your company Christmas Function.. the other Thread also indicated her (non resident) Partner insisted the OP stay in a hotel with him, instead of with all her colleagues at the function.

So very similar...

I hope you find a way through this ..

@KaptenKrusty I asked for advice on what to say to my boss, not when to leave the relationship. Your comments are making me feel more alone.

@CosmoK also very sorry to hear about your mum.

Thank you to the people who are helping me

Go to the parry and have a good time. Your dh is the jealous on ehe cam stay in his hotel room.

I'm sorry if you feel even more attacked from this thread but perhaps this is the time to realise that you really are better than he is making you feel. This party could be a great line in the sand for you, a time to relax for the first time since you've been with him. If you finish with him beforehand.

I do totally get the need to psych yourself up and the thought that christmas and all the plans are something to get through first. But can I just tell you that from the other side (the kids) it really isn't? You are missing out on an easy-going christmas with your child, a time to celebrate the way you want to without treading on egg shells or juggling his paranoias. You can make a plan, break it, do something better - whatever you want? That child is going to know that you aren't 100% happy and relaxed. If you then split up afterwards they might feel it was a waste of a potentially happy time.

Thank you nut and sea

Op I know it's hard but the safest thing to do is end the relationship as soon as you can and focus on your safety.